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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 02/09/2017 19:12

I am glad my DD never experienced this (at least to the best of her/my knowledge!).
I wouldn't host such an event either.

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2017 19:12

We had one last year Blush 10 went to the cinema/MacDonalds, one came home with us for a sleepover. I don't think the other 9 felt bad.

Finola1step · 02/09/2017 19:15

I have 2 scenarios up for debate.

Scenario 1: Child has a party for approx. 15 classmates plus his 2 siblings. Birthday boy then has 4 or 5 boys back after party for pizza and sleepover. All other 10 boys know what is going on as it is discussed at school and during party.

Scenario 2: Birthday boy has a big party and invites 15-20 boys. He then has one of the boys back for dinner and sleepover. Boy is an only child with no cousins his own age and likes to have his very best friend to stay after his party.

I know which one doesn't quite sit right with me.

cowgirlsareforever · 02/09/2017 19:15

It's a horrible thing to do.

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 19:17

I think it's awful. Happened to my DD a few times. She thought she was the birthday girls best friend, but clearly wasn't as she wasn't invited to the sleepover afterwards. Those that were invited to the sleepover made sure everyone knew, so lots of kids went home upset. Its just such a mean thing to do.

jjbutt · 02/09/2017 19:17

Children shoul;d not be so fragile that they cannot cope with the fact that a child has a few close friends and lots of less close friends. Honestly no wonder kids nowadays have so little resilience

MadMags · 02/09/2017 19:18

I don't think it's that a big a deal and I think adults are being a bit weird about it!

It does depend on numbers, though.

MadMags · 02/09/2017 19:19

Personally, I'd prefer to teach my kids to be thankful for a party invitation, and to enjoy what was on offer, rather than sulk about other parts of it!

WeAllHaveWings · 02/09/2017 19:21

The problem is birthday child A has a party for 10 dc. (letter are how close their friendships are). They have B, C and D back for a sleep over, E nearly made the sleepover but not quite because A is getting on better with D this week. E is upset. F is very close with B,C and D and friends with A but not as close, A doesn't like F and has been boasting/rubbing his nose in it all night that he is having a sleepover with B,C,D but he cant come. I and J don't care as they aren't close anyway.

Children go home with varying levels of upset, disappointed and wonder why they weren't good enough.

No reason whatsoever to do this to children. They aren't adults who can rationalise these feelings easily. The only parent I can imagine doing this to other children would be one who cannot see beyond their own PFB and would be raging if it happened to their child.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/09/2017 19:27

When ds had has his birthdays all come back for a sleepover if he is having one. The most was 10. It was a nightmare, they took over the living room with a mixture of 3 mattresses, 3 airbeds and 2 sofas and didn't get to sleep until 5am, but everyone was included and all had fun.

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 19:29

It's made even worse these days when all the children get to the sleepover they send Instagram messages to those not invited (who felt they should have been as thought they were best friends with birthday girl) , telling them what a fantastic time they are having and saying nasty comments like "why aren't you here, oh I forgot you weren't invited". It's parents making bullying ok.

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 19:34

I don't understand why parents don't understand how wrong it is. It's like having a birthday meal out with friends from work, and afterwards the chosen few friends are invited somewhere else. It's just rude.

MadMags · 02/09/2017 19:37

Only if you choose to see it as a slight! I'd rather not see the worst in every situation.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/09/2017 19:44

I don't think it's mean at all. Growing up i was very rarely even allowed 2 friends staying over on the same night, the rules were usually just one, apart from special occasion like birthdays i could have 2.
This typically meant that, since there were 3 of us all living in the same street, Friend A of which never hosted the sleepover (her parents had 2 children a good few years older than her, would leave her home alone despite only being around 7, expecting other parents in the street to step up if there was an accident but never telling anyone they weren't home, they clearly didn't want to parent her themselves and were more happy/prefered for her to not be home at the weekend let alone have friends over too) we would all usually spend 1 night a weekend at Friend B's house. In fact, Friend A spent both nights every weekend at Friend B's house, even when i didn't. Quite honestly i preferred to stay at home than someone elses house, even that close to home.

Some parents don't like lots of children, some have very small houses. I went to a sleepover at 15 where there were 3 of us and the girl whose house we were at, it was very cramped with not enough room for us all. Kids eat alot, they get loud in big groups, they can be hard to control.

A party that is inclusive of a bigger number of less "close" friends is great, but theres nothing wrong, mean or excluding to have just a few over for a sleepover too. I don't agree it should be on a separate night either, its a birthday treat, it makes sense to be on the birthday. Its not a snub not to be invited, not everyone can go, and any well rounded kid would understand that and how some friends are closer than others.

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 19:52

Yes but when children think they are one of the close friends, if not the closest and are not invited, then bullied all night on Instagram by those who did go....it's extremely mean.

MadMags · 02/09/2017 20:00

Tabby it sounds like you're projecting a bit.

BroomstickOfLove · 02/09/2017 20:01

But, Tabby, the alternative would be to have a sleepover with the small group and not invite the other children at all. If the child isn't going to be invited to the sleepover with party, they wouldn't be invited to the stand-alone sleepover either.

Flyinggeese · 02/09/2017 20:04

I agree that children should learn to be resilient but there are plenty of opportunities for this in day to day life; a birthday party shouldn't be an occasion where a stiff upper lip is needed!

The scenario where some children are 'B' list is particularly harsh.

To those that think it's OK, would you treat your own friends like this?

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 20:06

Broom, the alternative could be to just have a party...or if you want to do a sleepover, make sure you check with your child who their actual closest friends are.

TabbyMumz · 02/09/2017 20:07

Madmags...not projecting...that's what happens.

Girty999 · 02/09/2017 20:07

I hate sleepovers, never ever ever having them, my two are rubbish sleepers at the best of times lol x

Believeitornot · 02/09/2017 20:09

Why not have the sleepover at a different time to the party?

This is to make life easier for the parents - having it all on the same day. Without regard to the feelings of the children.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/09/2017 20:10

I have never let my dc have birthday sleepovers for this reason plus party means hyper kids, sleepover means hyper kids, party and sleepover means hyper kids squared . They can have sleepovers other weekends but not with their birthday party.

BroomstickOfLove · 02/09/2017 20:17

I would totally treat my friends like that. I might meet someone for a quiet drink or meal before meeting up with a bigger group, or go with the DC to a BBQ but leave in the evening when the childfree people get to stay, or meet up for a quick drink with a friend who has been spending the weekend visiting a closer friend in the same city, or going to the evening reception of a wedding, or attending the wedding but not being a bridesmaid, or go to a concert where I meet up with friends who've spent the afternoon doing stuff together. It's really not a big deal.

BroomstickOfLove · 02/09/2017 20:19

I could just have a party, but given the choice between a birthday party or a sleepover, DD would choose a sleepover, and would have a tiny birthday party as part of a sleepover with her maximum of 3 sleepover guests.