AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

And all the people saying that it was the op's fault; does it follow then that mother's of anorexics are always to blame too? And what about the parents who have two thin DC and one fat one? Weight is a complicated issue. Mental health factors are often involved. It's sometimes not as simple as being a good role model. Surely people know this?

As an aside could you pay for pt sessions or similar at gym? I've recently lost 4 stone on sw and also had lose skin. After 4 months intense gym work (mainly weights and bit of cardio) this has nearly all gone. I appreciate it would be a longer game for her but improving strength/fitness has done wonders for my self confidence especially having lost the weight.

You have forty grand savings. She's asked for ten, which at some point she aims to pay you back. I assume once through uni.

If this started when she was eight, and she's clearly had some tough times, her father died, then yes I think uou bear some of the responsibility due to her gaining weight at such a young age. So what if your other kids didn't, every one of us has different emotional needs.

However I think it's irrelevant who is to blame, the key thing for me is this is your child. She needs help. That help is within your ability to give. Why would you refuse? I wouldn't and I don't understand any parent who would.

I haven't read the whole thread but you can sometimes get funding for removal of excessive skin e.g. an abdominoplasy under the NHS if you can prove this is have a psychological effect on you. you need to have attended counselling etc but it might be worth talking to you GP as different areas have different rules regarding funding criteria

The one thing I would say, regardless of whether you choose to help your DD or not, is to absolutely not discuss who is to blame with your other DC! It makes it sound like you are gossiping behind her back, and creates rifts in the family and obvious favouritism.

She's quite young. Is she very fit? This can sometimes help with loose skin. A friend of mine had loose skin surgery about a year ago. It was extensive - long, serious surgery and the recovery was long. It also cost about 12k all in.

Nah, I wouldn't be paying for skin removal unless I was well off enough to not miss the money. Who's to say she won't just gain back the weight again anyway and be back to square one.

At the end of the day her loose skin is really bothering her - she's asking for a loan - not for the money to be gifted - I'd be doing all I could for her.

It's not about playing the blame game, it's about helping your child out.

As an aside, if she was my sibling and I knew she was struggling greatly with her body image. I wouldn't begrudge my parent helping.

I'm not sure why you are getting so much grief. I think paying would be the right thing to do but maybe conditional on weight remaining off e.g. for university or five years. She's done very well no doubt but she's still young and habits take a while to truly change.

she needs to give it a few more years first. after breastfeeding and pregnancy I had a lot of loose skin on my breasts. 2 years later they are not perfect but they are loads better.

know someone who lost weight and had a boob job because of the loosr skin. now she is fat again her boobs are comically big.

If you pay for the surgery and something goes wrong you will never forgive yourself. if you pay for the surgery she will most likely just complain about the ugly scars it leaves. if you pay for surgery and she gets big again then what? what if your other 2 start demanding plastic surgery too???

also will she be able to have kids after a tummy tuck? will she be able to breastfeed after a boob job?

to my mind there are not many pros to paying for surgery. good luck with your decision xxx

'I can't afford to pay this for you' is a fair answer. She's 20, you're going to support her through uni, so this is where she starts saving towards what she wants. It's not necessarily a good idea to reinforce that you owe her financial recompense in some way, where will that end? And as many posters have said, if she rushes into this with your cash in hand she may end up with scarring she isn't equipped to handle at 20 that make her body issues worse, or pile the weight back on and then want further surgery. If she spends a few years working towards this herself then she'll get a clearer idea for herself (and so will her surgeon) as to whether she's able yet to keep the weight off, and she may be more likely to value and look after the result.

I understand some of where she's at as I had major cyst growth in my breasts in my teens and got gargantuan boobs. I mean really, weirdly gargantuan. It played merry hell with my body image, but the nhs at the time couldn't help and my family could not just hand me £10,000 to go get it done. I had it done just before I turned 30. Yes, not easy going through my 20s with that body, but no one owed it to me to make my life perfect, and the surgeon spent a lot of time talking with me about body image, my weight which I wasn't controlling well because of poor body image, and getting ready to cope with a new body including scarring and loss of sensation. I couldn't have handled that nearly so well at 20.

If I had 40k in savings and it would be 20k I would help. I'd ask for her to pay some of it back over time when she's earning properly, so after uni. 20k is plenty for a rainy day, that would cover bills for quite a while if you were made redundant for example. I couldn't not help her if I had the money literally sitting there doing nothing. Or I'd do a payment plan so it doesn't go in one lump and you / she may be able to replenish some each month

Or could you pay just for worst area (stomach?) and do it in stages?

'also will she be able to have kids after a tummy tuck? will she be able to breastfeed after a boob job?'

It's not a hysterectomy. One's fertility is not impaired by a tummy tuck. Breastfeeding, however, can definitely be impaired or not possible after breast reduction (after augmentation it's still possible).

Compromise. You give her some.
This is partially your fault too and I think you are a bit blinkered, 8 year olds don't get fat on their own, indeed teenagers are rarely buying the weekly shop either.

I have read the full thread. I am so sorry you and your dd are going through this.

Your dd is your vulnerable child and I think she needs more support than the others. A bit like a reasonable adjustment for a disability.

Firstly though I would question the efficacy and outcome of the counselling. This is a complex area and I don't think high quality counselling supports blame shifting. Rather it should support mechanisms to help the person cope with the past, present and future and to overcome their difficulties.

Right now I think you woukd be better off spending some of that money (probably about £500) on some high quality therapy for your dd with a couple of combined sessions for you and her.

This should be in tandem with proper support whilst she is at uni. Can she go to uni using your home as a base. No rent, bills, etc, but obviously she finds her own spends. That will provide material and emotional support to the vulnerable child.

I think she has a complex recovery to continue before surgery however It's paid and It's your role to help her with that.

Whether you or she end up paying is irrelevant but nobody should pay due to guilt either real or projected. That doesn't help longer term.

I think there's far more ground work to be done before either of you pay. £20k is a lot to some and a little to others. If you only have £40,000 It's a huge amount of money.

Good luck to you and all your children. You have all had a really rough time.

I don't think it's about blame. I would want to help out if possible so my daughter would be happier. She's done well to lose the weight and it might help keep it off if she feels good about herself. Maybe she can repay it after uni.

Not read all the thread but I'm shocked at posters who think the weight gain is your fault. I presume they have perfect A* kids who are never lazy or rude or do unhealthy thing like smoke. It's a ridiculous thing to say. Overweight children are often overweight because of parents but the OP has said most of the weight gain was during the later teenage years.

It's incredibly hard to stop someone even a child and especially a teenager from over eating if they are determined to. At plus 20 stones then it was hardly a case of the OP having too many biscuits in the cupboard.

OP I wouldn't give her the money and I wouldn't loan it just yet. It's too soon. How about telling her you will match her savings as a gift but then she must also work through Uni. I.e. Give her some but not much.

How old was she when her dad died?

I bet this appears on DailyMail soon - I dread to think what kind of responses you'll get on there OP.

I was fat when I was eight. Properly fat. But, with my father's help I became a normal weight by the time I was 14. Obviously you were completely to blame for the initial weight gain. If she was sneaking snacks you should have removed them from the house. You may also be partly responsible for her continued fatness during her teenage years-if you didn't provide her with health food and opportunity to exercise loosing weight would have been very difficult. Now that she is an adult she has taken responsibility her but the damage is done. You are the very least partly responsible so you should pay sonething.

She is a child who has just saved herself from an early death / serious health issues at 20st.

I would help her with the skin loss. It doesnt matter 'whose fault' it was.
She needs help to cement her amazing achievement.

If weight issues started in childhood and have no medical basis then it did fall to you as the parent to manage. If you must buy treats then padlock the cupboards. There's no excuse for blaming the child. If DD struggled with weight as a teen that's probably due to bingeing as a child. Old habits die hard. I would try to help her. She is obviously struggling psychologically and has done so well losing so much weight.

Why your DD's surgery is anything to do with your other DC is beyond me.

If your DD started gaining weight at 8 years old you should have stopped buying the unhealthy treats and taken her to the doctors or a nutritionist.

Your DD is asking for help so that she can have a better quality of life after working so hard to lose the weight, why would you NOT want to help her? It's not like you can't afford it.

Your other DC would "hate on her"...are you 12? It's none of their business and they sound horrible.

OP help your DD out.

40k though as a nest egg for ever if you have a fairly fixed income is not enormous and giving half of it to one child for non life saving surgery is tricky

OP this is a difficult situation, and must be hard to decide what to do. Maybe you could help her out with just the worst part of her body now (tummy?), to give her more confidence, and she can save and pay for any other bits herself in a few years.
How much would it be for her to only have her tummy done? £10,000? Maybe she could put some towards it? Its not all or nothing.