paying for birthday meal

[Riv]

Need your advice on expected etiquette to avoid embarrassment and resolve a minor family argument:
If you received an invitation to a friend's "significant birthday" meal at a local, good but reasonable, restaurant, would you expect to pay for any of it? - eg the meal? the wine? What would be reasonable to expect if anything?

I've been to hundreds of "birthday meals" with friends at restaurants over the years, and

a) I've always paid my share, as has everyone else
b) nobody has EVER appeared confused or unsure about this fact

For my 50th we invited about 30 people along to a local restaurant. We made it clear that DH was paying for drinks and guests were paying for food. It wasn't an expensive place and nobody turned down the invite so I imagine they thought that was acceptable.

For DS1's 30th, we invited immediate family (about 14 people) to a restaurant and I paid for everything.

As other PPs have said, ask the organiser. Yes, it is something to do with earnings - clearly rich people can afford to host, less rich people might do it with fewer people or on fewer occasions, others of us expect to organise and split the bill. There's no shame in asking - especially if it's an expensive restaurant or you haven't the money that month.

And I can't be the only one who has gone to a meal, drunk water and eaten one course (because I couldn't afford anything more) and then be told it's £40 since we're all sharing the bill. Restaurants need to come up with a solution!

I've only ever received one invitation like this, and the person who invited us paid.

This was my first thought...but then my second was that they were very clear on the invitation that it was their treat. Agree with a pp that it depends how the invitation is worded.

I'm interested in knowing what people expect at a function for a birthday? (We are having one for a birthday) How do people organise that? Organise a pub to do a cash bar? Put lots of drink out for people to help themselves? (I don't want to be bar maid! ) it's using a hall, although licensed doesn't have a bar.
How much do people drink at these things? (I'm teetotal! )
Food is provided.

It would depend on circumstances but if I or my husband invite people out for a celebration meal, we expect to pay for everyone. We are not especially well off so would tend to keep it to a modest meal and small numbers. I realise that some friends are not in a position to pay for us when they invite us (and will insist on splitting the bill) but am disappointed if friends who lead relatively extravagant lifestyles don't pay if they have issued an invitation. I get fed up when I am expected to pay for a portion of the birthday girl/boy's meal unless that has been made clear beforehand (and can budget accordingly).

It would be very rude if the hosts expected you to pay but be prepared to nonetheless.

It is similar to people who have large weddings but don't provide alcohol for the guests and have a cash bar. If you cant afford to wine and dine your guests then invite less people.

I would expect to Be paying for my own meal and drinks and also a drink for the host.

I'd expect to pay for my own and the birthday persons meal to be spilt between everyone so that the person whose birthday it is doesn't pay at all.

The only thing I don't understand is why at least one or two posters always feel compelled to post "why wouldn't you have the same opinion as me, I don't understand how this is a question"

The old fashioned way used to be that if you invite people you are the host and you pay. This is still very much the norm in other parts of Europe, where if invitations or inviting people is mentioned the host is clearly offering/ expecting to pay.

Given those two facts it's hardly surprising some people aren't sure where they stand!

However it's obviously safest to expect to have to pay slightly more than the cost of your own meal (as in to assume a most expensive scenario of splitting the bill between guests and host not paying at all) before accepting so as not to be caught out!

Formally inviting people and not planning to pay smacks of organising yourself a big hen do or a baby shower and expecting your guests to find you and shower attention and gifts on you to me... Surely if you aren't offering to pay you keep it casual... But it seems to be increasingly normal to demand to be fêted and have others pay.

*fund

Only one of my mates had ever paid for the bill on his bday, but it was a complete surprise and we were all ready to pay for our own food and drinks

I always assume I am paying for myself.

Most in my friend group always pay for everyone if it's a birthday or similar but I would never expect this

Everyone pays for themselves and the Birthday boys/girls share is split between you.

Bill split between everyone (even the birthday person) unless some people have lobster and shit loads of drink and you have something less swish in which case keep rough track of what you spend, round it up by a few quid and chuck that in at the end with a "that covers mine" (don't forget your tip too)

I get so fed up of people hoofing truffles and champagne while I eat pretty cheap food and being expected to foot their bill aswell. No chance.

Lol I've invited friends to come for a meal on my birthday, I never ever considered that they might think I'm the one who's paying.

It would be very rude if the hosts expected you to pay but be prepared to nonetheless

It's funny how places do things differently. 'birthday meals' are a popular thing here, everyone pays their own way, maybe gets the birthday person a drink and a gift. It would be considered ludicrous for the birthday person to pay for everyone.

Now a function is different. That usually involves a paid buffet.

You should expect to pay for everything you consume.

But that's not an invitation, Titanz, it's a casual request for friends to meet you to have food together.

Perhaps we just need a different word for what this is rather than the misusing of the word 'invitation', because it isn't one. The 'meet up and pay for yourself' thing is very much commonplace now but it's not an invitation in those circumstances and the requester isn't the host.

I really agree with drinkingtea; I think the world has changed with the advent of social media and everything becoming so casual.

I have European family too and it's never been anything else - you invite - and pay for your guests. End of. Casual gatherings are just that but nobody's hosting in that event. All perfectly lovely but different.

Maybe lying, but then again an invitation for me (and my social circle, hell everyone I've ever associated with) is just a way of asking someone to come somewhere. It doesn't mean someone is going to be paying. I'm not sure it's a misuse given the definition of 'inviting' someone to do something doesn't come with a financial caveat. Certain invitations people will assume it's paid for, such as weddings etc, but adult birthday meals aren't in that.

My post was to your first, Titanz. It's not ludicrous to expect the birthday person to pay IF they've issued INVITATIONS (verbal or written).

Be really clear about what you mean... that's good advice for everybody. I'm always really clear, possibly because I've read the doubt on here but I wasn't in doubt before and still am not - if I invite, I will host and pay for everybody that I invited.

Like I said, it's interesting how different groups of people have different expectations

My post was to your first, Titanz. It's not ludicrous to expect the birthday person to pay IF they've issued INVITATIONS

yes, and as I've said, that's not how it works here, verbal invitation or actual written invites; everyone knows each individual attendee pays for their own meal when it's a birthday meal. It's just a sociological norm here, doesn't mean its right or wrong.

Which one are you OP? The person who stiffed on the bill or the one who got stiffed on the bill?