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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry and DP and friend wine session.

352 replies

Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 12:48

I name changed and will try not to drop feed.

Me and DP have 2 kids combined.
We are child hood sweethearts but had a break in between.
Now eventually settled down together.

Friend was an old school friend of us both however was always more my friend of that makes sense.
As we have got older have become less close but still stay in contact.
( she is the eccentric, wild type )
I am currently in hospital with young DD and we are going through a really hard time as a whole unit.
So here is what happened yesteray.

I had both children at hospital with me until DP finished work at 10 pm and picked DSS up, they would not have got home until 10.45 ish.

I spoke to DP at just gone midnight every thing seemed fine nothing was mentioned about anyone being there.

This morning I woke up to a text message of my friend saying she was popped around last night but I wasn't in ( she knew I wasn't there as we have been in hospital over a week ) glad I got a chance to spend some time with ( my DP )
He was explaining how you really struggling emotionally at the minute and that things are tough followed with will replace your wine to ! Shock

I rand DP who explained she did knock last night and he welcomed her in She drunk too much wine and was asking questions and being really friendly.
She ended up sleeping on the sofa and left this morning.

I was more confused than anything I don't get

  1. Why she turned up at my house at that time knowing I wasn't there
  1. Why DP let her in.
  1. Why they were drinking wine together
  1. Why she didn't get a taxi home.

An hour ago I got a phone call from my best friend to ask if everything was ok as friend from last night had told her things seemed difficult between me and DP and that it was likely we would be seperating soon through the stress !

( this is the first I have heard about it, we get on fine )

Now DP can be a bit stupid and naive , he would do anything for anyone and genuinely is a bit of a push over at times.
His claim is....

She turned up at the door, she seemed down and asked for me, he explained I wasn't in and she asked to come in.
He allowed her in and they got talking and she helped her self to some wine and poured himself some to.
She got very drunk and they had a few emotinal conversations.
He offered to order her a taxi but she said she didn't feel save going alone early hours of the morning so asked to sleep on the sofa.

This sounds confusing I know !
I am mad at them both, not sure I should be though.

OP posts:
WomanWithAltitude · 27/08/2017 14:02

Has your DP explained why he didn't tell you she was there when you spoke to him? The fact that he didn't mention it goes beyond 'naivety' - he was lying by omission for some reason.

She is not your friend, that's clear enough, but your DP is your main problem. Why wasn't he honest with you?

Original poster
Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 14:04

That's the thing she text me at the crack of dawn !
I hadn't even had a coffee yet, as soon as I rand DP he told me.
He was also the one who told me she stayed over.
I need to really ask what time she got there and if she was there when I spoke to him why he didn't say she was there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 14:05

Suppose I'm a little worried because physically things have been a bit off with us mainly due to me always being in hospital with DD and then the medical termination situation meant I was not really up to it.
Worries me that if anything did happen maybe I pushed him to feel like he needed to :(

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 14:10

I think this is disgusting behaviour... I agree it's bollocks that your DP is so very naive Confused ... and I also think she's trying to split you both up.. but your DP is to blame too

cleanasawhistle · 27/08/2017 14:11

Is it a usual occurrence for your friend to turn up at your door at 11pm ?

If not then I would think she knew you were not home and was making a play for you DH.It didn't go her way so she was shit stirring with the text.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 14:12

I'd be furious. Absolutely bloody livid.

He should have told her you were out, it was 11pm, he has work tomorrow & an ill child in hospital, he needed tonget to bed & get some sleep. End of.

Having failed to do that, none of the rest of it should have happened. If he needs to talk I'm sure he has family & proper friends, not this idiot trying to get in his boxers.

The thing that makes me worry that he's not as innocent in all of this as you'd like to think, is that he didn't tell you when you rang.

I hope he's doing the hospital overnight tonight & you're going home for a decent nights sleep.

I'm very sorry to hear about your MT. It's very hard at the best of times, it's utterly heartbreaking when you find out it wasn't actually necessary. I hope you can get some good counselling. In the meantime, hang onto the fact that you made the best decision you could, for all the right reasons x

Brazenhussy0 · 27/08/2017 14:13

OP if anything did happen between them, it is not your fault. Do not take responsibility for the actions of others. You didn't push anyone into anything.

Your ‘friend’ is a snake. And the jury is still out on your DH until you have a chance to ask him about this properly.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 14:13

This is written that she's to blame and he did nothing to stop it. Hence the responses. However one key fact is he lied to you by not saying she was there when uou called. They had clearly been alone drinking wine for a few hours at that point. So he didn't want you to know.

She clearly thought better of it in the morning and texted you to ensure uou knew she had been there and that she had drunk wine. She was the one who told you first. Not him.

Now if my friend turned up at the door when I was out, I would expect my husband to invite her in and be hospitable. If she got drunk and kipped on the sofa. I'd have no issue. My issue would be if he hid the fact she was there from me and if she was the one who told me she was and did it first thing. Then I'd have wondered what was going through my husbands mind.

Something is clearly amiss here, but I'm not sure I'd believe your husbands version as out the two of them, he is the one you absolutely know has lied to you.

I'd also be curious if as well as feeding her wine, he was telling her uou were about to split up and that's where she got the info from, she's only repeating what he told her.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 14:17

Worries me that if anything did happen maybe I pushed him to feel like he needed to

You can get that stupid thinking out of your head right now! This VERY minute.

There is NO justification for fucking someone else when your partner has had an MT & is in hospital with one of your other children. NONE. Not even if it's been a very, very long time since you DTD (and it doesn't sound like it has been either).

Do NOT let yourself start thinking like this.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 27/08/2017 14:18

Has your friend always been a gossip?

LoveDeathPrizes · 27/08/2017 14:19

Hmm. Why is she so certain a separation is on the cards? ... I'd be livid if she was there when you called and it wasn't mentioned. And if she wasn't there at midnight, when the hell did she turn up? Do people really turn up that late without a nod from the host?

BlueDecor · 27/08/2017 14:26

Then what you need to do is sit down with a cup of tea with your DP and have a long nice civilised calm talk over this and any other issues you need to talk about once your DD is well enough. You feel hurt of course you do but I bet DP felt awkward when she turned up on the doorstep that late. Your friend so called is betraying you here not your DP tbh I doubt my DP would know what to do in a similar albeit strange situation so as not to upset anyone.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 27/08/2017 14:32

She's not your friend OP. At best, she is trying to cause trouble in your marriage. At worst, they're already shagging.

Greenkit · 27/08/2017 14:32

F**King hell what a bitch

Floellabumbags · 27/08/2017 14:33

Worries me that if anything did happen maybe I pushed him to feel like he needed to

You can stop that right now. If he's so fucking shallow that he can't go without a shag because you're going through a horrible time then he can fuck off and take his needy cock with him.

Original poster
Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 14:38

So the whole thing is they thought my daughter had a genetic condition that was solely passed on by maternal side so me.
We have had a rough ride with DD.
At the time tests were still pending and I was pregnant but it would have been harder to wait and then have a later termination. Hope that makes sense.
I made the decision and it took a lot of heart break to do so.
I am just so scared of being left alone I don't really know what to do.
He is all I have, he is my best friend for the best part of 20 years.

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 27/08/2017 14:40

I cannot believe all the shite being spewed about the woman. And yet if a woman fucks your husband, you get told it's not her you have an issue with - it's your husband. He's the one who cheated on you.

Op, it's your partner who lied. That is your problem. The friend wouldn't be able to do fuck, if he wasn't a willing participant.

Poor little lamb, my ass.

Trollspoopglitter · 27/08/2017 14:40

Cross post

Original poster
Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 14:44

The text I just got

" you know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, I was not thinking and I did talk to her about things.
She said she broke up with and came around to talks to you.
She was already drunk when she arrived"

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 27/08/2017 14:46

So he decided her drunk state was the perfect opportunity to discuss your extremely personal and sensitive issue with her?!

Photomummy16 · 27/08/2017 14:50

I'd be furious with both. Even if he was being naive I'd be furious at his naivety!!

Ttbb · 27/08/2017 14:51

I'm not sure why you are so bothered by this. Is it because they get were drinking while taking care of your DS? Even then he said he wasn't drunk and it's unlikely that the child would have needed anything Ashe was asleep. I just don't see anything particularly unusual in this (apart from her comments about your imminent break up)

Original poster
Confusedandalone19 · 27/08/2017 14:52

That's what I thought that maybe because I'm emotional and tired at the minute that it was swaying my judgement.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 14:53

I agree. Why all the attacks on the woman, it's her husband who has lied here. All the woman did was went round when she wasn't there and she told her. Yes there could have been an ulterior motive, but the reality is based on the facts presented he is the only one to have absolutely lied so far.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 14:54

Text back 'Intentionally or not you have hurt me. I am NOT discussing this via text, we can talk tonight and see where that leaves us'.

I know you can't bear the thought of him leaving, but you need to at least sound strong & not like you'll be walked all over.

If he's just been stupid (only chatted) it'll do him no harm to think about how much he values you. If he's cheated on you it'll do him no harm to see that you will not be letting him do as he pleases whilst you beg him to stay.

RE the MT. It was a very difficult decision. You did what you thought was best - that's all you could have done. Does he hold it against you?