AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

[murasaki]

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

I can't imagine being happy to go to any event where my ex was invited and my current partner excluded. It's not like the grandchildren are invited, so ex being father of the grandchildren seems irrelevant. It would be a dig at me and an insult to my partner and a clear statement as to how my family judged me. Why expose myself to that, regardless of the rights or wrongs? Also if it is a family weekend, why are her children excluded? The grandchildren not there, but the ex is! Why should she go?

But I take n board that I am subsuming other events..and should apparently allow her to treat our parents as she likes

FFS OP. You are not taking anything on board. Every post ends with some kind of PA/Martyr-y comment.

How DOES she treat your parents? Because, if your posts are anything to go by, I can see how SHE is treated by all. So yeah, I'm interested in the dynamic between your parents and her.
Clearly, you all discuss her and tut tut about how awful she is etc etc. The fact that her ex is invited and any new partner is blatantly shunned shows where the line is drawn.
Maybe she should have stuck to 'the plan' but I wouldn't have in her shoes. I'd have been NC way before now

It sounds like you all took her ex's side in their divorce, to a great or lesser extent, and she's finding it hard to deal with.

Some of that may well be guilt on her part, but perhaps she was hoping things would have settled down a bit between October and the actual event. I can understand that.

Maybe she is disappointed that your parents are still excluding her boyfriend, and therefore her to some degree, from their lives. She made the decision that a relationship with him was worth the upset of breaking up a family and by refusing to meet him you are all basically saying that she was wrong. Adding your disapproval to the guilt she no doubt already feels must be hard for her, especially when you are all rallying round the ex and including him in birthday celebrations that she may feel excluded from by virtue of the ongoing refusal to achieve her current relationship.

At this point, she may well feel that ending her marriage the way she did has put her in the bad books so firmly that it makes little difference how she behaves as her relationships with the rest of you will always be noted by your disapproval of how she handled her marriage break down. Perhaps the idea of spending time with her boyfriend's family, who clearly don't feel the same way about it all, is preferable. She's clearly no saint, but it doesn't sound like your parents have made things easy for her at a time when their love and support might have made all the difference to their relationship.
I don't think you or your parents are in the wrong here, but I can see how a weekend spent with people do so clearly disapprove of your choices might feel like an unbearable prospect. Perhaps she feels like she's got nothing to lose by backing out and it sounds like she's right.

Interesting take Apache. It's made me think.

I've just got back from holiday, 3 weeks with PIL. All great because I love them to bits. DH and I have been married nearly 20 years, together nearly 25. His parents have supported me and I've supported them a lot over the years. I'm often MIL's first point of contact when she's upset or concerned about something. To me they're my family and they feel the same.

So if DH decided to run off with his secretary does that all disappear? Suddenly we're out of each other's lives and they have to play happy families with someone else?

I assume OP's parents have a good relationship with their exSIL otherwise he wouldn't have been invited. He's also maintaining a decent relationship with their daughter if they're managing to co-parent well.

I have to agree with some of the other posts. Your dislike and outright contempt of her comes through pretty clearly. I understand you are disappointed she has bailed on the plans, but it sounds like the weekend would be hell on earth for her.

Your DH cheated on you- imagine if your parents had invited him to the party.....you say her DH is a part of the family because of the children,by the same token isn't your ex a part of the family due to your children? Okay you were the injured party, but it would be hurtful for your family to do that - that might be hurtful for her also.

No-one knows what goes on inside a marriage. You say she cheated and caused carnage, but there may well be more nuanced issues involved that you are not privy to.

MS and LS clearly get on better- is there any way for LS to broach the topic with MS so at least you all have a better understanding of each other?

The weekend sounds great BTW! Do enjoy it when it happens,it sounds like fun.

If the only part she is attending is The Ritz, and that is one event you will not be at, then I suspect it is you she wants to keep away from, not your parents.

It sounds to me like you have transferred all the anger you feel for your exH other woman straight onto your sister because she was also an other woman.

Understandable perhaps but not at all fair.

Inviting her exH and not her current partner is rude (and batshit)

Just because he is "father of the grandchildren" doesn't mean he is still part of your family, he is her ex.

You have made it quite clear that you have taken his side, which is your right, but it doesn't give you the right to invite her ex and not her current partner to a family occasion.

I'm not in the slightest bit surprised she doesn't want to see you. Given that you obviously don't like her I am surprised that you are so bothered.

It's fine if you want to keep in touch with her ex. Inviting him to family functions and trying to prevent her current partner from "being inserted" into the family is not fine.

You now want to blame her for upsetting your parents. You need to take a look at how you feel about your divorce and get over hers and stop this nonsense if you want to play happy families. You don't have to like her new partner and you certainly don't have to approve of how they got together (I don't fwiw) but you do have to face facts. He is part of her life. Your former BIL is not your BIL anymore.

Perhaps she has cottoned on to the fact that she has opened up to LS over the years and she has run straight to you to 'dish the dirt' and the pair of you sit and tut and judge her?
You've said yourself you only know the intimate details of her life because of your LS.
Personally I wouldn't want to spend time with people like that

PS I think if your post had gone:

Arranged a special birthday treat for my parents with my sisters and now one has dropped out last minute to attend a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend. AIBU to be annoyed on their behalf?

I think you would have gotten a very different reaction

She might have not been happy with your brother in law, otherwise she wouldn't have taken a chance with another man.
This is an aside to the main issue but th above is certainly not true. As seen in plenty of threads on here.
People in happy relationhsip do have crushes and do act on it. They love the thrill of it, the attention etc...
Besides, if she had been that unhappy, why didn't she leave instead??

Sayyouwill, but that's not what has happened! She is only missing part of it

I can see your dilemma when you've done so much work and things don't go according to plan. To be fair, however, I can see MS's dilemma too.
Presumably the wedding she's been invited to is on day one - so she can't do that day. (Whatever yours and your family's feelings towards her new DP and the circumstances surrounding how they got together - he is still her DP and her loyalty will lie with him). So, the choice is they go to a wedding they've jointly been invited to or, she goes singly to an event that her new DP has been excluded from. It's a no brainer really.
She's coming to the Ritz on day 2.
And (if I've read your original post correctly) she wasn't coming on day 3 anyway.
So the outcome is that she'll see your mum and your LS but not you or your Dad. That is a shame for your Dad (presumably because you've not spoken to her for years you won't be too worried about not seeing her).
So, the issue seems to be her not seeing your Dad at all over the weekend - so as a compromise could he come along to tea at the Ritz too?
I would look at it philosophically - many families would just have arranged only one of the events you've got planned - so if she can manage one (tea at the Ritz) and see you mum and dad together maybe that's a suitable compromise.

It might have been fair enough to ask the ex to the cricket if the grandchildren were going, but as they aren't it is not OK. Either this is a family weekend or it isn't. You say he is 'totally part of the family' I had honk that this is something that you need to look at. You have pushed her out and pulled her ex in. It could be seen as you using him as a stick to beat her with.

Ss people are saying, it is clear you disapprove of her in how you write, so she must feel it. This is why she doesn't go to your parents Christmas party when she knows you are going. She's avoiding being stung by the jellyfish.

I know you say she chose not to be a part of the planning, but how much notice would have been taken of her ideas if you aren't speaking to her?

OP, I'm sorry for you. I do think your sister has let you down and that this seems to be a pattern.

But I also think you need to look at yourself. In this thread you sound quite passive aggressive, making comments like "obviously it's all my fault, I'm a horrible person, shocked that she's the martyr".

These are things I advise you to think about:

• You were angry at your sister for separating from her ex
• you identified with the ex and the 5 year old daughter
• you dislike how quickly she has formed a new relationship
• you think she's playing happy families with the new partner

This has coloured your interactions with her. You and your parents (and LS) clearly disapprove of her. Your parents won't invite the new partner to dinner. You haven't, I think, met him.

Her feelings and loyalties right now are to him more than to the family who thinks she blew up her life for nothing.

Make your peace with her dropping out and don't let it spoil anyone's day.

Grimbles I apologise, I misread.....

I still think my point stands however, this would have gone very differently if OP had stuck to basic facts

My sister talks about me like you talk about your sister. I don't talk to her, I don't have anything to do with her. She spends an awful lot of time 'wondering why' and if she really doesn't know that's her fault.
We've been like this from childhood, and this weekend is the sort of thing I may agree to, in theory, then deeply regret and have to scale back on just to cope. Yes, my parents may be upset, but she may well be putting her mental health first.
I cannot believe her ex is coming, that's so rude, and you need to stop making digs about her kids and her partner. I'm not convinced you feel at all sorry, and I had new brothers at five years old, step, and I love them to the ends of the earth. I'm sure she doesn't need your faux concern.
Back away, let her join in and stop getting so worked up over this. I'm sure it's lovely for parents to see their kids together, and she's coming for a bit of it. Take that and look forward to the rest!

I presume if she and her new DP have been together six months that the fall-out of their affair is still very new.

It's hard to know if she's just trying to do it all or wanting to wreck things but if she already had plans with you and your family she shouldn't change rhem for a random wedding.

I think it's interesting that you are in denial about how controlling you are being. I note that you have arranged the weekend for where it is convenient for you (I live in London, of course there's tons to do here, but don't always assume it would be wonderful for everyone else to traipse to me).

You describe yourself as team ex and invite him to the family celebration. For most or many people in your sister's position, the logical conclusion to that would be not to be around you, and not to attend the event that ex was at. That would be drawing healthy boundaries for themselves. Also people are right, if your whole family judges her, and the new partners' family does not, why wouldn't she want to hang out with them?

I think you should spend some time, and possibly therapy, diving into your own feelings and motivations around your family dynamics.

Placemark the weekend has been organised around the Lords test. That's the geographically restricting factor.

The OP's allowed to be pissed off and hurt, it died t make her controlling.

Doesn't

You have invited her ex and excluded her new partner. Honestly. how do you think that will make her feel? Why did you feel the need to do that? It just seems a very unnecessary way to behave for a weekend that you claim is all about your parents. It is almost like you are using that as a virtue screen to be able to stick the boot in your sister. I am sorry OP, but as an outsider I can see the fault on all sides. No one is coming out of this well, but if you care about your family, be the bigger person. Welcome your sisters new partner.

I don't really understand the timeline of events.

You say that your sister's relationship with her partner has been going on for less than six months, and that she had an affair with him while married.

So in the space of six months, she has started an affair with this man, got divorced, moved into a new house, introduced all the children to each other and her ex also had started an affair with the last six months, but prior to that everything was hunky dory.

That seems like a very short timeline. It is also odd for the ex husband to be invited to a major family event, especially within the time frame and given that he was having an affair.

Your sister must need time and space to deal with these huge changes.

I haven't read the whole thread but she does sound selfish. She agreed to the plans. She co,,otter to the plans and now she has had an offer of something else to do, she's ditched the plans. That is rude.

It doesn't matter what her relationship with you and LS is like, this was for your parents. It matters what her relationship with them is like. Clearly she felt okay enough with everyone involved to agree to the plans originally. So what's changed, except the wedding invitation? To ditch her parents because a better offer has come along is rude and disrespectful. If she didn't want to be part of this weekend for your parents, in the ways it's been planned, she should have said so to begin with. She didn't, so she's putting her new boyfriend before her parents. She's being selfish.

You have invited her ex and excluded her new partner

Just finished reading the whole thread - I think this is the crux of the matter.

It is hard on families when relationships break down; it involves a lot of readjustment all round. But if your parents won't have anything to do with her new partner, then inviting her ex must surely be like a red rag to a bull from her perspective?

Sylviapoe- I don't understand the timeline either, to have an affair , end your marriage, sell the family home & move somewhere else- all in six months?
But- I don't think the ex-dh was having an affair as well, I think the OP was referring to the sis and her new partner both having an affair with each other, so she was the OW to her current partner and he was the OM to her. I think, perhaps the OP will clarify?

OP, I don't know enough to know of the ins& outs to really judge here, but just from reading this thread the whole weekend and all the arrangements seems bloody exhausting! Maybe it is too much for your sis, I know it would be for me! Can you not scale down the weekend and all the drama ?