To ask what age you would let dc have a drink at home

[ohhereweareagain]

Dh thinks 15 if there is a special occasion whilst I don't agree. I have no idea if I am being unreasonable as I don't drink. I grew up in a culture where drink wasn't much a part if it whilst his was very different

The thing is people say "in moderation" or "on special occasions" but those are pretty vague concepts i.e. one parents special occasion might be Christmas or New Years, another might mean family parties, exam results or anytime the teen has friends staying for the night. And moderation for one person might mean a small shandy, for another it's 3 cans of cider.

Honestly I think many parents are well intentioned (and some are surprisingly blasé) but it's one thing to say they are allowed a Buck's Fizz on Xmas day and a glass of champagne on NYE, there's no ambiguity there. When it's all a bit of a moveable feast as it were, and there's a vague ok to drink sometimes you've left the door open for your 14/15 year old to argue that this is one of those times.

We were invited to a barbecue during the summer, 50th birthday, it was a family style party i.e young children, teens, adults. A few of the teens in attendance, I think two were 15, one 14, were kicking off with their parents arguing that "well you let me drink at x thing or y thing, why not at this" and "how come it's only when you decide something is a special occasion? I think uncle X 50th is a special occasion". It probably didn't help that there were two others the same age who were allowed (and a couple more who it wouldn't even have occurred to). It was actually a bit awkward as my friend who organised it hadn't expected that there would be teens drinking or looking to drink in her home and a few people felt uncomfortable.

I just think that when you start introducing it to young teens you blur the boundaries so it becomes very normal that they drink and as pps have said this doesn't mean they'll be fine at 16/17 when they're being offered and encouraged to drink all sorts by their peers. UK and Ireland (where I am) have major issues with alcohol and I'm not convinced giving it to children or teens is the way to address the problem.

Agree with cory - the drink itself is less important than why people want to lower their inbibitions or alter their mind for a while.
It's not much good reducing the numbers of kids with alcohol problems if the result is they're just getting stoned instead. The teens next door told me they and most of their friends smoked weed because it was easier to get hold of nowadays than alcohol. There was a lot to be said for the policy of pubs turning a blind eye to teenagers nursing half a cider all night in a back corner.

My kids are younger; the alcoholic in the family became so after war experiences and was trying to blot out the nightmares with the only drug he could get in the 50s/60s. My mother's family drink rather a lot, but mainly responsibly, so it was dinned into me from the time I knew what alcohol was, 4ish, you never drink alone, ever.And never have more than what you can handle, especially if you couldn't 100% trust everyone around to look after you. And that while you might feel better or happy with it, there's hangovers but more importantly the feelings you wanted to blot out will still be there.
Even in my 40s I find I can't have a wee whisky if there's no other adult around, though I can manage a hot toddy without being too uncomfortable. Possibly of most use was the teachers explaining how it's a good idea to plan before a party - what are your limits for drink, how to pace with water or soft drinks, good phrases to use, and also plan what your own limits on your own behaviour would be, eg deciding you would snog that guy given a chance, but would tell him to wait until another time before you're removing any clothing - helps you avoid things you might regret when drunk.

Watered down wine for the first time at 10 here. Then a small Bucks Fizz on special occasions from 13/14. Glass of wine at dinner with family occasions from about 15 ish.

I have found with DDs peer group it is the ones with parents who promoted responsible drinking who have gone off the rails

Good advice Not C regarding planning the party beforehand.

"It's good to teach children to drink responsibly.
My friends who were never allowed to drink or be around alcohol were the ones who went off the rails in 6th form / uni. Those of us who were allowed it in moderation knew our limits and didn't put ourselves in dangerous situations"

I agree it's more about peer pressure - learning to drink moderately with watered down wine st Sunday lunch is nothing like going to s party with friend's where the expectation is to drink a lot. Also genetics - i think some folk are more hardwired than others to want to drink more than they should.

NotCitrus, ime the kids passing round the joint at parties and urging others to have a go are not a separate group from the ones passing round the bottle of vodka: from what I hear from dc it's all part and parcel of party behaviour. Nobody around here seems to find it that difficult to get hold of alcohol from age 15 or thereabouts (what with so many parents being anxious that their teens should drink in a controlled environment= at their friend's birthday party) and so many older friends and siblings happy to supply. But that really doesn't mean they don't find it equally exciting to explore weed and sometimes stronger stuff.

cory I agree they're the same kids indulging in whatever they can get hold of, but it seems that cost and availability of alcohol vs other substances is very different to when I was student age - local shops are paranoid about ID which many 18yos don't have, so if your parents don't drink enough to nick anything off them, it can be hard to access alcohol despite shops every 100 yards selling it. In comparison I haven't been IDd since I had legit ID age 18! (25 years ago)

Neighbour kids cut down on the weed when they realised that was the same drug their parents indulged in, which was obviously hideously uncool and embarrassing. The parents only did so for as long as it took their teenagers to realise that! Well, so they told me. I still smell it occasionally.

I wish I knew more about how to help kids cope with chronic stress - getting pissed, thumping other people, smoking, taking any other drugs, anorexia, self-harm - it's all the same thing really in different clothes, nowadays often becoming a hermit with social or other anxiety. Ds is finding life hard enough age 9...