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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:
EnglishRose1320 · 04/09/2017 07:47

I've only done this one, DS had about 10 friends in total for a party at ours and just his best friend was staying on for a sleepover. However no one else knew, they just assumed he was last to leave and I was actually looking after him for the evening anyway due to his parents work. I think if it was obvious and if it was more than 1 or 2 friends then it would be unfair. Certainly wouldn't do it if they had been to a soft play place or bowling etc, that seems like a big enough treat in itself.

elfinpre · 04/09/2017 08:04

different tiers of friendship

What an ugly phrase.

Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 08:35

With weddings, I don't get why it's an issue at all? In our case, we would have had to simply not invite the evening guests at all. We only did that with colleagues and some of my local friends.

Although it was also quite nice just going to the evening do of a uni friend. I understood it as she has a very big family. I went out for lunch at Pizza Hut with mutual friends and we had a really lovely time. Better than the bride did sadly as one of her uncles got very drunk and abusive, which was very sad.

I don't get the big deal for children's parties, unless only one or two friends get excluded, which very likely to lead to bullying afterwards. I would hate to invite more than 3/4 friends for a sleepover, though, so as long as it was 3 out of a group of say 8, I don't see the issue.

manicmij · 04/09/2017 09:23

Too much money and no sense seems to be the theme running through here. All the different variations of a birthday party just shows how much parents pander to their dc and how much goes on to "impress". What's happened to very young children having a few friends around for a play, a few age appropriate activities and some cake. As dc grow a chosen few friends taken somewhere for activity or pizza etc.Once dc hit secondary school they only need a couple of friends to do something special with. Unless relatives have travelled and need to stay over there should be no "favourites" doing the same. Those dc who are not staying over are obviously not real friends and have just been invited for inviting sake. Definitely decisive. Just glad never come across this.

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2017 09:34

Never even had sleepovers in my day. I'm 43 and mentally scarred.

Summer888 · 04/09/2017 10:06

Depends entirely how many children are staying for the sleepover. We have always done parties for the whole class along the lines of ice skating / magic show/ disco (26 kids) followed by a sleepover for just 3 or 4 of them. I think that is better so that all kids get to go to parties, rather than some never ever being invited to any parties. I would be more upset if my child had not been invited at all personally.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 10:23

@elfinpre

different tiers of friendship. What an ugly phrase.

Maybe a clumsy phrase but it's true though. I have 'best' friends and 'non-best' friends, as does everyone else.

rachelkanga · 04/09/2017 11:04

I have had my children attend parties like these. I have twin girls, and space at the birthday girls party prevented them from staying, to be fair the birthday child only had one friend sleep round therefore a group of about 6 children all went home.

Unfortunately I have also had twins invited out to a meal for a birthday and been expected to pay for their drinks, eldest daughter was expected to pay for the food as well (15.99 a head) - birthday child disappointed they did not get a gift but no contribution from childs parents towards any of the party.

I have always explained to my children that I would only have a party I could afford to pay for and that all the guests would be treated the same. Had 8 14/15 year old girls for a BBQ then sleepover this year.

Different parents think differently however.

craftsy · 04/09/2017 11:19

My son's birthday party will be in a couple of months and I might have some kids sleep over as they'll be travelling for 2.5 hours each way to get here. So either they book a hotel or travel 5 hours in one day to come to a birthday party.

gotthemoononastick · 04/09/2017 12:15

Shatners.. your mother here......you can stand on your head,but you will not be going on a sleepover while I am alive... 43 or not!

Your brothers and sisters too are busy'mentally scarring' their children all over the planet.Sleepovers not happening in our tribe!!

Gooseberrytart4 · 04/09/2017 12:17

Is fine as long as it's only a couple of children sleeping over and the majority leave

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/09/2017 12:17

Of course there are 'different tiers of friendship' but most people have the social grace not to make it abundantly clear to those who are second tier. I wouldn't invite a group of 10 friends out for a birthday meal and invite only 3 of them for drinks at a nearby bar after while we all wave the others off. Even if I was better friends with just those 3. I may, on the other hand, see more of them and do things with just them at other times. Kids may not understand why it could be hurtful to just invite a few from a party to a sleepover but parents should.
And anyone who thinks that sleepovers won't be mentioned in front of the other children is naive. Someone will mention it and be shushed and the other guests will either realise or be left wondering what the others are hiding from them. Not nice at all.

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2017 12:18

gotthemoon Ha! Got you! You're not my real mum, or you'd know I don't have any siblings. Scarred through being only child too.... Smile

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/09/2017 12:21

Having a family who have travelled a long way stay with you is different. That is clearly for practical reasons rather than a reflection on anyone's 'tier'.

Gooseberrytart4 · 04/09/2017 12:28

My kids have regularly been in the second tier. They don't mind at all because the party person isn't a best friend.

anotherniceday · 04/09/2017 13:28

I wouldn't invite a group of 10 friends out for a birthday meal and invite only 3 of them for drinks at a nearby bar after while we all wave the others off. Even if I was better friends with just those 3. I may, on the other hand, see more of them and do things with just them at other times. Kids may not understand why it could be hurtful to just invite a few from a party to a sleepover but parents should.

This.

misshelena · 04/09/2017 16:14

different tiers of friendship
What an ugly phrase

Yet it's reality. DD1 has over 1,000 facebook friends, there is no way she has equal depth of friendship with all of them. Not even close.

Lurkedforever1 · 04/09/2017 20:38

I wonder if some people are viewing this from the perspective of a sleep over being a big thing? We've done them regularly since reception, so throughout primary they were never anything special or unusual.

However threads on here where people seem to think they are a big occasion requiring consideration, think dc under 24 are too young, don't ever allow them, panic about dc missing bedtime and eating sweets, and the rest of the pfb shite indicate some parents don't view them as most in rl do. Which might be why some are blowing it out of proportion on behalf of their snowflakes. Having a best friend to stay is normal year round for many.

(Obviously I'm not including kids that choose not to stay out, or those that might have needs different to the norm etc in the above)

drbev the nastiest, most spiteful child I know is one who has parents that have encouraged her all her life to believe anyone who doesn't prioritise her at all times is horrible. That has made her a miserable bully. Not the kids that have sleepovers.

drbeverlyhofstadter · 04/09/2017 21:30

I didn't say it was the child having the sleepover party that was the bully ! It was the so called lucky friends that particular week who made the inferior friend feel worse.

I think we will have to agree to disagree and probably reflect on how our own past experiences influence how we react to these threads.

Having attended an all girls school and witnessed horrible emotional bullying has probably clouded my judgement. Call me misogynistic and overly sensitive if you like, I have 2 sons and will always try to prevent them from being bully's and protect them from bully's in any way I can.

Lurkedforever1 · 04/09/2017 22:39

If kids want to bully drbev they'll do it whether or not they are invited to a sleepover. Having a sleepover a week later won't stop a bully using it against another child.

And I see it the other way myself. You can't physically prevent your dc from bullying once they get past a young age by managing the situation they are in. But you can teach them empathy and behaviours that stop them wanting to bully in the first place. And a positive outlook so they are happy to be included in the big party, rather than looking for the slight in not being nominated the best friend that stays after it.

cambodianfoxhound · 05/09/2017 02:04

You can really tell the posters who have EQ and those who don't. Life is going to be full of disappointments and hurt, why on earth would you inflict this on little ones when you can absolutely and easily avoid it. The dawning realisation - because that is usually how it happens - that you have been left out can be crushing. Kindness is a massively underrated quality in this world.

Neutrogena · 05/09/2017 06:10

@cambodianfoxhound

Kindness is a massively underrated quality in this world.

Who is underrating it?
The issue is people are disagreeing if something is unkind or not.

SerfTerf · 05/09/2017 06:18

I completely agree @cambodianfoxhound.

blueonblue · 05/09/2017 06:20

I'm with you, OP. Awful.

I'd arrange something super special to do with DS together for him to look forward to.

It's also a good opportunity to chat about feelings and friends and how our actions make people feel. It's all part of life but it sucks!

drbeverlyhofstadter · 05/09/2017 10:56

Exactly cambodianfoxhound !