To be jealous of perfect friend?

[Sienna333]

She is-

1. Incredibly happy with her husband, it is his third family set up (Had kids with two other women) but they are blissfully happy and have been together for 14 years.
2. Lots of friends and great social life.
3. Lots of money and so lots of holidays and trips out.
4. Both her and her husband are directors and have amazing jobs with flexible hours.
5. Very close to her parents and sister
6. Very beautiful
7. Confident and outgoing

I probably sound like a bitch but it's tough at times being around her :(

I have friends like that. Married for years, never complain about their DH. Massive redundancy pay offs. Retired young. Mortgage free. Holidays, trips out all the time. I love them all dearly and have been friends with them for years but it's hard not to feel envious when their lives are so very different to mine. One childless (through choice) retired friend said recently to me that her and her husband have so much money they don't know what to do with it.

I am perfectly sure no one OUGHT to be jealous of me( without going into some horrible details). Nevertheless they have been.
So really, there is always someone we are jealous of.

I've not read the full thread but just wanted to mention that if you have a roof over your head and know where your next meal is coming from then I'm sure there are thousands of people all over the world who would consider you to be living the dream lifestyle too.

Try not to focus on what you don't have, learn to appreciate everything that you do.

You wouldn't envy me, I am struggling to keep my job because 2 of my 3 dc are disabled, one of whom we rarely take out because he is aggressive and not safe around other people. I grew up in an abusive household, was relieved when I got to be an adult so I could get away. One parent drank their way through my childhood while the other bullied and demeaned us.

But, get this, I'm really, really happy. My dh and I rarely argue because we are just naturally compatible. We make each other laugh, we love being around our kids, like where we live and genuinely feel grateful for everything we have.

I remember my mother saying that when we were all small and my folks were broke, there was a woman locally she really envied. Lovely looking, really nice clothes, obviously plenty of money, her own car, when neither of my folks could even think of one.

Then one day, after not seeing her for a while, she did, and the woman was badly disfigured after a serious stroke - half of her face paralysed.
My mother said that after that she tried never to be envious again - you never know what's around the corner for anyone.

You should try being me! My mate is very, very happily married to a rockstar! and she's utterly gorgeous and utterly wonderful. Funny, sweet, considerate...so annoying hahaha!!

You need to focus on your life. Also I think our friends represent different part of us. You maybe feel out of balance because you don't have a variety of friends to help you keep perspective. It's ok to have some friends much better off than us if we also compensate with friends a lot worse than us. Also if your friend is nice but she senses you envy her she won't confide in you when things don't go well for her, specially as she already mentioned you come across as negative. That is a bit of a sign, she has a demanding job and she can't afford to be any less than positive, that's the phase she is in and you need to respect that. Don't lose this friend but try to have others that will give you a more sympathetic ear, if that's what you need.

Don't judge other's outside to your inside!

Her life might seem perfect but it won't be OP.

I think its a little strange to emphasise the point that we dont know what someone has been through to get there, so there wealth may be hard earned or have a cloud in the silver lining so to speak...

how does that square up with those who have been through similar difficulties but are still struggling?

Just pondering really.

OP - i understand your frustration but i think it would be timely to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do, accept that you're not comfortable with it and use the spare energy to spur you on to build your own esteem. It will help massively.

the perfect aren't always so perfect.

should add i write this in the context of being the former wife of a very envious resentful man so might be overly analytical....

I've got someone in my life like this. I was so envious of her perfect life and perfect everything and tons of money.

Last year she confided in me that she suffers with crippling depression and has made numerous suicide attempts throughout her life. On the days that her 'amazing supportive family' appear at school plays and sports days it's because she can't get out of bed. It absolutely shocked me to the core and proved that you never know what you don't know and shouldn't judge OR envy based on appearances.

On the radio this morning there was a Danish man talking about happiness. The key to happiness is being part of a community- that could be your family, local community, whatever.

The key to unhappiness? Comparing yourself (and what you have) to other people. Bloody difficult though! Just try not to get sucked in, OP.

Shocked me in a good way, I want to add. Shocked me out of my stupid suppositions. I adore her more than ever and am in huge admiration of the way she holds her life together in a way that looks so amazing, despite what's going on for her behind closed doors. Envying people dehumanises them and that's really unfair. She's my hero. xx

Yes you are unreasonable you need to live your own life and not lust after someone else's you never know you may realise you've got a good life too.

I'm one on "the other side" - I am a happy go-lucky type, 2 lovely kids, fab DH, house, car, enough money to get by and a little bit more - so "comfortable".

Sometimes amongst friends I feel I'm boring. Nothing much of any note happens compared to their dramas, I've not been through any of the troubled times they have. I'm a good listener though.

gorgosparta excellent post! Puts it all in perspective.

This is nothing about her and all about you. You are deeply unhappy in your own situation if you are looking at others like that. Some people are not particularly well off and not particularly great looking and are still extremely happy, look forward to things, enjoy their less than perfect kids. But that isn't you right now, something is making you miserable. That's what you need to focus on. I so often hear especially single parents on mumsnet feeling resentful of other people's 'perfect' family lives, that in reality are just average family lives with ups and downs. But at the same time I can see if you are alone with little kids just how bleak that must feel at times and how bad it could make you feel to see others where you would choose to be.

You never know what goes on privately, behind closed doors. When a woman is perceived to be perfect or to have more money or higher status than other women, it is a very lonely place for her to be because many women just don't like feeling inadequate because of someone else's talents, looks or possessions.

I've been career successful in my life and have a happy marriage, comfortable lifestyle and a wonderful husband and kids. I've had to work very very hard for all of that, but I find that I have no close female friends to call on because I've found that many women can't handle what is only their perception of my perfect life. It makes them feel inadequate and they reject me. I can't help what I have, but I have it because I'm hardworking, I love others, I support my family and I like people. Those who reject me for the 'surface' perception they have of me don't see that I've had heartache, grief, poverty, weight gain, weight loss, malnourishment, difficult childbirths and the psychological effects of that, all of these hurdles in my life that have shaped me (literally and metaphorically) and made me appreciate what I have now.

Everyone thinks that loneliness only occurs in old age and solitude. Let me tell you that loneliness can be affecting someone in a crowded room; the belle of the ball, Miss popularity, the class clown, the workaholic, the busiest people, the richest, the most successful.

If something is sticking in your throat clear it by either swallowing it or spitting it out, recognise that you are responsible for controlling your feelings and get on with being a true friend to this girl as you just don't know, your friendship could be viewed by her as one of the most priceless possessions she has.

but meeting her husband, having her kid, a close relationship with her family and enjoying her DH's success in terms of the holidays and trips haven't had anything to do with work, it's luck.

Yes, your friend hit the jackpot. Then again, you didn't do too badly yourself, I bet. Many of your friends probably envy you. There are always going to be people who have more and are luckier than you and those who have less, sometimes a lot less. Also, life is long. Today she has more, but tomorrow you may have more.

NOBODY gets out of this world alive. In other words, everyone has both good and bad in their lives. I try to teach my children to concentrate on the positive and get up when they are knocked down bc I believe that we all fail, it's how we deal with it that determines our success quite often.

That said, I heard of a woman at work (they were interviewing her replacement) who was in a car accident, laid up, had to then take the bus and slipped under it and was run over on her first day back to work. Then lost her job bc she was gone so long with serious medical problems. UNTIL then, she had a lovely home, wonderful job as professor at prestigious art school and lovely partner. I think that I may have heard that there was a lost child in that horrible bundle of months/ year or so.

It is a true story and I have tried very hard to work more or be more creative in funding our life since hearing about her. She of course lost spouse (child?) and "friends."

I lost my both paternal and maternal families under series of private circumstances. Have wondeful dh and great dc. Nice home that we also struggle to keep, am detested by mil. I would give much for my mother and relatives to be alive and well.

Lives and books are mysteries until you open them. Some people hide better.
YES!! I envied a woman with wonderful education, etc. But I envied her doors her homes always have the best front doors. Like from movies are her doors.

If anyone catches that I also worked for art school....I was also fired. I was not run over by a bus.

Op just remember money is no good if you haven't got your health and nobody knows when illness will strike . We all know people better off than us that's life doesn't mean they are any happier .

Have made this mistake many times of envying someone else's family set-up. Only to discover later on that life for them was far from rosy. We all have crap to deal with.