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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or unfair to my Mum?

133 replies

DorothyL · 28/08/2017 09:05

So dd1 got her gcse results last Thursday which were excellent. She worked very hard all through the year and we were delighted.

My mum lives abroad and doesn't fully understand the English system, but well enough. She is very involved in my nieces' and nephew's upbringing because their parents are hopeless (long story) and in phone calls we often discuss my nephew's latest test scores etc. My dad died years.
Another bit of background, my brother doesn't talk to my mum because he feels she was unfair to him in his separation from my SIL (again, long story, but I fully support my mum in this) - my mum really struggles with this and regularly gets very upset.

Anyway - so my mum was on holiday on results day with my SIL and my nephew and nieces, staying at her sister's. Dd texted her a photo of the results sheet with a message. My mum replied with "Congratulations" (in German, so two words, but that was it)
Later on that day she also texted me to say "congrats to the proud parents as well, and congrats from everyone here"

Now the aibu bit - aibu to have felt a bit hurt and disappointed on dd's behalf at this? Is it wrong to think she could have phoned or at least sent a longer message, saying something like "wow, well done"?

Yesterday my mum returned from holiday and she phoned and it was clear she had no intention of doing/saying anything else, she didn't even mention the results, so I told her I was disappointed and she was in floods of tears - because then it all goes to "I try so hard and now you start on me as well as your brother"...and she said she had told everyone about dd's results but I said how does dd know that?

Was I right or should I have just left it?

OP posts:
OverOn · 28/08/2017 09:38
  • I feel a bit sorry for your DM
BeyondThePage · 28/08/2017 09:38

My DD texted her results to hers and got "Congratulations" texted by 3 of her grandmothers (totally "extended" family here). So - completely normal.

Auspiciouspanda · 28/08/2017 09:42

Well I think if she takes the others out for meals she needs to make a bit more effort then a text.

I can completely understand that if you live closer to someone you'll have more involvement with them but I do think you should make a bit of effort with your other children to make them feel as important.

MudCity · 28/08/2017 09:43

Congratulations by text is sufficient acknowledgement.

Your daughter has you to celebrate her achievements. I wouldn't expect anything from anyone else.

gingerbeerd · 28/08/2017 09:45

I can understand that you feel like your DD is being left out, most parents centre their children as their priority.

However, YADBU. She can't take you & your DD to dinner when you're in separate countries, and she was probably also just enjoying her holiday...

Pillowaddict · 28/08/2017 09:48

Pp are being unnecessarily harsh. I understand your being upset at lack of focus on your dd for once when she has had a big achievement. And as for nonsense of over saturation of celebration/cards - exam results come two or three times in your school life it's not like op is expecting a fanfare for her dd weekly! I think you're right to raise it as one example of the overall inequality of attention your dd experiences. And that doesn't mean I'm being heartless about your dn and dn, seems there may be almost a kinship care situation where she offers more of a supportive parenting role to them, but that doesn't mean she can't offer care and support to her other grandchild!

NerrSnerr · 28/08/2017 09:49

A text is normal. Sounds like you've massively overreacted. If you have issues with the way your parents treat you then talk to them, but don't drag your daughter into it. It'll be a long few years if you react like this after driving test, a A levels, degrees and any other achievements.

stargazer2030 · 28/08/2017 09:51

Hi. Regardless of what others have said it is very hurtful when grandparents don't treat there grandchildren equally. I am guessing this is the latest in a long line of things. You can only try and not let it get to you.
I do think her reaction was okay to be honest so try not to dwell on it.

Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 09:52

Of course she can't take my dc out for dinner, but as a pp said couldn't she make up for it in some other way?

Yes my dc are not that bothered but just in a "that's grandma" kind of way - they know she'll even talk to them about dn's schooling when we visit but will ask them next to nothing about their lives.

OP posts:
Auspiciouspanda · 28/08/2017 09:52

Would it really have been so hard to ban a fiver in a card or transfer some money over so the grandchild could get a treat for her exam results? Especially when she takes her other grandchildren out in celebration of reports.

Ffs make an effort a text is not the only thing you could do if you live abroad.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 09:54

Op you dont think there is even a chance that youvare unreasonable or that you have been unfair on your mum. Why post?

Gottagetmoving · 28/08/2017 09:54

Over sensitive and over reacting.
Maybe you should let people know what you expect from them so they can be who you think they should be instead of who they are. Hmm

I don't think your DM did anything wrong.

Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 09:55

How do you know that gorgosparta? I am currently contemplating how to contact my mum and build bridges. But yes I will try and explain my position, otherwise why would I have had it?

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 09:57

Because you arent taking anything in board, just drip feeding more information to make yourself more reasonable.

The people you should be pissed with is sil and your brother. That they put so much pressure on your mum by being useless

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/08/2017 09:58

Sorry but I think you should have left it.
As for grandmother lavishing more attention on your nephew and nieces,
if the parents are as "hopeless" as you say they are, then your mother probably feels their DCs need the extra fuss.
Plus had she been staying with you at the time the results came, she might have enthused more.

Softkitty2 · 28/08/2017 09:59

This is more about you than your dd.
Your mothers relationship with your nieces and nephews is none of your business.

Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 10:00

Oh I'm mad with them alright. ( brother and SIL)

But yes I'm trying to add information to show where I'm coming from, why is that wrong?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2017 10:01

they know she'll even talk to them about dn's schooling when we visit but will ask them next to nothing about their lives.

You see, Dorothy, I think this is a different - and actually perfectly reasonable - beef. I can relate to this one a little as my MIL, on the rare occasions we see her, will regale us all with tales of my DH'S brother's family. I don't know whether to perceive this as a lack of interest, or whether it's just her way of trying to join in the conversation. If your mum sees a lot more of your brother's kids, it could just be that that is what she has to talk about (IYSWIM), so that's just her way of making conversation with your kids and trying to use her own experience to relate to them. It's still quite irritating, even so, but it doesn't necessarily mean a lack of interest.

Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 10:02

Softkitty you'd think so but my mum wants me in a way to take my dad's place in sharing her intense interest and joy in/about the dn's, while not bothering much at all with my dc, and that makes it odd. She actually once said to me that was disappointed I didn't show more enthusiasm about my dn's achievements.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 28/08/2017 10:03

Can't people see that if the OP sees her mum and all she hears is how well her nieces and nephews are doing, how they went out for meals to celebrate results and then when she tells her mum about her daughter - the other granddaughter - all she gets is 'Congratulations' that the OP will be miffed?

I have two children - I would never treat their children so differently.

cdtaylornats · 28/08/2017 10:04

What do you expect her to do when your DD gets a degree sacrifice something? I suggest a goat for a 2/1 or a cow for a first, anything less a hamster.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2017 10:07

Yes I agree she's being unfair - it grates

Why not speak to her and say how upset your children are that she shows so little interest in them?

Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 10:08

Imperial, that's the thing - would posters here think that they would be happy to share attention out this way with their grandchildren?

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 28/08/2017 10:09

GreenTulips, it wouldn't be true - my dd's are teenagers and they just don't care anymore, which is sadder in a way.

OP posts:
grandOlejukeofYork · 28/08/2017 10:11

I think you need to consider the context of my children always being the grandchildren who got less attention because my mum invests so much in my nephew and nieces

I think you need to consider the context of your mother having to parent one set of grandchildren because their own parents are, in your own words, hopeless. So she doesn't have the room to act in a parental manner to your children who already have you, and possibly a second decent parent.

How about looking at it from her point of view? And then apologising.

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