or unfair to my Mum?

[DorothyL]

So dd1 got her gcse results last Thursday which were excellent. She worked very hard all through the year and we were delighted.

My mum lives abroad and doesn't fully understand the English system, but well enough. She is very involved in my nieces' and nephew's upbringing because their parents are hopeless (long story) and in phone calls we often discuss my nephew's latest test scores etc. My dad died years.
Another bit of background, my brother doesn't talk to my mum because he feels she was unfair to him in his separation from my SIL (again, long story, but I fully support my mum in this) - my mum really struggles with this and regularly gets very upset.

Anyway - so my mum was on holiday on results day with my SIL and my nephew and nieces, staying at her sister's. Dd texted her a photo of the results sheet with a message. My mum replied with "Congratulations" (in German, so two words, but that was it)
Later on that day she also texted me to say "congrats to the proud parents as well, and congrats from everyone here"

Now the aibu bit - aibu to have felt a bit hurt and disappointed on dd's behalf at this? Is it wrong to think she could have phoned or at least sent a longer message, saying something like "wow, well done"?

Yesterday my mum returned from holiday and she phoned and it was clear she had no intention of doing/saying anything else, she didn't even mention the results, so I told her I was disappointed and she was in floods of tears - because then it all goes to "I try so hard and now you start on me as well as your brother"...and she said she had told everyone about dd's results but I said how does dd know that?

Was I right or should I have just left it?

“Why do you and your mum discuss your DN and DN? Just Why?”

GreenTulips it’s normal for families to discuss each other. MIL talks about my SIL and her children to me (or rather she used to before she developed alzheimers )

I think since she acknowledged her results twice via txt that really is enough. I can't remember my grandparents sending a card etc for any exam results, they attended a meal with us to celebrate my graduation from uni but that's it.

People miss interpret text messages. She sent congratulations and in her way of texting that was adequate and showed how pleased she was. She even tardy you about it later which shows she was still thinking about it and happy for you and your d
You however need more in a text and when you write short texts you are less bothered and write long texts when you are excited. That is you and not everyone.
You need to stop being so sensitive and read a text as it's sent not with unsaid rules.
You are being unreasonable and you have caused upset for no reason.
You made your d think that your Mother was mean when she hadn't , you upset your mother and as she's with your family they all prob think your over the top.
You are being a bit of a diva over this.

Depends on family dynamics. My Mum would have phoned or Facetimed crying and beaming with pride.

Text not tardy

Well she takes my dn's out for meals when they get their reports

I think yes the root is that I'm always spending loads of time talking about the dn's successes and failures so I wanted to talk about my dd for once to my mum!

Bloody hell OP, you sound really hard work!
She said congratulations, what more do you want?! Sounds like you just want a reason to be annoyed with her tbh.

You overreacted massively. You should apologise. YABU

I think also there is some sibling rivalry here, competing against brother for mums attention, and showing how well kids have done. It's difficult but there comes a time when you have to try to grow up and let that go.

You can't bring your daughter into this fucked up dynamic. She's fine, so deal with your own issues without her involvement.

YABU, sorry. I didn't grow up in the UK although I'm aware of GCSEs. In my home country exams taken at 15/16 aren't given that much fanfare. Graduating from school/university acceptance/etc are where the big effort is made.

"Wow well done" = "congratulations"

YABU

I wanted to talk about my dd for once to my mum

So it's nothing to do with her congratulating your daughter. It is about you and her v your brother and his kids.

A card?!

A card that will end up in the bin in a weeks time? Other than cards being entirely wasteful (different rant) if they are sent for every single expression of praise they become entirely meaningless!!

Also, the medium of communication is relevant. You and your DD are happy to communicate big news to her by text, but expect her to lay on fanfares and a marching band in reply.

This!!!!!!!

Your DNs are part of your mother life more, they are her gossip, her news. My MIL talks about her youngest GD all the time, because SIL includes her in ways others can not. SIL dog gets mentioned a lot as well, she is making conversation about what is happening in her life, personally I prefer this as otherwise it would be the church, or who has recently died.

Also, massive drip feed about DM's behaviour towards nieces and nephews. Thread not going your way?

Well she takes my dn's out for meals when they get their reports

Ffs, maybe she does. She doesnt live near you and has more involvment (for good reasons) with them.

This woman has her son who doesnt talk to her because she is trying to dobthe right thing by 2 of her grandkids.

And her daughter is having a paddy because she lives in another country and isnt as involved with the grandchild that resides in a different country.

Has it occures to you she has a lot on and is stressed and just trying her best.

I agree the fact that the result was text over to her means text is the suitable method to reply.

Congratulatory text message is fine. Your mother is very pleased for your dd.

A card is unnecessary. And different people are allowed to express congratulations in different ways.

Revel in your dd's success. Well done!

Jesus you sound like massive hard work OP, your mum said congratulations what more do you want?? You need to apologise to her, she's done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever, you sound incredibly needy and attention seeking

Card? No, didn't get any kind of card after any of my exams, even from my parents. Neither did anyone I knew.

Phone call? Your DD texted her. GM texted back. If DD wanted a phone conversation, she should have rung her instead, or asked GM to call her in the text. I would have assumed she was out celebrating.

But she can't just take your DD out for a meal if she is in another country.

DD's cousins live near their grandmother. It stands to reason that she sees more of them than DD.

I understand that it's the comparison here, but remind yourself that her involvement with her other dgc is because she is practically having to parent them. She doesn't have to pore over your children's every test because she is confident you are doing a good job.
I remember phoning my grandma back in the 1980s to tell her my A-level results (AAA, pretty good back then when my Cambridge offer was only AAB). She responded with "Oh well done! ... Is that good then?".
She was very happy I'd done well but I don't think she sent anything and I didn't expect it.
Take it as a vote of confidence and don't let it mar the good news.

YABU. You Mum sent a congratulations text and later told you she had told everyone there. That's what we do in our family.

Could you have an underlying jealously towards your SIL as she gets more support from your DM?

In my family, an aunt is nicer to her DIL than own DD. Not because she prefers DIL, but because DIL is sensitive and aunt feels she has to be super nice in order to stay in her DGC lives. Shes more direct with DD and she hadn't stopped to think about how she is treating both differently.

I feel a boy sport for your DN - she's lost her DS, supporting DIL who she probably has to be a bit careful around, and now her DD is saying she feels unsupported. It must be hard with family dynamics like that.