To be jealous of perfect friend?

[Sienna333]

She is-

1. Incredibly happy with her husband, it is his third family set up (Had kids with two other women) but they are blissfully happy and have been together for 14 years.
2. Lots of friends and great social life.
3. Lots of money and so lots of holidays and trips out.
4. Both her and her husband are directors and have amazing jobs with flexible hours.
5. Very close to her parents and sister
6. Very beautiful
7. Confident and outgoing

I probably sound like a bitch but it's tough at times being around her :(

It's got to be difficult to keep the envy at bay OP but money isn't everything. I suppose I'm fortunate that in my group of friends I'm in the most "outwardly successful" situation but it's not everything! One of my best friends is about to go to university for for the first time and she was travelling in Africa last year while I was changing breast pads and nappies for the millionth time. Another is single and playing the field like you wouldn't believe! I envy their lack of responsibility a lot more than they might envy my house or my car! Life changes in a flash, your friend's DH could drop dead of a heart attack, she could become ill too or their children. Suddenly the money, the jobs and the holidays are meaningless.

Are you happy in your own life?
Are you healthy?

I think you know YABU but we can be jealous creatures when we're in need of a reality check.

You never ever really know what is going on in someone else's life. I am comfortably off and mortgage-free in my early 30's - because most of my family are dead. One of my friends is pregnant with her first baby - but almost nobody knows she has had years of fertility problems. Another friend has an amazing career - but she hates it and feels trapped because so many people admire her. Nobody's life is perfect.

12 years ago my life fell to pieces, it was so bad I tried to kill myself thanks to my local MH team I survived. I turned my life around ditched every friend I had who knew what had caused my life to fall to pieces , because I'm a private person, moved 200 miles away and started again.
Out of the friends I have now and some are really good ones no one knows. A friend said the other day you're so lucky having never experienced MH problems and you're not the sort of person who ever will. Little do they know that underneath my outer shell I remain totally devastated by the loss of my DM 5 years ago.
In my experience it's life's down that make you strong, I take the view nothing can be as bad as what happened if I can come through that and not only survive but come back better and stronger I can come through anything. I learnt so much about myself. This is an important life lesson.

Secondly I'm a chatty friendly confident outgoing person, with two great kids a lovely house, a 30 year marriage, we have good holidays, nice cars etc. I have really lovely friends who I see regularly. Maybe they'd write about me (I do hope I'm not "smug" or "lord" it over people) in the way you write about your friend. If I was asked if I'd ever suffered from MH problems (even my best friend who I'm very close too) I'd probably deny it because I just don't want to discuss what caused it, it's private to me.
OP unless you've know this women all her life you don't know this women's past history. Few of us are exactly what we seem.

I don't understand why you would be jealous of someone you like? Shouldn't you be happy for her?

I met one of my closest friends at uni. We were both dirt poor at the time, in shitty relationships and preparing ourselves for a life of being single and struggling. She was still living with her mum. I was a single parent.

5 years on we're both married and happy but her life has turned out incredibly well. She met a lovely bloke who happened to be rich (I won't say what he does as he's actually quite famous!!), they bought a huge Victorian house, got married in a huge, beautiful stately home and then had a beautiful baby. She no longer needs to work and basically lives the life of Riley.

Am I jealous? No - I'm incredibly happy for her. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. That's what "friends" are.

Please don't make me feel awful for admitting I feel envious of my friends on an anonymous forum. I never make her feel bad and am nothing less than kind to her. I am human and have flaws and emotions that are not so reasonable and nice, we all do.

But op you're on Aibu. You did ask, so you got a wide range of opinions....

Sure. But is telling someone they are creepy and single white female helpful in anyway? No.

Sure. But is telling someone they are creepy and single white female helpful in anyway? No

Well maybe actually, if it makes you pause and think? You sound obsessed with this woman and what she has and comparisons to your own situation and admit your envy. You feel the need to "vent" and you refuse to accept she could have anything in her life that could cause her upset, discomfort, anxiety or pain, for you it's the perfect life.

It's not just unrealistic, it's unhealthy for you. I'd also say it's very hard to be a true friend to someone you envy to this level. Stop thinking about her life and comparing, it's not going to do you any good.

If its someones opinion, which you have asked for, then thats what they will post.

Advice and help isnt always softly softly. Sometimes its better to hear it straight. And thats what aibu if for.

I'm more creeped out by Corgisarebest. So your best friends don't actually know the real you at all.

As long as you guys would be happy with being called creepy, single white female, obsessed etc then go ahead. Just be aware that someone could direct those comments at you in future threads you post. Therefore, it would be extremely hypocritical of you to get upset/annoyed.

Sienna its just you and me then! Its not creepy at all, I can see some regulars on here so don't worry. I like that you wanted to talk about it and think it through. Mumsnet is (normally) a safe place to say shit that you couldn't in real life. But maybe try it on chat in future

Thanks Staples xxx

OP - just saw further down on the thread that you admitted to reading a Christmas card that her DH had given to her! You then proceeded to conclude that their life isn't that difficult because of what you read in the card. Erm, that's private! Why did you read the card? Poor woman! Yep still think you're behaviour is creepy and very negative.

Also you have posted lots of information about your poor friend, she could easily identify herself if she uses this site. Shame on you.

She showed me the card? As for the identifying information, I haven't said where she lives, her age, identified how she looks, ages of her kid. All that I said could apply to many women. If she identified herself by that, I would be highly shocked.
I guess it doesn't matter what you think of me. Someone on a forum calling me a creep isn't going to give me sleepness nights believe me.

Thank you for all the productive posts :)

I dunno, if you knew them or were them you would spot it.

Two directors, teen to adult step kids from two exs, a daughter, together 14 years, a very specific message in a Christmas card etc

You mentioned up thread how she 'lords it over you'. How so? If this is really true maybe it's time to back away from the friendship.

I'll bet she has her own insecurities and worries just like everyone else, warranted or not.

You can be envious, it's fairly natural, but do so fleetingly and follow it up with thoughts of all the good things in your life.

I know people like this too OP. I've always said that there are some people who 'walk in the sun.' Meaning things just work out for them. Good husbands, beautiful kids, walking into a dream job, those sorts of things. There's no rhyme or reason to it and sure some probably have things going on under the surface, but I too sometimes wonder what it would be like to have things just work out for me.

I have a friend, well more of an acquaintance like this - perfect looks, slim, SAHM with 4 perfect kids, rich lovely husband and a house to die for. She's also a trained playgroup teacher and plans to resume doing this in a few years. Her PIL live next door to her and provide unlimited free childcare and she and her husband are always out on date nights/weekend breaks.

It all looks perfect from the outside - except she has an eating disorder and very low self esteem, and has battled anxiety for years. Nobody would guess this - I only know as her mum used to work with me and confided in me about her concerns.

I suppose I'm saying that it's a normal to be jealous, it's an understandable human emotion. But nobody truly has a perfect life either

op, as usual on mn these days, when someone like you comes on to have a vent/moan/get something off your chest, you are told you have no self esteem, are jealous or are a creep jesus wept

whats wrong with being a bit jealous of someone we know and wishing we had a bit of what they had?

all this comparison is the thief of joy, who the hell never compares themselves with anyone else? I've never met anyone who doesnt.

so op, vent away and ignore the people telling you to stop.

what bothers you most about your friend is her lack of empathy, and really this isnt a nice trait in someone, it's like they can't be bothered trying to understand our point of view as we just aren't important enough...and that hurts, especially when we bend backwards to get theirs.

OP, don't make the mistake of thinking that all posters want to be helpful! I think a significant minority enjoy being hurtful, unfortunately.

Life is full of sadness, tragedy and darkness, as well as joy, love and beauty. I never find that I can get truly close to a friend who can't experience and share in all of these things. Your friend sounds like she lacks imagination or empathy- a bit two dimensional, perhaps.

OP. You're not unusual in your thougths.
But coming on mn then being offended ?

This thread is why I sometimes prefer the company of men 😳😳

Wow, so much bitchiness flying around from everyone.....

1. Jealousy is not a nice trait, and no matter what you think I'll wager money you're giving her signals, which she's probably picked up on - but that doesn't make you a bad person for having those feelings, it makes you bloody human!!

2. So what if she lacks empathy? this may come as a surprise to some posters but not all women are maternal/emotional/touchy feely by nature but that doesn't make her a bad person either!! Would all these posters be criticising a man for not showing empathy? Would they hell!!

It's how you both react that's important - if you allow your jealousy to affect your relationship and she has picked up on your feelings but doesn't "tone down" what she shoves under your nose then I don't see how you can continue to be friends if I'm honest.....

I think you both need an honest and frank conversation and decide how much you both value your friendship, if you don't then I can see that things are going to keep going in a perpetual cycle of you feeling animosity, her feeling aggrieved that you feel like that and "lording it more" then you feeling more animosity etc etc etc until it all blows up

My sister once told me she had been jealous of my life as we are much more financially secure than her, but she admitted that she lost that view when I got ill 16 years ago, and is very aware that having health is a huge bonus!

When I was younger several people told me they would 'love to be me'. That wouldn't have been their choice had they 'walked a mile in my shoes' , or more to the point lived a day in my head at any point. I'm just good at putting on a bright face and making the best of things for myself and in trying to encourage others. If I dropped this facade, and seriously thought about all the things that are wrong, and all the things that have been so badly, horribly screwed up in my life almost from the word go, I seriously think that I would start running and screaming and never stop. That's how it is for me and I'm sure a lot of others who seem to lead a life that others envy.