or unfair to my Mum?

[DorothyL]

So dd1 got her gcse results last Thursday which were excellent. She worked very hard all through the year and we were delighted.

My mum lives abroad and doesn't fully understand the English system, but well enough. She is very involved in my nieces' and nephew's upbringing because their parents are hopeless (long story) and in phone calls we often discuss my nephew's latest test scores etc. My dad died years.
Another bit of background, my brother doesn't talk to my mum because he feels she was unfair to him in his separation from my SIL (again, long story, but I fully support my mum in this) - my mum really struggles with this and regularly gets very upset.

Anyway - so my mum was on holiday on results day with my SIL and my nephew and nieces, staying at her sister's. Dd texted her a photo of the results sheet with a message. My mum replied with "Congratulations" (in German, so two words, but that was it)
Later on that day she also texted me to say "congrats to the proud parents as well, and congrats from everyone here"

Now the aibu bit - aibu to have felt a bit hurt and disappointed on dd's behalf at this? Is it wrong to think she could have phoned or at least sent a longer message, saying something like "wow, well done"?

Yesterday my mum returned from holiday and she phoned and it was clear she had no intention of doing/saying anything else, she didn't even mention the results, so I told her I was disappointed and she was in floods of tears - because then it all goes to "I try so hard and now you start on me as well as your brother"...and she said she had told everyone about dd's results but I said how does dd know that?

Was I right or should I have just left it?

I have two children - I would never treat their children so differently.

You can not say that and know its true 100%. Circumstances may mean they need different levels of support or help.

The ops mum can never do the same

Because she is doing her best for 2 kids who have shit parents and need more support

And she lives in another country to the op.

As i said, my dbro and sil get loads more support than me. Because they need it. It doesnt bothee me at all. It doesnt bother the kids.

Op the issue with dripfeeding it just sounds like you are not getting the answers you want. You have not acknowledged that you could have over reacted at all and just keep justifying it.

Your mum is under a lot of pressure and if she backs off the other grandkids, its going to impact them.

She has her son who doesnt talk to her for doing the right thing, she is trying to make sure 2 of her grandkids have a decent life and now you having a go over nothing.

Put yourself in her shoes and have sone empathy. She is trying her best. And a text is very much the norm for alot of people.

Its never going to be equal.

Maybe if you weren't in different countries, if she were staying with you when the results came, DM would have reacted more.
If the parents are as hopeless as you say perhaps she feels your DNs need extra fuss.
Sorry but I think you should have left it.

Is it really too much to expect her to occasionally ask how my dc are, to ask them a couple of questions when visiting and to maybe show a bit of enthusiasm for a great achievement? When I otherwise support her and listen etcetc?

Your poor mother, she can't do right, for doing wrong.
Ring her, and tell her how you feel, regarding your nieces and nephews.
If she hadn't replied to your daughters text, I'd be on side, but she did, not only that, she did it straight away. Cut her some slack.

Gosh, this isn't going well, is it.

Op: Aibu
Mn: yes
Op: no I'm not, add this to the equation
Mn : still unreasonable
Op: ok what about this
Mn: nope still unreasonable
Op: what about this then
Mn : no you're being unreasonable, accept it
Op: no I'm not, what about this also
Mn: ok, op, you're not being unreasonable. Your mums an uncaring unthoughtful bitch and your brother and sister in law horrendous. On,y you are right . Happy?
Op: yes thanks.

You've had a lot of nasty replies on this thread.

I think it would be nice for her to have sent more than a extremely brief text. My mum sent my stepson a card, even though he doesn't see her very often. But it's not something I would have mentioned or fallen out with her over.

It does seem unfair that she takes your nieces and nephews out for meals and spends more time with them, but I'm sure it's just partly geographical (and that's why she talks about them more, because she knows them better and is in their lives more) and partly down to the fact that she perhaps feels they need it more as they have had problems in their family due to their mum and dad splitting up and the division in the family.

At the end of the day your daughter isn't bothered, or so it seems, so I'd not worry. I'd ring your mum and apologise - say you were just disappointed for DD but it's not a big deal or worth falling out over.

Your mums an uncaring unthoughtful bitch

Not what I said

I have texted my mum to apologise for the phone call and to say let's just forget about it

Please ignore my repeat posts.
She actually once said to me that was disappointed I didn't show more enthusiasm about my dn's achievements.
Did you challenge her, say what was on your mind?
If she cries when you do raise things I can see it must be difficult.

I suspect a simple "Congratulations. Next time we are together, I will take you for a meal to celebrate"
would have made OP very happy.
Not asking much imho.

I think she could have shown more interest and managed a card or even a present.

Donkey, it's hard to talk to her because she reacts very emotionally. I did say then that I thought it was asking too much of me.

By 'not caring' that still having feeling about the situation. No doubt you have protected them from it for a long time.

My MIL was the same - and my children noticed from and early age

For example more photos of DN his toys round their house, take him to football or swimming etc - he was always there when we visited, never any time for mine to get their full attention etc.

Mine never want to visit now, I don't blame them.

If you or DD had made a phonecall to announce the results then maybe you would have felt the warmth of her reaction in her voice. Texts are hard to read with the intended emotion.
If you had wanted a bigger reaction, perhaps a text wasnt the way to go. I can just imagine the grandparent posting an AIBU to only find out my granddaughter's results by text (I'm being light-hearted here).
On another note though, I don't think I even told my grandparents my results. I loved them but don't think it was the kind of thing they really knew much about.
That being said my parents think my DD is the absolute centre of their world and an absolute genius. I dread to think how they'll react 😂

Yababu as I think it's just been a misunderstanding and also to say congratulations really is enough.

Donkey, it's hard to talk to her because she reacts very emotionally

Typical sign of stress. She's very likely stressed out with the major part she has to play in still having to help bring up her son's children. She's spreading herself thin, and likely feels guilty about it. I would think she knows it seems unfair but there's not a hell of a lot she can do about it. She's definitely got her plate full, no doubt about that.
It's not surprising any criticism (or what appears to be criticism) can bring her to tears. Sometimes people under great stress can appear to be inconsiderate, but mostly are trying to hold everything together. Cut her some slack.

To be honest, you all sound like hard work. She wished her congrats. Twice. And from everyone. I mean seriously. You're both over reacting. You want more, she's crying. I think you all have to step back and grow up.

This ^

YABU OP.

Dynamics are always going to change when a grand parent becomes more of a parental figure. My DB and SIL slowly became parent figures of their first grandson when their daughter could not cope. It fractured the family dynamics for years. Boundaries of child/ grandchild was blurred and the further Grandchildren of both their daughters it was never clear as their was more of a uncle relationship than a sibling and cousins relationship.

Well I've apologised, she's accepted.

👍OP

OP I completely get where you are coming from. It can be really disappointing when your parents don't show as much interest in your children as they do other grandchildren. I'm in the same position. I just change the subject when my parents go on about them and what they have done with them.

Donkey, it's hard to talk to her because she reacts very emotionally

Have you considered you may be quite alike in that respect?

I am glad you have resolved this particular issue, but it does sound like there is an underlying resentment which you might want to think about.

I think kids don't notice these things very much when it comes to grandparents, especially those that live far away.

I would avoid bias-ing your kids against your mom based on your own resentments. Kids pick up on our feelings and tend to mirror them, and there is no benefit to them in resenting their grandmother.

When people on MN remark about their kids being upset at this or that, often times that is the poster's projection and the kid doesn't give a rat's ass about the situation.

I have texted my mum to apologise for the phone call and to say let's just forget about it

Oh I dont think you have or will forget about it.
You mean let's just sweep it under the carpet until next time.
It would help if actually spoke to her instead of texting. It would also help if you explained to your mother how you feel about everything you have complained about. I mean explain,...not have a go at her or accuse her. There's nothing wrong in feelings but you can't blame other people for them.

Is this a joke? How petty and needy. Grow the f up.

Your mistake was posting on AIBU, which is a bit like putting yourself in the oldfashioned stocks so crude folk can throw rotten vegetables at you.

It's perfectly possible to disagree without being unpleasant, though I myself think your mum could have at least sent a card.