AIBU to think my son has a shit life with me?

[Prusik]

DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.

He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.

We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.

He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.

He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.

DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.

DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.

He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.

The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).

To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.

I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.

I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.

I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.

Anyway, sorry for the essay.

Well hope you get on ok in the next few days. A lot of women get PND - no shame in talking about it. Let us know how you get on....

There are loads of free things to do if you want to, nearly every church will run a baby and toddler group. They might ask for a donation but they wont mind if you can't pay every week. Go to a few until you find one where you feel at home/ ds has fun. Parks are free, he's old enough for the swing and slide. These were the only activities I did when my ds's were under 3. I met great friends at the toddler groups who helped me make the massive adjustment to mum-life. X x

Remember to focus on your own happiness too prusik. Prioritising activities that make you happy will have a ripple effect that's good for everyone.

For the first time in ages I've woken up and don't ache. It feels so nice to get up and just feel ok!! Ds slept through last night which was a lovely novelty - 6.30-6.30 (with a quick top up feed at 8pm, which is unusual).

I spent yesterday at a friend's house and today will either go swimming or for a walk with a friend. I'm working this evening so we only really have our lunch time awake time to do something.

I'm seeing the midwife tomorrow so I'm going to have a chat to her about how I'm feeling. She's really lovely so it will be helpful

Prusik,
I just want to start by telling you that no one ever warns us about the feelings that follow most of us when having children, I was speaking with friends a few weeks ago about this, the fear that were constantly failing them no matter what we do. The important thing to do right now is come to terms with the fact that you love your son, he has what he needs, and this is the very best you can offer him at the moment and that this is all absolutely fine.

You've been through a very rough time by the sounds of it, and it sounds like it's really taken it's toll.

Do go to the Drs if you can. It sounds like you are really down at the moment.

Wishing you lots of luck x

I saw my midwife today. She was amazing as usual. I told her how I was feeling and she's arranged to see me in 4 weeks - sooner than I'd normally see her. I guess because she wants to keep an eye on me.

I've been referred for consultant care now because Ds was small when he was born so they want to monitor me more closely. That appointment is next month too.

I've just managed to land a client for the next ten days working for two hours in the morning so that'll give me a nice little breather from.ds. I do enjoy working but at least it's only ten days.

Not much more to report really. I think I'm doing ok at the moment. Bought a couple of books from the charity shop - cardboard books. Just trying to hunt for some.less babyish toys now

It actually really worries me how much I wish I wasn't pregnant. 100% going to book a session with my therapist for within the next couple of weeks

Really pleased you are reaching out to people in real life prusik
Is there a toy library near you? They are great for trying out new toys either before you commit to buying or just to have a rotation of different ones

Lovely, your post reads that you are depressed and your circumstances aren't helping.
Talk to your doctor midwife about your feelings and perhaps try for some extra support from a charity like
apni.org/leaflets/post-natal-depression/

We're in a bit of a weird area. It's not a rich area necessarily but the surrounding areas are pretty wealthy and housing is pretty expensive around here. As a consequence it means no children's centres, no toy libraries, no NHS talking therapy provided (well this was certainly the case a few years ago).

Really need to sit down and take to DH about all this but I'm holding a lot of anger towards him lately. I'm not sure how much of it is fair but he's not really right either since closing down his business and he's completely shut off away from all.affection or anything coupley. I feel like I can only really rely on myself lately and that's making me pretty cross. Looking after a baby, being pregnant, studying,. working and looking after the house is a lot to take on with minimal childcare. That being said, he does take the baby in the evenings, does dinner, bath and bed and then cooks.for us. He's also downstairs with Ds now.

I'm just waffling on really. I couldn't sleep last night as I was just randomly so angry. I'm shattered this morning but it's really good to collect my thoughts.

There's a church at the end of my road which has a baby and toddler group running on a Tuesday and Thursday from 10-12. It might be that I can make it on a day that Ds wakes up early from his nap. Or maybe just go for the last part.

Dreading this coming week as I'm working every morning plus two evenings. Roll on Friday!

I know you don't think you're depressed, but I think there's a good chance you are. Took me a long time to realise I was and I've had bad depression before.

My twins were born under really traumatic circumstances and taken away immediately. I didn't see them at all for 7 hours. Both were in nicu, one much sicker than the other. One only ad to stay in for 17 days, the other was in for two months and I had to leave him there alone every night. Then when he finally came home he already had whooping cough, and got sicker until we ended up in HDU together while the other twin was at home. We weren't all home together until they were 3 months old.

I felt so much guilt about our limited time together and my perceived failings as a mother that I became obsessed with pumping - even though I didn't even get half of what one needed, i pumped every two hours for 7 months. They weren't cuddly babies, would grimace when I kissed them. I genuinely thought they hated me and would rather be with the nurses at the hospital who were far better at taking care of them than I was. Then my health, already not good, took a serious turn for the worse and I struggle to even pick them up without a lot of pain. They won't settle if I hold them - they wriggle and squirm and want to be exploring. I see mums with babies napping on them and wonder what I've done wrong.

They are 1 next weekend and just recently they've started coming over to me for cuddles. Last week one crawled over, pulled himself up on me and said "mama mama mama" - I cried for a full half an hour.

Having a poorly baby is incredibly hard and the impact lasts a long time. At the time I just pushed through and didn't think about it, but it has really hit me since. I look at the little twin and realise he could easily not be here and it crushes me. I picture him lying awake in nicu crying all night and me not being there. It crushes me.

Despite everything you're worried about it sounds like your little one is doing brilliantly. I suspect you also may have some fears about going through all that again with a new baby.

I would really recommend a counsellor, particularly one who specialises in maternity counselling if one is available. I saw one while I was pregnant and it was massively helpful.

Well done on the work. I went back when the babies were very young, a few weeks and for many of us it works very well - it's a nice break from the constant demands of babies - fathers feel the same and children don't suffer.

The husband is not doing too badly so I suspect if you just feel a bit bad just don't go off and blame him too much. It is the hardest time for any couple having small babies and you have the second one coming too so just try to be nice to everyone and when it gets too much leave the baby safely in one room and go and hit a pillow.

Does the bathroom really need doing up to be safe? What is wrong with it?

If going to coffee bars is too expensive just don't go. I was working full time so obviously never had that cost - nothing like work to save you m oney of course - win win all the way with work. However surely you can go in and not spend anything? I've done that before. The friends buy stuff and you just say you don't want anything today as you just had tea at home.

I am very very lucky that I like my own company so for me an ideal time out with the baby would be a walk with it in the sling. I suppose as I worked full time that just left the weekends anyway so no need for expensive outings really. I used to go to the library with baby in sling - rushed trip as need to be quiet in there but still totally free particularly if you can walk there.

It sounds like your DH is struggling too but that he does care and is trying - try not to be too hard on him. You've mentioned several things in the last posts which show that he's been thinking of you and DS. I wouldn't be surprised if you're both feeling burned out.

It's a shame about the children's centres, I found them an absolute lifeline. But yes go to the church groups etc and I'm glad you've got some mum friends.

If you have a branch of the NCT locally our one always insisted that although their groups were IMO quite pricey, they'd rather have people attend than stay away because the cost was too high so they ran it on a no questions asked basis (anonymous box for money) and said that anybody who would struggle to afford the cost could pay what they liked or nothing at all. I used to go and I'd give £1 if I could afford it and nothing if I couldn't.

Are you still struggling with excess reliance on screen time? I am prone to this and I find blocking out the day helps. I can explain more if you want.

8 months is quite a hard and frustrating age as they definitely want to be older than they are, at least DS did. It became easier once he could do more of the things he wanted to do. I also started baby signing with him about that age (you don't have to go to a class) and it really helped both with the frustration of him wanting to be bigger but also because it was something new and novelty to do with him.

Tammy, what a lovely message. Sounds like your twins are doing amazingly. I'm pretty sure now that I am suffering from a touch of depression but I've been much worse before and with the help of my therapist, managed to sort myself out. I will get back to her very soon, she's expecting me to book a session as we've been in contact via text.

The bathroom is awful. The toilet leaks and the flush is breaking, we have broken tiles, no bath panel, broken floorboards. We already have the bath (bought it like 2 years ago), the toilet, the taps/shower. We basically need the sink, tiles and wood to build the units.

Bertie, I'd be really useful to hear more about blocking the day, thankyou. Even though I'm dreading this week being busier, I think it'll be better for me. Screen time isn't good for me. I spend too much time on MN and count down till nap time so I can just crash out on the laptop.

Luckily DS quite likes being 8 months. He didn't like being 7 months! He's happy being able to crawl and cruise and just yesterday he climbed the stairs from top to bottom!

Baby sign is the one class that I do. I really enjoy it and he regularly uses about 6 signs. We've had a break over the summer though unfortnately and I've missed it.

You're right though, DH is trying his best. Although his best is practically helpful, he's pretty emotionally shit at the moment. He even admits that. We'll get there. We might go to a couple of sessions with my therapist together. We had some sessions before we got married, when we lost our first baby, they were amazing - it's really productive having sessions before any problems or potential issues become a real problem.

I'd better get off MN and do some studying while DS is asleep!

I've just had a really lovely hour or so walking with Ds to the local supermarket. We looked at the clothes and bought a punnet of raspberries to eat on the way home. DH is working on stair gates and rubbish like that. Plus while Ds was napping I managed to nail my progress test for my studying with 98% so I'm feeling pretty relieved about that.

Ds is happily munching away on his lunch and will probably be back to bed by about 1.00. I have a friend and her baby and partner popping in about then for coffee too. Ds will miss out but it'll be nice for me

My twins are doing great, thank you - one has an ongoing illness which requires a lot of management and monitoring but he's far better off than most of the kids with it so I thank my lucky stars for that. All round it has been the hardest year of my life (up against some stiff competition!) and I can't imagine being pregnant while dealing with all this so it sounds like you're doing very well to me! I've found it's getting much more rewarding now that they're becoming actual little people and not just screaming poop factories! X

OK so by blocking out the day, what I mean is that I designate blocks of time which are "free" and blocks which are "productive".

During the productive times I can do whatever I like but it has to be something that I can justify to myself as worthwhile. Whether it's housework, spending time with DS, running errands, planning stuff, batch cooking, checking email - it doesn't much matter as long as I can justify it to myself. Then during the free times, I can do as much mindless facebook, mobile games, TV, whatever, as I want. It can be an even split - it doesn't have to be 80% productive, 20% fun, as the goal is to increase the current productive time, which before I started doing that was probably 80/20 the other way or less. It helps because I can focus more knowing "I'll be allowed to go on facebook later" and it also means that the times I designate as free are much more relaxing and refreshing because it's guilt free, rather than feeling like I'm on stolen time. You can also do this in what they call pomodoro sessions - 25 minutes work and then a 5 minute break. That doesn't really work for me I've found because I'm not at all motivated by the idea of a break which is only 5 minutes long, I'd much rather work for longer and then relax for longer too.

When DS was about 1 I did this a bit differently and had it like a routine structured around his meal, snack and sleep times. I was lucky to have a children's centre near me but I reckon you could do it without. So we'd get up in the morning and have a bit of breakfast and we'd go to a children's centre group which ran 4 days a week. They would do a fruit snack there and it finished at 11 so on the way home I'd pop to the supermarket over the road for any small bits and then we'd go home. He'd fall asleep on the way back, I'd leave him in the pram and enjoy a bit of quiet time just for me. When he woke up we'd have lunch and the afternoons were usually to spend at home on a combination of jobs/playing though in reality I probably did go on the computer a bit much, as I hadn't worked out the chunking trick then. I knew at 4.30 I had to start making dinner if he was going to eat before he got too tired, aimed for him to eat around 5ish, and from then it was just a steady roll on to bedtime which always helps.

On the fourth day when the children's centre group wasn't on I'd go to the library, look around town or go to the park or try and meet up with people. It was just about keeping the routine of getting out and I found it really helped. So at that time instead of splitting into productive/relaxing I split it into at home/out of the house and the structures were based around his meals.

Tammy, I'm glad to hear they're both doing well. It's so hard with a sick baby. DS has minor health issues, nothing in comparison to what you've gone through by the sounds of it. It's tough.

Bertie, that's awesome, thank you. I think it sounds like a good plan. It's actually been really nice for me having work in the mornings this week as it gives me a real focus to get things sorted and organised. This morning, I'm dressed, kitchen is tidy after ds had his breakfast, his bag is packed for the childminder this morning, etc. I'm just sat down having something to eat while he moves around beats the shit out of in his cot for his nap and as soon as he goes quiet I might start some studying. Yesterday was really good, I cooked dinner while DS was having breakfast so the evening was really leisurely. It's really helping me to have a plan every day - today we'll walk to the supermarket to buy some veg for dinner.

On another plus note, DH has a really good therapy session yesterday. A massive breakthrough, I think. We had a long chat last night and he says I have to go with him next week. I feel so fortunate to have a husband who is willing to work on himself and is able to be emotionally aware (at times).

DH has a day off today but has to go and work to sort some of the issues with his business. I'm hoping that'll all be resolved within a few weeks which will be a massive load off our minds.

We also have my 20 week scan on Friday so hopefully that'll go ok.

I really think we're both starting to pull through the tough times. We're not out of the other side yet but we're getting there.

I figure it's about time to check in again. I don't know how it's possible to catch so many bugs! I've got a stinking cold and feel rotten.

DS has slept through two out of the last three nights which has been just amazing but as been a bit restless so I haven't had a full nights sleep. I'm beginning to not toss and turn for hours though so that's a bonus.

Beginning to think about baby names. I was having a group chat text with my friends about our previous pregnancies and for the first time I felt a little bit of excitement, which was lovely. I have my 20 week scan Friday and am convinced I'm having a girl.

Other than that, DH and I are going to go and see the therapist together on Monday. He came home and announced that we were going together to discuss some things. He told me something that he shared in therapy and it just made my heart break for him. I burst into tears on the spot.

So I guess overall ok but still not ok. It's a little progress I guess

So we're having another little boy! I'm finally excited about this pregnacy!!! I'm over the moon. Two boys 13 months apart. It's going to be a mad house

Your baby loves you. You are his world. Even if you feel bad, you are all he wants. Don't forget that. xxx

I'm going to a church playgroup today. Apparently they have a waiting list but I'm welcome to go and try it today for free and to put my name down. I'm really quite nervous. Not so much about the people, more about getting there. Which is silly as it's just at the end of the road.

We've had a rough couple of days but it looks like DS has cut his first tooth. I can feel something sharp on the gum.

Trying so hard to stay busy and upbeat. Probably more a case of 'fake it till you make it'

I'm going to book an appointment with my GP today

So the GP did an urgent referral for the community mental health team and I have an assessment appointment on Friday. Now to find childcare

Well done!

Did you make it to the church group? The one I used when my dc were little was a lifesaver! if you explain your circumstances, they might allow you to jump up the waiting list - I know that was something that occasionally happened at the group I attended.
With ds1 I found something to do everyday, I used to get him weighed weekly just to have a conversation and make small talk in the queue! The local library for story and rhyme, Childrens centre, a walk to the shops for a mooch etc.

So another boy! It will make life so much easier in the long run, especially with the age gap. I have 2 DS 18 months apart. I was devasted when I found out I was pregnant so soon. I thought I'd betrayed ds1 and ruined his little life. I panicked about how I was going to cope. But I did, you just do! I then felt so awfully guilty for feeling like that, because ds1 was so wanted and we'd been trying for a long time.

I love being mum to boys! They do keep you on your toes! You won't have to worry about being glued to your gadgets because you will be out and about, down the park in all weathers! I have discovered just about every green space within 40min drive from here lol! Small children don't need lots of money spent on activities just an adult to engage with them.

It sounds like you've got the ball rolling now, just take one day at a time, "this too shall pass!"