AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

is she getting help.to get so far overweight this is a problem.what triggered it what still trigger those beahiouvrs.this isn't a teen with too much puppy fat.this was very overweight.so it went passed the point of oer snacking into something more emotional.i think you need to make sure she is "recovered" from this purely on the side that ok if you got the surgery now,will the weight stay off and could it course so much more dangerous situations if after skin grafts and tucs that putting it on or unstable weight ups and down might harm her.

I'm not sure you should use your inheritance nest egg for this. That should be tied up for the future ideally. And £40k to support 4 adults isn't a huge income regardless of posters suggest, and presumably you need to save some of that towards your own savings and pension etc too.

I would help her look at payment options.
I assume she isn't eligible for any NHS options. But most private clinics will have payment options. You could maybe help her with those, and maybe find a way that both of you can contribute to it.

Other posters ar being very harsh with the blaming. It's easier said than done to keep total control over what children eat...yes of course you can cook healthy meals/not buy any snacks to have in the house in case they get tempted. But in reality who does that? Especially if you have other kids who eat sensibly but who might want a packet of crisps or a biscuit occasionally? I have two DC p, one who struggled with weight due to hating exercise and a liking for carb based foods, another as skinny as a rake, and while I did my best to get DC1 to make healthier choices with food/exercise, it can be a constant battle. Anyway, blame or no blame, if I was in the same position I would be wanting to help her with this, and I think previous suggestions regarding interest free payment plans are the way forward. Whether it be that you pay a certain amount up front and the remainder on a plan, or do the whole thing on a plan, it could be the way forward. She's done so well to get it under control and it must be hard coping with the loose skin at such a young age. Maybe if she's only just reached goal weight you could come to some arrangement about paying as long as she keeps the weight off for a year or so (not sure what the recovery time is for this so her going to uni may be an issue)

I'm overweight from a young age and don't blame my mother at all. I certainly don't think it's her responsibility that I am overweight. I own it myself. She didn't force bad food into me, that's a choice I made myself. Too many people look to blame others for their own behaviour.

Private hospitals often offer a payment plan for cosmetic surgeries with reasonable or no interest rates. Instead of lending her the money could you help her look into applying for one of those schemes? Maybe act as a guarantor. Or help her look at credit cards with 0% interest or a savings account where she can put aside a certain amount each month to save towards the procedure.

Tbh I think she should be taking responsibility for paying. She will have a greater sense of achievement and ownership. She is an adult now and while it would be nice if you could help maybe this could take the form of paying the odd monthly payment or birthday/ Christmas money towards the fund.

OP- I get the impression you don't like your daughter very much and neither do your other 2 children

OP, you don't have to pay for her surgery.

But, your denial that you had anything to do with her becoming overweight from 8, the fact you're not flexible in your support (a hard cut off at 21?), and how cold you appear to be about her on here, makes me think you'll have problems in your relationship with her if you don't go for family therapy or something.

I certainly wouldn't touch the nest egg to help her, that would be very stupid.

Weight gain isn't simple though is it? Siblings can eat the same diet and be different sizes and weights for the same age. You can have one skinny child and one who struggles with weight gain. I don't think you should use your life savings. If she wants surgery bad enough she can find a way. I don't like this culture of blame,

Couldn't you ask her to save a nominal amount appropriate to her income to show her commitment and if she saves up her share and keeps the weight off during this time, say a year, you will pay for the rest? That sounds fair to me.

She should save (although it may take years) and pay for it herself. She got herself in to this state so she will need to pay for the cosmetic surgery herself.

I'm with the other posters who say wait. I'd be concerned that she sees the surgery as a quick fix to her problems. As with any surgery there are risks and she'll be left with massive scars for life. It's brilliant that she has achieved so much in such a short time but until the weight has stayed off for a considerable amount of time (at least a year) and fully established good eating and exercise habits (trying to be as fit as possible to build more muscle and lower her body fat percentage which may still be quite high) then I don't think you should feel pressurised into giving her financial help. If she manages to achieve this then I would offer to pay half.

This has got me thinking about my own situation & whether my mum holds some responsibility for my eating issues. Admittedly the difference is I only gained weight in puberty and wasn't overweight at 8, but I don't genuinely think it was my mums fault/responsibility.
My whole family, (parents & siblings) are slim. Mum was a SAHM and cooked fresh meals every night with plenty of veg.
Yes there were some treats in the cupboard but the 'family culture' was not to overdo it - I would secretly binge on them. I also overate on 'normal' non junk food like masses of toast when coming in from school.

Your daughter has done brilliantly and I hope she maintains the weight loss but maintaining is very very hard and a large proportion of people do regain weight. What's the deal with skin removal and then future weight gain or pregnancy?

Clearly it isn't entirely the OPs fault. But it is partly the OP's fault. If a young child is overweight then that is the fault of the parents who control the food.

It won't be a popular view and I'm prepared for the flaming but part of the problem is that we are all supposed to pretend that it isn't a problem nowadays. A child is no longer fat they are "big boned" or "they might have a medical condition". I have been quite shocked at the number of children at my DS's school who have become fat.

That said I don't think the OP should pay for the whole thing and allow the DD to abdicate responsibility altogether.

Could you give her a sum of money towards it? Then give the same amount to your other 2 children for whatever they want to spend it on? Car/saving for house deposit/holiday etc. Then you're treating them all the same.
Look into payment plans too. Maybe you could help her along with that. Go with her to see surgeons- your support will mean a lot to her.

I think you are morally obliged to help her. When she was 8 and 11 and sneaking food etc that was food that you bought and food that you had control of - if you knew she was doing it then you should have taken action then and helped her to stop/got her support from CAMHS etc.

She's now taken responsibility for losing weight and has undone some of the physical harm done, now you need to step up and take responsibility for the rest and provide the cash.

Some huge assumptions on here.
A friends son is overweight. He steels food they have to put locks on cupboard doors but he just unscrew the handles. He steels money to buy food at shop at school. He has no control over eating and denys everything when caught out. He has the same upbringing as her other kids just compulsive eating disorder. She is at the end of her tether worrying about him.
He also has self esteem issues as he hates that he does this.

It's not her fault she trie her best they eat healthily, she cooks from scratch, but he still puts on weight. She cannot watch him 24/7.

Go back to the GP and ask again - discuss the counselling. Sounds like it is impacting her mental health.

Your daughter must have worked really hard to lose all that weight in just a couple of years. I'd be really proud of her and I hope you are too, OP, although that's not really coming across in your posts.

Try and put yourself in her shoes. She developed bad eating patterns in childhood, which you didn't prevent. Come adolescence, these got worse and she goot very overweight. She may have been overeating because she was unhappy and troubled in some way.

She finally decided to address her weight issue and did this with spectacular success. She's now a slim young woman who looks fantastic.

Until she wears a crop top, bikini or is naked, when all her excess skin will look really quite unsightly. She's probably really self-conscious at a time when she should be feeling and looking her best. She'll be feeling uneasy about uni, about relationships, about making new friends.

I'd pay the money and I'd pay it unconditionally, because of my unconditional love and admiration of her. And I'd make sure she knew that that was I felt.

And I've got a friend with an excess skin issue following weight loss. She can wrap herself up in her belly skin as though it was a baggy jumper. I'd rather be fat, from an aesthetic point of view.

She can't pay you back yet but that's not to say she won't be able to pay you back in the future once she's graduated and hopefully secures a better paying job. In the meantime if this is something she really wants, she should look into taking on some extra work to start paying towards the surgery too.

I agree with the PP who suggests at this stage you pay for part of the surgery -for her arms so she can start uni next year with some confidence and work out a payment plan for part or all of the cost even if it's a very small amount for the time being.

How old was your daughter when your husband died? Depending on when he died and the circumstances, maybe that was a factor in her over eating?

In any event whatever the background, I think there's some middle ground you can both work towards.

Could you do something like she gets to live with you an extra year or something so she can save up the cost of the surgery? You can either charge her "rent" and put it aside for this surgery or she saves hard, gets a second job etc to get that money together.

Btw Cahms no help whatsoever not interested.

Just because your other two DC aren't and weren't overweight , it doesn't mean it isn't your fault that she was.

You allowed her to get to that size. You allowed the cycle to start when she was 8.

You are responsible for her being in this situation. Don't you want your child to be happy?

What Lakie said x 1000 (you put this beautifully by the way)

"Your daughter must have worked really hard to lose all that weight in just a couple of years. I'd be really proud of her and I hope you are too, OP, although that's not really coming across in your posts.

Try and put yourself in her shoes. She developed bad eating patterns in childhood, which you didn't prevent. Come adolescence, these got worse and she goot very overweight. She may have been overeating because she was unhappy and troubled in some way.

She finally decided to address her weight issue and did this with spectacular success. She's now a slim young woman who looks fantastic.

Until she wears a crop top, bikini or is naked, when all her excess skin will look really quite unsightly. She's probably really self-conscious at a time when she should be feeling and looking her best. She'll be feeling uneasy about uni, about relationships, about making new friends.

I'd pay the money and I'd pay it unconditionally, because of my unconditional love and admiration of her. And I'd make sure she knew that that was I felt."

Im really staggered by a lot of these replies.

We seem to be living in an increasingly "rewards based" society: its great that the daughter has lost all this weight, but it doesnt then automatically or logically follow that she should get surgery for the loose skin as a result. The three children are already getting financial support until the age of 21 for gods sake! Many of us were pretty much gently informed we'd have to make our own way at 18 upon leavig school.

I also dont think the OP can be blamed for her weight. My sister was also a food addict and would steal/use pocket money/do anything in her power to get her hands on junk food, even once my Mum got a lock on the treats cupboard.

The daughter is a 20 year old adult. She is not entitled to the family inheritance meant as a security to undergo cosmetic surgery. She doesnt "deserve" it becaise shes been "so good" about losing weight. She should feel thrilled with the weight loss, concentrate on keeping it off, and look into loans for it.

OP hold on to the money and keep it for a rainy day. Continue to support your daughter in losing weight and sit down with her and investigate her options and what loans she could get.