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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

paying for birthday meal

143 replies

Riv · 28/08/2017 12:02

Need your advice on expected etiquette to avoid embarrassment and resolve a minor family argument:
If you received an invitation to a friend's "significant birthday" meal at a local, good but reasonable, restaurant, would you expect to pay for any of it? - eg the meal? the wine? What would be reasonable to expect if anything?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 12:35

I would expect to pay and to also pay for the birthday person.

SapphireStrange · 28/08/2017 12:35

At a birthday meal for someone else, I'd expect everyone but the birthday person to split the bill. Birthday person eats free.

BuffyFan · 28/08/2017 12:37

Unless it was clear from the invitation that somebody else was paying (eg "we'd like to treat you to dinner") then I would go assuming we'd split the bill. Then if somebody else is paying, is a bonus!

If it's people you know well you can predict what they might do - my dad and my father in law, for example, will both always try to pay for everybody. So we'll generally try to get a round of drinks in first, at least.

abbey44 · 28/08/2017 12:38

At a birthday meal for someone else, I'd expect everyone but the birthday person to split the bill. Birthday person eats free.

^this

rookiemere · 28/08/2017 12:38

Written invite - I'd assume it was paid for , anything else I'd presume I'd be paying for my own meal .

GottaGetThisDone · 28/08/2017 12:39

I recently had a big birthday and I too worried about this. No way could we afford to pay for the meals of those i wanted to invite (about 24 altogether). The restaurant wanted pre-orders from a set menu so we put the menu and the prices with the invitation, it may have been a bit crass to do so but at least everyone knew where we/they stood. Nobody seemed to mind and were more than happy to pay for their drinks as they ordered them.
I always assume I am to pay for my own food and drink if I am invited to a meal, that way if any of it is paid for its a nice surprise

MeeWhoo · 28/08/2017 12:39

Why don't you just ask the organiser/s?

SleepFreeZone · 28/08/2017 12:40

I would expect to pay.

Sparkletastic · 28/08/2017 12:42

I would expect to pay my way.

GinasGirl · 28/08/2017 12:43

When we have been invited to meals as a big celebration I have always made the assumption that I am paying my way.
We went to a big leaving party once and on the invite they let us know date/time/restaurant and that it would be their treat.

Grace789 · 28/08/2017 12:45

What is your reason for asking? What have the organises said they expect?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/08/2017 12:46

I'd expect to split the bill.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2017 12:46

It seems that these days it's quite common for these invitations to get sent out so you probably will have to pay for your meal. However, I think that if you actually send out written invitations it's not on to expect people to pay for their own meal. A phonecall about a birthday get together is different. Then I'd expect to pay.

mamamac101 · 28/08/2017 12:47

I would expect the bill to be split equally between everyone (with the option of excluding the birthday boy/girl as a treat)

SonicBoomBoom · 28/08/2017 12:49

I would always expect to pay for my own food and drink. Or to split the bill evenly between either everyone there, or everyone minus birthday person.

I think it's ridiculous to expect one person to pick up the bill for a large group.

If I extremely financially comfortable with lots and lots of money to spare (and it was my/DH/DCs birthday), I'd offer to pay for everyone. But I'd never expect someone else to pay for it all, it's too much.

SnickersWasAHorse · 28/08/2017 12:49

I would expect to pay.

notsmartenough · 28/08/2017 12:51

I would go expecting to either pay for myself or split the bill as that's what happens with my friends. It's just an informal let's meet up type gathering though, we don't make a big fuss of birthdays.

It's always been a 'thing' in my family though that the host pays so sometimes I've gone out with colleagues on my birthday and have paid without telling them beforehand (cue comments about if they'd known they would have ordered the steak etc).

mimiholls · 28/08/2017 12:52

I would expect to pay plus my share of the birthday person's cost.

happypoobum · 28/08/2017 12:52

Why would you not pay for your food and drink? I don't understand why anyone would think this

ARumWithAView · 28/08/2017 12:53

Wasn't there a thread about this very recently? It seemed like most people would assume they'd pay for themslves, but that it's a nice gesture if the birthday person provides a few drinks or something (and, in return, a lot of the time guests will cover the birthday person's meal).

I like having meals out with friends, seeing them on their birthdays etc. I'd hate for someone to feel like they can't' ask anyone to come out unless they're in a position to pay for 10 people's dinner.

Having said that, you do have to be careful as to the mode of invitation. A proper paper invitation, or too-formal wording, may suggest you're picking up the tab.

ZerbaPadnaTigre · 28/08/2017 12:54

Splitting the bill is standard in my family so I'd expect to do that. As a teetotal, fussy eater, I always get fleeced and I'd rather just pay for what I had but it never works out that way.

Anecdoche · 28/08/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 28/08/2017 12:55

Why would you not pay for your food and drink? I don't understand why anyone would think this

My DM invited a group of 12 out for her 80th and she paid for all of it.

honeyroar · 28/08/2017 12:59

Whenever I've organised meals for significant birthdays everyone has paid for their own meal, but I've usually popped to the restaurant beforehand and bought enough champagne/Prosecco to go on the table for everyone to have a couple of glasses and I've taken a cake and paid for everyone to have ice cream or cream with it instead of a dessert. I can't afford to pay for everyone's meals but it feels like I've done a little something for everyone that way..

happypoobum · 28/08/2017 13:00

That's really nice Rhonda and I have done similar (not 80 yet!) but I can assure you it was a total surprise to my guests, and they had all come assuming they would be paying, rather than assuming that they wouldn't IYSWIM?

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