To wonder why people are so judgemental about how others spend their money?

[Judgementalmuch]

I'm really confused right now. I can't for the life of me understand WHY people care so much about how anyone else decide to spend our money. I have examples.

I recently discovered a hateful forum that targets youtubers and bloggers. 2 of my favourite bloggers are religiously attacked for their spending habits. Honestly, they are called all sorts and mocked because they like to buy expensive bags/shoes/whatever. People wish them misery ("hope she loses her house" !) or accuse their spouses of "giving her an allowance".

Today , and the reason I am posting, I was out with a friend. She has a lovely designer bag and as we were walking to the car park, we could clearly hear a woman behind us (pushing a buggy) say "such a waste of money. Instead of wanting to show off a bag she could have made better use of that money" to which her friend giggled and replied "and she probably rents. So silly." "Or just doesn't have kids yet so she fritters it all". This (and lots of giggling) was all within earshot of us and I wanted to say something badly but my friend gave me 'the eye'. This really angered me as this is the only designer bag my friend has, its brand new and I fear this has taken some of the joy from her purchase.

I have previously had sly comments made about me too, which I confront.

I see this often, where people judge others (often those more comfortable financially) for their purchases. Why? Why would anyone care how a complete stranger spends their money??

So what if she buys a £300 candle. It's her money !
So what if she buys a £4,000 bag. It's her money !
So what if he buys a £20,000 watch? It's his money ! (But I rarely see my male friends/relatives judged. Their often celebrated for their "success")

So bloody what?

We shouldn't judge. However I can't help it sometimes. A friend recently came into a small inheritance. After she'd paid off credit card debts etc her priority was a pair of laboutin shoes. I did think how ridiculous. Sorry.

I agree with Lakie and others in that conspicuous consumption, in a country where people use food banks, barely survive on zero hour contracts, beg on the street etc etc is (in my opinion) distasteful. Let alone the huge inequalities throughout the world.

I am not jealous of people who have expensive handbags or cars but I don't admire their values and choices.

I hope I do act with integrity when spending any 'spare' money, I volunteer in areas that work to help people who are homeless and my paid job is for a charity so I hope I am doing my small part in working towards a more just society.

Am totally aware that makes me sound like a goody goody .

How do you know the people with designer bags aren't also donating to charity and volunteering?

Interesting the people who judge "but would never say it" don't feel they're saying it to the people here who might have the item they're judgemental about...

We spend money on lots of things that the riteous of MN get in a tizzy about.

Cars, clothes, holidays, private education, a housekeeper .
The latest round of lecturing is from folk who don't think I should pay my DC through university. Apparently this is the mark of an idiot .

There are 2 levels of this as I see it.

One is the conspicuous consumption previously mentioned. where people may as well be walking adverts. It's different from getting a few named brands as a treat, it's constant and then the next name band wagon is jumped on and the previous stuff dumped. Some of these people especially on You Tube etc will be sponsored to consume x or y brand. This looks a bit let them eat cake when food bank usage is growing.

The latter is more insidious.
This has been fostered by and grown out of the spongers wasting hard working tax payers money. First it was benefits claimants who should expect nothing more than to subsist on whatever diet Joe Bloggs deems fit because it's his money that's paying for it.
Now it's your local plumber, teacher, nurse, cleaner etc. Anyone who provides a service. You pay for that service either directly or via taxation, so the expectation to have a right to say what that money is then spent on has transferred over from Joe Bloggs because it was accepted and is an extension of it.

Add in the current culture of racing to the bottom, the I haven't got x, so why should anyone else, take it away from them, sectors and it makes for a grim society that's developing.

Katedotness
You have a point. I thought that as I typed.
I think I'm aware there are some things I can't imagine comfortably spending that much money on, but I don't think less or judge people who do.

But to say to someone Oh, I can't imagine spending that much money on X, sounds pointed and critical. It's an unnecessary comment.

Or maybe I'm just a hypocrite. I can't quite decide.

Some of it's aspirational though. If you can't have a million pound house or sparkling Mercedes, you can stretch to a Mulberry bag, and having had a look on their website because of this thread I just might . They were nicer than I imagined.

There weren't that many designer bags or acrylic nails at the public school gates tbf. Lot of range Rove's and Audis though but many were 7-10 years old. Loads of snide comments from other parents at dc's primary though when we took that decision.

The wealthiest person I know knocks about in socks (with hole), hotter sandals, gypsy skirt and balding fleece and arrives at Sainsbury's in a 15 yr old polo. Just clock the ring and earrings. You would never ever guess she'd sold her house for £3.5m and is furious that it was knocked down to make way for a £10m one. She walks from her "little cottage" in zone 3 to zone 2 to save fares. She's 86!!

I hope I do act with integrity when spending any 'spare' money, I volunteer in areas that work to help people who are homeless and my paid job is for a charity so I hope I am doing my small part in working towards a more just society.

So what do you spend your money on?

I also work for a charity and volunteer. I also grow my own veg. So I figure I'm virtuous enough to judge you for your discretionary spending. Unless you pay your rent, bills, and vegan groceries and donate everything else, in which case you win at virtue.

I know I sound sharp here. I just think it's so totally hypocritical of all of us to make these judgements, especially of strangers. We all spend money on non-essential stuff, and we don't know anyone else's story. I spend money on art supplies, on travel, on my garden. I don't think that makes me a better person that someone who doesn't like gardening or painting but does want a really nice handbag. Just someone with different priorities.

You are quite right Winnnie - none of us should judge other people's behaviou or spending habits, and none of us are 'better' than anyone else.

I see judgement in all walks of life - judging the people who use the local food bank (ie: 'How dare someone have a fag and then use the Food Bank'); just as much as someone might judge the buyer of an expensive hand bag.

It is hypocritical; I get that, which is why I made the point that I am very aware that I sound like a sanctimonious do gooder - but I guess in life we gravitate towards people who share our own values and out look on life.

There is a painful level of not stealth boasting going on in this thread. I'm slightly embarrassed for some of you

The more you have, the more you want.

Ragwort - see, I don't find 'we gravitate towards people who share our own values' any more acceptable when you're using it to explain why you wouldn't want to be nice to someone with an expensive handbag than I do when I hear people say it to explain why they assume that someone who isn't well off is someone they would like to associate with.

When I was dirt poor and living in a sink estate in South London and doing a minimum wage job I saw people judge me on a regular basis and assume I was not intelligent, was not motivated, was not a 'nice' person because I was wearing Florence & Fred clothes, because I had tattoos, because I was stacking shelves in Tesco. In fact, I had a PhD, but whatever.

And I'm not sure it's acceptable now to say 'someone who is carrying a designer handbag wouldn't share my values' either. I also think it's super unreasonable for us to campaign for people to not judge the people we work with based on appearances or assumption and then judge others.

winnie - I genuinely admire you if you have the capacity not to judge at all, truly that is very admirable. I try not to judge, I try not to think 'who am I likely to get on with' - but if I meet two different people on the same day, one wears designer clothes, drives an upmarket car & has a high powered job in Banking; the other volunteers for a charity close to my heart, clearly doesn't go in for designer clothes and handbags and uses public transport - both suggest we meet for a coffee - who am I likely to choose??

And no where am I saying 'I wouldn't be nice to someone who has a designer bag'; I hope I am friendly and polite to everyone I meet. I might think 'we probably wouldn't get along as close friends' but of course I wouldn't say that to someone. And by thinking that, is it any worse than thinking that I wouldn't have much in common with a KKK member? . Is it acceptable to somehow know that you wouldn't be best friends with someone who has extreme political views to yourself? My DH and I don't share exact political views, neither is extreme but we certainly don't vote the same way.

Genuinely, please advise me what is the answer to not making judgements? (As in the context of this thread).

Conspicuous consumption and obvious displays of materialism are always going to provoke reactions.

In most cases, that's the whole point, after all. You don't spend £1k on a bag or 20k on a Rolex unless you want to show off and impress people.

If you are buying this stuff, you are inviting a reaction, so grow a thick skin and take the rough with the smooth.

I drive a very quick German sports car, and I really couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. It's my toy, not theirs.

And no where am I saying 'I wouldn't be nice to someone who has a designer bag'; I hope I am friendly and polite to everyone I meet. I might think 'we probably wouldn't get along as close friends' but of course I wouldn't say that to someone. And by thinking that, is it any worse than thinking that I wouldn't have much in common with a KKK member? 

Blimey. Bit of a leap.

My cousin has designer clothes/bags/shoes coming out of her ears. She's also worked her arse off to afford the kind of lifestyle she has, and we get on just fine. She doesn't judge me for living on a council estate and not having expensive clothes/designer stuff, and I don't judge (or begrudge) the lifestyle she has. In fact, I'm bloody happy for her. It's the life she wanted, chose and worked hard for. My life is the life I wanted, chose and worked hard for. We move in different circles, but the fact there is a huge divide in terms of wealth between us, doesn't mean there's a divide anywhere else.
I also confess that I wouldn't be able to spot designer anything unless it was really obviously branded (apart from those shoes with the red sole), because I'm not really into designer stuff, so I suppose I wouldn't covet it iyswim.

notreallyarsed has summed it up to perfection. It's quality that matters not branding. The nicest handbag I have ever seen was in Aspreys window. No logos no bling just sheer simply quality. I wouldn't spend a thousand on a bag but I did think I'd part with several hundred for that one. Googled when I got home and it was £5000.

But something from TK Max can be cut on the bias in a beautiful fabric as easily as something stamped with a logo isn't.

I thought the main point of expensive designer bags/shoes/watches was to show off ones wealth and class. If that is the case, then like bonnie said, grow a thick skin or put it away

*Elephantsahoy

If you spend the money you earn on private education for your DCs, it is suddenly perfectly ok for everyone to criticise this choice

Yes it is because it affects everyone.*

How? By being a contributing member of society through having great education? Youn think many great doctors, professors, scientists did not go to private? You sound stupid and jealous.

Scatteri I disagree. I don't believe that you have to be kitted out in designer or have a huge home in order to have an expensive car. Someone may not care what their jeans/house look like but be really into bags/cars. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to show off - it's for them. I know a woman who says her bags are fake when asked because she doesn't want to deal with the hassle. If it was for showing off purposes, why would she say this? It's for her.

To the PPs who think designer things are for showing off, I disagree. Read my above example. Sometimes people just like certain things and those things happen to be expensive.

I just think it wouldn't be acceptable for me to judge someone carrying a £10 handbag but it is for that person to judge someone carrying a £1,000 bag? That's not right.

How? By being a contributing member of society through having great education? Youn think many great doctors, professors, scientists did not go to private? You sound stupid and jealous.

Oh god I could spend HOURS on this topic but it probably doesn't belong on this thread.

I will just say one thing: do you really, really not see how private schooling contributes to social inequality? The majority of politicians and CEOs in this country were privately educated. Do you think that's fair or right, or that children from low income backgrounds are simply not as able?

Do you really think that state schools don't produce doctors, professors and scientists and that their pupils won't contribute to society, because that's what you implied.

And to respond to your insults, no I'm not stupid: if you use qualifications as a marker of intelligence then I have a first class degree from a RG university and an MA. And I'm not jealous at all: I could afford to send my DS to private school. I choose not to.

HTH. Send your kids to private school all you want but please don't fool yourself that you're doing society a favour by doing so.

The wealthiest person I know knocks about in socks (with hole), hotter sandals, gypsy skirt and balding fleece and arrives at Sainsbury's in a 15 yr old polo. Just clock the ring and earrings. You would never ever guess she'd sold her house for £3.5m and is furious that it was knocked down to make way for a £10m one. She walks from her "little cottage" in zone 3 to zone 2 to save fares. She's 86!!

That is true class.

That story reminds me of an elderly lady I cared for in a nursing home, she was a lovely woman, very kind, polite, always chatted to anyone who was around and didn't have a lot of "things". She had 2 of everything (clothes wise) apart from shoes, she only had one pair and never spent a lot at the shop which came round weekly. Imagine our surprise when she died and left 18 million to the national library and various charities!

Sorry I don't know how to quote on here but...

The wealthiest person I know knocks about in socks (with hole), hotter sandals, gypsy skirt and balding fleece and arrives at Sainsbury's in a 15 yr old polo. Just clock the ring and earrings. You would never ever guess she'd sold her house for £3.5m and is furious that it was knocked down to make way for a £10m one. She walks from her "little cottage" in zone 3 to zone 2 to save fares. She's 86!!

That is true class.

Funny how we use language. If a 'rich' person acts like she/he isn't then they are 'classy' or 'eccentric' yet if a 'poor' person were to act/dress in a similar way they wouldn't be described in the same way. Just an observation.

People can spend their money how they wish. I do find it awful that there are some with so much when we have others with so little. Not a judgment on either, again just an observation.