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Original poster

To not want to take this child's sibling too?

336 replies

Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 09:57

Off for a day out today for DD's birthday and have invited her friend to come with us. She's an absolutely lovely kid and I'm more than happy to have her come along, she comes out with us quite a lot.

Have just had a text from her mum to ask if we can also take her sister with us too as she (mum) isn't feeling very well today and it would really help her out.

Normally, I would be happy to help but I really don't want to take her sister too. She used to come round 2/3 years ago when the girls were younger but I had to put a stop to it as she caused so much drama. She constantly argues with her sister, makes her cry, kicked the dog while he was asleep to get him to move out of her way Angry and was consistently unkind to my DD too. She's 12, very sullen and generally would make the day miserable for everyone.

She also, I very strongly believe, took some things from my house and money from my purse. I didn't tell her mum at the time (I know I should have) because she was going through a horrendous time at that point and didn't want to make things worse. I've since found out that she did the same at another friends house (who did tell mum so she is aware of the problem). After the dog and money incidents (on the same day) I just put a stop to her coming round by generally engineering it that way. (So I basically took the easy way out).

I feel like a bitch for not helping this woman out if she's not well but I really don't want to take this girl along too and I'm well aware that I sound like an utter cow for saying this about a 12 year old kid but it's really going to spoil the day for DD and her friend. I also don't know what to say to her mum.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 27/08/2017 19:27

Oh do bugger off GreenTulips.

SN's got nothing to do with this - the OP's DD wanted to take her mate out for the day for her birthday. End of story. I can't imagine either of them wanted her little sister there, even if she were totally charming.

Well done OP!!

caroline161 · 27/08/2017 19:37

The 12 year old probably put her up to it, you know but short of cash so wanted an opportunity to rifle through your purse.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2017 19:38

Oh do bugger off GreenTulips

Thanks

NewDaddie · 27/08/2017 19:40

I was going to comment on @GreenTulips post but @JigglyTuff said it better than I could.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2017 19:46

All I'm saying is that children can put pressure on their parents and tug at the heart strings

The 12 year old maybe struggling with issues (we know this because OP said it herself) She's probably made her own friendships difficult and can't understand why her sister gets invited out and not her.

OP should not feel responsible for the girl or offer to take her out - but maybe the mum was under pressure to at least ask.

It's horrible having a child who you know fucks up every friendship and play date for whatever reason - and you know the parents won't invite them back - but you can't protect them from themselves

Like I said I wouldn't ask - her sister needs time away and the mum should facilitate outings.

Strange how it always 'takes a village' except when it doesn't

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2017 19:52

I totally get that Green, dd 10 has ASD and learning difficulties, and I had to take her home from the park today as she was spitting at other children, ruining her little brothers playtime there. Whilst she behaves inappropriately, it is hard for her to have friends like her brother, so she sees him going on playdates and why she can't go too Sad. I would never ever ask my sons friends parents to take her along too. It would never cross my mind tbh.

Original poster
Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 19:56

I know what you're saying Green, honestly.

Her mum might be at her wits end with her for all I know, but I felt I had to put DD first IYKWIM?

OP posts:
Mycarsmellsoflavender · 27/08/2017 19:59

Greentulips in that case, why lie about it to the OP? Why couldn't her friend have taken her aside and asked if she could take DD2 because she felt left out rather than because of a fictitious illness and then piling on a guilt trip when the OP said no? Or better still, invite the OP's DD around herself to play with both her DD's? She's a chancer. And I say this as a parent of 2 children with ASD.

Earlyriser84 · 27/08/2017 20:01

Greentulips the CFM wanted to get pissed in the garden with no kids around. That's all there is to it !

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 20:12

@Wilburissomepig, definitely, it was a birthday treat so it was simply an extremely entitled request on the mum's part.

I have a DD who is hard work but a birthday play date is not an offer to babysit. It's not your responsibility, end of. She was also being very unfair on her other DD.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2017 20:30

why lie about it to the OP?

Because maybe it's easier to tell a little fib than to say 'Hi I'm really struggling with DD and feeling in desperate need of a break and would be very grateful if you could have DD as well. She's been playing up as she's desperate to tag along and nagging me to ask you ...... '

I think the mum expected you to say no, but wanted to show DD that you said no so she's not the 'bad' guy again -

Don't feel guilty - she's not your responsibility and would hate to think you feel that way - that's just life for some children

(Still hoping DD finds her tribe)

MadMags · 27/08/2017 21:11

@GreenTulips by offering the other perspective though, how else will OP feel except guilty?

I too take your point. I see it with my nephew. He doesn't really have friends because of various issues, and it is sad...

But this was OP's dd's birthday. Even if mum was under pressure from the 12 Year old, a birthday trip out is not the time to ask, surely?

TathitiPete · 27/08/2017 21:32

If this 12 year old girl does have any issues with socialising - and it's all speculation, we've not been given any reason to believe she has - then surely having her tag along with her sisters friends is not the way to go.

And if her sister is away for the day then it seems like it would be a good day for CFW to invite someone for her DD to play with. Except of course for the fact that she's 'not feeling well'. Wine

chewingawasp · 27/08/2017 21:40

You need to post on FB " that's not the only cheeky thing"

JigglyTuff · 27/08/2017 21:44

GreenTulips - I have a child with SN who doesn't get invited to anything very much. That's horrible for him (and me) but it isn't anyone else's problem. It's the OP's DD's birthday. It should be about her. Not about her mate's sister.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2017 21:54

Which is exactly what I said

TalkinBoutNuthin · 27/08/2017 21:59

Okay, as funny as the suggestions for a reply are, Wilbur, this is the mother of your DD's friend. Bite your lip, sit on your hands, and DON'T be tempted to reply to the post.

You are never OBLIGATED to take the younger sister out with you (sometimes it may be a nice thing to do, if she's not too much of a PITA, maybe you have a friend who has a child that age that you could catch up with as well, children are often less of a problem if they have a playmate of their own?) But today in particular, when it's all about your DD, you were definitely not obligated to take her out.

missmollyhadadolly · 27/08/2017 22:06

My DD1 argues with DD2 as well and storms off in a huff

Is it always DD1 that argues with DD2 and never vice versa, Mittens?

JigglyTuff · 27/08/2017 22:08

Obviously my comprehension skills are off. I thought you were saying it would be perfectly understandable for someone with a child with SN to seek to fob them off on another family.

Glad that wasn't the case!

Stormwhale · 27/08/2017 22:11

Well done op. From one people pleaser to another!

The mum was definitely suffering from cheeky-fucker-itis, which I think may be a life long condition so please prepare yourself to refuse future cheeky requests.

Hope you and your dd had a great time out today.

missmollyhadadolly · 27/08/2017 22:11

This thread reminds me of when I was 6 and I took my dad off on a walk to talk about he could suggest to my 19 yo sister that she should take me on her day out with friends.

I remember cringing in my corner when he just came right out with it and told her missmolly wants to come too!

Luckily, I have vague memories of a happy day so hopefully sister wasn't annoyed!

Magicnumbers · 27/08/2017 22:15

OP, thank you- I was literally browsing through for a thread like this just now. Similar circumstances- my DD and her pal are lovely together. But the one playdate at my house with pal and pal's older sister was the stuff of nightmares. While the 5 year olds played beautifully, the 10 year old went through my jewellery and make up, caused dramas with the younger girls, jumped on furniture like a trampoline and was nasty to the cat- despite me telling her to stop. She's not welcome again.

I am also a people pleaser. It's exhausting, all the fretting over social stuff. I have been so worried about how to get DD and pal together (outside the house) without older sis. Your thread has really helped me get some courage and stick to my guns without guilt!

MammaTJ · 27/08/2017 22:33

My 12 year old DD would take great delight in taking care of me, I really don't get this!

MammaTJ · 27/08/2017 22:37

She's just posted on FB with her mate about having a 'cheeky vino'. That term in itself makes me want to vom. A 'glad you're feeling better' comment from me would be churlish ...

No, it would be totally appropriate!! Do it!!

Gemini69 · 27/08/2017 23:12

well done OP.. Flowers

lots of happy endings to todays Mumsnet'ing... I love it lol x

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