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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for birthday meal

143 replies

Riv · 28/08/2017 12:02

Need your advice on expected etiquette to avoid embarrassment and resolve a minor family argument:
If you received an invitation to a friend's "significant birthday" meal at a local, good but reasonable, restaurant, would you expect to pay for any of it? - eg the meal? the wine? What would be reasonable to expect if anything?

OP posts:
deadringer · 28/08/2017 16:24

I would expect to pay my way. I received an invite for a meal to celebrate my dn's 21st. Paid for my set 3 course meal and share of the drinks bill (and my dh's), no problem, but what did piss me off was being told that the restaurant were supplying a birthday cake instead of the dessert on the menu. So I got a small piece of cake (which I don't eat) instead of the dessert I had paid for. I also gave dn cash as a gift so his 'party' cost me more than it cost his parents. No one else seemed to mind that we had paid for his birthday cake as well as our own meals and drinks so maybe I am just mean.

NerrSnerr · 28/08/2017 16:31

I'd always expect to pay. We had one meal for a family member's 80th and her children paid for everyone and we only found out after we tried to pay.

Expect to pay and it'll be a lovely surprise if you don't have to.

CoughLaughFart · 28/08/2017 19:12

When it was my mother's 60th I, my dad and my siblings organised a family dinner at which we paid for everyone. We did this because it was a special birthday and we wanted to treat everyone, but I wouldn't assume this was the case if I was the one being invited - and we made it very clear in advance that it was our treat to avoid any confusion.

I do think it's vital to make it very clear though. I'd always assume I was paying unless told otherwise, but sometimes people make it ambiguous. I remember a work meal out years ago when we'd all assumed we were paying our own way, but when the bill came one of the managers said 'I'll sort it - I can put it on the corporate card'. A pleasant surprise - or so we thought. Two weeks later he came around the office in a huff complaining no one had paid him back Hmm

mummmy2017 · 28/08/2017 19:16

Reasonable is the key word here.
They are telling you that your paying for yourself and they have not gone for one that is Expensive.

Always take enough money to pay your own way, that way anything else is a nice surprise.

Original poster
Riv · 28/08/2017 19:22

Since you asked, I've found out DH has asked about 30 friends for my significant birthday (hence guest numbers) - he assumes they'll pay and we get fizz or wine and a cake. I thought we'd be expected to pay everything and am panicking 'cos paying circa £30 a head for 30 guests is a bit beyond our (my) budget. No idea how he's worded the invite, but it seems to be all via word of mouth and e-mails so far.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 28/08/2017 20:24

"If it's an invitation, the host hosts."

Where do the people live, that think this? There are always a few on every thread of this type who assume: if invited to an event the person who suggested it will pay for everything.

I have never encountered this concept except on mumsnet (and in relation to little children's birthdays). It would be a bizarre and rude (on the receiving end) assumption to anyone I've ever interacted with.

I'm genuinely asking:

-What country are you from?
-If UK, which area?
-How rich are you (maybe that's the variable I'm missing)?

donquixotedelamancha · 28/08/2017 20:30

@drinkingtea
"The old fashioned way used to be that if you invite people you are the host and you pay."

How old fashioned? None of the elderly people I know would assume they were being paid for if invited to a restaurant, or insist on a free bar for someone else's event.

Its not that no-one ever does these things, but I've never encountered an expectation of it and I'm shocked by the strident posters who insist it's the norm.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2017 20:34

I live in the UK and not mega rich. I've lived in different parts of this country. I wouldn't invite 30 people by written invitation to my birthday meal in a restaurant though. It would be too expensive.

londonrach · 28/08/2017 20:36

Go expecting go pay. We did but host picked up tab which was kind of her. It really depends so go expecting!!

AgentProvocateur · 28/08/2017 20:39

donquixotedelamancha

Scotland, Glasgow. Well off now, so the restaurants have got pricier. But even when we were on a pizza budget, we would still
pay if we invited.

cushioncovers · 28/08/2017 20:47

*.At a restaurant, I would always expect to pay my entire share and be pleasantly surprised if they paid for some/all of it.

At a 'function' I'd expect to be fed and would expect a cash bar and again would be pleasantly surprised if they laid on booze.

If it was their treat I'd expect to be told in advance.*

This

TheweewitchRoz · 28/08/2017 20:51

Exactly what cushion said.

greendale17 · 28/08/2017 20:57

I always expect to pay

Shadow666 · 28/08/2017 21:31

I agree with your husband, everyone pays for their own food but a few bottles of wine and birthday cake provided by the organizer is a nice gesture. 👍🏻

donquixotedelamancha · 28/08/2017 23:18

@agent and vivienne

You two would genuinely go to a meal, at a restaurant, that a friend invited you out for and assume they were paying? This is a ubiquitous assumption, even when you've not been out with someone before?

chocatoo · 28/08/2017 23:22

We expect to pay for our guests if we have invited them for a special occasion. Guests usually arrive with a birthday or special anniversary gift (I am talking birthdays with a zero on the end, special anniversaries, etc.). We are not rich but I am probably a bit older than some of the posters on here so maybe old fashioned. We have lived all over the UK.
For bog standard celebrations, if we can afford to we like to treat our friends but it is a bit more dependant on our and their funds - we would make it clear beforehand if it was going to be an occasion where we all split the bill. I think the key is to be clear up front if it is going to be the kind of dinner where you all split the bill.

StickThatInYourPipe · 28/08/2017 23:29

I have a question for the people who would expect to pay if inviting others out.

If you mention to someone 'oh we should meet up and have dinner, do you and x wanna meet me and y at a restaurant we were planning on trying?' and they agree, does that mean you are paying? Just because you were the first person to bring up the idea of a meal?

Shadow666 · 28/08/2017 23:45

I think some people see a difference between "organising" a dinner, i.e., let's all meet up for dinner on Friday where you would split the bill, and "issuing invitations for a dinner", where you would send out formal written invitations in which case the host pays.

I honestly don't know anyone who sends out formal invitations for birthday parties at a restaurant though. It's odd.

My rule of thumb, if with friends we'd split the bill, if I was with my kids then I'd pay.

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2017 06:52

Yes, if I got a message from a friends DH saying, "I've booked a table at x for y's birthday meal. Hope you can make it. RSVP" I don't assume they were paying. I'd have money in case, and I wouldn't be at all bothered if I had to pay though.

If I got a text from a friend saying, "Do you want to meet me for dinner sometime?" I'd assume a bill split.

@Don - it's a ubiquitous assumption because that's how me and my friends do it, so I'd assume that's how their friends do it too.

Silverthorn · 29/08/2017 08:37

Always expect to pay my own way in a restaurant and to pay part of the birthday persons bill.
If invited to a function room woild expect host to provide food.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/08/2017 08:54

I agree with Agent and actually, it's got nothing to do with 'old-fashioned', it's just the way etiquette decrees. It's not complicated either. The inclusion of the word 'function' doesn't change things. It's the wording of the invitation. Why would somebody be casually requested to attend a zero-birthday if not as a group of friends who usually do the 'nobody's hosting, everybody pays for themselves' thing?

The scenarios as stick gave are very clearly not an 'event', they are a casual suggestion to attend and absolutely, everybody should and would expect to pay for themselves. There is no host in those scenarios so it's really quite clear... or it is to me anyway and it does seem to be the 'norm' in groups of friends with the expectation that everybody will pay for themselves.

drinkingtea · 29/08/2017 09:01

Stickthat no of course not. That's not an invitation.

If you invite people to celebrate your birthday or other milestone you pay though - otherwise it's so bloody entitled, for want of a better word.

Let's all go out for a meal and catch up - lovely. All pay for yourself.

I'd like to invite you to celebrate my birthday - it's all about me, I pay otherwise I'm very "because I'm worth it". It's so presumptuous to ask other people to shell out to celebrate your existence, and very different to a meet up which isn't all about one individual.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/08/2017 09:10

drinkingtea, exactly so.

drinkingtea · 29/08/2017 09:14

I don't live in the UK any more, but was brought up in Yorkshire by upper middle class parents (by which I mean their jobs fall into that professional category). I'm poorer than them but not poor.

I wouldn't invite 30 people to celebrate my birthday because I wouldn't want to shell out for that, but yes I think if I threw a celebration of me I'd be rude not to pay.

As a guest you have to go along prepared to pay more than your way though, which is off putting sometimes, especially when you have no control over the final amount you'll have to stump up if it's a split the bill including the hosts share job.

In the country I live in now if you pay for yourself you actually pay for yourself - waiting staff expect to do individual itemised bills as an absolute matter of course.

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2017 09:17

The first part of my post should read I'd assume they were paying Sorry.