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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for birthday meal

143 replies

Riv · 28/08/2017 12:02

Need your advice on expected etiquette to avoid embarrassment and resolve a minor family argument:
If you received an invitation to a friend's "significant birthday" meal at a local, good but reasonable, restaurant, would you expect to pay for any of it? - eg the meal? the wine? What would be reasonable to expect if anything?

OP posts:
Cakesprinkles · 28/08/2017 12:03

You would be paying for your own food and drink-the bill would be split between all attending.

Namechangetempissue · 28/08/2017 12:03

Yes I would expect to pay for my own meal and drinks unless otherwise specified on the invite.

treaclesoda · 28/08/2017 12:03

I'd expect the bill to be split amongst everyone attending.

LineysRun · 28/08/2017 12:04

If it's an invitation, the host hosts.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2017 12:05

Yes I totally would expect to pay my way, unless they have stated that its paid for already. It would be like dining out with my friends on any other day.

Moanyoldcow · 28/08/2017 12:05

At a restaurant, I would always expect to pay my entire share and be pleasantly surprised if they paid for some/all of it.

At a 'function' I'd expect to be fed and would expect a cash bar and again would be pleasantly surprised if they laid on booze.

If it was their treat I'd expect to be told in advance.

RestingBitchFaced · 28/08/2017 12:05

You should expect to pay for your own food and drink unless stated otherwise

Moanyoldcow · 28/08/2017 12:07

I have some wealthy family members who would treat at a restaurant but it would be clear at the outset when the invitation was made.

44PumpLane · 28/08/2017 12:07

I guess it depends if there is precedence for this type of thing.

Personally I would be expecting the bill to be split amongst the table as that's what we do, taking account of any discrepancies in consumption (i.e. Non drinkers don't pay for booze, anyone saying they are on a budget gets to just pay for what they consume if they need to).

If the typical is that one person "treats" then I'd go prepared to pay but perhaps expecting that the inviter is treating- that's not what we do though.

Sproglets · 28/08/2017 12:08

I'd expect to pay for my own and I'd be prepared to split the birthday person's share of the bill as well. We will often split the bill between all of those attending minus the birthday person when we go out for things like this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/08/2017 12:09

I'd expect the bill to be split between everyone there and possibly for the meal of the person with the birthday to also be covered. Even a "reasonably priced" restaurant meal is going to come to £30 per head or so once drinks and sides are included and there's no way I'd expect any of my friends to pay that for all their guests.

RhubardGin · 28/08/2017 12:09

I would pay for my own meal or expect to split the bill.

It's only on MN that I've ever seen the confusion about this.

Carley27 · 28/08/2017 12:09

I'd expect to pay my share (and consider it a bonus if any was paid for me).

Happytobefree17 · 28/08/2017 12:09

What does the invite say?

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 12:10

Unless it says otherwise, I would go expecting to pay for my food and drink.

Some people all chip in for the person whose birthday it is. In my circle we dont. Because we go out for each of our birthdays so it all works out the same.

isittheholidaysyet · 28/08/2017 12:11

I would expect to pay a share of the bill. Including a share of all my friends ridiculous expensive treats and drinks.

SilverySurfer · 28/08/2017 12:12

I would expect to pay my share of the bill unless told otherwise.

AgentProvocateur · 28/08/2017 12:12

No, I wouldn't expect to pay if I'd been invited. However, if it was a "Let's go to dinner somewhere" and I had input into the venue and date etc, I would expect to pay.

chowmeinchick · 28/08/2017 12:16

I'd expect too pay for myself. And probably even put a bit more in to help cover the birthday person.

It's an invite but would be rude to turn up with no money for the meal. I'd feel awkward with someone else paying for me, but that's just me.

RedSkyAtNight · 28/08/2017 12:19

I think it depends whether it's an "organised" party, in which case I'd expect the host to pay at least some of the costs, or more of a casual "group of friends going out fora meal" in which case I'd expect the bill to be split.

Redglitter · 28/08/2017 12:19

God I hate these threads
I'm having a big birthday next year and would like to go out for dinner with my closest friends. There's no way I can afford dinner for 10 and already worried about how to broach the subject having seen the posts on here

Ameliablue · 28/08/2017 12:19

For a formal invite for a significant birthday, I would expect, eg my siblings and I arranged a meal for my dad for his birthday and invited his friends and siblings and my siblings and I as organisers split the bill.
However if it's an informal, let's go for dinner for so and so's birthday, I would expect the cost to be shared between those attending except for the birthday person.

Shadow666 · 28/08/2017 12:23

In our group, we just all pay our own and bring a present for the birthday girl. If I was taking a family member Id treat them as its their birthday. I think the key is to be clear at the outset.

expatinscotland · 28/08/2017 12:28

I'd expect to pay my share of food and drinks. The problem with splitting is you always get people who take the piss, order the most expensive things and drink themselves silly and then expect others to subsidise it for them.

321zerobaby · 28/08/2017 12:31

I've only ever received one invitation like this, and the person who invited us paid.