AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

[murasaki]

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

i am genuinely surprised that MS seems to be some sort of saint in all this

Noone has said this however you keep saying that this should be all about your parents and nothing else. But it's not. You have not made it all about your parents. You've used it as an opportunity to judge your sister once again and make sure she's as uncomfortable as possible without being overt about your actions. You've brought YOUR feelings and negativity about her life choices into this under the guise of 'doing something nice'
You say you didn't bring up how she makes you feel because it isn't relevant but you have let it shape the weekend. The more you post, the clearer the picture. I can totally understand why she isn't going.

I was team cheated on with MS' Ex

I'm sorry I don't understand.
Do you mean that you were cheated on at the same time as your MS cheated on her ex?

You've lost me

fair point, but if she'd actually contributed to the planning, it could have been different.

Anyway, despite my shock that apparently it is my fault I will think it through. thanks.

I dont think yabu at all.
You may not think highly of your ms, but i still think she's wrong to suddenly drop out after it's all been arranged.
This was for your parents, you may not have the best relationship however if she agreed to do all this she could have done this for them.

Sorry, re the cheating thing I meant that i identified with her ex as i didn't know it was 'leaving time' until it was. so yes i feel sorry or him having gone through the same thing . not really relevant to MS's behaviour re this though

But I take n board that I am subsuming other events..and should apparently allow her to treat our parents as she likes.

Thanks, Kali, that's what we thought x

I see the family aka LS and parents in many combos but not MS. to the extent that if she knows that i am coming to the parental xmas party, she won't come. and i don't know why

Are you still none the wiser OP? Seriously?
Even after reading this thread you don't know why she doesn't want to be around you?

I can understand why you are angry with your sister. I can 'feel' the anger in the way you write about her, the words you use etc.

People can do really hurtful things to others. She agreed to the plans being made and then let you down again.

I think you need to let it go. Have a fantastic time with your parents and don't let the occasion be all about her absence. Don't waste your emotions on her. Accept it and move on.

How your parents feel is between them and her. Keep out of it.

But I take n board that I am subsuming other events..and should apparently allow her to treat our parents as she likes.

I don't think that she should treat your parents as she likes, but your relationship is much deeper than this one incident, and that is influencing your view and your relationship with your sister.

But the cheating has also influenced your families view of her and how they react to her.

The final piece is whether "R" is the other man, the boyfriend or both, as if they have only been together 6 months this will be raw for everyone, if its longer then she will see it as the family choosing her ex over her.

You clearly dislike/judge/hate her, she knows this, that's why she is only willing to attend the event you aren't going to. Maybe that's for the best?

Well, if it's any consolation, op, I'd say it's only a matter of time before she goes NC with you, and I don't blame her. By fawning over her ex, you're excluding her from your family, but don't worry, you can cover your nasty attitude towards her by acting indignant. I never thought I'd say this about a woman that's cheated of her husband, but ffs, I really feel sorry for her.

I think you're setting her up to be the 'bad' sister. I think you knew rightly she wouldn't want to go to the family get together, if her ex was there and you've played a blinder. If she did go, you'd bitch about her making her ex feel uncomfortable or if she didn't, then she's nasty.

I'm sorry from all the troubles you have had, OP, but you are really competing with your MS, from what I can read. Has that always been the case?

Her relationship with your parents really isn't any of your business. If she lives in same city as them it is really not such a special occasion for them to spend the weekend with her.

I agree with talkin she made plans let her family down and you're the baddie- obviously

I think things are clearer now!

So your MS cheated on her DH with her now DP. And he did the same. Both cheated on their partners and have an assortment of upset DC as a result.

You sympathise with her exH as your DH cheated on you at the same time so you know how he feels.

This also explains why your DM and DF think more of their ex son in law than they do of MS's new partner.

Regardless of this, the three of you wanted to arrange a fab celebration weekend for your parents. Act nicely together for a couple of days. Now MS has backed out for a wedding so you're hacked off.

Is that about right? If so then YANBU.

I don't know why you keep hammering in about how long they have been dating. It's irrelevant really. She's obviously serious about him and steady. Which is all that matters. The wedding isn't really about the distant relative. It's about being integrated into his family who will all be there.

I don't quite understand why he wasn't invited to your weekend though? It's not for you to judge when it's appropriate. It's up to her.

White - if that is the case, it's still unreasonable to insist the ex is there above the partner. It should be MS's choice who's there in reality. Not you or your family's. You and your parents shouldn't be judging her or making her choices. You shouldn't be taking sides. You should be accepting her and loving her for who she is. Yes what she did was crap but her relationships are her choices. At some point you will have to recognise her boyfriend as a committed partner.

I don't know why you're having such a hard time on here OP. The family dynamics are all completely academic. Sister agreed to plan and is now bailing. That's not acceptable.

Regardless of her actions in her relationships you are suppose to love your family unconditionally. Yet your family prioritise her ex over her. Her ex could have been abusive who knows you didn't see her often to know what her relationship was like. I wouldn't want to go either although what you've got going on is a lot she still attending some parts. It's clear you don't like her, the fact she actively avoids you is very telling and suggests there is a long standing issue here, you don't come across a particularly warm caring person about her intact quite your father cold about her.

OP - have you asked your parents what they would have liked to have done to celebrate.

It all seems somewhat complicated.

If I were your sister, I wouldn't want to go either and instead concentrate on being welcomed into another family.

I also think as above that it's only a matter of time before she goes no contact with you. I wouldn't blame her at all.

I feel it's utterly inappropriate to have her ex involved at all, even for just one part of a convoluted extended celebrations (could you have not done just one part???). This all seems to be about you wanting to make a big show off gesture to your parents to show them how the "good" daughter(s) behave.

I really hope you do have a good think about these responses, as your family is going to lose a sister/daughter otherwise.

I am coming from the POV of someone who has no contact with siblings and is so much happier and healthier for it.

I agree with Kali. It's sounds like you have put a lot of thought into arranging a lovely weekend for your parents. Your sister should stick to the plans. I suppose her partner could be giving her grief about socialising with her ex at the cricket. It is also your parent's choice when and if they invite your sister's new partner to their home.

I'd be careful. You're dripping all sorts of potentially identifying info (e.g. the reference to 'the choir leader'). Or is that on purpose?

It sounds a very messy situation. But as some other posters have picked up on, your dislike and disapproval of your sister is very evident, and I would't be surprised if the issues had started long before this sorry mess kicked off.