AIBU to be angry and DP and friend wine session.

[Confusedandalone19]

I name changed and will try not to drop feed.

Me and DP have 2 kids combined.
We are child hood sweethearts but had a break in between.
Now eventually settled down together.

Friend was an old school friend of us both however was always more my friend of that makes sense.
As we have got older have become less close but still stay in contact.
( she is the eccentric, wild type )
I am currently in hospital with young DD and we are going through a really hard time as a whole unit.
So here is what happened yesteray.

I had both children at hospital with me until DP finished work at 10 pm and picked DSS up, they would not have got home until 10.45 ish.

I spoke to DP at just gone midnight every thing seemed fine nothing was mentioned about anyone being there.

This morning I woke up to a text message of my friend saying she was popped around last night but I wasn't in ( she knew I wasn't there as we have been in hospital over a week ) glad I got a chance to spend some time with ( my DP )
He was explaining how you really struggling emotionally at the minute and that things are tough followed with will replace your wine to !

I rand DP who explained she did knock last night and he welcomed her in She drunk too much wine and was asking questions and being really friendly.
She ended up sleeping on the sofa and left this morning.

I was more confused than anything I don't get

1. Why she turned up at my house at that time knowing I wasn't there

1. Why DP let her in.

1. Why they were drinking wine together

1. Why she didn't get a taxi home.

An hour ago I got a phone call from my best friend to ask if everything was ok as friend from last night had told her things seemed difficult between me and DP and that it was likely we would be seperating soon through the stress !

( this is the first I have heard about it, we get on fine )

Now DP can be a bit stupid and naive , he would do anything for anyone and genuinely is a bit of a push over at times.
His claim is....

She turned up at the door, she seemed down and asked for me, he explained I wasn't in and she asked to come in.
He allowed her in and they got talking and she helped her self to some wine and poured himself some to.
She got very drunk and they had a few emotinal conversations.
He offered to order her a taxi but she said she didn't feel save going alone early hours of the morning so asked to sleep on the sofa.

This sounds confusing I know !
I am mad at them both, not sure I should be though.

I think they had a quickie on the couch.

Sorry OP.
I completely understand that you may want to sweep this under the carpet what with all your other stresses though. IMO if it smells like shit even in the slightest, looks like shit and sounds shit then it usually is shit.

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through with your DC. What happened between your friend and DP wasn't appropriate. Given what the two of you are going through/have gone through lately in your family life, counseling could only be a positive thing. Best of luck to you.

The woman she has known since childhood and was obviously close enough that she knew the op was in hospital and felt she could send little texts, turn up at her house and husband was happy to confide in her as he thought they were close. It's a big leap to deranged loon who lies about shagging your husband. Much more common is the husband is lying. Because blokes do about cheating. These women also have a wider social group.

I'm sorry but I'd urge the op not to blindly believe her husband. The way the text reads about feelings, this isn't a one night stand but more likely an affair, that's why she went round there, and she's decided to blow the whistle. And it looks like he's been giving it the old, "we are splitting up" shit,

Any deranged friend made shit like this up and your husband would be bemused at first, he'd have been first to say she was there, then angry but thus dude is sitting weeping and saying I'd never hurt you, not saying WTAF, urging the op not to speak to her and sending texts saying never contact us again. The reaction is all wrong. Why does he not want the op to speak to her?

This woman clearly isn't your friend.

However. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Where does her motivation for doing this come from? Either you've majorly crossed her, or I suspect something has happened with your DP before (if not the other night).

Perhaps she set it up as a rerun of something before and he turned her down, but she's pretending it happened because the same sort of thing had before, albeit not on that occasion. Your DP can sit there and say he isn't technically lying then, if nothing did happen on that actual night. It's horrible because plenty of people can have their faith rocked in partners who have done nothing wrong, but equally, there are many who have trusted implicitly and found they should not have.

I'd try and have a very open conversation with your DP and get the full story, prior to just this one incident in question. It is very odd he told your friend anything personal. My DH would never talk about anything like that to my friends or even mutual ones, it wouldn't come up at all.

YANBU, I would be fuming. Especially at your DP not mentioning she was there when you called. Very shady?

Poppy
RTFT she wasn't there when op called. Her son was with her dp when she called.

Bluntness

She knew op was in hospital but she went to the house supposedly looking for her as she said she had txt her and go no reply but she hadn't txt her at all.

OP says she has form for being a bitch in the past. First thing she did in the morning was spread rumours about ops marriage due to strain of her medical issues and their ill child. What kind of friend does that? She was only there as dh would have been the bad guy throwing a tipsy friend out in the middle of the night.

Having seen this before with my friend and her dh i am in no doubt that a 'friend' is quite capable of this.

Hope you're ok OP.
FWIW I would probably give DP the benefit of the doubt simply because her subsequent actions have been weird. Even if they did have a drunken shag that doesn't lead to the depth of feelings that she is saying they have, which leads me to thinking she is making it up.

But this is more than being a bitch, this is something else entirely and hugely unusual behaviour.

And for her going to the house, when the op is away, and the kid is in bed, she wasn't looking for the op at all...and if it's innocent, what he sits having emotional conversations with her, telling her all their secrets? My husband would let a friend in, he'd even give her a drink, but he'd not sit up telling her secrets. He'd just go to bed and let her sleep it off, especially if it wasn't a close friend.

And was it spreading gossip to tell the mutual friend, not,if you're having an affair. And no one sends a text after a drunken one nighter saying I know you feel the same.

If this woman did all she being accused of, she needs hospitalising for her own safety. It's that outlandish.

for you and everything you are going through OP.

I do think you should give this situation some more thought before finalising what you think happened. But only when you have the energy OP.

Sending you a tight squeeze and a strong brew.

Bluntness, he didn't tell her "secrets", he spoke about his feelings about a recent termination the he & the op had recently gone through that turned out to be based on medical opinion that was wrong. I'm not sure if that was clear in the OPs posts, but I know her in real-life & the situation.

She's having trouble getting signed back into MN but she is reading all your replies but obviously can't respond at the moment.

I actually trust the DP's version of events. He's been an idiot but it makes sense.

Friend turns up drunk/playing the victim. As a mutual friend he lets her in. She offloads about her relationship drama and helps herself to more wine. Conversation is steered to his relationship and he (wronglu!) Shares about the termination with her and makes some comment about it being a difficult time (poorly judged but nothing massive).

-She texts OP in the morning to make a big thing about everything
-She texts friends saying she 'spent the night' (those words have been picked deliberately because of their connotations. I've had male friends stay at mine and I've always said things like 'crashed out', 'stopped on the sofa' etc)

• She's told friends that you abd DP are on thr brink of splitting.

Not being funny about this but if I'd got into an affair with my friend's husband then I'd be playing it quietly for fear of being caught. She's waving look at me flags.
She is shit stirring and doing everything in her power to give the impression that something has happened or there's an affair.

Rhodiolia can you pass on a big UN-mumsnetty hug please x

Bluntness, he didn't tell her "secrets", he spoke about his feelings about a recent termination the he & the op had recently gone through that turned out to be based on medical opinion that was wrong

Ok, she wrote he told her about the circumstances around the termination which she didn't want people to know about, I assumed that then fell into the category of secrets, ,maybe I misread. But she did say they had emotional conversations. I could be wrong and this woman is a complete and utter nutter, but someone needs to get her help, I mean that genuinely, because if she is guilty of all she's accused of she is mentally unwell.

ReturnofSaturn

I completely agree, it usually is shit . What's with the getting angry & defensive with you? In my bitter experience this was a huge red flag

Obviously this woman is no friend but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss her as shit stirring/mental/liar.

I wouldn't believe him or trust him although op might. But let's face it, if anything did happen, it's not going to go away with this woman and I am sure op will find out the truth soon enough.

Hope you managed to have a decent conversation with him last night.

I would believe your DH.

Clearly what has happened here is that she was out on the piss. Had a fight with her BF. Knew that your DH was near by and alone. In her drunk state decided to chance her arm and went round. Poured her heart out to him and got some of his anguish in return. In the heightened emotional state she mistakes this for a bond and makes a move. Gets knocked back and has to sleep on the sofa.

I agree that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. If she was really going to start a proper affair with your DP it would be on the down low and you wouldn't know about it. She wants a man right now to fill the space of the recently gone BF so she's latched on to the nearest candidate (you did say that she ping pongs between men).

She's seen an opportunity here and gone for it with a subtlety of a JCB.

The only way to stop her is to turn it round. I would, when the occasion presents itself, tell friends how disturbed you think she is at the moment. How it's so sad about her BF and how she seems to be really struggling at the moment. If you really want to be a bitch and sticking it to hernyou could suggest that she is starting to look a bit off.

Then spend some time on your relationship with your DP and don't engage with her ever again. She's a desperate cow. It's actually really sad for her. Her life sounds a bit shit and empty. Just point that out to her.

I dont believe for a secons they slept together.

He showed you the first texts she sent him.

They said "it was lovely catching up, im here if you need to talk".

Thats not what you say to someone you've slept with.

I wonder if it's telling that although the OP has talked about her husband being a helpful partner and good father she hasn't touched on them still having a good sex life. With kids with special needs it's easy to lose that intimacy and him looking for it elsewhere is in many ways more believable than a longstanding friend suddenly turning in to a lying loon.

Would a decent man, as your DP seems to be, bang your friend with your kid upstairs and you in hospital? Very, very unlikely. Under different circumstances maybe, but thats just very unlikely for someone with any sense of a moral compass.

And my third reason for entirely trusting your DP:
Why on earth would a friend go around blatantly crowing about having slept with her friend's partner?
Nobody does that. You keep it under wraps, either because it was an awful mistake or because you want to carry on.

Fourth reason:
Early morning text. Clearly she just woke up uncomfortable on the couch and was like "right, time to get going". No languishing in bed, not even any time to have a coffee and open your eyes properly, discuss with your DP on how they were going to handle this "affair". Doesn't make sense.

Fifth reason:
Your DP knows what shes like. Why would he choose a loud mouthed drama queen for a shag? He wouldn't. Hed choose someone he could rely on to be discreet.

Bloody hell op.
How good a friend is she?
I have 4 friends who I trust completly. If they had said they had shagged my dh I would believe them.
Anyone else ide think they were lying. Doesn't mean they would be but I would trust my dh more than them.
I've had a fb message from a fake account claiming they were pregnant with dh baby.
That was 3/4 years ago we ain't moved and noones showed up with a baby.
At the end of the day it's going to come down to who you trust more. Your friend or your dh? good luck

How many times do we need to keep telling people she is NOT a longstanding friend ! Read the bloody thread. She's someone the OP has been trying to cut loose for ages due to her behaviour!!

Just been catching up with everything this morning. Sorry to hear she’s still being a pest, OP.
Have to say though, I’m not surprised in the slightest. Her first round of meddling didn’t work, you sent her a text telling her to back off (as did your DP, so you were both a united front) so she’s now pulling out all the stops by suddenly claiming they’ve slept together.
She’s not one for giving up easily, it would seem.

You’ve said you know she slept on the couch. She also has a history of being a bit ‘unhinged’ and bitchy. Your DP, however, has been honest and straight-forward right the way through this.
I still believe his side of the story here.

I don’t think your ex-friend is a loon, or mentally unwell as some have suggested. I think she’s just a plain ol’ drama queen whose only way of interacting with people is through manipulation.

I hope your other friends are supporting you and your DP.