or unfair to my Mum?

[DorothyL]

So dd1 got her gcse results last Thursday which were excellent. She worked very hard all through the year and we were delighted.

My mum lives abroad and doesn't fully understand the English system, but well enough. She is very involved in my nieces' and nephew's upbringing because their parents are hopeless (long story) and in phone calls we often discuss my nephew's latest test scores etc. My dad died years.
Another bit of background, my brother doesn't talk to my mum because he feels she was unfair to him in his separation from my SIL (again, long story, but I fully support my mum in this) - my mum really struggles with this and regularly gets very upset.

Anyway - so my mum was on holiday on results day with my SIL and my nephew and nieces, staying at her sister's. Dd texted her a photo of the results sheet with a message. My mum replied with "Congratulations" (in German, so two words, but that was it)
Later on that day she also texted me to say "congrats to the proud parents as well, and congrats from everyone here"

Now the aibu bit - aibu to have felt a bit hurt and disappointed on dd's behalf at this? Is it wrong to think she could have phoned or at least sent a longer message, saying something like "wow, well done"?

Yesterday my mum returned from holiday and she phoned and it was clear she had no intention of doing/saying anything else, she didn't even mention the results, so I told her I was disappointed and she was in floods of tears - because then it all goes to "I try so hard and now you start on me as well as your brother"...and she said she had told everyone about dd's results but I said how does dd know that?

Was I right or should I have just left it?

What did your DD think? This is about her , not about you?

Wow. That's a massive over reaction on your part.

What else did you expect? When DD did well in her GCSEs last year various family members texted well done or congratulations. Neither DD nor I expected anything else.

Get a grip.

So a grandmother wouldn't be likely to send a card or phone?

She texted back congratulations.

You probably got a long text later as she wasnt as busy.

I think you have been really harsh and i am not surprises she feels she cant do anything right.

Dd said it was rather minimal but she's not one to get upset about things like this.

I think you need to consider the context of my children always being the grandchildren who got less attention because my mum invests so much in my nephew and nieces.

Don't think either grandmother sent a card to any of mine. Not sure there was a big song and dance phone call either. Whilst it's exciting for your daughter and for you, outside that few are that bothered.

You shouldn't be telling your mother off.

So a grandmother wouldn't be likely to send a card or phone?

No. I would expect 'congratulations'.

Which you got. I am 35 and i dont remember my grandparents doing or saying anything. They probably did say congratulations. I adored them. I didnt expect anything.

To be honest, you all sound like hard work. She wished her congrats. Twice. And from everyone. I mean seriously. You're both over reacting. You want more, she's crying. I think you all have to step back and grow up.

She congratulated them.

It also sounds like she provides more/different support to the other grandchildren because they need that due to circumstances. Your DD is lucky that she gets the support and help at home.

You can't treat everyone the same if they aren't all starting on an equal footing

I think you need to consider the context of my children always being the grandchildren who got less attention because my mum invests so much in my nephew and nieces.

Not really. Its part of living in a different country.

Your dd isnt upset. She got a text, you got a text.

If dd wantes to speak to her, she cpuld have called her and told ger over the phone. Since your dd started the converstation over text, its perfectly acceptable to reply by text.

You've hugely overreacted here and I think you need to apologise to your mum. There really was no need for you to get involved in this, if your dd was unhappy with your mum's reaction (which it sounds like she wasn't) then that's for her to deal with. You steaming in and saying something to your mum was out of line and unnecessary.

Why do you and your mum discuss your DN and DN? Just Why?

I understand you telling your mum and SIL talking your mum about stuff but it's not for your mum to pass on

We'd only get a well done so no cardbor gift

I'm sorry but this sounds much more like you feeling upset because you perceive her as more invested in your DNs than you DC. That's fair enough to a point but utterly understandable in the situation you decried.

She did send congratulations to dd and to you so she didn't ignore anyone. So sadly YABU and it was mean to make her upset over it.

Also fair and equal arent the same thing.

Due to circumstance, my parents do more for my dbro, sil and their kids. We dont need the same level of support. Good job as they wouldnt be able to give it to all of us.

I am neither resentful or waiting to prove to my parents that my kids dont matter to them. My parents love all their grandkids. But circumstances mean they have more to do with the others.

It's hard when, as you say, you don't know the background, as the background is often the key thing that influences the way you feel about any specific situation. (I know that sounds waffly, but hope you know what I mean!). That said, as an outsider without that background and just reading your post cold, my first reaction was also "What else did you expect?". DD texted - she chose the medium of communication- and her grandmother replied promptly. And then followed up later. I can't see a problem with that. So I would say that you are reacting to the wider situation rather than your mother having been unreasonable on this particular occasion. Not sure that helps - sorry!

YABU.

What more is there to say? Your DD isn't upset and you need to get a grip.

And your DM caring for your nieces and nephews is not a slight on your daughter. She didn't need the extra attention because she had you.

My mum likes to discuss my dn's and I go along with it because it's what she's interested in.

No, a 'congratulations' text is totally normal.

You say in your update that you feel your mum gives your nieces and nephews more attention. Clearly that's what this is actually about.

"So a grandmother wouldn't be likely to send a card or phone?"

No. The only card DD got was from us, which she was a little surprised about. Nobody else sent her any, nor did she expect any.

In any case DD's granny has alzheimers and doesn't even know what GCSEs are.

You both need to lower your expectations.

Yabu. Your DD isn't bothered, so why are you.

Massive overreaction, I feel sorry for your mother.

You are overreacting.

When DS1 got his GCSE results, which were excellent, I phoned my mum and she said "Yeah, well he's had no life for the past 2 years!" . That was because he did better than the golden grandchildren.

I know where you're coming from, btw, because my children have always been the afterthoughts on both sides, but it's easier to just not expect too much and then you're not disappointed when nothing happens. Although saying that, PILs are always sending DS2 cards at uni when he does well in exams.

Also, the medium of communication is relevant. You and your DD are happy to communicate big news to her by text, but expect her to lay on fanfares and a marching band in reply.

Jeez... what a major over reaction!

Matilda has hit the nail on the head I think. For whatever reasons you perceive (and this may be the actual case) that gm is more invested in the gc she lives nearer. Sounds like your dd isn't that bothered. I think congratulations is plenty unless she was off planning parties and gifts for her other gc when they passed exams.