AIBU to think my son has a shit life with me?

[Prusik]

DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.

He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.

We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.

He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.

He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.

DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.

DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.

He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.

The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).

To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.

I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.

I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.

I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.

Anyway, sorry for the essay.

Bless you, no wonder you're exhausted being pregnant again so soon. Just to reassure you, all that is totally normal - the napping 2x2hr is textbook in fact! And little ones don't need softplay (it's a very recent thing), esp at so young an age, and definitely don't need swimming lessons. Please don't feel pressured to waste money entertaining him - he just wants the basics (sustenance, shelter, warmth), and your love. Take it easy and take care of yourself.

Pru another thing that helped massively was using QuidCo for cash back on anything we needed to buy anyway. And either Tesco Clubcard or Sainsburys Nectar. Our local is a Sainsburys and we save up the points all year for Christmas (and January).

I don't want to sound like a walking cliche but what I'm about to say is true. It's rubbish that you can't afford the "fun" of soft play and swimming very often but my parents also had little money when I was growing up. I was only talking to my Mum about my childhood this weekend. My happiest memories? Sitting on a blanket in the garden having picnic lunch on the lawn (toast toppers). Mum teaching me to tie a tie on my teddy in preparation for school. Dad doing (rubbish) magic tricks. Baking. Egg and soldiers for Sunday tea after our baths but before watching Bullseye. Chocolate or chippy for a treat. Most of all, feeling utterly loved and safe.

(strawberri Toast Toppers! Weirdly that triggers v happy childhood memories for me too. Simple pleasures...)

He's snoozing away now. I think I'll heed some advice and get dressed and when he wakes I'll pop to the library with him. I'll check the times for the sessions they have - I think the story time got cancelled but they still do rhyme time on a Friday. I hope it doesn't clash with naps! Naps are normally 9-11 and 1-3 so that pretty much clashes with everything!

Do you think popping to the library will be ok? He hasn't been sick for over 24 hours now

You are all being so kind, thank you. I just feel guilty that I'm not even doing the free stuff with DS.

just echoing what others have said. I'm expecting my first and sometimes get stressed about all the stuff/activities they seem to need. The other day in my local park I saw a mum with a little boy who must be a similar age to yours. They were sitting on a picnic blanket and she'd brought him lots of bits to play with - a few conkers, sticks, rocks, crunchy leaves etc, and was narrating what he was doing - "Oh, those leaves are crunchy, aren't they" and so on. Both totally into what they were doing. It was lovely to see.

I would try and get one nap a day in the buggy if you can, definitely. That literally saved my life. And try and get as much adult company as you can, without spending money. Good luck, you sound like a lovely person and a great mother.

Pinkdelight as does your name. I loved making Angel Delight and Blancmange with Mum too!

I reckon babies find going for coffee so boring! They can't crawl round and are usually just strapped in the buggy or highchair - this is for the mums!

Babies just need care, love and attention. They don't need new things, just clean functional things. However they do need a happy mum so please try and talk to someone to get you out of this dark hole. HTH

Look into soft plays near you as £6.95 is rediculous it won't be that price for under 1's they are usually free or only a pound or 2 at the most up to the age of 1 or 18 months at least! No way will it be over a fiver for an under 1 you will have misunderstood shop around online for Ines within travelling distance to you.. softplay is a great cheap trip out with a cruiser/crawler or toddler as it's cheap entry then usually mega cheap half decent basic food in there for lunch! Me and DS meet 2 friends with their little ones (all 13 months) at one near us most weeks and for £10 me and DS get entry and lunch each plus a coffee for me (DS has his own water brought from home in an insulated sippee cup)

Yes, fine to go to the library. Ours has a lovely area where you can sit and read books to the children, as well as the usual rhyme times and storytimes. Don't worry about softplay - a lot of parents find it a sort of hell on earth anyway. Your DC will be happy toddling round a park or if you want a change, can you get to a garden centre, preferably one with a pets section?

Ages ago there was a thread here about people's happiest childhood memories. They were virtually all simple things - picnics, baking, playing simple games, being with family. Your DC will remember being loved, warm and safe. He won't remember softplay or if your "holiday" is a trip to the Bahamas or a day at the park.

Don't feel guilty, and look after yourself.

Ooh yes, that's the sort of nature thing both mine loved. I have two budding naturalists now.

Texture things too are cheap: shaving foam in a bowl (I got a huge cat litter tray that was fab) or cornflakes or even tinned spaghetti if you're brave. Let them play in it on a messy mat.

I've got a games with toddlers book here which is fabulous (& all free!) you can have if you want? Mine are both at school now sobs

PM me and I can pop it in the post for you

Firstly can I say you sound like a great mum!

After my first child we didn't have a lot of money, my husband was made redundant and decided on a career change starting at the bottom which meant he was pretty much on minimum wage, and I was on maternity. I was lucky in that I was given a lot of 2nd hand clothes, buggy etc and family helped out with things that I needed new (car seat) but things were really tight so I know where you are coming from.

Do you have a sure start centre near you? They do stay and play sessions for free. Ours also had external people doing their own sessions sometimes so I did a sensory class which was £2 drop in (rather than the one you had to sign up to for a term which was around £8 a session!) I prefer drop in classes as if baby is tired that day or not well I wouldn't feel like i wasted money. Also 2nd finding local mother and baby groups - lots of churches around where I am tend to put them on but they are not religious (if you didn't want that).

Good luck and

Morning OP I hope you are well, it made me feel so sad reading this - Perhaps I can give you some money so you could take him on a nice day out? Feel free to PM me

All the babies I see in coffee shops are crying. What's to like in a coffee shop when you're 8 months old? He wants to be practising his cruising in a safe place then he'll be happy as Larry.
You sound like a brilliant mum. Love is the most important thing and you love him very much.
Do not underestimate the sheer exhaustion of pregnancy also. I think I would have cried all day every day if I were pregnant with an 8-month old. Give yourself plenty of breaks and put your feet up while he is napping. Then just let him cruise around and watch you doing things

Look my DD went to nursery and it was the same old routine every day. They didn't even go out! They have pretty basic needs at that age - eat, sleep, be cuddled, a little bit of play (at home is fine!).

Once your LO reaches 1 or 18 months do have a look on Pinterest for ideas of no-cost activities. It's only from around 3 that they need to socialise with other children. Swimming is a waste of time at this age (and actually until quite a bit older).

As others have said it is you that has the shit life at the moment. Please make sure that you factor a treat for yourself into every day - something that you really enjoy even if it's totally free. Have a nice cup of tea while listening to your favourite music. Give yourself a 10 minute manicure. Watch something you really enjoy. Go for a walk to a favourite spot. Sit down with a magazine. A nice bath when your LO is napping. etc.

You obviously love him, you've even asked us vipers for advice! I took my dd to church toddler groups which were free for some play - plus I got a free tea and biscuits, most libraries do a free story time which is nice too. Be kind to yourself, you say he is happy and cheerful so you are doing great. All parents feel they guilty and that they are not doing enough - you are not alone.

Your son has an absolutely wonderful life.
What concerns me more is your life. Do you have friends? Do you get enough rest, enough interesting things to do?
You are a hero doing what you are doing. your son has, I repeat, a wonderful life.

I never took my babies to soft play. Frantic, germ fests. Ugh.

Have you got a local children's centre/sure start centre? They can help you sometimes with advice, including benefits etc.

Some local church baby and toddler groups are really great. And although baby probably doesn't care what you do, it might make you feel better.

Or with your timings, perhaps a one o'clock club in a local park?

He has a family who love him - sounds like you are doing a brilliant job! Please don't be hard on yourself!

Not sure where you are but have a look on facebook or internet generally and you might find quite a few free things to go to. Round here there are free buggy walking groups and storytime at the library, and lots of mum and baby / toddler groups that are only a pound or two for the session. Could you meet your friends at that type of stuff rather than out for coffee?

Another thing to remember is that while his naps are at the activity times now they will change and whilst he's napping you can have a change of scene.

The brilliant thing about babies is they don't remember. I had a rough start with ds and he's fine. It was very different with dd and really quite cathartic. We were very short of funds for DS's first Christmas. I still have the £2.99 book and 3.99 books he got that yr. He's 22 now and doesn't remember anything before his sister was born.

I would echo what a PP has said, most churches have mums and tots groups and they're great for getting to know other mums with babies and there's plenty of time to chat over a cuppa. They usually cost about £1 / £1:50 and you put the money in a pot as and when you can affect it.

Such places will be really great when DC2 comes along and you have an active toddler to entertain as well as a young baby.

Gah it's so frustrating. I just rang a local children's centre and apparently it's only "family support service" these days. No places to drop in. She said check google - all the children's centre info seems to be out of date.

I'm actually going to go an sit in the library and look at books with DS. Normally we just pick up books and go. I think I need to start doing more of this. I guess I never really thought about staying before

@MuncheysMummy I'm sure I'm not going crazy! www.activetots.org/index.php/opening-hours-prices
That being said, I do think there are a couple of cheaper ones nearby, just not so designed for little ones.

I've had a couple of offers of books/toys, etc. Thank you so much. I have all of my childhood books in the loft and living room. Also I bought millions of toys off my friend for £20 so DS has more toys than he can even play with already!

Just echoing others' suggestions of free baby activities. See if it helps to get out a little. Not much you can do about the shit year, but breaking up the day, having something to anticipate and get ready for might be good for your mood?

In addition to libraries and children centres many churches offer baby stay + play groups. No need to be religious. I dropped in at 3 different ones when mine was a baby and only one had a little bible story and sing song in the middle of the morning (which I rather liked).

Good luck OP, it's so easy to get into a funk when taking care of tiny ones 24/7.