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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

155 replies

murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:35

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:38

TO add, on dad's birthday, all three of us jointly skyped them to disclose the plan, with programme in a scroll (thanks LS), and they seemed so excited that we'd all be together.

I haven't spoken to her for years , for reasons of her making, but was more than happy to suck up a weekend.

OP posts:
ChevalierTialys · 01/09/2017 22:45

She hasn't spoken to you in years and her ex H will be there who her family treat as still being their family. I struggle with anxiety and this sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would send me into meltdown. Maybe she's not able to face you and ex H at the same time, knowing she can't defend herself if upsetting things are said to her because its a family occasion, "for the parents".

Taylor22 · 01/09/2017 22:47

She has her own life. It's great you want to do so much for your parents. But she has her own relationship with them and doesn't have to do anything.

Floralnomad · 01/09/2017 22:49

When do they see the GC in this weekend ?

NorthernLurker · 01/09/2017 22:50

But she said she would do this and now she's letting them down. I agree op, she's being a cow about this. Nothing you can do, but hold her to the finances. No reason why she can't pay her way.

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:50

He's only going to be at the cricket, which she isn't scheduled to be at, and to be fair, despite her leaving , they parent pretty amicably, she seems to have arranged it to suit herself and is blaming it on not wanting her friend to look after the kids, when his mother would merrily have taken them.
She most certainly doesn't have anxiety....

I just feel for the parents , who wanted a weekend with their kids. According to LS, mum has noticed....dad is aspergers, but will spot it. LS and I just want it to be nice, it's been planned since last October.
Nothing would be said to her face as we'd just be glad she was there.
.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:53

They see they kids several times a week - e.g. monday do the ballet run, and a bit other days. I think this might make their flexible arrangement less flexible.

She's trying, 1984 style, to claim that R is part of the family without remembering that a) that's not true, and b) the parents need to keep a good relationship with the ex

but none of this should be about this, it should be about us giving our parents a well deserved treat.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:54

She speaks to LS a lot, just not to me.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/09/2017 22:54

So You and MS barely speak? Perhaps she doesn't feel she can 'suck it up' Like you can.

Personally It sounds like a nitemare....

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:57

We had a laugh on the skype talk, it's doable, we're just not close. She and LS talk. And it's not about us, ti's about giving the parents a good time. And the way it was scheduled, she'd barely have to speak to me anyway!

OP posts:
Floellabumbags · 01/09/2017 23:04

I haven't spoken to her for years , for reasons of her making, but was more than happy to suck up a weekend

And yet you're having a laugh on Skype. Make your mind up.

drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:04

LS = last sister?

Little sister?

Bit weird

I'm ES (eldest sister) and get that the eldest usually gets shafted but don't get this specific thread.

Sister doesn't have time means sister has life beyond birth family or sister has issues with birth family or (not necessarily) both.

So what you want to do.

What Your sister does is no more your affair than how she spends her time and money at any other moment.

One of my sister's is massively co dependant upon my patents than I am- it just means she is emotionally 12, not that she's better (Asia evicted by the fact herein laws pay her school fees and my parents do her childcare and her 12 year old cant walk 100 meters alone where my 6 year old is independent because we live a thousand miles away and my lovely Milford speedily of cancer, but yay her, she's better...

People are shit.

Chiselle · 01/09/2017 23:05

It sounds very overbearing, and I wouldn't be overly keen on hanging out all pally with my family and my ex even if it had been am amicable split, especially if I were trying to move on with someone new and my family was not being particularly welcoming to them. It's crossing a boundary and nailing your colours to the ex's mast, I'd not be that bothered about participating in your plans either.

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:11

The schedule means she wouldn't be seeing the ex apart form the catch up on sunday evening, And as I said they parent amicably.

All we'd like, other issues aside, is for all three of us to see the parents for their treat. Maybe LS and I are being overbearing, but we needed to make some decisions in order to book things, and we had all had a 3 month discussion before booking took place, and she was happy enough on the skype chat in June. Maybe LS and I are wrong. Ok. We were trying to do the best thing. But we may have been wrong.

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Sayyouwill · 01/09/2017 23:11

But you as a family don't accept the new boyfriend? Is that right?

drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:12

Oops emotionally impaired autocorrect!

My mil died last month.

Until 6 months ago she was my only child care and an emotionally involved grandma because one of her 3 sons is a lovely gay man not interested in fathering children and bother is divorced

I have multiple siblings who try to manipulate parents.

Parents bought big derilict house 40 years ago for about one year's salary and have spent 40 years turning it into something with boasting about/ about ten years salary...

Sister who has taken the most thinks she is owed because demanding childcare for free = involvement.

Family is shit.

drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:14

Wtf does LS mean?

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:16

True. I care not for their house, I think she does as lives locally, but that's not my business.

I've not met him, Sayyouwill, LS has and says he's nice enough (has own kids, and wants to move away, another issue but not relevant to this) the issue seems to be that the parents wont have him round to sunday dinner quite yet, not my fault.

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Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:17

Sorry LS was little sister, MS middle sister

OP posts:
TalkinBoutNuthin · 01/09/2017 23:19

Not quite sure why people are responding to you badly here. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

The middle sister sounds quite self absorbed. She was in on the arrangements, and didn't make any objections known then.

Sadly though, I think you're going to have to suck it up because you don't want to cause bad feeling.

Hullygully · 01/09/2017 23:20

I don't know

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:21

Thank you, Talkin - we know we are going to have to do this, I just wish there was a way of making it better.

LS and I would never say anything about MS to the parents.

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drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:22

This is,btw, so stupid.

FYI in case of reicarnation...

You fuck around and sleep with losers between the ages of 18 as Nd 25, during which time you use double blind contraception. If you meet a man worth the considerable sacrifice of your body and independence after that be sure he thinks you're a goddess worth giving up all his money for when you inflate and become a blimp to suckle his offspring Nd ensure his eternal heritage which costs him.bext to nothing and you everything...

Twas ever thus, but it's shit...

TalkinBoutNuthin · 01/09/2017 23:23

Just sent you a quick PM op.

AliceLutherNeeMorgan · 01/09/2017 23:23

So her ex is part of the weekend but her current partner she is "trying to insert"? That sounds like a closed shop to me.

I feel sorry for her and am impressed that she's keeping her distance without kicking up a fuss. It does indeed sound overbearing. And a nightmare.