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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re middle sister and the parental birthday

155 replies

murasaki · 01/09/2017 22:35

OK, sorry, this is a long one.

My parents both turn 70 this year, so we, the three sisters, me, MS and LS. decided to put on a weekend for them.

LS and I have basically done all the work, but are happy with what we have planned. Day one, Tate Modern (LS, me, DP, parents), posh pub dinner, Globe theatre. Day 2, LS, and mum service at st Pauls, tea at the ritz , Dad, me and DP and MS''s ex, father of the grandchildren, 4th day of the England v windies test at lords, (dad has never been), meet at a pub in a mutual situation for catch up afterwards.

MS was supposed to come to day one and day 2, but has now pulled out as she apparently has to go to a wedding of a distant relative of her new boyfriend (for the interests of truth, she has been trying to insert him into the family but even according to her timetable of them getting together which none of us believe) she is only attending the ritz bit and so will not see my dad all weekend. Ex H , as father of the kids is totally part of the family, and am happy to see him at the cricket, and he is working round the train stuff, which she initially used as an excuse.

LS and I are furious, as it should be about the parents, and apparently mum is already upset. The deal is that we three split the costs of all the parents tickets, meals etc, but I expect she won't. AIBU to think that she is the most selfish person Ive ever met?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 01/09/2017 23:30

ok look at it from her view , she's invited to a family wedding of her current partner and her parents won't even have him round for dinner , makes the choice of which occasion to attend pretty obvious really .

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:30

Hah Alice. She is doing anything including kicking up a fuss. And thank you for your opinion.

You feel sorry for her . I feel sorry for her not so DD 5, who is blaming herself for this, who now has people she is required to call 'brothers' ,for all of them having to sell the gorgeous family home, for R's family too, his wife, his kids....

there's a lot of sorry going on there. But she could have sucked it up for one weekend.

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:31

Sounds ridiculous and fake now.

99 people who aren't actually close and all hate each other pretending to be friends...

Warm whoop dear do.. do what you like. All of you hate one another.

Sotho GS for dependant relatives or people you actually care about or not at all.

Namechangeblock · 01/09/2017 23:31

So your parents are having MS's ex-husband as part of the celebrations but won't accept her new partner? I'd say the only thing going on here is that your parents are reaping what they sow...

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:31

Not really, random extended family v your own parents?

sorry, I'm still angry about this, I'm sure when we all have a lovely time, I'll forget her, if the parents don't bring it up

OP posts:
Namechangeblock · 01/09/2017 23:33

Her own parents that won't accept her life choices? Sometimes blood family isn't all it's cracked up to be

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:34

partner of nominally 6 months v 13 years?

I'm surprised by the responses, but will take them and think about them.

OP posts:
Namechangeblock · 01/09/2017 23:36

He's her ex - presumably for a reason, a reason you may not be party to.

Namechangeblock · 01/09/2017 23:38

Anyway, I have no idea if anyone is being unreasonable or not - we don't know enough. My overwhelming impression from reading your OP was that it all sounded rather claustrophobic, and the extensive Birthday plans all sounded a bit OTT. and I'm naturally defensive of middle sisters

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:39

That is very true. and it was given to other family members than me, and to be fair, I did get it, it was 'is that all there is' I do get that. But it has been handled badly, however much i think she did the right thing if that was the case

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:40

I don't judge her for the split, i divorced for the same reasons but the way she did it ad there are kids. but that is all irrelevant, this is about the parents

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:41

Basically, I'm all 'crack on love', but just this one weekend....

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:44

There are far too many people involved

And far too many people staking a claim.

It sounds as though actually all your siblings care about is whether they will eventually inherit property.

I have a sibling like that and she is utterly Machiavellian and plays the long game. Her choice to be a human tumor at best and a human cancer at worst could eat away at me - our parents (one parent in particular) choose the emotional fake closeness at the expense of genuinely knowing other grandchildren and an adult relationship with their own children because they are only capable of an unequal adult tochild

smurfit · 01/09/2017 23:44

Did you ask her if she was ok with her Ex H being invited? It's totally unreasonable to do that without consulting her. You didn't necessarily need to invite her new partner but to invite the old one is insulting.

It's up to her to manage her blended family dynamics. So as you say, suck it up and support your sister.

drinkingtea · 01/09/2017 23:47

Sorry adult to child relationship (obviously )

People often choose relationships which give them power in return for theoretical reward. Be careful!

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:47

Yes she was consulted re J and the cricket, said it was fine.

I just don't know what to think any more about it, LS and I are in tune on this one, have sorted everything, we'll see.

TBH, I didn't think it WBU, but it's given me some things to think about. Although I'm afraid I'm holding my position firmly re MS.

OP posts:
Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:50

I'm just really sad that what should be a great occasion has an undertone of , well, i don't know, spitefulness. And before you start, it's not me being spiteful, I was just all 'how many tickets should i book'.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 01/09/2017 23:50

I'd let her off. The ex being all chummy with you all is great - but no split is THAT amicable. And her new boyfriend might be the love of her life - usually families are accommodating of new people/friends - they don't regard a new friend as someone trying to be "inserted".

Can't understand the whole weekend thing - it is like the queen's birthday (well as I read about the queen's birthday). I love my parents and I think every occasion after 70 is well worth celebrating - but keep it as simple as you can - one party or dinner, maybe a casual lunch the day after spontaneously.

I love my family and I love my in laws and I think I'd be dragging after a whole weekend like you described.

blackteasplease · 01/09/2017 23:52

I agree. Totally unreasonable to invite the exh without consulting her. She should totally have right of veto as to whether he is included in her own family. No wonder she is ambivalent about it!

Pallisers · 01/09/2017 23:52

I don't judge her for the split, i divorced for the same reasons but the way she did it ad there are kids

Read that back. You are judging her. Maybe you are right maybe you are wrong but you are judging her. If you acknowledge that and why you might be able to see things clearer.

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:55

Fair point re the weekend, but Mum and Dad, and MS live in Birmingham, I'm in London, and LS is in Slough, the parents hardly ever come to london and really it was booked around me getting tickets to the test match at lords for dad.

Otherwise we see each other 2/3 times a year , so yes, it sounds a bit queen's birthday, but we wanted to make it like that as they may not make 80, so it seemed a good idea

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 01/09/2017 23:56

So he was invited and you told your sister he would be attending? Not quite the same as asking her if you could invite the ex! I feel sorry for your scapegoat MS.

Original poster
murasaki · 01/09/2017 23:56

I'm regretting it now though!!

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 01/09/2017 23:58

I'm sure that's no solace to your sister

SaturnUranus · 01/09/2017 23:59

I think MS should have honoured her original agreement, but I agree with those who think there is something 'off' about the way her boyfriend seems to be excluded from the family.

It must sting a bit that her ex is invited to things but her boyfriend doesn't even get a dinner invitation. The weekend sounds as though it could be very uncomfortable for her.

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