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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

188 replies

ClaireMumtoThree · 27/08/2017 00:21

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 27/08/2017 19:02

If you can't afford it yanbu. But with £1300 odd in maintenance, owning your house thus having no mortgage to pay and being entitled to around £700 of child tax credits and child bens of £192 (and possibly other benefits) each month, you shouldn't be struggling for money.

milliemolliemou · 27/08/2017 19:29

Sorry - worked all my life some of it in London.

Slightly cross with PP who said the OP was a SAHM with children at school so why can't she work? Very easy to say when you've given up a good career because you trust your DH and are supporting him and children round the world. Many qualifications don't transfer and retraining is hard if you're settling children in numerous different schools.

I believe OP is trying. But if you have late primary/secondary school children (is this right) then it's hard to get a job that fits drop off/collection without seeing your earnings go up in smoke with childcare especially if you haven't kept up your skills.

Perhaps OP can say what her current monthly income is. Her first post said the income had dropped by £2400 - so presumably that was pcm rather than annual since the latter would hardly make much difference and certainly not being able to run a car being just £200pcm less a month.. If that £2400 was 64% of the pcm, does anyone else make that an original £4000 pcm? So she's now getting £1600pcm for all stuff in London (mortgage-free).

I'm not sure what I think. Nor why the amount should have been reduced without her being notified especially if the original was a clean break court order. Or why this is muddied by a police recommendation she shouldn't contact him because he's been abusive.

If I were her I would be researching as other PPs have suggested a way to get them up to ?Bedford? more cheaply and checking they can be properly met the other end. Hard to do if her ExH's wife doesn't seem willing to speak and she can't talk to her husband.

user1500161471 · 27/08/2017 20:00

Getting back to the original question, I still don't think it's cut and dried. OP only has to do the journey a couple of times a year. While the father is the non resident parent, who's to say that he didn't move for cheaper accommodation to still have a life for himself and his children after paying out a significant amount on maintenance and spousal support, including the OPs ability to buy a house in London. So in the grand scheme of things, what's a couple of journeys to factor in?

steff13 · 27/08/2017 20:02

Secondly, it sounds as if your Ex wants to airbrush you and the kids out of his new life.

But the OP said if she didn't pick the kids up, their father would just keep them. Didn't sounds like he's trying to get rid of them to me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2017 20:27

But the OP said if she didn't pick the kids up, their father would just keep them

But how much of that would be because he wants to keep them and how much is to make sure that she didnt do it again, and made the journey? I just cant help thinking that now it is three times in the holiday, then it will go to every other visit all year round and so on.

It just smacks of him ]setting the OP up to fail so he can either go for custody so saving himself the maintenance or not seeing them at all and being able to say that its all her fault.

Motoko · 27/08/2017 22:16

I can't imagine the 2nd wife would want to have his 3 children living with them, especially as she has 3 of her own.

Motoko · 27/08/2017 22:17

Forgot to add, she doesn't even want to be responsible for them on a train.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2017 22:23

I agree that she will be unlikely to want them and her being involved in the refusal to assist the OP makes me think it is more likely to be an attempted airbrushing, with him being able to blame the OP for the fact that he doesnt see them.

My ex pulled a similar stunt.

MaisyPops · 27/08/2017 22:37

PyongyangKipperbang
But thr father is sorting all the term time contact travel out.

This is a couple of tripa a year

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2017 23:20

It sars as a couple of rips a year.....

I know that I am very cynical but I had his happen to me.

It was never about seeing the kids because if it had been then he wouldnt have wanted them doing that journey. It wasnt about setting me up as the bad guy that stopped him seeing them. 17 years since we saw him.....I'm sure its still all my fault Hmm

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/08/2017 23:25

Sorry for ypos!! Missing a buon on my keyboard and have o go back and fill *hem in and I keep missing some!

Marzipants · 27/08/2017 23:43

Gosh, what a lot of replies. I hope you do still facilitate the children seeing their father.

It is worth getting a family railcard to help with the cost of the train fare (you get a third off).

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/08/2017 00:14

I hope you do still facilitate the children seeing their father.

She is! Hmm

He is the one that moved away and should suck up the extra travel, not the OP who has stayed put.

There is a difference beween "facilitating" and doing it for him.

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