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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

188 replies

ClaireMumtoThree · 27/08/2017 00:21

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

OP posts:

SpareASquare · 27/08/2017 04:48

I have had to grit my teeth and do plenty of things I don't think are fair or simply don't want to do because it is FOR my children. It's not about who did what, when or how, it's about what is best for them and it's often at odds with what I want to do.

If he pays maintenance for the children AND for you, I'd be inclined to continue to take them especially as they seem to do their share as well.

I'd find the money. I find it difficult to believe you can't find the money. YOU have an obligation to financially support your children as well you realise?

Ilovetolurk · 27/08/2017 06:36

I am torn here as the children should see their father.

But he was the one who moved away increasing your travel costs in the context of reduced income for you.

Therefore I think you should say to him if you want me to bring them to you, you either give me money for the tickets or buy them for me.

Ivymaud · 27/08/2017 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 06:53

why have the police said you can't have direct contact with your ex?

honeyroar · 27/08/2017 07:07

I don't understand. How can the maintenance have been set by a judge and then he's cut it so much? Can't you go back to the court?

MavisFlumpTheFairy · 27/08/2017 07:14

Why can't the term time arrangements continue during the holidays? Or are the children weekly borders at school near exH?
I think you either need to go back to Court and challenge his decision or go for CMS.
I can't imagine his new wife being impressed if he collected your DCs and kept them!

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 27/08/2017 07:22

User the OP said that her car has failed it's MOT and she can't afford the repairs. So she will have to get a train to Bedford which will cost her £45 for her ticket alone plus £6 for each of the dc. That's quite a lot of money. Although I don't know why it's so expensive - we live in Cambridgeshire, similar distance from Bedford to London and an adult off peak return without a rail card is about £25 from our nearest station.

OP, your ex dh moved away so he should fund the cost of the children (and you as you need to go with them) getting to Bedford. And he should be paying you the full maintenence agreed by the court.

AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 07:26

but why is she not allowed to contact her ex husband

This is pretty relevant I think

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 27/08/2017 07:26

Horrified at the number of people who think that children are pay per view. They're not.

It's very simple, the OP's financial arrangements have changed through decision of the family court, so clearly there is a way this has happened. This means that the OP can no longer afford the lifestyle she has become used to since splitting with her ex, and one of those things is living in central London.

The OP owns a house outright in London which she clearly can no longer afford to live in so the first change should happen with the OP moving out of central London and into a more affordable area. Given she owns all the equity in her home she could pretty much afford to buy anywhere in the country yet her choices are to refuse to pay a £45 rail fare five times a year and cut of the relationship with her children's father instead? This has nothing to do with finance and everything to do with spite.

As the OP is not working she's not forced to stay living where she currently is. And I speak as an ex wife

AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 07:27

And she's bought a house and gets £1200 a month maintenance- assuming she's claiming benefits on top which she should be I don't see how she can be so broke. Plus not getting a job and the youngest is 9? More to this than meets the eye

RonSwansonsMoustache · 27/08/2017 07:30

Why has the family court cut your maintenance and why aren't you allowed to contact your ex directly?

There's much more to this story and I expect there'll a massive and even more identifiable drip feed to come.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 27/08/2017 07:32

There is a lot of past tense in your op - he had a job in the city etc - I assume he no longer has such a high paying job? In which case how do you expect him to maintain the original standard of maintenance?

Secondly - just to make the point his wifes salary is irrelevant.

O/T that's quite a good gig you've been on, that is an unprecedented level of maintenance., which would always stop one day, be it because he died/got made redundant/changed his job/the kids get past 18.

I'm afraid I have very little sympathy for someone who cannot budget 14,500 tax free plus a shed load of benefits. Do as your DH did, move somewhere cheaper.

Out of curiosity - have you run it through the maintenance calculator? I bet he's still paying over the odds.

Foxtrot92 · 27/08/2017 07:39

Not allowed contact off ex husband but happy to except his money for herself? Nice.

Get a job and support yourself. Entitled and fucking cheeky.

OrangeButton · 27/08/2017 07:41

OPs not allowed to have contact with ex plus had one on one and group therapy. Two children with IBS which can result from extreme stress (but not always). Safe to say that she doesn't need people being harsh here.

OP I'd make sure all contact with wife (him) is in writing only. Highlight that you want to facilitate contact between kids and father. Highlight that you can't afford the train tickets and bullet out the options that work for you (she collect from yours, she meets at station etc), that you've suggested these before and and then tell them to pick. Firm but friendly tone. I also suspect they're trying to airbrush your kids out, however, it's good to have things in writing for the future, especially when dealing with a difficult character, as I suspect your ex is.

In terms of him not returning them, assuming he takes them, I'd suggest that you forgo whatever you can to afford the return ticket to collect the kids on a set date and time.

But most of all this just sounds part of a long-running horrendous situation.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 27/08/2017 07:48

The key - the OP isn't allowed to contact the ExH ... that's advice from the police not a court order, but it also indicative that the ExH is at some point the victim, be that abuse/stalking etc.

OrangeButton · 27/08/2017 07:54

And it's common knowledge that there are a high % of psychopaths working in the City. Who knows if OPs ex is one, but the chances are certainly higher than in other fields.

The income she thought she would have, and set her life and her kids' lives up on has dropped dramatically. Just because you can budget on less, so what?! If she was awarded X amount that's what she was entitled to. And his career definitely benefitted from her international moves. No question there, it's how that game works.

NotMyPenguin · 27/08/2017 07:55

Why can't he do pick up? Why is this automatically your responsibility rather than his?

heidiwine · 27/08/2017 07:57

And it's common knowledge that there are a high % of psychopaths working in the City. Who knows if OPs ex is one, but the chances are certainly higher than in other fields.

This is a joke right??

AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 07:58

Why can't he do pick up? Why is this automatically your responsibility rather than his?

Because the op isn't allowed to contact him as per police advice maybe?

Until the op explains this all advice on here is moot

Janeismymiddlename · 27/08/2017 07:58

just to make the point his wifes salary is irrelevant

In the context of maintenance payments, yes. But in the context of household juggling to meet the costs of travel for contact with children it isn't.

London which she clearly can no longer afford to live in so the first change should happen with the OP moving out of central London and into a more affordable area. Given she owns all the equity in her home she could pretty much afford to buy anywhere in the country yet her choices are to refuse to pay a £45 rail fare five times a year and cut of the relationship with her children's father instead? This has nothing to do with finance and everything to do with spite

What a shed load of assumptions. I'll make some of my own, perhaps? The cost of moving? Work prospects? Managing travel into London (where work prospects are undoubtedly best) and childcare timings as a single parent. The ex has moved to be with his new wife, not as a means of managing money. Travel is a two way process - why should one parent bare that cost in full?

Not allowed contact off ex husband but happy to except his money for herself?

Lack of contact would suggest some level of abuse. So we are now saying that women should present themselves to their abusive ex's if they want maintenance? Children of abusive failed relationships don't need maintenance? And it's 'accept', not 'except'.

Plus not getting a job and the youngest is 9? More to this than meets the eye
Missed the part about illness? Managing hospital,appointments? Own career prospects reduced as a result of travelling to further ex's career?

ChevalierTialys · 27/08/2017 08:01

Agree with pp. He moved away, travel to ensure contact is now his problem.

HowzatCat · 27/08/2017 08:02

You must feel very bereft and a bit at sea over all the changes that have happened in your life. Your children sound very stressed and having their parents not be able to sort contact really won't be helping. In the kindest possible way you need a huge rethink and a new plan. It sounds like your EXH is either in a much lower paid job or more likely he's now consulting and can more easily hide income. Either way he's not going to pay you more and I'd guess will lower what he pays even further in the future.

As upsetting as it is it sounds like you need to move and find a job. None of that is easy. But you're going to have to put on a cheery brace face for the kids. Telling kids you have a choice between food and seeing their dad isn't fabulous for their mental health.

What did family court say about the travel arrangements? The travel costs would have been considered or were they overlooked? You always have the option to go back to court but that will be expensive.

dertyyuoih2 · 27/08/2017 08:02

None of us know the background of what has happened and there are two sides to every story.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. You have to just say that and that's that. You can't magic money from thin air if you don't have any.

Ultimately the kids need to see you both and some agreement has to be reached. If it can't be then maybe the court can decide it?

OP if things are that dire I'd look at the household expenses, budget. If you don't meal plan already, do it. Saves a fortune. If you have an Aldi near by or Lidl use it.
Household bills can you change energy supplier so it's cheaper? Cut sky tv if you have it to freeview?
Do you get all the benefits you are entitled too?

AdalindSchade · 27/08/2017 08:04

Lack of contact would suggest some level of abuse. So we are now saying that women should present themselves to their abusive ex's if they want maintenance?

She is the one not allowed to contact him according to her post. That doesn't indicate that he was abusive to her.

LML83 · 27/08/2017 08:12

YANBU

You had a car, now you dont so you can no longer drop off. (this is clearly due to maintenance cut but the main reason is no car.)

My only concern would be if you don't will he bother to see them?

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