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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:
MadMags · 03/09/2017 10:29

a party costs as much as you want it to cost.

So does a gift.

Slarti · 03/09/2017 11:25

I don't think it was shitty at all. 30 kids went to the party at soft play and ds's 4 best mates came back for a sleepover.

Sounds shitty to me. "You're good enough to bring me a gift but only my best friends get to stay."

MrsHathaway · 03/09/2017 11:27

Tabby - they'd be bullying on social media regardless of parties; they'd be bullying about parties regardless of social media. The one doesn't cause the other.

BeyondLimitsAndWhatever · 03/09/2017 11:29

There are worse ideas for parties, I'm not too bothered by this (so long as the friends staying are a minority)

An example, a girl with a boy best friend having a "girlie" party (makeover related) and only inviting girls. Always fun to explain how shit some people's parents are with gendered things to an upset five year old. :(

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 03/09/2017 11:32

We had a similar situation recently, we told ds that while some people were going back to birthday child house, we were going to go out and do this grown up thing instead. Tried to make a special thing that afternoon so he didn't dwell on the fact that there was an 'after party' that he hadn't been invited to.

LinoleumBlownapart · 03/09/2017 11:35

DD 11 recently went to a two tier party for her whole class. The boy lives in a huge farm house. All the boys stayed over and the girls went home. The girls were really upset and his parents actually said it was mean and they will let all of them stay next year. It's a rural school and there is only 16 of them in total and the house is massive.

MadMags · 03/09/2017 11:57

Sounds like there are an awful lot of children being raised to be entitled and spoilt, IMO.

Being upset because being at a party just isn't good enough is a bit much.

As I said; my dc have been b-list party guests, because they weren't that close to birthday child compared to others who slept over.

I blame parents for allowing these molehills to become mountains.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 12:06

Being upset because being at a party just isn't good enough is a bit much.

not quite, they are being upset because they are told they are good enough to bring a gift but not good enough to stay for the whole thing. It's just rude.
it' s not a huge deal, if that happens parents can easily explain that there are some entitled snowflakes with no manners, and that you have to deal with rude people all your life. It's just so unnecessary and as the OP said, mean. It's sad that some parents are ok to encourage such shitty behaviour.

Adults would not invite some friends for drinks, and then only a selected few to stay for a meal afterwards. Actually, there probably are... the level of rudeness you discover on this forum is endless.

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:12

You sound very focused on the present.

Surely the present correlates with the party, which the child is invited to?

I've never actually done this so maybe I'm missing something but I just don't get the big deal!

Ds was at a party for 15 boys. Four of the boys are best friends so they stayed over at birthday boy's house. Ds came home having had a great couple of hours and with a slab of chocolate cake. It wouldn't even dawn on me to be upset on his behalf or anything like it!

ChickenBhuna · 03/09/2017 12:14

A small child can't be expected to understand that it's unrealistic for the 30 'party' children to all stay for a sleepover. All they see and hear is that they missed out on having more fun and it makes them feel less important to the birthday child.

Adults get pissed off/feel hurt enough with being an evening only guest at a wedding sometimes. How do you think these kind of feelings are dealt with in the fragile and immature kind of a six year old?!

ChickenBhuna · 03/09/2017 12:16

*mind.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 12:22

I am not specially focused on the present, I just don't understand people who believe it's right to have best and second-best guests. Either you invite people or you don't. Having some good enough for a party whilst the others are not is a weird mentality. It's not a great way to raise kids to encourage them to behave like little brats even on their birthdays.

I never had to deal with this, if I had to I would explain to my 5 or 6 years old that he's not good enough for that child and that not everybody likes you, that's life, just move on and make other friends. It's just a bit sad to have to do that.

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:24

I'd be surprised if people were having sleepover parties for five year olds, in fairness.

penstemon · 03/09/2017 12:25

I've been thinking about this overnight and I am going to stick to my plans for DD's birthday. Of the dozen being invited, I expect at least three won't invite DD to their party as one only has family parties, one (a boy) is only allowed boys to his parties (Hmm) and a third only has three or four to her parties and DD isn't in that group. The other nine or so may or may not invite DD depending on what they do this year. DD may or may not be able to attend any of these parties depending on what our plans are.
As soon as you move on from whole class parties, you immediately start ranking your friends and I don't see the difference. We will be inviting 1/6 of the overall guests for a sleepover and 2 out of the 9 girls. If we were excluding that number I can see it being different but we're not!

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 12:30

I could show you photos of a group of 3 year old little people all sleeping together at one of their birthday parties, when you have a summer baby it happens quite a lot Smile

Never told any child to go home whilst the other kept having fun though!

couchparsnip · 03/09/2017 12:37

DD was on the B list for one of these parties and I felt bad for her. In the end she was the only one to go home with 4 staying. Apparently it was because the rule was only 4 at a time. I still wonder if she did something awful on a previous sleepover!

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:37

I suppose people are just very different.

I have 3 dc. One of whom is a summer baby and none of us parents have sleepovers for kids that young! Thank fuck Grin

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:38

That's different couch as it's singling one child out to be left out, which is actually pretty horrible.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 12:52

really? I had a few of those, it's very informal when they are little. Just telling the parents that A & B are staying for the night and that the others are very welcome to stay too if they want.

I had a little neighbour once who was too scared to spend the night without his mummy (fair enough!) but came back first thing in the morning still in his pyjamas.

I am glad I haven't had to deal with all these party politics so far

CoughLaughFart · 03/09/2017 12:54

Adults get pissed off/feel hurt enough with being an evening only guest at a wedding sometimes

Maybe they're the kind of adults who grew up as precious little angels being told they should always have whatever they want.

I'm amazed at the number of people who think being invited to a party is 'shitty' and acting like buying a birthday gift is on the same level as donating a kidney. I can't help thinking there are some rather prissy parents on this thread who read far more into this than the kids do.

MadMags · 03/09/2017 12:56

Exactly, Cough.

Ifonlylifewasimple · 03/09/2017 13:08

Yikes that's awful!

Never heard of this but am completely lost as to how 'adults' could think this was fair or kind on the kids being sent home after the initial celebration.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 13:15

and I am amazed by the amount of posters here who seem to think that an invitation to their child's birthday party is the event of the year and everybody should be humbly grateful to be invited.

Or maybe they are these parents who spend thousands on a show-off event from birth wishing their first name was Tamara Grin

Wilburissomepig · 03/09/2017 13:21

God, I think this is absolutely awful. Having a few 'chosen ones' to sleep over, making the rest know that they're not quite special enough to stay. Fortunately I've never encountered this with my DC's and I certainly wouldn't facilitate this for their own birthdays.

Ozzde · 03/09/2017 13:22

This happened recently to my ds and he was upset, especially as I'd had the birthday boy over for a sleepover at ours the week before. Unfortunately it happens and he has to learn to get over disappointments like that.

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