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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be jealous of perfect friend?

151 replies

Sienna333 · 27/08/2017 23:48

She is-

  1. Incredibly happy with her husband, it is his third family set up (Had kids with two other women) but they are blissfully happy and have been together for 14 years.
  2. Lots of friends and great social life.
  3. Lots of money and so lots of holidays and trips out.
  4. Both her and her husband are directors and have amazing jobs with flexible hours.
  5. Very close to her parents and sister
  6. Very beautiful
  7. Confident and outgoing

I probably sound like a bitch but it's tough at times being around her :(

OP posts:
thestamp · 29/08/2017 19:55

Envy is natural OP. I feel envy. Some feel it less than others, but it's really a completely normal human emotion. Don't let anyone tell you differently. But do work on empathizing with those you envy - it can help you not feel suffocated by the envy iyswim.

I am aware of certain friends envying me. Conventionally attractive, groomed, academic achiever, confident, wide circle, sporty, have a good job, bounced back weight wise from pg, DC sweet tempered, lovely partner who I adore, fb is full of trip pics, arty projects, days out, etc.

But I came from a background of extreme abuse, have suffered things physically and mentally that I can barely reveal. A lot of my "perfect" exterior is built up as a defence. My remaining family dislike me but keep up appearances because if they didn't it would reflect badly on them. Exdh is a relic of my past that I can't shake due to dc. He thinks of me what the rest of my family does - I exist to meet his needs, and all my "advantages" mean that I owe him a living.

I keep many things to myself. E.g. I don't share details of my DC time in hospital or anything around DC birth or my pg/recovery because I have gotten "oh is that all you have to deal with, must be nice" when they don't know, for example, that I had to disclose details of horrific sexual abuse to doctors before I had my DC and then create a care plan to ensure I didn't go into a psychotic state during birth, as result of reliving trauma.

I keep these shadows hidden because the more I reveal, the less people know what to do with me, they can relate to me even less than before. I become a cipher, almost a monster ("how can she carry on and be happy when she's hiding all that? there must be something wrong with her / she's lying"). Silence has made me incredibly lonely.

I am working on revealing certain things to dp - he knows the briefest outlines, no detail shaded in iyswim. But it is so hard to watch a loved one's heart break when you tell them something. So so hard. This is why silence, even with the price paid in loneliness, can feel so much easier.

My art projects on FB? they are art therapy projects. They represent things I am trying to work through in art therapy because talk therapy has become almost impossible for me to do, I have talked in circles for decades but the pain remains. People don't know that. Why would I tell them? Their pain in hearing these things only adds to my pain in feeling them.

You honestly don't know what people go through - I mean that with kindness, truly. Try to keep that in perspective and your feelings of envy might begin to ease.

Sienna333 · 29/08/2017 20:15

Thanks ladies, really. It honestly helps to read all of your posts.
I know it is my issue and my issue alone. I think it's just awkward when she
talks about her constant holidays (I can't afford to go on any), her big birthday plans (I never do much as I don't have the huge social group she does or a DH and she seems to find it staggering when I say I didn't do anything on my birthday and I end up feeling crap. She is married, lots of friends and financially a lot more secure. It's hard not to feel 'less' than her. But honestly, I know this is all on me.

OP posts:
Hunstanton · 29/08/2017 20:38

OP I really get you here and I feel that it is largely because she isn't able to empathise with you.

If she simply doesn't (or doesn't appear to) have to deal with the same sorts of problems as the rest of us, it can be difficult to be on the same level.
I get the fact that everyone is saying just forget about her and focus on your own positives, however if someone else is presenting perfection it is going to be hard not to compare yourself.
I don't buy it. I reckon there might be all kinds that she's hiding because no-ones life is perfect, however in this Instagram/FB age, you tend to swallow what you are presented with. And if she never opens up to anything being less than perfect, how would you know?

DagenhamRoundhouse · 29/08/2017 20:45

Nobody's life is perfect. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Abbylee · 29/08/2017 20:49

Sienna, do you feel badly bc of direct contact or bc of fb? Good friends do not boast to friends who are less fortunate (on the outside anyway. Is she enjoying your unhappiness? If she is going out of her way to brag, then she is shallow, spiteful and petty....and cruel. AND she is probably jealous of you bc you don't have a dh. Trust me (& most of mn) dp'so are not the most wonderful gift of our lives every day nor are children and certainly not the effort it takes to maintain that lifestyle with friends who aren't friends. You do not know if her foundation is a house of cards either. Traveling is also often difficult.
She could secretly envy you and your maybe more honest life.
(My door-envy frenemy knew absolutely that I was trying to hide my envy but her mother was exceptionally difficult while mine was a true gem, so, we're even)

Sienna333 · 29/08/2017 21:11

She isn't on Facebook. This is all because of direct contact. I don't think she
intentionally wants to make me feel bad, it's just she can't relate to loneliness, not having a DH, not being able to afford holidays abroad and endless trips away, financial limitations and a DD struggling at school (Her daughter is gifted and talented). It's not her fault and it is my issue. I can't on reflection expect her to emphasise with something she simply cannot relate to.

OP posts:
Jessikita · 29/08/2017 21:16

You're not being unreasonable in itself, it's a perfectly understandable emotion to experience and it's natural.

Try to rise above though if she's a good friend.

jempuddleduck · 29/08/2017 21:28

It is natural to feel jealous at times particularly if you are struggling with things currently (not suggesting that you are necessarily).

However, I wonder if you don't know her as well as you think. I can't think of a single one of my close friends who hasn't had problems and ups and downs in their life. No one has no problems over a period of years. Yes, some people are more lucky, inherit money, have supportive family, naturally good lucks or brains but that is not to say that they don't have a share of problems.
Secondly, your friend does sound rather lacking in empathy/ imagination if she can't at least attempt to understand the situations that you have listed.
Perhaps the two of you just don't have enough in common for the friendship to work.

Brown76 · 29/08/2017 22:07

Maybe she is a bit smug. Or maybe she doesn't tell you the bad bits about her life because she knows you have enough worries (the ones that you listed) and knows she is very fortunate and doesn't want to be patronising.

ssd · 29/08/2017 22:15

sienna. of course she should be able to empathise with you, if she's a real friend, or even a half decent person.

she doesn't sound like either, for all her showing off.

Abbylee · 29/08/2017 22:19

I think that almost everyone can relate to loneliness at least. Although, my ds is dyslexic and not many people relate well to that. I do know that the talented and gifted kids are under tremendous pressure and many live in quiet desperation. The parents can be a nightmare and kids don't get to play or have as much down time to just be a kid.

I think that you need to think better of yourself and less about Princess Perfect. I have a dear friend that I met when we were 13 yo. I don't tell her about some things bc I know that her life is difficult right now. I am not comfortable telling her about vacations if she is stuck caring for an elderly parent and disabled sibling. I would feel mean....Although it's been years since we've been on vacation, but you understand? I also envy her ability to purchase her own home. It's not as much as ours, but I sometimes think i would happily trade bc she is independent and I am disabled. See? No perfect lives.
BTW, I'm pretty sure that empathy is in the Good Friends Rule Book. It's right next to do not hit on bfs.

It's okay to have a healthy envy bc it can spur us on to better things, but there are no perfect lives,relationships or people. The pendulum of life is always moving. Concentrate on your life, look for your happy moments and the more that you find, the more content you will be. Best wishes to you and your dd.

Abbylee · 29/08/2017 22:37

Dear thestamp, please think about dribbling little bits of your past to do IF you trust him. The least horrible. It is his responsibility to tell you if it is too horrific. Be very careful, but if you go very slowly so YOU are not too vulnerable, you may finally forgive yourself if you see that he can survive hearing about some of it. That is often the worst part of abuse; blaming oneself. I may be full of hooey, but it helped to be accepted by someone that I love and respect. But please be very certain that info won't be used against you. Only dh knows but he now understands me instead of watching bewildered...he knows that I have reasons for living in Crazytown and it's comforting beyond words.Flowers

angelfacecuti75 · 29/08/2017 23:13

I think its easy to look at others and compare ourselves and think our life is shit. Especially when we look at Facebook . Learning to appreciate what we do have and be confident enough to accept what we do have and even like ourselves is really hard. We live in a capitalist society. It is made to make us want to consume more and be more. But to be happy with our little lot when we are struggling with wanting more and not liking ourselves is even harder. I've got a flat. I cannot afford to move at the moment. My friends have gardens and cats and mortgages. I would like a house, a mortgage & a cat. But I can't have them at presentbecause of various things. My flats lovely and well decorated with large rooms. We're allowed to decorate and stay indefinitely. We don't have to fork out for boiler repairs or plumbing. These are my payoffs in this situation which by some people's standards might be a bit shit. But I'm luckier than some and some are luckier than me There's no point thinking well my friends got x,y and a and I'm such a failure because I don't have those things because you'll make yourself miserable. Find your own good points.

mrshousty · 30/08/2017 01:04

Perfect isn't always perfect...im sure she has some insecurities that she doesn't share

BeyondThePage · 30/08/2017 08:25

perfect sometimes is perfect, but you don't get to share that with friends because people are more interested in problems and gossip.

Burratorchildhood · 30/08/2017 08:31

I wanted to post and stand up for the OP as some posters have been really harsh towards her. I don't think it's odd to envy someone else's life for being seemingly perfect - I think that this is totally human. I bet no one who has posted could put their hand on their heart and say they haven't envied someone once or twice in their life. I agree that posting in AIBU puts things up for debate but it's quite obvious that this poster is just exploring feelings and not an unkind person. I get it OP. Smile

graysquirrel · 30/08/2017 09:35

This could be my SIL writing about herself Wink. I say writing about herself as she has all these things and thinks that's what makes life perfect.
It's not my perfection though. My life may not be perfect either but I have a very happy marriage with two adorable girls and so everything I need. We earn a good wage but nothing compared to in law's. But we have fun, lots of fun, and lovely holidays, albeit devon and not Dubai, and a nice modest house, and a car that works and enough left over for days/meals out and treats along the way. But the most important thing to us is our children. I choose to work pt and me and DH juggle flexible jobs to be there for them as much as we can. Whereas my niece is passed from one childcare provider to another, is visiby gutted that her mum is working abroad yet again. And it is affecting her, she's a unhappy little girl who just craves time, love and attention. Whenever she spends time with us you can see her watching our normal behaviour of laughing/hugging like it's alien to her. And then sets about trying to belittle my eldest DD who is her age, but luckily too naive to pick up on her oneupmanship.
So yes she has money/nice house/cars/holidays but under the surface they're all just miserable and I feel sorry for them rather than jealous.
Look beyond the surface and nobody is perfect.

Tracyjane64 · 30/08/2017 10:41

Well, minus the husband, I have been on the recieving end of jealousy over looks, nice house and high achieving children although these are all facts and I'm not a boaster( honestly) and I can tell you that if you happen to be pretty or are concieved as being prettier than your friends ( not being a big head, this is what a so called friend told me) its hell.I'm a normal person, kind, caring, help anyone out but lots of people shun me cos of their jealousy and its really hurtful. I never get ask out to lunches or dinners cos (and again not my words) they dont want to be sitting near me with my make up, hair and what I might be wearing! So this has resulted in me being mostly on my own spending time with my family and children and it is isolating and lonely. I'm now in my 50s and learnt to pursue solitary activities but I've had a really crappy time due to misplaced jealousy. Please judge people by their personality and if you don't like them fair enough, but to judge on looks is heartbreaking.

Sienna333 · 30/08/2017 12:42

TracyJane, it isn't just looks with her thay I envy, it is everything she has. Even if she were average looking, I would feel the same. I know lots of gorgeous women who have loads of friends and people always want to be around them. Maybe you have just been unlucky?

Thanks for the support Burratorchildhood. X

OP posts:
Tracyjane64 · 30/08/2017 17:34

Whatever you say you're still jealous of her and yes maybe I have encountered shallow people and been unlucky but I'm hardly likely to support someone like you considering my experiances am I? Probably get some haters for this comment but I'm being honest so I don't care.Jealousy causes upset and hurt and its a pointless feeling cos no ones life is perfect and therefore why waste your time with it.Much easier to be kind.

Sienna333 · 30/08/2017 18:56

With all due respect Tracy, I don't think you have taken the time to read my thread before commenting. I have never been unkind or rude to her. Ever.

OP posts:
Maireadplastic · 30/08/2017 19:07

Very dignified response to Traceyjane, OP.

ssd · 31/08/2017 07:58

come to think of it, I know only a couple of women with perfect lives and TBH, both of them strike me as lacking in any empathy with others, they seem to live in a bubble and cant understand any other way of life

theres a word for it, but I cant think of it...

anyway op, you sound much nicer.

Sienna333 · 31/08/2017 12:24

Thank you ssd xx

OP posts:
nursy1 · 02/09/2017 13:56

I have friends like this. They are great people but I've found over the years that the fabulous marriage their daughter made ( wonderful wealthy husband, we love him so much) ended in divorce, then the truth came out ( abusive, suicide attempt)
The job she " loved - I'm so lucky" was less well paid than she said at the time and made her ill with the commute.
You get the picture? Some people are just good at putting a fabulous optimistic spin on the life they lead. It's a great attitude to have but nowadays I take them with a pinch of salt. Still great people to be around though as it's all so lovely.

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