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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 02/09/2017 17:12

I think it's a shit thing to do. I'd probably explain to my DC and let them make the decision, but I wouldn't want them to go Shock

eyebrowsonfleek · 02/09/2017 17:14

It is crap.
I understand why some kids have 2 parties - school friends and family, mum's family and dad's family but apart from Birthday child's sibling you wouldn't expect overlapping guest lists.

Babymamamama · 02/09/2017 17:14

Glad to say I've never heard of such a system and I hope I don't encounter it. Sounds like hard work all round. One or the other would be my option.

BrawneLamia · 02/09/2017 17:15

I've not heard of this, my dc are probably a bit young.

I would do this if some of the guests were family friends, who had travelled a long way and wanted to stay over with their parents.

How many children are staying over VS how many are going home?

PinkHeart5911 · 02/09/2017 17:16

I think it's mean.

I understand some children have closer friends than others but I think personally I'd do the sleepover part on a different day as it's like saying the other 8 are staying but you go home becuase I don't like you as much

minipie · 02/09/2017 17:17

It's crap.

Bit like two tier weddings

Polly99 · 02/09/2017 17:18

I think it's fine as long as the sleepover invitees are the minority.
My DD has been to lots of parties where this has been the form and quite often was not one of the 2 or3 asked to sleep over. It was not a problem.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 02/09/2017 17:18

I wouldn't give it a second thought! Couldn't invite more than 2 to our house for a sleepover because of space. If it was EVERY child APART from your Son that would be mean but if not I don't see a problem.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/09/2017 17:19

Ive done it before, I don't think it was shitty at all. 30 kids went to the party at soft play and ds's 4 best mates came back for a sleepover.

honeyboo241 · 02/09/2017 17:20

I remember this happening a lot when I was younger. Group of us attend the party/birthday meal/ bowling or whatever & then a couple going back for a sleepover. It was quite normal. Never caused any animosity. How old is he? Depending on age, he should understand that numbers are limited & not to take it personally (unless he's the only one not invited which is not on)

BackieJerkhart · 02/09/2017 17:20

I've never heard of this. Sounds cruel. At least if you are doing it don't let the "first tier" friends tell the second tier ones it's happening.

FenceSitter01 · 02/09/2017 17:21

^^ what zero said

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 02/09/2017 17:23

Oh so he's good enough to get a gift from but not for a sleep over? It's like a reception onlyninvite to a wedding...

TheLittleShirt · 02/09/2017 17:23

I have never heard of this, but is it really any different than adult bride and groom inviting some guests to the wedding breakfast and others just to,the evening do?

TheLittleShirt · 02/09/2017 17:25

Oops X post with Griswald

BroomstickOfLove · 02/09/2017 17:32

Totally normal and fine here. Most kids only have 1-3 guests for a sleepover, so the sleepover guests are only ever a minority. DD has been to plenty of parties where she isn't a sleepover guests, and a few where she is. She wouldn't expect to be invited to sleepover with anyone but a very close friend.

Bettercallsaul1 · 02/09/2017 17:33

I think it definitely depends on the proportion of the total number invited - if only a small minority go to the sleepover - fine, if getting on for half - no. I think most kids have two or three "special" friends who they see more than others and this is just an extension of that.

TeenTimesTwo · 02/09/2017 17:34

I think if it is only 1 or 2 staying over, and they are clearly the best friends then that's OK.

What would not be OK would be 4 staying over and 3 going home.
Or 1 staying from a groups of 3 where they consider themselves equally friendly.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/09/2017 17:34

DS1 has been to one of these, but it was a pretty straightforward issue - it was one of the girls in his class, she had a day party running into the evening, a sort of "camping" style party with bonfire and marshmallows and so on, that she invited girls AND boys to, and then the sleepover was just with her 2 best girl friends. Boys didn't feel second tier but the reason for the split was clear and acceptable - I don't know how the non best girl friends felt though!

I think the problems truly arise when you think you are better friends with the party holder than you actually are - and the way you find out is to be given the shorter invitation, whether party or wedding or whatever.

If you know that you are not in the "inner circle" then you might just be happy to be invited along to celebrate at least part of the time with them - and if you're not, then you probably shouldn't go at all.

I'm a bit of a sucker for invitations though - not too fussed which bits I'm invited to, just happy to be invited at all (except when it's to the first and last bit but not the middle bit - that sucks quite a lot)

Craigie · 02/09/2017 17:42

Parents that arrange these kinds of parties are dickheads.

scarletpopapil · 02/09/2017 17:42

If you were talking about a whole class party and then a sleepover for 2 or 3 best friends then I think that would be okay - it can be explained to the kids that no one's house is big enough for 30 children to sleep over so birthday child is just having their very best friends to stay.

If it's more like 10 kids to the party and 5 of those sleeping over then that's a bit rubbish. Mostly because I can imagine the sleepover kids going on about it in excitement and making the others feel left out.

But I think all kids pretty much know that there are friends and then there are best friends. The people you like well enough, and the people you gravitate to every break and lunchtime. Unless your DS sees the birthday child as one of his absolute best friends, I think you should be able to explain it in such a way as to make him feel okay about it.

4691IrradiatedHaggis · 02/09/2017 17:45

Never come across any of them. Sounds mean to me. You can come to the party but you've to go home so we can carry on partying without you?
If you have to have a sleepover with your besties BFF, then surely you do it on another day instead of straight after your party.

Steeley113 · 02/09/2017 17:45

I don't see the issue. We all have best friends and just normal friends surely? Unfortunately, life is one big 'tier' system. I often as an adult will go out for a meal/have pre-drinks with my best friends then we meet a larger group elsewhere.

SerfTerf · 02/09/2017 17:47

Mean.

Original poster
haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:49

Hmm I think the problem here is that my son sees himself as first tier when clearly he is second tier. We shared a lift with someone who is first tier. I was told he wouldn't need a lift home from me, as he was going to the sleepover, which will possibly rub salt into the wound.

OP posts:
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