AIBU to be angry and DP and friend wine session.

[Confusedandalone19]

I name changed and will try not to drop feed.

Me and DP have 2 kids combined.
We are child hood sweethearts but had a break in between.
Now eventually settled down together.

Friend was an old school friend of us both however was always more my friend of that makes sense.
As we have got older have become less close but still stay in contact.
( she is the eccentric, wild type )
I am currently in hospital with young DD and we are going through a really hard time as a whole unit.
So here is what happened yesteray.

I had both children at hospital with me until DP finished work at 10 pm and picked DSS up, they would not have got home until 10.45 ish.

I spoke to DP at just gone midnight every thing seemed fine nothing was mentioned about anyone being there.

This morning I woke up to a text message of my friend saying she was popped around last night but I wasn't in ( she knew I wasn't there as we have been in hospital over a week ) glad I got a chance to spend some time with ( my DP )
He was explaining how you really struggling emotionally at the minute and that things are tough followed with will replace your wine to !

I rand DP who explained she did knock last night and he welcomed her in She drunk too much wine and was asking questions and being really friendly.
She ended up sleeping on the sofa and left this morning.

I was more confused than anything I don't get

1. Why she turned up at my house at that time knowing I wasn't there

1. Why DP let her in.

1. Why they were drinking wine together

1. Why she didn't get a taxi home.

An hour ago I got a phone call from my best friend to ask if everything was ok as friend from last night had told her things seemed difficult between me and DP and that it was likely we would be seperating soon through the stress !

( this is the first I have heard about it, we get on fine )

Now DP can be a bit stupid and naive , he would do anything for anyone and genuinely is a bit of a push over at times.
His claim is....

She turned up at the door, she seemed down and asked for me, he explained I wasn't in and she asked to come in.
He allowed her in and they got talking and she helped her self to some wine and poured himself some to.
She got very drunk and they had a few emotinal conversations.
He offered to order her a taxi but she said she didn't feel save going alone early hours of the morning so asked to sleep on the sofa.

This sounds confusing I know !
I am mad at them both, not sure I should be though.

Yep - a falling down don't know what's going on drunk person wouldn't have been conscious enough to send those gossipy guess-where-I-was-last-night messages first thing in the morning.

She knew what she was doing.

Oh I'm generally very much on the side of women in life and on mumsnet, but I still believe the DP's version of events here and I doubt that such an insensitive woman understood what he might said about your problems, OP, but rather indulged in wishful thinking.

We have now spoken although not a very long talk due to him needing to take DSS home and me with DD.
He seemed very upfront and showed me texts received today from her.
He didn't seem edgy and told me what he had told her regarding us and apologised about mentioning the termination - which now everyone knows.

I'd believe him but make sure he knows that you don't want it happening again and bin your so called friend.

What did her texts to him today say, OP? Anything seem off or a bit dodgy?

That apology he gave you better have been sincere. And hopefully he realises he's been a twat. Did he give any kind of explanation for why he thought telling this snake woman about your relationship was a good idea?

Messages were along the line off ...

" was lovely catching up last night, if you ever need to talk or have a drink, always there for you"

Then him messaging her about what was said between her and other friend.

Which she replied with it was the impression I got, sorry if I was mistaken but there is many of us who care about and want to see you happy.
Hope we are okay and can have a catch up again soon.

Other than that nothing else really.

He said he spoke to her worried about me and how I was coping about the recent events.

But to other people she has made a point of making it clear that She spent the night.
In those words.

OP - you said she'd not texted you today - but she has texted your DP today?
That in itself is a big red flag to me.

She hasn't text me since this morning, after the original conversation.

I was thinking the same thing Not.

And that text... "if you ever need to talk or have a drink, always there for you" That makes me properly for you OP.
She's very obvious with her intentions here and I'd be freezing her out from now on. You don't need this drama in your life

Make sure your DP knows that this woman is no longer considered a friend to you or to your relationship.

She's a manipulative medalling bitch!!

'Everyone's worried about you' - no, you want to make sure he thinks you're worried about him and his relationship With you - plus got pulled up on the fact she gossiped before the fucking milkman finished his round - talk about keen to share your feelings with the planet!

'I am always here for a drink and a chat' - weerrrrrrrr I think that's your job as his partner .....

Also, as you're in hospital with a sick child how fucking DARE she try to scidle in on your man - she needs your husband to tell her she's been totally out of line and don't contact us again- you're not trying to help you're tying to set up a split and steal your bloody man

Sorry - gets my back up as I'm 45 and seen this sort of thing before, she's not bothered about any feelings except what she may get from your bloke

Your friend needs to fuck off and leave your family alone!

Her behaviour is totally out of order. Your DH needs to understand that this is not acceptable and give her short shrift next time she appears. Otherwise I'm afraid you are at risk of returning from hospital one day to find she has moved herself in and your DH is too naïve to do anything about it.

I'm with Flumpy.

Blimey, she's going all out to get him, isn't she? How dare she tell people you had a termination? How dare she stay the night when you're in hospital with your sick child? And how dare she tell everyone every damn thing - I would be livid with her.

If your DP was really D, he would be telling her to fuck off. Is he flattered by the attention?

I'm a bit older too Flumpy and I know the type.

Thank fully they are rare but I worked with one.
Quite happy to go to all lengths to plonk herself in people s lives.
We were a bit pissed excuse trotted out when she got caught.
Luckily I worked far enough away to avoid her but she caused huge dramas before her targets realised.

Those messages are really bad. She's awful, and sooo not your friend! All the "hope we're OK" - there is no we when it comes to him and her. It's like she's planting seeds in his head that he's not as happy lately as he should be, possibly due to his relationship, and she's trying to put the idea in his head that everyone is worried about him not being happy... When he is happy with you.

I'd be messaging her that you'd seen her texts to him and she can stay away from you all because she's clearly no friend. And I'd tell her that I'd be telling other friends how she's trying to cause trouble and to watch out for her. In fact I'd be going round and giving her all guns blazing. What kind of person does that when a friend is having a hard time.

I actually think your DP is getting an unnecessarily hard time here. If I understand the timeline correctly:

1. You spoke to him on the phone at midnight.
2. She turned up some time after this, drunk and keen to off-load about her relationship drama and drink wine
3. She asked to sleep on the sofa and your DP agreed (because contrary to all the posters saying “Why didn’t he just tell her to fuck off” not many decent people would actually turn a drunk woman out onto the street in the early hours
4. She texted you at 7:45 am to brag tell you that she’d spent the evening with your DP
5. you called your DP, who was completely open about the fact that she turned up drunk and he allowed her to sleep over (so he didn’t actually lie to you at all…?)
6. At 9:30 am your best friend lets you know that this woman was spreading BS about you and DP being on the brink of separating.

Your “friend” is poison but your DP sounds like he was caught by surprise (as most of would be in that situation). The worst thing he did was spill your private issues to this friend, so you really need to stress to him that this was hurtful - you should be his confidante, not the town gossip.

I would say the worst thing you could would be to call her and have a go at her - she will absolutely thrive on the drama and the fact she has successfully driven a wedge between you and your DP and managed to upset you. Ignore ignore ignore, and just avoid seeing her again. Make sure you and DP are on the same page because it sounds like he’ll be getting more of those “any time you need to talk…” texts. (Another point in his favour - he showed you those.)

I think I'ld give your DP the benefit of the doubt on this one because even if the friend is telling the truth:

1. If your friend's DP did tell you they were having problems, staying over in your friends absence is not good friend-ing
2. If your friend's DP did say you they were having problems, running straight to a 3rd party to spill the beans is not good friending

SO
whether or not your friend is telling the truth she is not a good friend

So I'ld rather bet on your DP!

2) She turned up some time after this, drunk and keen to off-load about her relationship drama and drink wine

I'm not so sure she was actually drunk, perhaps she put it on. Because she was clearly able to do all the early morning texting, when if she was truly drunk, she'd still have been sleeping it off.

I think the DP needs the benefit of the doubt here, the timeline does suggest he was rather caught by surprise.

However, the "friend" needs binning. And the DP needs to understand exactly what was going on here.

She's poisonous. Freeze her out. Don't engage with her or contact her. Talk with your DP and let him know what, and why, you are doing this.

I think your DP has been naive but he thought of her as your friend and someone who had your best interests at heart. She has decided to put her own spin on what he said to her.

Keep communicating with your DP. You both need to close ranks and be the team you are...just the two of you...no hangers-on trying to 'help'.

I'm sat here seething by the way...you don't need friends like that. for you.

So she apparently got the impression you might split up and as openly admitted this to your dh......has he corrected her?

Thankyou he didnt message her anything like fuck off etc back he said he didn't know what to do now so just didn't reply at all.
I have sent her a really long text and told her she is not to be anywhere near my house, partner or kids again.
With a few angry words.

Thankyou for today, you really helped me put things in to perspective.

I also have confirmation about time line as I asked 10 year old ( obviously causally and not letting details out ) what time he went to bed and he confirmed he was still awake when I had rang DP.