or unfair to my Mum?

[DorothyL]

So dd1 got her gcse results last Thursday which were excellent. She worked very hard all through the year and we were delighted.

My mum lives abroad and doesn't fully understand the English system, but well enough. She is very involved in my nieces' and nephew's upbringing because their parents are hopeless (long story) and in phone calls we often discuss my nephew's latest test scores etc. My dad died years.
Another bit of background, my brother doesn't talk to my mum because he feels she was unfair to him in his separation from my SIL (again, long story, but I fully support my mum in this) - my mum really struggles with this and regularly gets very upset.

Anyway - so my mum was on holiday on results day with my SIL and my nephew and nieces, staying at her sister's. Dd texted her a photo of the results sheet with a message. My mum replied with "Congratulations" (in German, so two words, but that was it)
Later on that day she also texted me to say "congrats to the proud parents as well, and congrats from everyone here"

Now the aibu bit - aibu to have felt a bit hurt and disappointed on dd's behalf at this? Is it wrong to think she could have phoned or at least sent a longer message, saying something like "wow, well done"?

Yesterday my mum returned from holiday and she phoned and it was clear she had no intention of doing/saying anything else, she didn't even mention the results, so I told her I was disappointed and she was in floods of tears - because then it all goes to "I try so hard and now you start on me as well as your brother"...and she said she had told everyone about dd's results but I said how does dd know that?

Was I right or should I have just left it?

I'm going to go against the flow here and agree with OP. It sounds to me as if the results thing is the culmination of frustration on your part that she favours the other grandchildren. Her crying when you said how you felt is alarming - my mother used to do this so that it was impossible to ever challenge her over anything. In the end I realised that she was using tears as a way to not have to ever admit to hurting anyone or doing wrong. Obviously can't go into detail here but my DM definitely had narcissistic tendencies. I'm wondering if yours does too from the things you've said so far?

It's definitely not an easy relationship. My brother has always dominated as well.

Did you expect her to write a poem or something?

OP, you are continuing to drip feed.

I'm sorry you feel pushed to the side by your mother but I think you are overreacting about this.

I agree with the PP who suggested sitting down and talking to her about how you feel. And that's talking not messaging.

Gottagetmoving, I have tried to talk about it many times but to no avail.

I said to her yesterday she could have phoned. She said it didn't even occur to her. And yesterday she didn't mention dd at all for 15 minutes. Dd has worked so hard for this.

Isn't it virtually impossible not to dripfeed on forum like this? Just like ina rl conversation you would add details as you went along?

Big overreaction, sorry. A text is fine from a grandparent. It's one of those things that's a big deal to the parent and child but doesn't mean much to anyone else.

Dd said it was rather minimal but she's not one to get upset about things like this

Sounds like you could learn a thing or two from her.

My parents live 200 miles away. My sister lives near them. Their relationship with my nephew is massively different to the one they have with my daughter. They took him on holidays, had him stay at their house loads, bought him loads of stuff etc. They don't do this with my daughter because A) they are far away, B) they are ten years older than they were when Nephew was 8 C) now on a pension so have less ready cash D) Our girl has a disability so is much harder to look after than your average 8 year old.

Not once do I ever think they favoured him. At no point would it even occur to me she is less equal in their eyes.

You pretend that this is about your daughter and how she is missing out. She clearly doesn't care so why do you?

I assume that your mother is German? As a fellow German, I think it's wrong to feel hurt. If DD doesn't get upset about it, why do you?

Because I think it's unfair on my dc to have to listen to my mum analysing why my dn missed out on this or that grade while their grandmother shows no more than a cursory interest in them. No conversations with them about their life etc even when we visit for several weeks

CBA to RTFT, I think you should just be pleased that you have a hardworking, successful teenager and stop making a drama out of nothing.

Orangewasp, if you read the thread you can see I've apologised.

Because I think it's unfair on my dc to have to listen to my mum analysing why my dn missed out on this or that grade while their grandmother shows no more than a cursory interest in them

You see, Dorothy, I think this is your issue. In a nutshell. It's not the medium by which she communicated her specific congratulations to your DD. It's the fact that you feel she shows significantly less interest in your children than she does in your niece and nephew. And this is the point that you should probably address if it upsets you. But I think it's best done in a calm, non accusatory way. Because while for you, the "grade text" was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, for her (like for many people on here) it seems a rather strange over reaction to nothing in particular, because we don't understand the background or that there is a backlog of resentment on your part.

FWIW, I think you should address the issue with your mother. But I would keep the whole grade text episode out of it, unless she mentions it or pushes for specific examples of where you feel her treatment has been unequal.

You sound horrendously hard work.

She said congratulations. No, most people do not get cards for their results from Grandparents.

I can't believe you actually told her she didn't react enough.

Dorothy, I have a difficult Son, your mother really isn't the problem, it's your brother, he needs sorting. Try and turn your attentions his way, tell him to take the pressure off your mum, and to honour his own responsibilities.
P.S. Mean it girl !
I'm glad you spoke to your Mum, she confides in you, because you're there for her, which tells me, you're a good daughter. You can sort this.

I'll never understand how people on mn can decide somebody is "hard work" based on contributions to one thread!

I would take it up with my brother but he stopped talking to me two years ago...

When I did well in my exams and told my granny she responded "you did well because you have such a brilliant granny" She said that after each set of results through school and university. In the end I said "I don't remember you being in exam hall granny" and got a strip torn off me for being "too big for my boots". So it could have been worse!

You're not hard work Sweet, you're hurting.
Could you try again with your brother maybe ?

My mil has taken on an almost parental role to two of her Gdc. She is now in her eighties, in failing health and neither of these children were particularly successful academically and are struggling with early adulthood. I've spent the past two decades reminding Dh, and myself for that matter, that she was spread very thin and the demands on her really not fair and not anybody's fault.
But it has often felt unfair on my children and has taken self discipline not to rail against it sometimes. It's not easy and I do feel for the op. Your dd has you to celebrate with. Have fun with her.

I don't know, he's completely lost it with us and wants me to apologise for stuff I can't apologise for

So just to update, my mum and me are fine and she has written dd a lovely card.

Pretty sure no one asked me or congratulated me except my mum, brother, siblings and now husband and his parents because we got out results on the same day.

I think yabu.

That's lovely news DorothyL, just concentrate on the three of you, leave your selfish brother to his own devices.
Mums are precious.

That's very nice to hear :)