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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

155 replies

murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:35

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

OP posts:
SylviaPoe · 02/09/2017 09:30

Thanks MrMessy, that makes more sense.

KarmaNoMore · 02/09/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maelstrop · 02/09/2017 09:54

I don't understand why her DP of six months has been left out. Despite being the OM, it is unfair on him and your ms. Was her ex invited purely to keep your dad company at Lords? Because I'm not seeing why he has been invited. It must be a huge slap in the face for your ms, regardless of whether they co-parent amicably or not. If I had a new partner, I too would decline to participate in a family event to which he wasn't invited.

SylviaPoe · 02/09/2017 09:55

NO!

There is middle sister and middle sister's new partner.

They started having an affair with each other when both of them were married.

Smile
SylviaPoe · 02/09/2017 09:56

My post was to Karma.

placemark123 · 02/09/2017 10:09

Yes but I think that organising both parents 70th birthday weekend around a lords game when multiple members of the weekend won't want to go to except of course ms' ex-DH is a little bit off anyway. It just seems as though OP has organised a 'lovely weekend' that fits in both around her geographically, around things she is interested in and with people she wants there, regardless of how appropriate the latter is and of the repercussions it will have.

The ms I believe lives in the same city as the parents and sees them all the time. Maybe she doesn't want to go on an expensive weekend where her little sister pretends to be her confidant and then gossips about her, her big sister has massive issues expressed via resentment and bitterness, everybody disapproves of her and fawns over her ex-DH, her partner is excluded so she has no support....hmm, now why doesn't this expensive weekend sound like fun for her?

placemark123 · 02/09/2017 10:10

And there are lots of games at lords... of OP wants to go with her little sister's ex-husband and her dad, she could have arranged it for another time.

SilveryFlowers · 02/09/2017 10:24

I think placemark has summarised it pretty well.

SylviaPoe · 02/09/2017 10:27

Yes.

Floralnomad · 02/09/2017 11:28

But if she's only been with this man officially for 6 months he wasn't even on the scene when this was planned last October . Surely anything you plan a year in advance you must realise that things may change .

Sayyouwill · 02/09/2017 11:35

So was it planned before the breakdown of the marriage and the affair?

Madwoman5 · 02/09/2017 12:00

Who gives a shit about the past misdeeds of the family? Your ms is her own person as is your dm. Their relationship is nothing to do with you. You and ls have planned the most awesome, kind and generous weekend of fun for your parents and she has chosen to exclude herself from the process/activities. None of this is under your control and the only one who has to justify their behaviour is her. Carry on and enjoy it with those that can be arsed to show. Defuse the drama by disregarding her behaviour. As to payment? This is about your parent's activities, not dependent on what she does and does not attend. Of course she should cover her portion.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/09/2017 12:12

SylviaPoe

There is middle sister and middle sister's new partner.

They started having an affair with each other when both of them were married.

but we don't know this, we are making the assumption on some of the information that we have.

From the OP not talking to the MS for years, it could be that the affair was some years ago, and the New partner had nothing to do with it.

But unless the OP says we will never know.

Original poster
murasaki · 02/09/2017 13:21

Interesting, if harsh, there is lots to think about here. But in the meantime, I just hope it all goes smoothly.

OP posts:
GinAndToast · 02/09/2017 19:39

Sorry if you think it's over harsh, I think people are just trying to be honest.

And really don't think it will be okay unless you change something/ a lot about the weekend. I think there is not a chance in hell it will go smoothly otherwise.

Original poster
murasaki · 03/09/2017 00:43

I didn't think it was over harsh, just interesting to hear other points of view, to which I'm open. TBH, Little sis has been the main organiser, bar me doing the cricket, and us talking about the rest, so I'm not sure what I can change now.

There are clearly other issues at play, i get that, and that is a whole different world of pain and will need dealing with at some point. I'm just hoping that we can make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 03/09/2017 00:45

But genuinely thanks to everyone for putting the opposing view, as I can get a bit blinkered, and it's given me much to think about.

OP posts:
MissEDashwood · 03/09/2017 04:17

I think you need to go back and look at your responses and how you speak about your sister. For whatever reason you don't like her, it does come across in the way you talk about her intentional or not.

As others have said, she will move forward with new DP and NC with the lot of you. This weekend will likely be a trigger, why invite the ex. Whether he's the wounded party or not isn't blood meant to be thicker than water?

Or can you answer honestly whether her going NC with all of you is what you'd like as there'd be another reason to hold against her?

If your ex was invited how would you feel? When you're trying to move on? If your sisters gossiped about you and you were the odd one out, again how would this make you feel?

Events happen at Lords all the time, so it could have been arranged for an alternate weekend. It looks like her ex is strongly still part of the family. As others have said there could, probably was reasons she decided to do what she did. No it's not pleasant but it's happened and for the sake of your niece I think moving forward is the best thing to do.

They do say in families of 3 it's the middle child who is always the one that suffers. It's not true all of the time, but it adds fuel to the fire here.

Original poster
murasaki · 11/09/2017 00:41

Quick update - obviously the cricket didn't happen, but we had a plan b for dad and exh that was a boat trip down the thames and a tour round the cutty sark and a picnic in greenwich park before meeting the others in a pub for prosecco. It went really well, including the bit in the pub with everyone. SiS and I actually chatted a lot, we all laughed a lot, and it was fine. they just made their train backk - were supposed to leave earlier but seemed to be enjoying themselves. so on the whole, i think win.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 11/09/2017 00:46

So basically, we all remembered it was about the parents, and had a nice time when we adhered to that. We have photos of us all laughing, and i don't think i have any photos of the 5 of us together in at least 15 years, so that is lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 11/09/2017 00:59

But i took a lot from your comments, and that probably informed my weekend, so thank you

OP posts:
TalkinBoutNuthin · 11/09/2017 11:30

I'm glad it was a happy occasion for your parents, and for you.

Hopefully it has gone someway to re-establishing your relationship with your DSis.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2017 11:34

Nice update OP.

NataliaOsipova · 11/09/2017 11:49

Great! So glad it all went off well for you and your parents after all your hard work.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 11/09/2017 12:37

Oh and thank you for updating! It's soooo nice to see how things go after someone's been on for advice!