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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for birthday meal

143 replies

Riv · 28/08/2017 12:02

Need your advice on expected etiquette to avoid embarrassment and resolve a minor family argument:
If you received an invitation to a friend's "significant birthday" meal at a local, good but reasonable, restaurant, would you expect to pay for any of it? - eg the meal? the wine? What would be reasonable to expect if anything?

OP posts:
VinoTime · 28/08/2017 13:01

Oh, difficult one!

In my family, if you host - you pay for big celebratory gatherings. Though we would all throw money into a kitty to cover drinks. However, if I'm out with friends, we generally split the bill equally between us all - though we would all pay a little extra to cover the person we're celebrating (if it was a birthday, for instance), so that they don't pay Smile

Viviennemary · 28/08/2017 13:02

In the past if you got a written invitation for a meal then you wouldn't be expected to pay for it. If you go to a wedding you don't pay for your meal. A child's birthday party you don't pay. Sorry standards are going down.

Originalfoogirl · 28/08/2017 13:06

If I were invited out to a restaurant, I wouldn't expect to pay. That said, if the bill came at the end of the night and clearly the expectation was to split it, I'd get my purse out. If I were that concerned about how much i might or might not be expected to pay, I'd check with the person who invited me before I went.

pringlecat · 28/08/2017 13:19

I'd expect to split the meal down the middle, i.e. shared between everyone there. (So as someone who wouldn't be drinking, this would be off-putting if on a budget - no one likes to quibble a bill on someone's birthday and the OP implies not a cheapy restaurant.)

Additionally, if the invitation had come from a person who wasn't the birthday girl/boy, I would expect to split the meal excluding the birthday girl/boy, i.e. the person celebrating eats free.

Shadow666 · 28/08/2017 13:20

I dont think its about standards but restaurants are expensive. Not many people can afford to pay for all their guests.

Ive read threads where people have organised BBQs at home and expected guests to pay. I think thats crappy.

mimiholls · 28/08/2017 13:21

A wedding and childs birthday party are completely different- the catering is laid on and you get what you're given. Going out to a restaurant, ordering off a menu and each person requesting whatever drinks they may want is not the same.

SomeDoNot · 28/08/2017 13:23

If I sent a written invitation then I would pay. Why wouldn't you pay if you invite? If you invite guests to your house you don't have a whip round at the end of the night and inviting to a restaurant is no different.

If it was a more informal message - I am at XXX on my birthday if anyone wants to drop in then I would buy them a drink on arrival but probably not pick up the whole tab.

If you cant afford to pay for a party that you set up- then downsize your ideas to what you can afford.

jemimaisnotmyname · 28/08/2017 13:23

It depends who arranged it.

Arranged by family or friends: I'd expect the bill to be split between everyone attending except the person whose birthday it is.

Arranged by birthday person or their spouse: I'd expect the bill to be split between everyone. There's a very slight chance that they'd pick up some or all of the tab but I wouldn't expect it and it would just be a bonus if it happened.

BumWad · 28/08/2017 13:24

I would expect to pay

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/08/2017 13:26

OP, if etiquette were in play then you wouldn't be expected to pay for the meal because that's an invitation and you're being hosted.

Given that so many people don't understand actual invitation -v- venue suggestions, probably best to double-check.

There was a thread here last week, I think, where this was debated and many think that an invitation means splitting the bill - and for the birthday 'girl' (boak) also.

Just because it's a birthday doesn't make that person the host. Actual hosting (paying) makes them the host. Otherwise they're suggesting a venue for friends to get together with the expectation that everyone pays for themselves. Nothing wrong with that but it's not an invitation or hosting in any way.

Because the waters have been so muddied, I would ask. You can say, "That restaurant looks nice, have you been? What are the prices like?". The response should tell you the answer.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2017 13:27

Sometimes kids are taken out for a meal for a party. Pizza hut and the like. I wouldn't expect to pay for my child. If people can't afford to pay for 24 people then don't invite them. Why would you invite people to something and they pay for themselves. They might as well go out to the restaurant with a friend.

Shadow666 · 28/08/2017 13:28

Do people send written invitations for birthday dinners? I just imagined that these days everything is Whatsapp or Facebook.

HarrisHawk · 28/08/2017 13:28

This comes up all the time on mumsnet and it always comes out that 95 percent of posters think each guest pays, and the other 5 percent think the host pays.

So it's always worth clarifying on invites you send out, or by asking the organisers, as it's obviously something people disagree on.

Mellington · 28/08/2017 13:30

Go expecting to pay for your meal and drinks and be pleasantly surprised if you don't have to.

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2017 13:30

Yeah I'd expect to divide the bill up and pay for myself

glutoftoms · 28/08/2017 13:46

I think it depends on the invitation.

A formal card through the post 'Amanda invites you to Posho Gastropub on 10th September to celebrate her 40th' her treat and you take a fabulous gift.

Text 'I want all my mates to come to Posho on 10th September for my 40th, are you up for it?' you split the bill.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 28/08/2017 13:51

In our family it is normal that the host pays. Different if we all decide to go for a meal as an spur of the moment type thing, but proper invitation = host pays. But, I know from friends that it seems to be acceptable these days to invite people to your celebration and to expect them to pay their way.

I think if the invitation is from family you should be able to ask what they are expecting and if you can't ask, go and be prepared to pay for your share.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/08/2017 13:52

I would expect to pay for my food and drink. I wouldn't expect the bill to be split equally as I don't drink and begrudge paying for everyone else to get pissed.

Orangebird69 · 28/08/2017 13:55

If dh or I invite people out for dinner for our birthdays, we pay for everyone.

Orangebird69 · 28/08/2017 13:56

But, to add to my post, if I were invited out for someone else's birthday I'd always be prepared to pay my way/split the bill.

Nirvana1979 · 28/08/2017 14:00

We are going out this Friday evening for my son's 18th birthday. There are 12 of us going. As it was my idea I have offered to pay for everyone's meal. I expect a few will offer on the night to pay but I feel as I arranged it it would be a nice treat to pay for everyone.

I would always take money and fully expect to pay for my meal if invited out. If the host insisted then fair enough.

AMightyOak · 28/08/2017 14:01

I'd expect to pay.

BetterEatCheese · 28/08/2017 14:05

I would expect to pay my way - split the bill between everyone. If it was a function I would think food would be provided

BetterEatCheese · 28/08/2017 14:11

Just asked dp and he thinks you shouldn't have to pay - we both have different opinions. He comes from a fairly well off family whereas I don't so maybe this has something to do with it?

hellejuice91 · 28/08/2017 14:18

In my group of friends bill would be split and the person who had the birthday would have their share covered by everyone else.

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