AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

Grrr, just wrote a very long post and it disappeared as I clicked refresh by accident!!! I promise I will come back and reply again, but don't have lots of time this morning, and that reply just took up most of it!!!!

Eating disorders are more complex than people think. Friend of mine had a daughter who was overweight because of PCOS, not diagnosed back then. Her other child was very slim.

When my friend hid the sweet treats at home the girl would sneak out to the shops and buy chocolate and hide the wrappers.

I know this isn't the point of the original thread but a girl I know went for a consultation to get skin removed following weight loss and was told she couldn't get her stomach done until she was done having kids. Just something to keep in mind.

I've not rtwholeft yet but my thoughts are that you don't have to treat all your children in exactly the same way in order to be fair.
Different children have different needs and as a parent you should try to meet those needs as best you can.
I have 3 siblings and I can honestly say that if my sister was like your dd I would not resent a penny that my parents spent on her to help her with this. She is not the same as her brother and sister and she needs help to be on the same footing as them in life.

You are not coming across well. If I'm going to be totally honest, you sound selfish. Your financial security is not more important than this surgery for your dd. And actually your security isn't threatened by helping her. You are sitting on 40K in savings and you have a 40K salary and still you hesitate.
This is your responsibility. At 8 this problrm started while she was still a child and under your care. Imho you owe her this help.

I cannot understand the mentality of a mother who would sit on all this money and see her child struggle in this way. I would be borrowing money to 9ay for this if she was mine. Shame on you.

I'm not sure this at I follow the putting the weight back on argument.

She's lost it now. She has loose skin. If she did put the weight back on it wouldn't just refill her loose skin would it?

Her skin would stretch again. Yes the loose skin would be less noticeable if she were heavier but that's not the point.

Say she has the operation- The worst case is she has the operation, puts all the weight back on and her skin re stretches. If she were to then to RE- LOSE it (11stone?!) then yes, she'd be back where she started and the operation could be deemed a waste of money.

But the chances don't seem high do they? Its almost irrelevant

I think OP has had a bit of a rough time here. If it's her fault the dd is overweight, conversely, would it also be her fault if it was anorexia rather than obesity? Over eating has an emotional root, as does anorexia.

No, that's a different ball game. You can't force a child to eat but you,can stop buying the unhealthy food they are gorging on or prevent access to the kitchen if they are over eating.

I know so you shouldn't have let her get fat as a kid but boohoo!

Boohoo?? If op hadn't have allowed her child to get fat at 8 years old then this thread likely wouldn't even exist!

I have watched a family member get progressively bigger over the last 4 years. It started when he was around 9 and of course the parents turned a blind eye to it (ignoring letters home from school nurse and expecting a child to manage their own diet etc), he is now a teenager and bigger than ever. I can't help but feel if his parents had been more proactive when he was younger he would be at a healthier weight right now. Personally I think it's cruel to allow your child to become overweight and then do nothing about it thus resulting in a lifetime of psychological and physical health problems.

Too many people turn a blind eye to childhood obesity and it's not good.

Your financial security is not more important than this surgery for your dd.

Sigh. Yes, actually, it is. Shelter, food, heating, being able to pay bills, actual need, comes before want for cosmetic surgery. And I say that as someone who was a teen/through my twenties, waiting to be able to afford cosmetic surgery, as well as living with facial scarring. Obsession with my body and looks to the exclusion of sense like 'I can't afford this right now' and keeping it in balance with the rest of my life was a major part of being emotionally healthy in those years.

It's a nice to have for the dd. It's a want. It's something she can work towards herself. There are many avenues open to her and many years ahead in which she can find ways to do what she wants to do. As many on this thread have said, quick and easily funded surgery may not be the most helpful thing for dd any way.

Money is not love. Parents who don't have the financial resources to freely give out do not love their kids any less. It is nuts for a parent to financially throw themselves under the bus to make an adult child happy in the short term. It's not something that a decent adult child should be allowing their parent to do either.

I really disagree MissHavisham. The OP earns 40k and has 40k in savings. Doing this for her dd threatens nothing.
But even if it did, this is not just a want. Her dd lost 11 stone - having the amount of excess skin from that sort of loss is going to hamper her life. It will take her years to be in a position to pay for removal surgery herself. It will affect her self esteem, her relationships and her mum could prevent all that hardship and won't.

I'm not saying her mum should make herself homeless to pay for it, but she has had a big hand in the creation of this situation and I truly believe she has a responsibility here to help put it right.

If her siblings would genuinely resent their mum helping their sister, then they are the sort of people whose opinions should be disregarded.

Equality isn't about treating everyone the same, it's about equality of opportunity and leveling the playing field.

Your other kids have had a head-start in life by being normal weight. The spent their formative years benefiting from the social perks of being conventionally attractive and slim, avoiding judgements about their character and bullying over their weights.

If one child had a disability, you would pour more time and resources into their care. Mental health conditions are as genuine as physical illnesses.

You need to level the playing field for your DD by helping her to move through this.

Would you refuse a wheelchair for a DC because the other DC would complain that they've not been bought enough food shopping at uni? I don't think so, somehow.

I wouldn't until she has managed to maintain it for a few years. I did SW and within 18 months I've piled the weight back on. In relation to you paying for it though I would contribute to some extent if you can. I was a very fat 8 year old. I'd had an operation which limited my mobility and then the same op 4 years later. I was a size 20 by the age of 14. Yes I blame my parents although I did sneak food. I blame them for overfeeding me to keep my quiet, buying excessive amounts of crisps/chocolate and allowing me to eat huge portions - think 12 pancakes for breakfast. I'm now 32 years old and I've struggled with my weight since the age of 8. I hate it and my parents are responsible for setting me up with such disgusting attitudes towards food. You were the parent and if your DD got to that size that you are in some way responsible.

Once she was an adult she had the opportunity to change her eating habits and chose not to. Therefore it's her own fault and she should deal with the consequences. She started losing weight at 17 according to the OP so yes she changed her eating habits so it isn't her own fault.

Comparing wanting a tummy tuck to needing a wheelchair is a bit off I have to say. I know it wasnt a direct comparison, but its really, really not in any way similar.

OP doesnt earn that much as a single earner dont forget, and £40k between 4 adults, with 3 of them being supported through Uni when people earning more than £40k charge for 'keep' is quite generous already.

Also, yes the OP has been responsible up to a point, but the DD has been overweight up to 18 years of age, thats more years of being responsible (or at least aware) for her own weight and food intake than not IMO.

I think OP would be very foolish to use half of her safety net for this, especially so soon. I've been there, lost about 6 stone very quickly only to slap it all back on and more after 4 months and it took about 2 years to get it back off and LOTS of hard work to keep it off. Id actually be surprised if any reputable surgeon would carry out the procedure until the weight has been off for a significant period of time.

I was a fat teen who lost my weight finally at 18 before uni. Like your daughter, it started when I was hitting puberty and I gradually got bigger every year, which made me very depressed and kick started a pattern of binging and starving myself. And a bit like your daughter, being a fat teen haunted me afterwards and no matter how slim I became, I still felt insecure about my looks and saw myself as the fat kid. I managed to keep the weight off though and I'm much more comfortable in my skin now I'm in my 30s. The reason I share this info, is that I can understand your daughters on going problems. That being said, whilst my parents weren't necessarily great at ensuring we had only healthy food in the cupboards, preventing my secret eating, and could have ensured as a family we were more active, I can't blame them for my weight gain. I was the person obsessed with food and who binged on junk at every opportunity. I had a difficult relationship with my mum at this time as she was quite critical and harsh about my weight, but she didn't make me fat, just as you didn't make your daughter put on weight. I never required surgery after losing the weight, and to be honest I felt proud that I accomplished the weight loss by myself with a healthy diet and exercise. Does she exercise? I should think intensive an exercise program would help her tone up. Otherwise could you offer her half the money and encourage her to save the rest? Do you think she really needs the operation? It would never have crossed my mind to have that when I was younger, but I guess it's been more normalised by celebs these days. Basically I don't think you should accept full responsibility for her weight issues, and paying in full I think would suggest you were entirely at fault. But if you genuinely think she needs the procedure, paying half would show your support in helping her achieve her goals.

indulgentberries I get that, we have to be the parent and remove the temptation but I am only going by what the op said, that she tried to remove the treats and things improved until dd was 11 - 18. Those are very difficult years to control food, young girls that age are living more and more out of the house.

"overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18"

And with the DD earning 10k a year with no bills to pay (if I read that right before??) then shes got plenty of opportunity to save a big chunk of it herself. If I was the DD I'd be looking to get another job to help as well.

Comparing wanting a tummy tuck to needing a wheelchair is a bit off I have to say

Why? One is a physical illness, one is a mental illness. Your comment just shows the disparity in the way these things are treated. Maybe nobody needs a mobility aid, or a fancy wheelchair when a basic one will do? It's not "wanting a tummy tuck", it's wanting skin removed from a childhood of extreme obesity in order to recover from an illness and move on with life.

My ds had a friend who used to absolutely gorge on food when he came to our house. I dreaded him coming as it was so unsettling to see. He was from a loving, comfortable family. His siblings didn't behave that way. He was simply obsessed with food. The birthday parties were a nightmare because from the moment he arrived, he was scanning the party table and shoving cakes and sweets in every pocket when he thought no one was looking. I have no idea what was behind it, but I don't blame his parents.

I agree with MissHavisham. Plus, she is very young for this kind of surgery - things could improve by themselves over the next few years. I wouldn't rush into something like this.

I can't imagine leaving my DD in that position even if it meant borrowing the money. OP you need to take some responsibility and your other children sound nasty. Why would they hate their sister?

You didnt mention fancy wheelchair v normal one though did you? if you did Id agree, but you didn't.

And if it is causing significant mental health issues similarly debilitating as a person needing a wheelchair she should go back to the GP and discuss this. Not stamp her feet and blame her Mum completely.

It doesn't make sense to say "the siblings are fine, so it's the child's fault".

Everyone has different genetic susceptibilities and life experiences, so it's down to the parents to individualise their parenting styles and make them work for each child - not to hold their hands up and say "well it's the 8 year old's fault".

And if it is causing significant mental health issues similarly debilitating as a person needing a wheelchair she should go back to the GP and discuss this. Not stamp her feet and blame her Mum completely.

I doubt she's actually acting like that. She probably just mentioned to OP that she felt upset about not being helped as a child, on the recommendation of her therapist, and Mum bristled defensively at the suggestion.

If she was the "stamping feet and blaming" type, there's no bloody way she would have lost 11 stone and got a job.

Overeating is rarely just a physical thing and it's not about laziness or some character flaw either. It's an emotional response to something. Especially at 8.

Your daughter's done really well to lose the weight. you, her mother, helping her feel good about her body and making her feel important would help her emotionally too. Maybe even help her stop overeating forever.

Blame is really not the issue.

People who at work suggesting she needs to keep the weight off for longer- why?