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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with these parents?

298 replies

ilivebythesea · 27/08/2017 17:30

OK, deep breath..., this'll be long...

Have taken one of my DDs away for a weekend break, just the two of us. We are staying in a cottage, with about 8 other cottages around us.

We were swimming in the outdoor pool earlier in the day and DD, aged 14, made friends with 2 children. After lunch, DD asked if she could go back to the pool to play with these same children. Their parents were there, so I said yes, as long as she asked if she could play with them. I said if they weren't there or if they left the pool at any time, she had to come straight back to the cottage.

The rules on the side of the pool say no lone swimming and that children under 15 must have a parent poolside. DD is 15 in two weeks time.

DD came back saying she'd had a great time with these children. The parents were present all the time and had agreed she could play with their children.

OK, so just now, a member of staff knocked on our cottage door, saying some parents (I wonder who?) had phoned the office (which is not open as it's sunday), to complain, sorry, I meant voice their concern that a child was swimming alone in the pool and that they'd had to supervise her! Staff member kept saying no-one is allowed to swim solo (she wasn't) and if she's under 15, I had to be there. She's hardly going to be any different in two weeks time when she is 15. Staff member obviously believes other parents story.

Now I feel like shit. She's a competent swimmer, responsible teenager and I was trying to give her some independence, especially as she's quite shy. She's really upset too. I trust her completely when she says she wasn't alone and that she'd asked the parents if she could play with their children. At no time did I or DD ask them to assume parental responsibility for her.

They know which cottage we are in, so why not come and speak to me about it, rather than tell tales and lies and upset us both. Feel like packing up early and going home...

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 27/08/2017 21:13

All you needed to do was ask the other parents if they would keep an eye on her.

You can't make the argument that she'll be the same in two weeks time. The law doesn't work like that for driving for example. The holiday cottage will have had insurance which wouldn't cover an unsupervised fourteen year old, which is what she was.

HiJenny35 · 27/08/2017 21:15

You sent your daughter there to ask if she could play with their children, I imagine that as they didn't know her or her swimming level and as they knew the rule that a parent had to be present they felt that they had to watch your child, which actually is what you expected. YABU, you should have gone with your child. Stop dramatising and apologies as it was your fault and don't expect other people to watch your child, the rule is you have to be with her.

user1489675144 · 27/08/2017 21:19

If you weren't expecting them to supervise her then who were you expecting to supervise YOUR DAUGHTER.
Why could you not have got off your bottom and gone to the pool with her and sat reading whilst she played with said children.
Not difficult is it.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 21:20

FIre

It doesnt matter one bit what YOU used to do.

Its the rules of the pool and op disregarded them. If something had happened to her dd then I am sure she would be quick to blame the other parents for not looking out for her dd after all she was 'with them'.

Its her dd if the pool rules say she must have a parent that doesnt mean any adult nearby will do.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/08/2017 21:21

We weren't deliberately flouting the rules, but thinking it's reasonable to say she will have the same level of responsibility in two weeks time as she does now.

The point is at this moment of time she doesn't.

user1489675144 · 27/08/2017 21:21

FIRESUIT "The world has gone mad! A 14 year-old can't use a pool without a parent present? I find it bat-shit crazy that public pools even have lifeguards."

I imagine it has 'SOMETHING' to do with children dying in pools whilst not being supervised/no lifeguard present. Being supervised helps prevent this from happening - do you really need than explaining?

Just because you didn't have any accidents - lots did and some of these rules actually save lifes!!!! Duh.

user1489675144 · 27/08/2017 21:22

Lives

clippityclock · 27/08/2017 21:25

Blimey I was swimming unsupervised in the sea from around 11/12 christ knows why insurance need it to be 15!

OP I wouldn't have cared less if your daughter wanted to play with my DS while I was sat around the pool with my own kid. Seems very OTT to report you to management, if you ask me, and if the parents had a problem with it they should have just said to your daughter 'where's your parent though as they need to be here' when she asked, its not difficult.

Jg1 · 27/08/2017 21:28

Oh for goodness sake!
I posted earlier saying what I'd have done but on reflection that's only true from a distance. In the moment I'd have thought nothing of my 13 year old (very capable swimmer) going to the pool alone to meet up with playfriends.
Similarly I'd have thought nothing of looking out for playfriends of my son coming along alone if they said their mum knew where they were. When we had to leave I'd have sent the other child/children back to their parents.
Does nobody look out for anyone else these days??????

TeenTimesTwo · 27/08/2017 21:29

Accidental drownings have dropped by a third in last 30 years: www.rospa.com/leisure-safety/statistics/drowning/ so maybe current rules are sensible. (And yes I know these won't all be in pools!)

Threenme · 27/08/2017 21:30

Really wouldn't have bothered me if a 14yo wanted to hang round with my teenagers if we were at the pool. They also really didn't need to feel tied could easily say if they were leaving, had planseg "yeah it's fine for an hour but then we're leaving so off back to mum" completely agree with pp who said they're hardly blowing up arm bands!! I see why op was affording her some independence as a good swimmer.

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 21:43

I do find it odd that a lot of you are referring to a girl 2 weeks short of 15 as a CHILD. She isn't, not really, she's a teenager who is apparently a good swimmer. She's less likely to drown than an adult who is a non-swimmer. I do get the issue of rowdiness but that wasn't happening either.

Ok, rules were broken, but it's really not worth giving the OP such a rollicking over, surely??

strawberrisc · 27/08/2017 21:43

How long was she with them?

My daughter has terrible self-doubt and I love it when she makes friends on holiday and don't want to cramp her style. Sounds like the OP was listening to their laughter the whole time and probably dying to go out and watch.

Yes if I felt I was "stuck with someone else's kid" annoying but at almost 15 and having already acknowledged they had made friends it was a cowardly act if it was them. Why can't people just be straight? A knock on the door and a friendly "look I'm sorry but I know your daughter is only 14 and I can't take responsibility for her".

strawberrisc · 27/08/2017 21:45

Oh and does anyone else remember when we used to go out all day as kids, collecting frogs from ponds, jumping in stagnant ponds, climbing trees, apple scrumping. And yes, I know the point was someone else being responsible for OPs child but our kids have missed out on so much.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 27/08/2017 21:48

Wow! the keyboard warriors are out tonight!

TBH I would simply suck it up, shrug my shoulders and quietly make the decision never to return again BUT try to enjoy the remainder of your break.

I agree, she is going to be no different in terms of responsibility etc in two weeks time compared to now.
It's a silly rule - 15 is not 5. I am a bit Hmm at the decision to make swimming alone rule 15. A bit overzealous with the rule making but could be because they had a nasty scare a while ago or for insurance reasons.
I am wondering if there has simply been some confusion; your DD asked to join them at the pool and the assumption being that the other parents would 'watch your DD' seeing as they asked?
Also some people find approaching someone about flouting the rule as bit confrontational or are frightened of it turning confrontational and therefore chose to inform management. Having said that, I think it was a bit OTT. Personally, I would have let it slide, especially seeing as your DD IS 15 in a couple of weeks but if it happened again, then if I was very particular about following the rules strictly, then I would have mentioned that I was uncomfortable taking responsibility for your DD.

To reiterate, ignore the MN clap-trap on here; shrug it off, maybe don't interact with this family again (unless spoken to) and obey the overzealous rules during your stay but reconsider a return.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 22:00

My goodness, the girl is14, not 4! I used to go out shopping on own at that age. She is op responsibility, op knows her dd, and her capibilities. Why did they not knock on your door if they were concerned, or send your dd back to your cottage. Total overreaction!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 22:02

Shock horror used to go to the leisure centre on my own by bus too.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/08/2017 22:04

She's 14. Not 15. The rules say 15. Not 14 and 50 weeks. To paraphrase, "Their resort, their rules". I grew up with a 'block pool', one that was built on our street and which the residents of the street could join. There as no lifeguard and we could take our 'swim without parents' test (administered by a neighbour that was a certified lifeguard) at 15 1/2 and not a day earlier. It didn't matter that my extremely strong swimming ability was the same on 3 June as it was on 4 June. I couldn't take the test until 4 June. Because those were the rules. Just because we think a rule shouldn't apply to us, that doesn't mean that it doesn't.

As far as the other parents go, chances are that after your DD asked them if she could swim/play with their kids, they probably asked her if you knew she was there. It'd be the first thing I asked. And I'd also assume that part of the 'asking' was that you were expecting me to keep an eye on your child, especially because most parents are particularly 'watch-y' of kids around water in general. These parents didn't know your daughter's swimming ability. Not after a casual afternoon of watching that child in the pool!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 22:05

She is 14, she does not need blooming helicoptering, no wonder many youngsters have very little independence. Shock Itravelled from London to York on my own via coach at 14!

Cubtrouble · 27/08/2017 22:05

Their insurance will state the rules.

YOU are being unreasonable. I wouldn't want the responsibility for someone else child- especially a strangers around a pool

Sugarformyhoney · 27/08/2017 22:06

Sounds to me that the other family didn't want your dd infringing on their family holiday.
Maybe they felt they couldn't say no but resented her being there as an extra to their family.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 22:06

Then they should have knock on op door, or sent op dd back to the cottage.

Sugarformyhoney · 27/08/2017 22:11

Yeah they should have but maybe they felt bad for the dd and didn't want to embarrass her. At the end of the day the other family don't need to get into it with the OP. They didn't want to supervise/accommodate her dd so took it up with the resort staff. Avoids awkward confrontation and perfectly acceptable. On my holiday I wouldn't want to be offering explanations to other parents.

MadMags · 27/08/2017 22:15

I think when you sent her to ask the parents could she join in, you were sort of making them responsible for her and that probably got their backs up.

It wouldn't have bothered me since at that age there's no minding on them but if they thought you were being a cheeky fucker, they probably wanted to nip it in the bud.

Stupid rule but it is the rule! When the manager knocked I would have said she's 15, since she practically is.

It'll all be a bit awkward tomorrow though, won't it?!

EyesUnderARock · 27/08/2017 22:16

No one is disputing that at 14 we did all sorts of amazing things, as might the OP's daughter. At 14 I travelled in cars without seat belts and yomped up and down the country on trains and buses. Did lots of stuff, some underage, some there were no laws about then, but there are now. My DD has to show ID to purchase things that I could have bought at 14.
But the point people are mostly making is that the rule for that specific pool was no unsupervised swimming under 15.
That's the rule the op ignored. That's what posters are saying she's being unreasonable about. Her daughter is free to swim in the ocean, climb mountains and travel unaccompanied, there are no rules about that. Next tine, check the conditions and rules of the resort.