to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

[haventkilledtheorchidyet]

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

Of course it's not bad - sleepovers with over a certain number of kids are a recipe for disaster and the mums/dads in question are entitled to decide how many they can or want to cope with!

The alternative would be just to invite 2 kids to the child party and then the other 10 would miss out.

I disapprove in principle, but in practice it has never caused a problem. Often the party child will invite 2 best friends to stay, and my children will already know and not be the least bit bothered. They have always been quite practical about it, while I am thinking: "Shouldn't your feelings be hurt by this??"

Dd had this and half went home. It was supposed to be half going home but with dropouts only dd and one friend were at the party who weren't invited for the evening. It's not something I'd do but luckily dd didn't seem to care that she was B listed as she's quite resilient.

The Instagram stuff seems very specific. Surely that doesn't happen with every single sleepover ever?!

There is often several threads on here from people saying they are miffed or upset they weren't invited to something when they thought they were in the inner circle....so how do you think it makes kids feel?

It's one thing if a friend says I'm only allowed to invite two people to sleep over and you came last time for example...but entirely another thing if the child not going didn't even know there was an after party sleepover and then sees a few friends going back to said sleepover after the party (ie it's all a surprise), and the friends getting invited weren't even part of the close friendship group.

Madmags...it happens most of the time round here, especially with year 6, 7 or 8 girls.

We're just planning this for DD's birthday and I hadn't realised it could be a problem. She has two really close friends but is part of a bigger group of 10-12. All of those will be coming to the main event with the two close friends coming home for the night. DD and these two have regular sleepovers so I hadn't even thought about it causing a problem.

That sounds like a pretty specific situation, Tabby, and one which I've never encountered. I live in an area where most people don't have a lot of space in their homes, and in Y4-6, girls' birthday parties seem to consist of a fun activity for the wider friendship group with 1-3 of the closest friends staying afterwards.

Madmags...they post pictures of themselves having a wonderful time and send them to those not invited. They also do all that " We are bff's forever" rubbish, or "us two /three always have the best fun". Very hurtful stuff.

Broomstick....but what if the inner friendship group consists of more than 1-3? How do you think that makes the fourth person feel? Or you think there are only two close friends, but in fact there are three?

I think I did this nearly every year in junior school, and so did most of my friends. 15 or so to an "activity" and then 1 or 2 back for a sleepover. I was never upset by not being invited to sleep over, and as far as I know nobody else was either.

I've never heard of it happening Tabby. It might not be as common as you think.

pen you're fine. My dc have been b-listed at lots of parties and it's never bothered them.

Madmags..never heard of what happening? Instagram? Oh my, it's all over the internet, Instagram bullying.

YANBU. It's mean and rude. It says 'I like you enough to get a present from you and spend a few hours with you but I don't like you enough to spend any longer with you.' It's a terrible message to send children both as the person going home and teaching the birthday child that this is an OK way to treat people.

No, I mean I've never heard of Instagram bullying specifically from sleepovers. Not in my circle or amongst my kids friends!

Or it says "I'd like you to come to my party, which costs money, but for valid reasons, you can't sleep over on this occasion."

If there are 4 close friends then the child would probably invite one or two or not have a sleepover, because 5 children is more of a gang of friends than an intimate group, and the whole dynamic would be quite different. DS tends towards that looser larger group friendship and doesn't really have best friends as such, but his group don't have sleepovers yet.

Pen, I think it can be a little different in some circumstances such as the majority going home and breaking no friendship groups up (like splitting up a group of 5 friends and sending two or three home). However I have never done this as I just don't think it teaches a good lesson. I would have it spilt over two weekends - one big party or trip out then the sleepover the following weekend but don't make it a birthday one.

Madmags...do you monitor your child's Instagram at all, if they have one? This happened a lot to my child a few years ago. Once they all get Instagram and friendship groups change, they use it to bully each other, especially if they have been invited to stuff that other people haven't. Girls especially. Can't say I know if boys do it or not, but girls definately do. It's just like when adults get upset when someone puts a picture up on Facebook of them having a great time, and they weren't invited.

They may have moved on to Snapchat now, if they don't use Instagram as much...

Ok, so then it is specific to you??

It's bad manners to do it at the same party as kids put a lot of emphasis on sleepovers and often go on about it during the day, it's down to the parents to manage this.

My dds are now 17 and 14, but I remember those occasional 2-tier parties. Whether or not they are "mean" depends on how many are invited to the party and how many to the sleepover and on where your dc considers herself to be clearly in either camp. It's hurtful if she is borderline but not invited to stay. But I can also understand why a bday kid would want a 2-tier party. Your dc can "boycott" the party, but personally I would just go because even if I am not her bff, she is still my friend, no? Like I always say my kids, "Pride is an overrated emotion"

No madmags..it is not specific to me. It happens all over, lots of mums talk about it. It's common bullying. We are not the only family it happens to. I get that you don't believe it, that's up to you, but it does happen..lots. You haven't answered if you monitor your child's internet / Instagram usage? Perhaps you don't know about it going on because you don't monitor what's going on under the radar. Little girls can get very nasty with comments on Instagram and Snapchat.

This happened to me when I was about 13. reading this thread reminds me how shitty it felt. Went to a cinema party, back for birthday tea, about 10 girls. Suddenly dawned on me about 7 of the girls were staying over and trying to keep it secret from those of us heading home. It was such a horrible introduction to smiling politely pretending all is fine when inside I was mortified. I felt so stupid and embarrassed. I'll never understand why the parents allowed it - it left me feeling like total shit.