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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

155 replies

murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:35

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 01/09/2017 23:59

The whole thing sounds such a complicated nightmare to me.
Maybe money is an issue for the MS?
Can't you just have one event?

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:00

Not the case, I said I will buy 4 tickets (the max available) -told LS that 3 were me, DP and dad, did he think J would like one. but given she was supposed to be doing the alternative sunday schedule

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drinkingtea · 02/09/2017 00:03

Hmm

There are at least 7 sides to this, not just 2..

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:03

MS earns north of £80k per year. even given the separate housing renting situation, both them got at least £300k from selling the house. They bought a wreck and did it up, and well done it was gorgeous.

We started planning this last october, even at £20 a month she'd be well over budget.

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Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:05

The money is a side issue, I'll sort that if I need to, it's the presence that upsets me.

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Hmmalittlefishy · 02/09/2017 00:06

But she is coming to some of it - the tea at the ritzy with your mum? Not sure I have that right?
If she has a wedding to go to, presumably on day 1 /Saturday it sounds like she is trying to please both her family and her new partners family. Most people the day after a wedding don't feel like travelling from Birmingham to London for afternoon tea when she presumably lives the closest to your parents?
Im with you about how frustrating it is to make arrangements and do all the planning and siblings to waltz in last minute or change plans my db is an expert at it, but if you give her the benefit of the doubt she may be trying to please evey

Floralnomad · 02/09/2017 00:08

If I was divorced I think being expected to pay towards a test match ticket for my ex husband would stick in my craw a bit , and it's not a case of choosing new partner over parents , they are making her choose by refusing to associate with him .

Hmmalittlefishy · 02/09/2017 00:08

Everyone and ending up with her own family cross at her

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:15

Hmmalittlesfishy - you may have a point there re trying to please everyone, but t is a distant relative of her boyfriend that allegedly she has been with less than a year (evidence with the benefit of hindsight from LS shows that to be true), she's has suddenly said this after saying she was on for the sunday stuff. if she knew about this wedding at the start we could have arranged stuff. she's literally just thrown it in the mix

thanks, it is frustrating, i have enough of organising at work without this stuff!

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Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:17

she's not supposed t pay for his ticket, we all pay for our own all ts including dinners and split by all 3 sisters

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SpareASquare · 02/09/2017 00:17

I'm just really sad that what should be a great occasion has an undertone of , well, i don't know, spitefulness. And before you start, it's not me being spiteful

I think it actually is but I'm not sure you realise it. You have totally judged her in this post. You have pretty much said the ex over her partner is a given and make a bunch of cracks about her trying to 'insert' him into your lives. You then say you're 'firm' in your opinions.
Honestly, sounds like you formed your 'opinions' way before this weekend.
I adore my parents and I have siblings.. With what you have described and HOW your have described your sister and her life choices, especially throwing in enough to make me feel like your parents feel the same, there is no way I would go to such a weekend.
You may think you have the moral high ground here but you really don't. The undertones here are very, very clear.

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:20

basically parental cost split by three, whatever they are, e.g. i am not going to the ritz, but am paying a third of mum's cost, same applies to the cricket, everyone else pays there own costs

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HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2017 00:20

Your disapproval of her drips from your every post.

If it's obvious to us, it's obvious to her.

Is she strong enough to cope with being in the presence of someone who hates her so much? Maybe she thought she could cope for the sake of your parents but as it's got nearer, it's really affecting her mental health and she's making sensible decisions to protect herself from you.

KarmaNoMore · 02/09/2017 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:26

OK, that;s interesting. At no point have I said how her reaction to me affects me, because it wasn't relevant. But ok, I need to think more about her about her and less about how she makes me feel. Which I didn't bring up, as it wasn't relevant to the initial aibu.

But well done, it's all me being a bitch. rather than trying to do a nice thing.

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Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:28

So if you want to know, I'm crying. and angry that yet again, someone who cares not for me has reduced me to this while not knowing. I appreciated your insight though, it was helpful. but I am just so sad. i just want to make it right

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BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2017 00:31

I'm not surprised that she isn't coming to much.

You seem to judge her over her ex, her new partner, her gorgeous house, on selling the house and what she earns.

And to top it all of somebody seems to have got her child involved in all this as well

" I feel sorry for her not so DD 5, who is blaming herself for this, who now has people she is required to call 'brothers' ,for all of them having to sell the gorgeous family home, for R's family too, his wife, his kids...."

and what do "R"s' family have to do with anything?
Was you're sister the OW?
and as you will never see his children...

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:36

they were both the OW/OM so kids involved on either side. Eldest D has confided in both my mum and the choir leader re how she feels, which is sad.

i am genuinely surprised that MS seems to be some sort of saint in all this.

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Luncharmstrong · 02/09/2017 00:37

I think you are being really quite mean towards middle sister

Luncharmstrong · 02/09/2017 00:38

Your last sentence in your first post is most unkind

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2017 00:38

You can be doing a nice thing for your parents while still being a bitch to your sister.

None of us are perfect. We can mean well and do good things but still have blind spots and be inadvertently unfair.

I think you love your parents and are doing a lovely thing for them. But I also suspect that there is something wrong about how your whole family is treating your sister and that is why she is distancing herself from you all.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2017 00:40

So when you say that you divorced for the same reasons, if you mean that you were cheated on then I can see why the resentment is there.

However, If you were the OW then...

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2017 00:43

Also if you see each other 3/4 times a year how can you not have spoken to your sister for years?

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:45

Hedda, you are right that we love our parents , but she is distancing herself from us, and frankly right now, mars is not far enough

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Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 00:51

Bony, yes, I was team cheated on with MS' Ex.

I see the family aka LS and parents in many combos but not MS. to the extent that if she knows that i am coming to the parental xmas party, she won't come. and i don't know why

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