DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.
He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.
We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.
He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.
He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.
DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.
DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.
He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.
The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).
To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.
I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.
I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.
I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.
I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.
Anyway, sorry for the essay.