AIBU to think my son has a shit life with me?

[Prusik]

DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.

He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.

We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.

He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.

He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.

DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.

DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.

He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.

The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).

To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.

I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.

I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.

I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.

Anyway, sorry for the essay.

He was only in scbu for 36 hours from 3-4 days old. I was left upstairs on postnatal. At seven days he was discharged but we were back in when he was 8 days as his oxygen levels were low. By that time he was on children's ward so I did days and dh did nights. I hope i didn't mislead anyone, sorry

With the buggy nap, I pop mine in, lay it back, give them their comforter, put a blanket or shade over it and she goes to sleep. It takes a while because usually she is too interested so a lot of the time I park her up facing a wall while I have a sit on the grass or bench. I find it a faff and would rather she napped at home but if your baby is applying lots you will have so much freedom if you can get them to sleep in a buggy! My 2year old still has a 2hour nap so it is worth getting them used to the buggy.

Op can you contact homestart and see if you can get a volunteer to help. I had a great one, made life so much better to have that support.

Try local sure start centre, or church baby groups, normally just a pound a time. Libary sing along groups are free, and often libraries have colouring in at the kids section so you could arrange to meet friends there. Or in a picnic in the park. Look at other free activities in your area, ours have free museums and art galleries and kids classes or activities at them along with extra summer events.

Don't beat yourself up. I have 3older kids and still sometimes just surviving the day is enough. Sometimes we read 20books a day, sometimes we go 20days without reading a book.

I really don't know if I'm vulnerable enough for homestart. I feel like I'd be taking away from a family in need.

I had a lovely time playing with DS earlier considering we couldn't get out. He's such a sweetheart. He learnt to give big smoochy kisses at about 4 months old and obviously knew that I needed them today.

He's also had two really massive naps, the first was about 2.5 hours and he's only just waking from his second now. He must know that I've needed time to pull myself together

I never realised until my mum told me when I was in your place, but we were utterly destitute when I was young. Until I was about... I don't know, 13 or so, I basically had NO opportunities, no new things, almost nothing of my very own, and basically zero paid outside activities. Still, I have nothing but joyful memories of a fulfilled childhood!

And everybody else I know who is my age was just the same. Young parents of young children usually don't have anything! Luckily, you don't really need anything, either!

Children - especially very young children - don't need expensive things, new toys, fancy activities, or anything like that. All they need is you; they don't even understand the difference between new and not for years. There are plenty of public/free ways to entertain kids and enrich their lives, but just your love and interaction is plenty at such a young age.

You are doing GREAT. You really are. I know that doesn't help your feelings of isolation and missing out on things your friends may be doing (and there is loads of great advice here already), but I assure you, your son has a HAPPY and FULFILLED LIFE.

He's probably sleeping the sickness off
Oh not sure if you have one near you but pets at home is a great place to go and look at fish and animals for free!!

You would be welcome to come round and play anytime! Perhaps being back at work may help. Certainly some of the stress about money etc

He's always a champion napper but today has been epic, even for him!

He sounds so loved! You're feeling very low and it's no wonder what with all that's been going on, but he is having a great start in life by having a mum that loves him so fiercely. As pp have said, library, children's centre, maybe make some play doh, some nice walks to look for birds and squirrels, feeding the ducks, eBay or charity shop for some toys, or a boot sale. If you get time, go into your local job centre and use the phone to call tax credits helpline. Seek out as much info as you can re benefits as it seems you are missing out unnecessarily. Unless there's some other reason, then in your current circumstances you are entitled to family tax credits.

He sounds like a little sweetheart 😴

I can remember my mum (this was when I was already an adult) telling me how guilty she felt that we didn't have money to do much when I was young. I was completely baffled - I really really can't remember being poor at all, and I never felt that deprived (to be fair I also don't think we were genuinely poor - we weren't starving and had shelter etc). Incidentally you can create your own soft play by pulling all the sofa cushions onto the floor and creating a baby assault course. Quite fun for the baby (although not at all necessary) but I found it quite amusing when bored as well...

Im going to call the tax credits people today. I really can't understand why we were rejected. Even based on last year's income we should be entitled. DH got his pay slip through the post yesterday. His first one in this job and my god, it's dire. It won't even cover our mortgage and loan payment.

The little monster is currently sat enjoying some eggy bread. Which is a fail in itself as we're avoiding wheat/gluten due to his health issues but he's loving it and I'm relieved to be able to give him breakfast early as it means there are will be more time before nap!

I'm aching and tired this morning and my night was full of dreams. If I can get my car started today we'll get out and about later

OP try to stop listing so called failings to yourself. I know it's easy for me to say it but you don't deserve to be chipped away at like that.

Also agree that you should explore the possibility of counselling or at least tell your GP how you are feeling. You went through a lot with the birth and you deserve to sort through your feelings and if possible leave it in the past.

Your son will not remember how much money you spent on him. He really really will not. He wants you and his Dad and your time and attention.

I know a little boy who's favourite activity is going to the train station to wave at the trains (you would need one where you can access the platform for free). When the driver waves back it makes his day.

Thank you all so much for your support yesterday. I rang the tax credits people this morning. Apparently they didn't add DS to the claim!! I bloody rang them in APRIL and discussed with the lady how many weeks maternity leave I'd taken in 16-17. I said to them I presume they'd backdate to when I initially submitted my claim in October but apparently they will only backdate 31 days!

Anyway, it's sorted and at least we'll be getting some support! That's a relief!

pru what a cock up! Pah. I'm so pleased you'll be getting some support now.

We're going to put in a complaint as we've been entitled to support since Jan! No wonder the credit card balance has been increasing!!

Anyway, all my troubles don't boil down to money. I still need to pull my socks up and start doing more with Ds.

I've just had a go at dh about his lack of interest in us and tried to tell him how much I'm struggling but he's as much use as a chocolate teapot. He's such a devoted dad but just crashes out in the evening after Ds has gone to bed and we've finished tidying up

It sounds like it has been a tumultuous time for both you and husband - but it sounds like you're both still getting out of bed and getting on with it. So not easy but giving up isn't much of an option either. Your little baby will be very happy, they don't need stuff - and frankly we never enjoyed soft play too much because I had to climb in and do everything too (no fun when up the duff).

My 2 pennies worth would be:

• try to read something to him every day - even if it's just one poxy little book with 10 words in it - it's a good habit to get into if you can
• don't spend the money on the bathroom. Keep the door shut and don't let the kids play in there. If money is really tight then this is not required right now.

Sending you some good vibes

Echoing the suggestion that you come clean with your friends. You've had a really rough trot and you need their help to come up with ideas for get-togethers that are free and preferably at your house. It won't last forever, this is a good time to lean on them.

Your little boy is 100% fine, it's YOU that needs looking after. Your DH is too burnt out to do it (understandable) so your friends need to rally round.

Please consider telling them everything you've said here. You sound lovely and if you said something like this to me in person I wouldn't pity you or judge you, it would melt my heart.

What about the children's library? They often have free singing and reading sessions.

They have the toy library where you can borrow toys and some library's have toys to play with and also you can take out the books or read them there with DS.

All babies need on a basic Level is love and your giving him that.

DH is back at work for the first time in a week today. Who knew tummy bugs could be so bad? He's 10lb lighter (didn't even have an ounce of fat to start with) and exhausted but will drag his backside in.

I'm going to meet a friend for coffee after morning nap. He has a gift voucher so it's his treat. Then the plan is I'm going to go into town and do some laps of the park until Ds falls.asleep, study in the park and then need to pop to primark and get him a pair of trousers. we also have a library in town for after he wakes

I guess I just really hope he gets a decent length nap when out because he needs at least 90 minutes to function.

Plans might change as I just ache this morning but at least I have a plan

All the other advice here is spot-on but on the less important side, I thought I'd write down ideas for things to do if it helps:

• Library sing-a-long - FREE
• Church parent-and-child groups: you can do a circuit of every denomination where I live as they are open to all. Usually £1/week to cover coffee and kids' biscuits.

Getting out of the house was so important for me too although I was lucky I didn't have your money concerns.

I haven't rtft so some of this will have alrwdy been suggested but here's my 2p worth:
See your gp or hv about pnd. I had the same feelings as you and that's what it was. It's really hard.
Look for free things. Ask your hv. Check the local library. I went to local toddler groups and story times at the library as well as the park and supermarket.

Forget stuff that costs money. Tiny ones don't need swimming lessons so don't worry about cancelling. Mine didn't start swimming lessons til they were 3 and even that seems a bit early now.
Please please try to accept that the main thing you can givr your babies is some time with you. That will give them balance and roots in their lives more than anything else.

Just what worriedM0m said really!

If you've got access to a smartphone try downloading the hoop app - it has local listings for things to do with kids.

Someone said about reading to him. That's made me cry even more. I don't even read to DS any more. Poor kid

Oh that is sad but understandable if you are depressed -which sounds more than likely. Please get this sorted for your and your family's sake.

I think most libraries have toddler groups. Ours certainly does, I can hear them having fun! Whilst you are there look for some fun books you can read toyour son. Maybe some with a few characters in them and put on silly voices when you read to him. There is a tendency when one is depressed to sound 'flat'. But if you get involved with the story, you will both enjoy it and it won't be such a chore.

Do you have a green space/park near you. That will be free and you might meet up with others and a great friendship emerge for you and your son. He sounds a happy chappie so no worries there but do try to engage with him more. Perhaps find nursery/kid friendly songs -google them and sing along to them.