AIBU to think my son has a shit life with me?

[Prusik]

DS was born poorly and in hospital for three weeks. I refused to see him for 24 out of the 36 hours he was in special care as I was too scared to go down. At one week old I left him for 2 weeks of overnights as I was so tired from 2 hourly observations after having given birth - the next two weeks was hourly observations day and night as he was put on oxygen. I just couldn't handle that level of sleep deprivation. He's bottle fed because of all of this.

He's now 8 months and a happy independent little soul. He's picked up a cows milk allergy from me and his dad (both diagnosed as kids) so that'll probably remain. He has reflux so before that was diagnosed would spend hours and hours screaming in pain.

We are absolutely strapped for cash. he has absolutely nothing new and can't really afford to take him anywhere. There's only so many times you can wonder around the supermarket or go to the park on your own with a 7 month old. Friends are all obsessed with going for coffees or places that cost money. I offer to host as much as I can but after a while that feels like I only want my friends to come here and gets embarassing.

He's spent most of the past 8 weeks poorly with an awful cold, croup and a sickness bug. So even if I wanted to, no one has wanted to meet up with us.

He likes to nap A LOT (2x 2 hours) and gets so upset if he's tired. So with a 2 hour awake time we don't really get to stay anywhere long anyway.

DH has recently closed his business down so is around less but also earning less. This in itself was stressful as we had some issues with the business prior to closing it down. I've just gone back to working evenings.

DS is a crawler and just recently becoming a cruiser. I'd love to take him to soft play but can't really afford the £6.95 that it costs. I really think he'd love it though. We've also just cancelled swimming lessons.

He's just recently started settling himself to sleep and I feel sad that he's independent and doesn't feel he needs me. He likes to play alone. Both DH and I spent too much time on our laptops and phones.

The bathroom currently isn't safe for DS. We're planning on selling a vehicle to fund the refurb and using half for the bathroom and half for a cheaper car (2k on bathroom, 2k on new vehicle).

To make matters worse, I'm also half way through my second pregnancy. I'd dearly love another baby but feel really shit about bringing it into such a rubbish situation. There will be just over a year between the first and second baby.

I love DS with all my heart. He's such a happy and cheerful little boy. He's into everything already (think he's going to be a troublesome toddler!) and I've loved watching him develop and grow. It's basically been since I've been pregnant again that I've been struggling. I don't have many positive feelings towards this second baby and feel so guilty for that.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do. The health visitor did a home visit last week to see how we were doing. That seemed to go ok. She says we're doing well with DS and there's no follow up visit unless I call her to say I need her.

I don't think I'm depressed, I just think the circumstances with DH's business have sent me over the edge.

I just can't help but feel DS would do so much better without me for a Mum, poor bugger.

Anyway, sorry for the essay.

First of all, your son does not have a shit life. He is loved, warm, fed, safe. Things will get better financially and he won't remember any of this. As people have said, babies don't need constant, expensive entertainment, they just need a change of scenery and you. When my kids were toddlers they used to love going to the supermarket! But I echo PP, you DO sound depressed. You have a lot to cope with, you are pregnant again and you haven't really had time to recover from your son's birth. I had PND with my first child and I would have gone insane if I had been pregnant again so soon after her birth. Get yourself to the GP, get some help and tell your DH you are struggling. xx

OP, try not to regret the second pregnancy. Ignore posters who are asking about the second baby, it isn't helpful to a woman who is already pregnant. As you say, you can't go back so try to think practically and positively. Please please go to the doctors as pregnancy hormones could be amplifying all your feelings. Things sound so very tough right now for you and your partner. Can you both have a chat about it? You are both having tough times and it would be good if you could hold on together.

I'm so bonded to him. He's just incredible. He's literally the only good thing in my life at the moment.

I'm desperately trying to get my AAT qualifications before the second baby comes as I'm self employed and although my evening work earns very well, there are quiet times.

I'm going to have a little look for some free/cheap things to do now. I've had no chance really this past couple of months with one illness after the other.

I'm seeing my MW next week. Don't see the point trying for the doctors. It takes a month to get an appointment with them and they're in special measures so it's all locum doctors anyway

@thethoughtfox weirdly your post has made me laugh. He's such an easy baby yet such a difficult baby at the same time. He's certainly not easy going. He likes his routine and the health problems (all minor) have made him very difficult. Yet he is still an easy baby in many ways

Have you tried any baby/toddler groups? All of the churches in my area have them (but you don't have to be Christian and they don't pray or sing Christian songs). My local one costs £1.50 per family, but you only pay if you can afford to (it's just a pot to put money in, no one checks).
Free teas and coffees and biscuits etc, plenty of toys for the kids. If my children were asleep in the buggy when I got there I just drank tea and made friends. It was a life saver for me.

Depending on where you live there is a soft play called Jellybeans which is free for under 2s if that is any help xxx

Free things. Do four a week to give yourself some structure:

Story time at the library and get free books at the same time.
It's autumn so leaf kicking, bonkers and blackberries talk about them and the birds.
Park for a swing and fresh air
Pet shop to look at small furry things
Garden centre with pond section (Free aquarium)
Church - there will be a creche during the service and people will be kind
Make the supermarket fun
I used to go window shopping or for long walks when Mine were asleep
Can you use £10 pcm from your cb to fund one paid for outing a month?
Be kind to yourself
Flask for yr home made coffee on all these little free outings

Go to the Dr, even if it isn't one it sounds like it could be ptsd.

The hard yards will get softer and the money side will ease.

The business going under was sudden. We've had a few legal wranglings and complications to go along with it. It's certainly been interesting

You do sound very strained. Is DHs business wrapped up forever? Is there potential for him to build up another career?

In terms of things to do, DS has been poorly which has limited you a bit lately, but are there any playgroups locally? Your HV will know. Lots are free or just charge £1 or £2 for drinks and biscuits.
Have a look at your local library too. There are often sessions for babies with stories and songs. I bet some of your friends would go along with you, but even if they won't you can go on your own with DS.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing a good job in difficult circumstances.

You sound exhausted, and sometimes it takes this long for exhaustion and birth traumas to catch up with you. Add in the additional financial pressures, and the demands of pregnancy on top of caring for an active baby and it's not surprising that you feel like you're struggling.

Your DS doesn't see that though. His needs for love and his environment are being met. You are being a successful parent even if it feels mind numbing.

Talk to your MWs. DS1 had a difficult birth and in DS2's pregnancy, I ended up leaving a teary answerphone message to them as I had a lot of anxiety and fear surrounding birth. We were able to take positive action to manage this and create a positive labour experience. Whatever it is that you need from the MWs, they can't support it without being aware of it. The HV team may also be helpful for any specific groups that may be helpful for your confidence through places like children's centres.

Oh also, will DS sleep in the buggy for one of his naps? That gives you a bit more freedom.

Firstly, as others have said, I'm thinking you are very low in mood. Could be PND, could be stress and sheer exhaustion, money worries, your partner's well-being etc etc. As a mummy to an 8 month old, you are a huge (huge) success. You have a baby who's needs are being met. So much so that he's a good sleeper and shows signs of contentment. As pp have commented, an 8 month old doesn't need entertainment. He's happy in your company (entertaining comes later). But, it's all pretty shit for you and you display the "I'm not good enough" feelings of a person who is anxious/depressed. Right now, you are supplying everything ds needs.

I remember well the "coffee/softplay meets". It's not for everyone. It wasn't great for me and my baby because he was autistic and though I didn't know it then, he hated the noise/stimulation of it all.

Let us know what your GP says. Get support from your HV. BE TOTALLY HONEST with them so they know how you are.

You sound like you e had a really tough start and it's possible you're depressed and anxious. You're also facing a financial squeeze that's causing totally understandable anxiety

Your son doesn't need fancy soft play, or coffees out, or fancy toys. He needs you. If he has you then he will probably be happy playing with ANYTHING- mine was happily shoving drinks straws into a colander for hours a while back. We took him to the zoo and he just wanted to point at the seagulls. At that age everything is mind glowingly exciting - a day hanging out in the park with mum poking bugs is genuinely a good time.

All the coffee and soft play is for the mums, the babies really don't care. They just want you. Soft play is a vile fluid covered germ pit anyway ;)

To say he'd be better off without you is wrong and also concerning. Please go and see your Gp and talk to them - can I just assure you that every GP in the country sees mums who are exhausted nd stressed and depressed day in day out? From rich to poor as well.

Your son has everything he needs - you need to look after yourself.

If you want to feel that you are doing something with DS then your local library will hold free RhymeTime and Story Time sessions, and you would meet other mums/carers there.
When you go, get him a library card and change his books every time, then you will be more likely to read to him as the books will be new.
Do you still have a sure start/child centre in your area? There are a few left. They hold get together sessions. Churches often have mother and baby groups, it's about 50p for a drink and biscuit. (You don't have to be religious to go)
You do come across as depressed, and I understand that life must be difficult. Have you had a check that you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to? I second what other posters have said, a chat with your midwife, where you are honest about how you feel, seems like a good thing.
Don't worry about the bathroom, it's not so many years ago that people had to bring up children with no indoor facilities, just an outside loo and a wash in the kitchen sink. Whilst I'm not advocating a return to these conditions, don't beat yourself up about it.

You've had a tough time! Be kind to yourself. Your DS sounds happy!

We were skint when DS was a baby. I downloaded Pinterest and started pinning frugal activities, frugal meal plans, frugal baking recipes etc. I loved it! We got by happily in the end. A few things we used to do were:

1. soft play at home. Sofa cushions / pillows / duvets all on the floor for baby to climb on.
2. the baby YouTube videos. I think DS loved the music more than the animations but he was certainly entertained by them.
3. library or charity shop books. We still collect Mr Men books from charity shops. They're usually 20-50p each.
4. pop a big bath towel on the floor. And give DS some super bubbly water. They love the texture! If it spills it'll dry. If it spills on carpet consider it a free carplet cleaning service :)
5. Reflux is awful. We had to get cheap (new) rugs off eBay for £35ish each. They were easier to clean than pukey carpets. And made each room look nicer!
6. Bake! And give DS some flour and oats to poke and play with.
7. Walk. Take a flask of peppermint tea (for you) and some biscuits. We used to walk to the viaduct and watch trains or to the church to listen to the bells.
8. stacking cups. Babies love them!
9. Blow him bubbles. Babies, toddlers and children love bubbles!!
10. Music. Pop on some music and dance whilst cuddling. As they grow up they'll learn to bounce to music and eventually dance to it too.

I hope you start to feel brighter today

I agree with other posters that you sound exhausted and it's no wonder!! Take some time to step back and see how amazing you are, supporting your DH through a difficult time, working evenings, taking care of a baby AND you have the added stress of being pregnant!! I take my hat off to you.

The fact that your DS is cruising at 8 months means he is thriving. if money is tight why not do what I did, buy a travel mug and go for nice long walks with the pushchair, take a coffee in your travel mug. No need for expensive coffee shops, babies aren't fans anyway!

I think you sound really overtired and overwhelmed which is understandable, if I was in your shoes I would talk to my DH so he knows how I'm feeling. Yes his business has gone under but you are important. I've been there before with my DH and I know the stress it can cause but at the end of the day there are more important things than work.

You're doing great

Can't read and run.
You are doing great but I agree with other posters that you do sound depressed and it is no wonder with everything you have gone through. Please talk to your Gp or Midwife or Heath visitor. They will have lots of practical suggestions about help and places and groups to attend that are free or very low cost. They might also be able to tell you if you are entitled to any financial support you aren't already receiving. I have been this low and in your situation with a young baby and one on the way. Something that worked for me was breaking each day down with simple goals. E.g. Today I am going to :
Read one book , walk to park.
Next day : get out to library etc.
Babies need very little but warmth, love and simulation and you are doing those things.
In the past soft play centres etc weren't even available and children grew up just fine.
I wonder if you are finding pressure from looking at social media and seeing all the 'wonderful' things people are doing with their kids. There wasn't social media when I was in this situation but I was constantly comparing myself to others and torturing myself about 'my shortcomings'. I think having social media would have pushed me over the edge. Maybe consider having a break from it? Or rationing yourself to only checking in the evenings etc.
This is a long post and hope it's helpful. You sound like a great mum who is just very very stressed and tired. Reaching out here is the first step but seeking help in RL is the next one. Good luck and remember you are more than enough for your beautiful son.

I had anxiety after DD was born. What @Ontheroses says about structurebis very important.

Also, when my DD was under age of 1 I did what I wanted to do, galleries, walks for my own sanity etc, walked further to shops for me! She seemed to just enjoy being in carrier or buggy or blanket in park, taking in sights etc. So what can you do for you that you would enjoy. Around 18 months ish he'll probably need something more stimulating for him but right now, a couple of toys in a bag and some snacks and you can go most places - will he nap in his buggy? Take a book you like and read in your laptop.

Have a think about what YOU want to do and how you can take DS with you. Structure your day. Find a baby group that sits well with you where you can matter with other mums. I found soft play a ware of money until DD was older.

You also have to tell yourself you're doing a good job. Change that voice in your head. You are worth it, you are doing a good job. You've been through an intense amount of stress and that will take time to come to terms with. But right now, you can take some steps to alleviate it.

A church near where I live has really cheap play sessions that offer a drink and biscuits with the session inc for a pound for as many dc and their carers.

Got any Tesco club card vouchers? They convert to trips out. Plus he is so little everything is exciting. My DS loved playing with the hoover and pots and pans at that age.

I used to make toys for my DS, daft stuff like sock puppets, it was for fun and not necessity. Mine is 16 now The stuff he talks about with the fondest memories are rescuing bugs, and the papier-mâché zoo I made him. I know that's for dc that are older and mines lucky we have never been short of money but that was because we were doing stuff together. That's what makes a family.

Gosh you've had a lot on your plate. Agree with trip to the GP.

I had PND and didn't even have a clue until I went to GP about something unrelated and broke down in tears. Talk to them about how stressed you feel xxx

It's so easy to get drawn into the 'spending money on babies' thing. They don't need these ridiculous classes!

Do loads of free stuff. Rhyme time at the library. Nature walks in the pushchair. Visit local sights that are free. Library days. Maybe a local playgroup once in a while? Many are only £1/2 or so and I know my local village and church ones don't charge mums they know who are struggling financially. It's hopefully somewhere you can find other people to talk to as well. Mine was the saviour of my sanity many a week.

My LO was obsessed with the supermarket and it's fine. They need interaction with you, cuddles, and to be warm and fed. You're doing just fine with baby. He's lucky to have such a caring mum.

You need to make sure you look after yourself too xx

Paying much for swimming at that age is a waste of money, and actually a lot of the water confidence you can do in the bath - just get him used to having a wet face.
Softplay again is a waste really at that age.

I'd recommend Mother and Toddler groups! (cheap). Story time at the library. And getting a "good walk" each day.
And read to your son - and it doesn't have to be children's books - use him to help you revise for your exams - the sound of your voice is as important at this age as what you say.

I would also recommend seeing your GP - you have had a lot happen to you but PND can be helped.

The benefits are a bit of a joke. We were turned down for TC and I don't even know why.

DH doesn't want to go back to the business. He's done it since he was 20 and finished his apprentiship and there's nothing to fall back on. The £8ph is about as good as it will get for now. Although he is looking into some options for after I finish my next maternity leave.

Just had a hunt for baby/toddler groups online. They all seem to be during nap time which is typical. DS very much likes to sleep in his cot for naps which is a bit awkward. I can hear him kicking his cot up there at the minute so he's obviously fighting his nap a little this morning We lowered his cot last night as he pulled himself to standing so I guess it's taking a little getting used to (he's a bugger, he turns 8 months next week and it's pulling to standing already!!)

I'll start getting back to the library. I used to change books every week when he was little as he has a card already.

100% will speak to my midwife next week. She's absolutely amazing. I'm hoping I'll be allowed another home birth. That's pretty much the only thing I'm feeling positive about! I'm very fortunate that DS's birth was just incredible

Your son will be fine, he truly doesn't need cafes and swimming lessons and soft play. I bought up two babies entirely by myself with no disposable income, it's very boring but the kids will be fine. They are older now, but with hindsight it may have done them a favour as they are very easily pleased and appreciate the days out we have.

Your little boy had a difficult start, which was not your fault. Please spend some time coming to terms with that and then enjoy your children. Good luck.

Have a look in charity shops for new toys for him. My Mam isn't short of cash whatsoever but picks up loads of toys from there for her grandkids for pence. They don't care if they're brand new long as they're clean.
Any museums nearby? All ours have free soft play and fill a couple of hours.
Echo what people have said about Children's Centres. If you're feeling nervous about going into a group just ring them and they'll meet you at the door. Surprised your friends want to go to coffee shops, they're so boring for kids.

Honestly I think soft play, swimming lessons etc are things people only do with 1 st babies anyway - they don't benefit the baby at all.

Libraries, the park, cheap/free groups at churches or children's centres. Once he's 3 he can go to nursery. He honestly doesn't need anymore than that, and the vast majority of babies/toddlers don't do lots of expensive activities.

Look after yourself though, you do sound down/depressed and you've had a very tough year.

Library's do free baby sing time seasons
Pretty much every town and village have a weekly mother and toddlers
Group, cost is normally 50p -£1 and there will be toys, others babies to play with, other mums to talk to and a cup if tea and a biscuit.

Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. Now your DH is earning less you may be entitled something

Lots of babies sleep for hours a day at that age, my DD did and was still having a 2 hour nap right up until she started school.