AIBU to think my son has a shit life with me?

[Prusik]

DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.

He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.

We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.

He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.

He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.

DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.

DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.

He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.

The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).

To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.

I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.

I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.

I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.

Anyway, sorry for the essay.

Id avoid soft play. Only results in a sick baby. My dd is 1 year and has done mostly free stuff...park, friends houses, library, children centres. Hes 8. Months all he needs is you. My ddmostly has second hand toys. She doesnt care. See gp as you sound low, look up children centres. You being a great mum as your ds just needs you. And make some new friends x

Oh my love. What a shitty time you've had

Soft play is awful. I took DS when he started crawling, in a fit of enthusiasm, and he immediately came down with hand foot and mouth, followed by a series of hideous colds. And I caught hand foot and mouth off him, and all in all it was awful! Home soft play (sofa cushions, duvet and pillows on the floor is much better.

If you have a floaty scarf (if not you should be able to pick one up in a charity shop for pennies), put some music on and waft it around. DS loves it.

We've had the radio on this morning. Something I never do as too much sound really raises my stress levels (never have the TV on either - no tv license). I'm learning that Ds has an awful singing voice but apparently loves to sing along to the radio! Mega cute.

I'm exhausted. The effort is really hard even though it's not actually strenuous stuff that I'm doing. I guess I have to fake it till I make it.

I've got hoop on my phone, thank you. It's a shame that our area doesn't have any children's centres any more because I think that's what I really need. Looks like we do have the church groups, etc. They're all on nap time though so I think I'm going to have to go solo for a while.

I'm very lucky that I have some lovely new friends who all have babies and although they don't seem to be struggling, they are there if I need them

It sounds like you have PND. What your son needs most in the world is a loving mum, which you are.

Life with a new baby is tough, particularly when they have a few issues to sort out.

Hang on in there - it gets better, and do ask your doc or midwife or nurse about PND.

You say you don't read "any more" but tbh 7 or 8 months is a great time to start! Before then it's more sensory, patting pages etc.

Soft plays are germ pits and baby swimming lessons a waste of time.

You're doing everything right so please don't worry about your son having a terrible life. He's having a safe loving life and clearly is content if he's napping so beautifully.

I agree it's your anxiety and trauma from the birth which perhaps could use some support. Do talk to your HV about that. Sometimes trauma takes a while to show it's face. You've been through so much and you deserve happiness.

You need some company, it would really help. How about something like this?
I just googled free mum and toddler groups. There are lots of them, usually run by churches.

I don't have much advice on the financial side of things but wanted to comment to say that having two children so close together is such a wonderful thing. There is 13 months between my two and they are the best of friends and entertain each other all day. Seeing the bond they have is amazing and it's great that they have each other and like the same things. It can be quite full on for the first few months and we were also tight for money, I used to get out of the house every day ..... a long walk to the park. And they would both normally fall asleep on the way home. Routine is key when having two so close and to make sure you get time to yourself. Just make sure you are in the right mind frame, all those children need is love and it sounds like you are doing a great job

Yes, I agree! My sister and I are 18 months apart. It may have been hard for my mum but lovely for us as kids and now adults.

At this age, you really don't need to spend a lot of money on activities, toddler groups are usually cheap, sometimes even free. Libraries often do rhyme time sessions.

Your ds is mega lucky! No boring coffee shop sessions (my kids would be well jel) and no germpit soft play. Not to mention a sibling on the way, literally the best fun a child can have (when they're a bit bigger anyway).
Time will change everything OP. I'm just two or three months your LO will change his nap routine and you can go to some of the groups. That will make a big difference. The time goes fast in the end! Baby 2 will be a lot more portable (younger sibs just tend to fit in around everything else anyway) so get out there and do some fun free stuff. Ps if you were my friend I'd be delighted you were offering to host every time!

I think babies of that age are just happy pottering where ever you go - everything is exciting for the first few years. We used to go to the library story times a bit has they are free. My son is one and never been to soft play. I hate them actually and would rather he went to the park. Please don't feel bad about the pregnany. I had three under three, the 3rd pregnancy was unplanned when my 2nd baby was 8 months and I can say that a sibling is a wonderful thing for your son. He won't have memories without his sister/brother. Every Christmas, birthday, Easter, summer holiday he will have a playmate, someone to grow up with, someone to share childhood memories and his life - for life. That is priceless. Nothing to regret - yes, sure you are strapped for cash now but that might not always be the case when your partner gets better work or another business started. Things can happen, good things, just around the corner. If you go to your local children's centre they should have info on free groups and things and also give you information on where you can get help with getting a cot/double pram etc... it will be ok xx

Thank you all for your lovely words. I'm currently sat in the sun in the park and keep having to move my blanket into the shade because it's so hot! I've been here for ages and ds has been asleep for 1h45m so far. I've managed to do some studying and have chilled out browsing mn on my phone.

A friend did treat me to Costa today and ds was generally everywhere. It's no good for him anyway as he's too restricted. He didn't like my blueberry muffin and spent half his time clambering over me. Why do none of my friends 8 month old babies act like this? It's like he wants to be a toddler but isn't quite strong enough yet!

I think we'll still pop to the library before we head home. Pretty much just waiting for Ds to wake. Should be in the next half hour or so.

I'm feeling more positive today. Thank you all so much for the gentle.kick up the arse. I'm already spending more time interacting with Ds and it's beginning to not feel forced already.

We'll be fine with the cot and he buggy. DH sourced a tatty John Lewis (very nice) cot for Ds and spent some time refurbishing it. As a result we have a beautiful painted solid wood cotbed with oak tops. We've also got cheap furniture that dh is in the middle of refurbishing too. We'll likely do the same for baby number 2. The buggy is more problematic because I'm adamant that I want them both parent facing so my options are pretty limited. I'd quite like the cossatto to and fro duo. Then we'll keep the single.pram.for a bit longer for when only.one baby wants the pram

Honey, you sound (quite reasonably) depressed and also (remarkably) that you are doing brilliantly. You've had a hell of a year. You've grown not one but two babies and fed one. You are working toward a qualification that will help your families future. You are AMAZING!

Does that mean DS has gone to sleep in his buggy for you? That's a whole world of freedom for you right there if he'll do that.

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit brighter today.

He went to sleep beautifully and slept for 2.5 hours until I got bored and started leaving the park. Pushing the buggy woke him but it was about time to wake anyway. He didn't even really fuss, he just had milk in his buggy, played with his elephant and went to sleep.

I fed him his lunch in town and although he didn't eat much, it was fine. We went home via the library. Can't do it every week as it cost £5.50 to park but as a one off it's fine. Mum gave me some money towards my studying so that's helped.

Feels weird that I've been out most of the day. I'm shattered now! DH is planning on cooking tonight though so I'll make the most of that. I can hear Ds upstairs in the bath chatting to DH right now.

I really hope that I can start to pick myself up. I resorted to calling my health visitor a couple of weeks ago and she came for a home visit. I was so worried that I couldn't stop myself spiralling but I think you ladies have helped me to start clawing myself out of this hole. I hope no one minds of I keep posting for a little while longer. It's really helping me keep focused

Post away, very glad to hear you got some sun and fresh air (and a buggy nap!)

Keep posting Prusik. It's a shock to the system, that first year of motherhood, even without all your extra pressures. If it helps, we're here.

Please do keep posting, it's so nice to read your updates! If by some miracle the tax credits ppl give you a lump sum, buy a double pram on eBay and then sell it back on eBay once you're finished. I did this with a bugaboo donkey and made the money back when I eventually sold it - almost like I'd borrowed it and just put a deposit down. Get as comfortable to push pram as you can afford, as having tiny babies in a difficult to push pram might make it less appealing to getting up and out. You need something with good swivel wheels and good suspension. Soak every bit of fresh air you can, it's free and is clearly doing you so much good. Find some free activities to do in the winter, try them out now so you feel comfortable when you go with the two of them. Keep on keeping on, you're doing better than you think you are

You are a good mum because you said the only thing that really matters. 'I love ds with all my heart.' Things will get better and you will be just as good a mum to dc2. Children don't need all the expensive extras. Remember that 50 years ago these things didn't even exist but well loved children like yours were still happy. Take care and be kinder to yourself.

We had a rough night last night. Ds was pretty much up crying from 3.30-5.30. dh wasn't impressed to say the least because he's absolutely shattered from being so ill. The day started for Ds at 6.15 which is very unusual but he had tonnes of breakfast - I tried him with porridge fingers and he loved them (and half a banana, half an avocado and five strawberries!!). I'm thanking my lucky stars though, he went for a nap at 8 and 2.5 hours later I'm just waking up and I think I can hear him moving around.

DH is at work till five so I've arranged for a friend to come over for a picnic. We were going to go out but having had such a bad night I chickened out! I would have wanted to dress and pack bags during nap time but sleep took priority this time.

I told dh the other day how I'm feeling and that I need him to help me feel better. He basically said I need to work out what the problem is myself and that I need to be responsible for my feelings. Hes a bugger, he's bloody right!

I complained that our marriage has taken a back seat. I'm really struggling with that as I don't want our marriage to suffer. He was adamant that we're fine but with everything going on it's no surprise our focus is on other things. That being said, I got a voucher for a restaurant from my brother for my birthday so we're going to go for dinner one evening next week. It's a £30 voucher for a chain pub so even with dessert there will be very little to pay.

I feel like I'm rambling. I'm absolutely shattered. I think dh is going to focus on sorting the van tomorrow as he's not working. We really need to prioritise selling that asap. He'll probably take Ds for the afternoon so I can have a break.

Hopefully a day of positivity today!

I think OP, that you sound like a very normal stressed with first baby couple, doing the best you can and getting through it all because you have to. And I mean that in a post way!

There's so much give and take needed in the situation your in now and truly, your ds sounds like a healthy, happy wee boy to me.

Enjoy your meal out 😊

Sorry "positive" NOT post

So the planned picnic did not go well! I wish I had the mental resilience to just shrug it off but that feels hard these days.

We were going to go out but because last night was so rough I suggested a picnic in the garden at mine. DS cried most of the first part of them arriving so I ended up putting him to bed. He woke about 15 minutes before they left but was subdued and tearful. Really not like him.

He had a little play after they left and was much happier with it being just us two but I've put him back to bed for now.

I'm gutted that I tried to plan something nice. I even made some finger foods this morning that he could easily eat for a picnic but it hasn't really worked out.

I know that's how babies roll but this effort is new for me so I am gutted.

Oh that must have been frustrating! But socialising is for your benefit as well as the baby.... Did you enjoy it even if he was asleep for much of it?

Have you ever come across Constance Hall? She's an Australian blogger and really awesome about the whirlwind of newborns and being a mum. Really sweary mind you but compassionate and raw and very real - might be worth a read.

Any luck with seeing the GP yet?

It was nice to see them..mostly it was about having an experience for him though. I'm lucky in that i have no shortage of friends. I sailed through the newborn stage (I have no idea how because we spent most of it in hospital) and managed to make some really good new friends with babies.

I'm going to hold fire and speak to my midwife. I'm seeing her in a week or so (maybe the 6th). I'm desperate to try to sort myself out before going to the GP. I've been prescribed antidepressants before and shouldn't have but stopped taking them cold turkey as they made me feel awful. I was really very ill and had 12 months off work but managed to sort myself without meds