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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so annoyed my child's phone was taken off him at a sleepover?

557 replies

minnieproblems · 02/09/2017 18:12

DS stayed over with a friend last night. There were four there in total. He has a phone so he can text/call us if he needs to. Before going to bed, phones and tablets were removed from the visiting children.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? He finds it quite stressful staying over and he hated being unable to contact us.

OP posts:

misshelena · 02/09/2017 22:31

What did I say that is "not kind"? I am advising you to not let him go if he really is going to "cry quietly", to quote you, because I know how cruel teens can be. My dds are 17 and 14. How is this "not kind"??

gillybeanz · 02/09/2017 22:31

I think there are areas where parents try to follow what all the other parents do, that's when you find "all children round here have/do xyz"
Other parents add up the pro's and cons and decide for themselves and other parents go against the grain and lead rather than follow.
We are all different.
I have strong conviction that screens in bedrooms are a bad idea, so I don't/ didn't follow.

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 22:31

I don't have a 7 year old.

They are allowed access to other places in small groups.

I also check that my DH and DM have arrived safely at work. Problem?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/09/2017 22:32

Some of the responses on this thread are making me properly laugh.

Am just picturing some people or their DC finding themselves without wifi/a phone signal for a few minutes and descending into gibbering hysteria.

On Gold DofE expeditions we take the kids' phones off them for four days while they hike through wild country. By the sounds of it, some of the kids on here wouldn't be able to make it across the road under those conditions Well, the kids might but the parents certainly wouldn't cope.

intuition · 02/09/2017 22:32

I wouldn't let my boys stay anywhere they weren't comfortable.

How would you have felt if he and or his mates were all egging each other on in the middle of the night looking at porn! You would have expected the parents to have more control. No child should have any tech in their rooms at night.

Original poster

minnieproblems · 02/09/2017 22:33

If he was looking at pornography I would think there was more to worry about than phones!

OP posts:

intuition · 02/09/2017 22:33

Ps, no data, no wifi? He can use a friends phone as a hotspot. Today's kids can run rings round most parents when it come to tech!!

elektrawoman · 02/09/2017 22:35

YABU.
DS (9) was on a birthday sleepover recently and the mum said 'no gadgets please!' I was really happy actually she had said this. It meant all the kids were on an equal footing and were actually going to have some fun rather than staring at screens, and everyone was on an equal level (i.e. No comparing who does / doesn't have a phone, or who has the latest iPhone or who has their dad's old hand-me-down phone etc).
Also if children were allowed phones all night I would be concerned about unsupervised internet access - yes I know your DCs phone didn't have wifi or data but you need to have to have the same rule for everyone, and also what would stop one of the children giving them the wifi passcode?

I am not anti-phones, my DD got a phone at age 10 and I don't have an issue with kids having phones as they are useful when they are going out and about on their own. We have a strict no phones/gadgets at bedtime rule and I really don't see the need for them on sleepovers at that age.

DD was at a sleepover recently (no mobile phone) and was ill in the night, I got a call from parent, picked her up, all ok. One of the other girls felt worried so asked to go home too. It was all accepted and all dealt with sensibly with no need for any of the kids to be sending texts.

What about school trips? Our school residential trips at age 9 and there is an extremely strict 'no phones' rule on the trips. What will your child do on a school trip?

Having see first-hand what can happen when kids are allowed unsupervised late night phone access, it's made me realise that lots of parents are completely naive when it comes to what their kids get up to on their phones. They all seem to think their lovely little darlings would never record unsuitable videos or send nasty messages or access inappropriate material. Well believe me they do!

BakedBeans47 · 02/09/2017 22:35

I wouldn't let kids staying over here have phones upstairs at bedtime. My house my rules. If the sleepover parents spoke to me about how unhappy they were about it they wouldn't need to worry as their kid wouldn't be invited back.

He can surely do without a phone when he's supposed to be getting to sleep? If he finds it that stressful being away he might not be ready for sleepovers.

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 22:35

I'm a Guider and a teacher. D of E is closely supervised by responsible and qualified adults. Children don't need phones there.

Marmenteum · 02/09/2017 22:36

I don't think checking where your 9 year old is when he's at a club is at all healthy. Or checking that your dh has arrived at work. I don't think I've ever needed to check dh has arrived at work in 30 years. But each to their own. If my dh wanted me to have an app that tracked me I'd absolutely have to set my location as increasingly weird and exotic places

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 22:37

Perfectly healthy. It's weird to not care about loved ones being safe tbh.

Marmenteum · 02/09/2017 22:37

D of E is closely supervised by responsible and qualified adults

No it isn't ds2 had his silver last week and was with a group of friends but no adults. Are you really a teacher?

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2017 22:38

Surely sleepovers are supervised by responsible and suitably qualified (ie parents of similarly aged child) adults too? Do people really send their young children on sleepovers with randoms?

SoupyNorman · 02/09/2017 22:38

Tracking your DH's every movement doesn't equate to simply caring about him, it smacks of control and surveillance.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/09/2017 22:39

What would have been an issue is if I'd sent him a message to see if he was OK and I didn't get a reply because someone who isn't a parent had removed his property.

If you have any concerns then you could ring the host parents, Huffle.

FreeSpiritJen · 02/09/2017 22:39

I think there's a difference between being tracked all the time, and just wanting a text to know if your loved one is safe.

And I don't think the OP's issue is with the phone being taken away overnight; just the phone being taken away with no warning or permission from the parents. I can understand the child and the parents being a little miffed.

JMHO.

Marmenteum · 02/09/2017 22:39

Do you suffer with anxiety generally? What happens if your phone runs out if battery or you leave it at home? What happens if your ds s phone runs out of battery? Is it not massively stressful?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/09/2017 22:40

Huffletuff - so are you suggesting that sleepovers are not supervised by responsible adults? Why, then, would you let your child go in the first place if you are seriously suggesting that your child is safer wild camping on the side of a fell in the Lake District than they are in the home of the person they are on a sleepover with? That makes no sense at all.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/09/2017 22:42

And DofE is not "closely supervised". It is "remotely supervised". That is the whole point of the DofE expedition.

kylerichards · 02/09/2017 22:43

You see I would also prob remove all devices at lights out . Seems to be 2 camps on this one and that's how life is

becotide · 02/09/2017 22:44

It's quite clear that Huffletuff is suffering some sort of anxiety condition, but you should be aware, huffletuff, that your reactions aren't normal. Please don't allow your irrationality to spill into your child rearinf and if you are finding that is does (panicking about no text back despite KNOWING that your child is in a safe place with safe people) then you need to talk to a professional about it.

paxillin · 02/09/2017 22:45

I don't allow visiting children phones in bed at that age, either. I am responsible for them and simply cannot make sure they are safe online if I can't see what they are doing. Kids that age can be amazingly daft and egg each other on to be even more so.

Huffletuff · 02/09/2017 22:47

ArcheryAnnie · 02/09/2017 22:47

I like to know where my teenage DS is, and get an "I've arrived safely" text if he's going somewhere new - but not everywhere he goes has good reception, sometimes he forgets, etc etc. Keeping in touch is fair enough, but expecting to have a constant tether at all times in every situation is totally unrealistic.

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