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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

405 replies

MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 00:50

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

OP posts:
OverTheHammer · 29/08/2017 08:13

YANBU OP. I know so you shouldn't have let her get fat as a kid but boohoo! My parents let me eat crap as a kid but once I became an adult I educated myself and ate sensibly.

Once she was an adult she had the opportunity to change her eating habits and chose not to. Therefore it's her own fault and she should deal with the consequences.

I have loose skin but I wouldn't dream of telling my mum she should pay for it because she bought me too many sweets as a kid! Absolutely ridiculous. No way would I pay for her. YANBU.

user838383 · 29/08/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neutrogena · 29/08/2017 08:16

@OverTheHammer

Overeating to the OP's daughter's extent is a mental illness, not just eating crap as a kid.

Would the thinner of OPs kids get money for not getting fat in the first place? As a reward?

user838383 · 29/08/2017 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TDHManchester · 29/08/2017 08:21

Its true that parents have responsibility for their children's eating habits and diet but when does the handover occur? There comes a time when the child or young person can perceive and understand what is around them. To learn, to evolve and develop. When she was a young teen she must have known about fat, unhealthy eating etc.

Everyone thinks that getting under the surgeons knife /having a gastric bypass etc is the big answer. Truly it isnt. Unfortunately fat causes skin to be stretched. Now its quite possible to lose wait ,excercise and pursue a healthier lifestyle and mitigate that stretching and indeed, get close to fit again.

Maybe this should be explored first. Maybe the surgeons knife is just a lazy shortcut? Even so it wont turn the lady into a washboard tummed supemodel. No,it will likely look aweful and with scars. Have you seen those tv programmes?

Either way, i dont think id be paying...more effort needed on her part.

Spam88 · 29/08/2017 08:21

Haven't RTFT. Only you know if you can afford to help out, it would be nice to if you could but if you can't you can't.

However, she's not passing the blame. She was a child, you were the parent, you did let her get fat.

Rachie1973 · 29/08/2017 08:23
  1. I would help if I could. Especially if I had a 40k nest egg.
  1. I would NEVER discuss one of my childrens issues with the others without seeking consent first. It's a gross invasion of privacy.
  1. My children would give the clothes off their backs for each other. They certainly wouldn't resent one being given help when needed.
ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/08/2017 08:25

she got herself into this state

She was 8 you numpty!!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/08/2017 08:25

Not sure about you, but I would not hold and 8 yo responsible for making life decisions that would affect her health into adolescence.

RallyRoundTheFlagBoys · 29/08/2017 08:26

How does a mother "allow" a physcologically based cycle to start? No mother has access to her child's deepest thoughts, fears, feelings. Do you know anything at all about addictive behaviour? How many parents have successfully healed a grown up child addicted to alcohol or heroin? It might start at a younger age but it's essentially the same processes at play. An addict will always find a way to fulfil their addiction. They will steal, lie and sneak, and you can do everything in your power, but you can't stop it completely. Several posters have testified that it was true of them. They've lived it.

Isadora2007 · 29/08/2017 08:26

Stop playing the blame game. You were responsible for her as a child and she was fat. She was responsible for herself as she grew up and she was fat. It's no one persons fault. She is a product of everything in her life- father dying, middle child with very small age gaps between them all, her friends, her school etc
What matters now is she has lost the weight and is asking for support and help. You are in a position to do this to a degree.
In order to treat your children fairly, why don't you split the £40k four ways between you all so you remain having. £10k fall back money that you can add to with your salary and once your mortgage is paid off etc. And the kids all get £10k each. The other two can have theirs when they need it and your middle girl can have hers towards her surgery and she can organise a payment plan for the remaining amount to pay herself.

Neverknowing · 29/08/2017 08:27

I don't know why you've posted this op because you clearly don't want to pay and are not going to despite people saying you should.
Its going to affect her self esteem massively and she's going to see her weight loss as pointless. Especially if she's going to uni she's going to struggle not to put the weight back on anyway and if she feels horrible about her body anyway she will be even more likely to put it back on.
As I said before it's going to affect her self esteem so I would pay for the surgery, uni is hard anyway, it's a massive change and she may well be the girl who stays in and doesn't go on nights out because everyone else is skinny ? I would pay for the surgery personally as I would want my DD to have the best start and support her.

Sparklygiganticpants · 29/08/2017 08:27

For God sake will people just say it...

ALLOWING A CHILD TO BE OBESE IS CHILD ABUSE!!!!

You abused your child now pay up for the consequences of your actions.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 29/08/2017 08:28

I don't think you should lend her the money because it was your fault she got fat OP, I think you should do it because you can and because she will feel soo much better as a result. If you don't want to pay, maybe you could help her find some sensible finance options.

Your DD has worked really hard to conquer her demons, I think she needs this to feel like they are truly behind her.

custardcreamplease · 29/08/2017 08:28

I'm sorry, but you are partly to blame regarding her weight gain. And you do have money in the bank. From what I know, excess skin can be incredibly hard to care for and painful, as well as the emotional/mental side of being a young woman with great aprons of skin

I think you should pay for at least some of it- the tummy tuck for example - on the basis that she will save /take a loan out for the rest.

I'd also look into paying for an initial consultation with a plastic surgeon, which you could attend with your daughter - this would give an idea of what is really needed and what to aim towards financially

Burntcustard · 29/08/2017 08:30

My DN is 8 and very overweight. After a weekend at their house, it was easy to see why - coco pops for breakfast, ice cream before lunch, when she wasn't hungry for a healthy lunch, she was told to clear her plate anyway. Snacks of crisps, biscuits, cakes always available. Her older sister isn't overweight, so her parents think it has nothing to do with them.

Helenluvsrob · 29/08/2017 08:32

Suggest if she stays at target for say 5yrs you'll fund the op ?

I've seen an awful lot of diet - abdominoplasty - regain weight - hate self more as scarred fat stomach now ..... cycles at work.

MrTrebus · 29/08/2017 08:33

YABU

AJPTaylor · 29/08/2017 08:34

I understand you ringfencing that 40k. I really do totally and utterly. That is reasonable in your situation. I have a similar sum and the peace of mind that generates is really important. I understand you not touching it
What i dont understand is the "support to 21". I think its far more reasonable to give all your children equal opportunity to access university, whether that is 18/21 or 21/24. Instead your dd has focused on resolving her biggest issue.
I think you would be better placed supporting all your children to the end of university and helping your dd come up with a plan to get the surgery which might be saving up, waiting until she had finished college.
But i would also say that sometimes treating children fairly isnt always that all things are equal in the moment and i think that you need to encourage your adult children to see that.
My dd had some ridiculous tattoos done at 15 from an unlicensed idiot. She obvs did this behind my back and directly against my wishes. She is 19 and regrets it. I have offered to pay half on a monthly plan once she has a secure job.

LadyOfPleisure · 29/08/2017 08:35

If your teenager stole from a shop, do you think that would be your fault?

Absolutely, if I had turned a blind eye to my child stealing from the age of 8.....

Your responsibility. You bought the wrong food and let her snack. She may not have needed to snack on crap if A) the crap was not there, and B) you provided healthy and filling meals for your child.
Had you filled the house with fruit and veg, she would hardly have put on 11 stones plus from snacking on apples, grapes and carrots.

Try help her. You have failed her already, put it right.

BathshebaOak1 · 29/08/2017 08:36

If you remove the skin, what happens if the weight is put on again in future or during pregnancy? Will the skin that's left be as stretchy?

olderandnowiser · 29/08/2017 08:37

I understand when the OP says that the other children will 'hate' on her if you help her. They might feel entitled to the rest of the OP's money, to make things 'fair'. That's just the way some siblings are. The OP might end up with none of her children speaking to her.

I agree with the people saying why don't you fund some of the money and let your daughter try and find the rest of the money.

I do tire of children who think that they are entitled to every penny the parent possesses, although I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP.

Arrietty123 · 29/08/2017 08:38

Hi op, if I was you I would pay £10,000 towards it and let her save up for the rest. That way you're being supportive but not shouldering all the financial responsibility.

Brownsauceandsausages · 29/08/2017 08:38

First, I don't understand the posters who say you don't sound proud of her, because you say you are really proud of her in your first paragraph!

I wouldn't touch the family nest egg as that is your security. You are responsible for the entire family and your own future. What if you lost your job or became ill? And any money not shared equally between offspring, for whatever reason, is bound to cause resentment. Trust me on that one - I have witnessed it again and again. Can you explain to her that as the responsible parent you are not prepared to put the future security of the entire family at risk?

But I'd do everything else in my power to help her raise the money; such as taking on an extra job a couple of nights a week, selling things, saving, giving up a holiday, luxuries etc. Make it a family effort and involve the other DC too.

And congratulations op, you have obviously raised a very determined girl. She has done amazingly well to lose so much weight. It's a hard situation, because at that age, she obviously wants the skin to be removed NOW but there are advantages to waiting until the money has been raised.

Papafran · 29/08/2017 08:41

ALLOWING A CHILD TO BE OBESE IS CHILD ABUSE!!!!

No, it isn't as simple as that. A child can become obese despite having what seems a healthy diet. They might sneak excess food and parents might be worried about giving the child a complex- until relatively recently we were told that we should not bring up weight with children in case they develop an eating disorder. The OP has two other children who did not develop obesity issues. As a teenager, the DD would have had control over her food intake herself. It is hard for a parent to stop this. Also, being obese can trigger a vicious cycle of comfort eating and self-loathing. The DD may have had psychological issues as a result of her father's death for example- not something the OP is to blame for.

Often people who are very obese completely refuse to take any responsibility for getting that way, which may be what is going on here. But to say to the OP that she abused her child is really, really shitty of you Sparklygiganticpants. Also, when the DD was 8, I presume the father was still alive, so it wasn't just the OP.