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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of perfect friend?

151 replies

Sienna333 · 27/08/2017 23:48

She is-

  1. Incredibly happy with her husband, it is his third family set up (Had kids with two other women) but they are blissfully happy and have been together for 14 years.
  2. Lots of friends and great social life.
  3. Lots of money and so lots of holidays and trips out.
  4. Both her and her husband are directors and have amazing jobs with flexible hours.
  5. Very close to her parents and sister
  6. Very beautiful
  7. Confident and outgoing

I probably sound like a bitch but it's tough at times being around her :(

OP posts:
BethennyFrankel · 27/08/2017 23:51

Good for her. It's fine to be envious but go and get the same for yourself if you want it!

bbcessex · 27/08/2017 23:53

Is she a good friend?
Does she listen to you / support you?
Is she dependable and reliable?

If so, YABU

Original poster
Sienna333 · 27/08/2017 23:55

When I have confided in her, I can see she just doesn't get it. She tries but lack of finances, worries about appearance and job security are issues she could never relate to.

OP posts:
catbas · 28/08/2017 00:00

That's not her fault though, she sounds like she's a decent friend if she tries, my friends haven't been through the same things as me but they've still tried regardless. I understand totally where you're coming from by the way, it's natural to feel envious of others who have something you don't see yourself as having, but if she's a good friend I'd try not to let It affect your friendship, we all have our own problems x

heartstornastray · 28/08/2017 00:02

Some people really seem to have it all, but life won be perfect for her Op, it never is.

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 00:03

She sounds nice but lucky! However comparison is the thief of joy. You are just as valuable and special.

Right. Back to you! List 10 things you feel positive about.

oldlaundbooth · 28/08/2017 00:04

Let me guess, this is all on fbook?

RWBY · 28/08/2017 00:14

Your friend may appear to have a perfect life, but she may be trying to portray the best aspects of her life. Who wants to come out and say 'my life is shit and the only thing getting me through the day is this perfect snapshot of my seemingly perfect life' I may well be wrong, she may have a lovely life. Try not to compare OP. Easier said than done, I know. But try not to judge yourself against a self curated ideal life

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 28/08/2017 00:25

So she has TWO of DH's exes to deal with? If that's the case, I seriously doubt her life is as rosy as it may seem.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 28/08/2017 00:29

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Sometimes when I go to see friend with amazing new house, I come home a bit down and feel resolved to make our home the best it can be!

WristBitch · 28/08/2017 00:30

Just because she looks happy and comes across happy doesn't mean she is Smile

BackforGood · 28/08/2017 00:30

I was thinking the same as Spiteful

Nobody has a perfect life OP - you only ever see what you see, not the whole life.
Even if she did, then I can't understand why a friend wouldn't be happy for their friend - to know they are happy.

If you go through life comparing, you will always find people in a 'better' position than you, just as you could find people who struggle more than you. You just need to balance out the people you compare yourself with if comparison makes you unhappy.

Titsywoo · 28/08/2017 00:32

Why are you jealous though? I have a friend exactly like this. I have never felt jealous of her but I am very happy with my life. Are you unhappy with how things are for you?

sobeyondthehills · 28/08/2017 00:32

I have posted this before but I have a friend who I am at times I am jealous of. She has 2 children (I am struggling to get pregnant for the second time) She has her dream job (not mine) she lives in a big house, her husband is amazingly supportive and they don't seem to argue

What has she been through? Sexual assault, rape, ongoing mental health problems, her and her husband are a normal couple, so I am sure they argue, she has worked damn hard to get her dream job.

I an close enough to be able to say to her once I envy her life. Her simple answer was but did you want to go through the shit before hand.

No, not a fucking chance. She is an amazing lady and I am fortunate to have her in my life.

StaplesCorner · 28/08/2017 00:39

I had a friend like this, initially we had great fund, but soon she wasn't quite as lovely as yours:

  1. Funded her lifestyle by her divorces, got the house mortgage free, working cash in hand, owned a business and got maintenance from 2 exes. As none of this was traceable she claimed full benefits.
  2. 3 kids she got bursaries, grants and all sorts as a result of being on benefits and then would say how wonderful it was that she had all this money coming in for her kids
  3. loved a freebie, cultivated friends who had a villa on the Algarve or who could get VIP tickets, that sort of thing. Refused to go to out as she was so busy but if you had anything free she'd be there at the drop of a hat.
  4. she too was beautiful, although most of all I envied her supportive and loving family who gave her (even more) money, took care of her kids and made sure she was never alone and worried about anything
  5. so with all that, plus three or four holidays a year (mostly paid for by someone else) I am not surprised that she was also confident and outgoing

She ghosted me in the end; I couldn't afford her lifestyle, she didn't want to hear about my woes and worries she said it was awful to be so negative! and easy to be positive with all that good stuff going on and cash coming in

Oh and yes, it was ALL on Facebook!

StaplesCorner · 28/08/2017 00:40

"great fun" not fund!

Carouselfish · 28/08/2017 00:57

YANBU. It's natural. I have the same thing but on a much smaller scale with a friend who has a few things I wish I had in my life ie. an easy going relationship they've had since their teens, an exciting life in the city, a job they enjoy etc. Some people have a lot of luck (although some of your friend's life must have been worked hard for, some IS just luck - not going to start saying she's 'blessed' as the trend is now, as I'm not religious). It doesn't always balance out with bad luck before or after either. Sometimes life is unfair.
So shrug that off, put a pin in it and then just look at ways you can steadily improve things in your life to stop you negatively comparing. Don't destroy the friendship through jealousy.

RedRedBluee · 28/08/2017 01:07

Life can be unfair and cruel.
I know someone exactly like you describe. She was a millionaire by her mid twenties. 10 years later she has terminal cancer and all the money in the world is not going to save her life. Sad
Count your blessings.

jacks11 · 28/08/2017 01:22

I think pointing out her life may not be all it seems/won't be "perfect' are missing the point a bit. People always say these things but I find the need to point out that she may really be miserable in some way quite sad and quite similar to being jealous.

Yes, her life may well not be as idyllic as you perceive or she portrays and all lives have it's ups and downs/nothing is perfect- but it is possible that OP's friend is genuinely fortunate in her marriage, family and career and is happy,

OP needs to focus on herself and try to improve her life as best she can- easier said than done, I know.

Henrysmycat · 28/08/2017 06:47

I'm the "other side", I have a wonderful DH, lovely DC,career, money, 2 holiday homes, our house when we bought it made the county news as one of the most expensive ones sold that month in Surrrey. Blah...blah. What people don't see when they say, I've been lucky in life? I lost my sister to Domestic abuse and I'll give all the materials things to have her back, my grief hasn't subsided even with therapy. It's been years yet, any giggling pair of women that look remotely similar shopping together sends me into the "black hole" because that could have been us. The rest of my immediate family is the same everyone blaming themselves for not being able to save her.
I had a happy childhood but we were very poor. I have ongoing battles with anxiety and recurring dreams of homelessness. At a low point I had a "spot" under the local bridge where I'd go live there if I became homeless. Many times, I climbed over the fence and sat there gauging how cold it would get during winter. I have other health issues that I don't share online but if you had a look you'd find pictures of our Fiji island holiday. My job pays 6-figures but nobody sees the daily sexism and misogyny I have to deal with obviously that's my choice but people see the £££ and nothing else.
On the outside, I'm wonderful. That's not always the case.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 07:20

Its all perspective.

From the outside

I am a high earner
Dh is a director and the company does very well
We both able to work around the kids and from home
Dh and i are very happy, been married 15 years and together since i was 19
Nice house
2 cars
1 or 2 holidays a year
I would say i am ok looking (not stunning just average) and a bit over weight, but people always seem to like me and I am popular.

My perspective is

My job is exhausting
I work round the the kids but often put in another 3 or 4 hours at night, when the kids are in bed. I leave at 6am to be at work for 6.30am also.

Dhs business has had plenty of years where its not even earned enough to pay a wage, this is in the years that i was not a high earner and was at home. Things were awful at several point. Dh also works when the kids are in bed.

Me and dh are happy, but had some awful timea and had counselling along the way. Our marriage is hapoy but not easy.

We nearly lost the nice house, a few times and its usually fairly untidy unless people are coming round.

We have 2 have 2 cars to have 2 jobs. Neither car is a luxury vehicle as its not our thing.

2 holidays is great, no downsides to those.

I am popular because i have to be. Its exhausting being approachable, measured, calm, friendly while also making sure that i am not so friendly people take the piss.

Also i suffer with depression and anxiety. I know my face is ok looking but hate my body, i am losing the weigh slowly. I was sexually abused as a child and it effects me now. I was severly bullied at work in my early 20s. My mum has severe mental health problems and i help look after her. She has form for disappearing and hurting herself. I was also helping care for my grandad until he died last year.

No one i know, knows the full story. I have few actual friends. Even then i dont talk about these things because i am incredibly private. I dont hide these things because i only show my highlight reel. I just dont feel comfortable off loading on someone.

I know this is a long post. But i am sayimg that your outside view may not be what she sees or feels.

Its not that people always hide the bad parts. They just dont want to share.

But also, so what if her life is perfect. She is your friend. Be happy for her.

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 07:54

OP it depends what your values in life are? What do you prize? Because I know someone like that but I don't feel jealous. Other people have different wonderful qualities that make them special. You do too.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 28/08/2017 07:56

She is his 3rd mrs..he has kids all over the shop..no her life isn't perfect and you know this which is why you mentioned that.

Gwilt160981 · 28/08/2017 08:00

Stop focusing on her life and focus on your own

Cherrytart6 · 28/08/2017 08:04

My cousin looks like she has everything on FB but the reality is different.