AIBU to be angry and DP and friend wine session.

[Confusedandalone19]

I name changed and will try not to drop feed.

Me and DP have 2 kids combined.
We are child hood sweethearts but had a break in between.
Now eventually settled down together.

Friend was an old school friend of us both however was always more my friend of that makes sense.
As we have got older have become less close but still stay in contact.
( she is the eccentric, wild type )
I am currently in hospital with young DD and we are going through a really hard time as a whole unit.
So here is what happened yesteray.

I had both children at hospital with me until DP finished work at 10 pm and picked DSS up, they would not have got home until 10.45 ish.

I spoke to DP at just gone midnight every thing seemed fine nothing was mentioned about anyone being there.

This morning I woke up to a text message of my friend saying she was popped around last night but I wasn't in ( she knew I wasn't there as we have been in hospital over a week ) glad I got a chance to spend some time with ( my DP )
He was explaining how you really struggling emotionally at the minute and that things are tough followed with will replace your wine to !

I rand DP who explained she did knock last night and he welcomed her in She drunk too much wine and was asking questions and being really friendly.
She ended up sleeping on the sofa and left this morning.

I was more confused than anything I don't get

1. Why she turned up at my house at that time knowing I wasn't there

1. Why DP let her in.

1. Why they were drinking wine together

1. Why she didn't get a taxi home.

An hour ago I got a phone call from my best friend to ask if everything was ok as friend from last night had told her things seemed difficult between me and DP and that it was likely we would be seperating soon through the stress !

( this is the first I have heard about it, we get on fine )

Now DP can be a bit stupid and naive , he would do anything for anyone and genuinely is a bit of a push over at times.
His claim is....

She turned up at the door, she seemed down and asked for me, he explained I wasn't in and she asked to come in.
He allowed her in and they got talking and she helped her self to some wine and poured himself some to.
She got very drunk and they had a few emotinal conversations.
He offered to order her a taxi but she said she didn't feel save going alone early hours of the morning so asked to sleep on the sofa.

This sounds confusing I know !
I am mad at them both, not sure I should be though.

It wouldn't kill me, but then a one off drunken shag wouldn't be the end of my marriage either. There are so many women on mumsnet who seem content to live in sexless marriages or have husbands who expect them to do all the housework, neither of which I'd tolerate. To me that sort of marriage would be much worse than a husband who loved me maybe having had sex when drunk with someone he had no intention of seeing again.
If I thought he cared for another woman, or didn't love me it would be different, or if it happened more than once.
The scenario here is an unlikely one, but if it happened as the OP said then I wouldn't wreck my marriage for it. Unfortunately you can't prove a negative.

Just read the whole thread and the way it comes across is the 'friend' is fabricating the entire thing. Her text to the OH about his feelings for her was designed for the OP to read. She's insane.

Personally, if just make sure you're 100% happy with whatever explanation you get. If you don't get the answers you need now, it could impact you 5yrs down the line. Just be sure.

I don't know. I think I'd be wanting to find out why she would lie. I can see why he would, and yes she could be a totally deranged bitch but the reality is, in the real world, its fairly unusual for a friend to lie about something like this, to say they shagged your husband or whatever , it's not unusual for a husband to lie that he didn't shag your mate.

So she's probably telling the truth and that's why she told a friend they were splitting, because that's what she thought and that's what he told her, as a way of getting into her knickers. As tom jones eloquently put it.its not unusual. The other way round it is very unusual indeed

He didn't lie about anything.

Friend had form for shit stirring and being a bitch.
She saw an opportunity and tried it but got nowhere now she is trying to justify herself for texting op first thing in morning.
One drunken night on a couch and she thinks he loves her?
Right.

I think you need to be on guard against further attacks from the manipulative unhinged woman. She clearly has an agenda and you need to be prepared.

I would maybe think about threatening legal action against the slander and making sure she knows you and your partner want no further contact with her.

I don;t think this will end quietly.

I've read it all - what strikes me as odd is your 'friend' telling all and sundry the next day. If they'd slept together, a normal reaction would be shame, even if they ultimately carried on. Not normal to immediately start telling multiple friends about the termination and staying the night. I'd say this really does look like a case of her setting him up.

It is hard though, you rarely have concrete proof in these matters - I'd weigh up my long years of a faithful dh against a flakey and odd friend and he gets the benefit of any doubt.

That's exactly my reasoning Eeyore

OP you know what your 'friend' has been capable of in the past. What's her motivation?

I am surprised at the responses on this thread tbh. There are usually so many Ltb replies for a lot less and in this instance where a woman has spent the night with op's partner, people are saying, trust him, you know him, she's a liar and a bitch.

Agree @HeyX I thought no there is waaay more here than meets the eye

An ex-friend of mine tried to split up my relationship by making out I'd bad mouthed my partner to her.

She slipped up on her timing as I was with him when she said I was talking with her. She then said she was confused about when the conversation had taken place.

I cried because my partner didn't fully trust what I said happened. He was really hurt about what I'd said but I didn't say it.

Another mutual friend said she was drunk and did it to help me out as he wasn't good enough for me. She apparently believed what she was saying and that the conversation actually took place. She did subsequently have some mental health issues.

If it's clear to you she slept on the sofa then she's been found out by you to be a liar, that's all I'd need to know to believe my husband tbh - from what you've said your DH sounds like a good one

I think she's a jealous saddo love. Who would ever stoop so low as to purposely try to sleep with a married man at any time and even lower she tried to do it with dc in the house and you in hospital. She's a jealous waste of space low life belongs in the gutter

Dunno if it counts for anything but i believe your (dumbass) OH.

There are usually so many Ltb replies for a lot less and in this instance where a woman has spent the night with op's partner, people are saying, trust him, you know him, she's a liar and a bitch

This. I can't understand the reactions. Why folks are saying she's a liar and a bitch. This was her friend. From child hood. She has no previous for anything like this. Being a little flakey and self absorbed is something very different to lying and saying i shagged your husband.

And why did she go round when she wasn't there? Was there something before between them or going on? I honestly don't think this is the end of this.

In my experience a man will lie about being unfaithful. It's very, very very rare a woman will,lie she slept with your husband when she didn't.

I've reread the ops posts and there is nothing in there to justify the reaction this man is honest and this woman is a deranged evil liar.

@Bluntness100 maybe it's from experience.
Alarm flags on DH's side :

-not telling OP when she called. Answer: she was not there yet.
-letting her in in the first place . Answer: he's a dumbass that didn't want to turn away a drunkish,upset friend of his wife.
-letting her sleep over Answer: she prolly got even more drunk and was in a state/ he didn't want to sent a drunk ass woman home alone

• opening up about his relationship . Answer : they got pissed and had an emotional talk. She admits herself all might not be as she said when she teaxted him she might've misunderstood.

Alarm flags for her:

• turning up after 12 am,claiming she texted OP (when she didn't) and got no answer
• texting OP AND all their friends about the "night together"
• texting OP's friend OP's relationship is on the last leg
• not texting OP all day but texting her partner with wishy washy text book bullshit.
• only tells OP what supposedly happened AFTER telling friends and AFTER OP sent her a fuck off text.
• the answers to OP's OH angry texts about her lies once again is wishy washy text book,open to interpretation (which she will no doubt twist-not confirming anything,not denying anything and leaving the door open just in case).

Even if you find some plausible answers for her attitude,that would justify her actions and confirmation of an affair,she's not in any way remorseful and a shit friend that OP shouldn't touch with a barge pole.

The fact he doesn't want you to contact her would be ringing alarm bells.

You sound very strong to deal with this & everything else op, I really hope her story isn't true.

hey were drinking and he started confiding in her personal details about his relationship. It's easy to imagine how it went further.

This.

You are probably never going to find out the truth now. I have a hard time believing your husband is so naive that he let her stay. I also don't understand why he didn't tell you that morning.

She sounds like an arsehole so I can see why you are doubting her. Either way, she has to go.

I feel you because I would have trouble believing either of them. I most certainly would be extremely suspicious of my husband in this situation.

I believe there is way more than meets the eye too. I hope I am wrong

she's not in any way remorseful and a shit friend that OP shouldn't touch with a barge pole

I totally agree, my bigger issue personally would be him though. I'd want to know if he'd fucked my friend. She'd be gone,history,without a second thought, but my man focus would be on him, amd I'm struggling to see what the op has written that makes some folks so certain this man is innocent. As said I don't think this is the end of it.

And why did she go round when she wasn't there? Was there something before between them or going on? I honestly don't think this is the end of this.

Yeah, it is all a bit convenient isn't it? She turns up when she knows OP isn't there. He lets her in and lets her stay and confides in her. She is now claiming she slept with him.

The chances are there is something going on between them and has been for a while. She may have got turned down and this is why she is lying, or maybe she is telling the truth.

A friend doesn't go from being relatively 'normal' to trying to wreck your marriage overnight. She has never done this before so why now? People don't just turn like that as a rule.

The more I think about it it is pretty nonsensical to think this is all on her.

The OP said ages ago that she'd pulled back from her friendship with this woman a while ago because she didn't like her behaviour. RTFT. The woman is not a trusted friend.

Oh yeah. He shagged her alright.

He was naive and stupid. She is a manipulative madam. I don't doubt they got pissed and exchanged sob stories and that was a breach of your privacy. This is stupidity but also a sign that he needs to talk things through. She took full advantage of the situation and has opted to assume that a pissed up conversation and a night on the sofa (where a ten year old could walk in at any time remember) equals a declaration of love. What will drive her nuts is if you both present a united front of boredom with her bollocks, ignore her protestations and work things through privately.

I had a termination OP and while I know I made the right choice and I'm not ashamed it's not something I've told everyone. I wouldn't be be mad at my dh if he needed to talk and confided in a close friend friend or family member, I spoke to my friend for support so can totally understand dh needing the same.

That's not what your DH did though and I'd be massively hurt too if my dh had chosen to confide our problems with a woman he didn't know well enough to trust not to gossip, and I'd be even more hurt about the situation he chose to put himself in which lead to him confiding about our marriage my personal medical info.

A drunk woman who neither of you counts as a close friend turns up at midnight looking for you.
He chooses to let her in, he chooses to give more alcohol to a woman he knows is already drunk, he chooses to confide in her about your termination, he chooses to let her sleep over.

I can't see how anything he says can make what they did ok. You don't say if he was drunk too, but either way it's bad. if he was drunk and shared stuff he wouldn't have sober, then I'd be wondering if he was drunk and had also been over intimate, not saying they have shagged either but can easily see a situation where's he's telling her about how upset he is about a, b or c, she gives him a hug, they kiss or whatever. If he wasn't drunk then he chose to tell her private stuff with a sober mind.

OP did your dh know how you felt about your friend, did he know you'd distances yourself due her behaviour, about the hassle she gave you at the time?

If he did it makes him choosing to drink the early hours away with her and confide about your marriage with her all the more odd. Your post where he said he didn't want either of you having contact with her was a red flag and as other pps have mentioned, some of his later behaviour is suss too.

Your friend was inappropriate, but so was your dp. If it was reversed and you'd sat drinking and confiding about your marriage with a friend of his who neither of you are close to after he'd turned up drunk at midnight and you'd let him stay over, and your do hears about it from said mate the next morning, would your dp be so understanding and out it all down to you being naive?

for everything you've been through and still are going through. I truly hope nothing has happened but it would take a long time for me to trust him again for discussing our marriage and my medical info with a casual friend like he did.

FWIW, I think he has been a fool. But not a cheating bastard.

She is a shit stirrer and was vv quick to spread insinuations and then lies. So quick that it is like she planned it or has even done it before.

You've both been going through a really tough time. Now is the time to be kind to yourselves and each other. And cut this awful woman out of your life.