AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

[ClaireMumtoThree]

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

take some responsibility for yourself you leech.
What an appalling and aggressive comment Fireworks.
No need to be so unpleasant and says more about you than the other person.

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to OP? I'm a single mum with 3 dc and I get about £290 a week in income support, child benefit and tax credits and I'm able to run a cheap car on that. If you're struggling to buy food you can get a referral to a food bank. It's worth getting a benefits check now your income has decreased. I don't think it's fair just to not do the drop offs as the dc will miss their dad and it would be hard on them. If you set out your income and outgoings we can help you budget and see where you could be getting more income or dropping some outgoings.

Yes I said in the post I'm looking for work. You're absolutely right, but at the time with the divorce it was such a mess and two of our three children have had problems with IBS so a lot of time off school. It's been quite a serious and complicated situation. I have really needed to support our children. I had group and one on one therapy for several years. I was just wondering what other people thought/ did about arrangements for pickup dropoff at contact.

If your dc have additional care needs due to medical issues you can claim DLA for them which will bring more income in.

Primrosebee thanks, their dad has a car (he pays exactly the same a month for his car as he does child maintenance) so it wouldn't mean the children don't see him. It's just now he's reduced £ so much and I don't have a car, I'm asking him to collect and in fact I'm offering to take them to the station that his wife uses but she won't meet me. It really feels like they get some weird pleasure out of making me go up to Bedford and back, to drop my kids on their doorstep and come home. I just heard a terrible story on fb of all the things the ex husband told the second wife about the first, who knows what he's told her about me. And I just agreed to the contact schedule for next year - which she put together for my children & their dad, I usually do it - so it fits in with her kids.

"f you're struggling to buy food you can get a referral to a food bank. It's worth getting a benefits check now your income has decreased. I don't think it's fair just to not do the drop offs as the dc will miss their dad and it would be hard on them"

So the OP should use a food bank so shes got money to spare so that she should do a journey that her ex should be doing?????!!!!!!!!!

Bloody hell.

Your ex should pay what was agreed and if not he should do pick up and drop off.

I don't understand why you even have to ask if you are unreasonably and have opened yourself up to the usual horrendous comments on AIBU, OP. Of course it is your ex's responsibility to collect and drop off his children. Don't even worry about it. Just tell him calmly that arrangements have changed and he will have to sort it out himself. End of story.

Good luck getting back into the workforce. I can completely understand why your career stalled.

Laughing at the idea that the children of a high earner should access the food bank because daddy is too mean to actually support his own children.

Yes in a ideal world it be great if both parents were apart of the pick up/drop offs for the children, but if you find yourself struggling to he able to do it anymore for whatever reasons car/ train fares you need to communicate it to they father & if he's a reasonable man both of you should be able to come to some different arrangement that suits you all, if hes not then I'm afraid you got a choice to make either keep forking out money you haven't really got & keep taking children yourself or refuse to that arrangement & point out factors such as he choose to move away, he changed the divorce settlement so you need to change a few things too & run the possibility he may not come & pick them up & the kids lose time with they father which oc if he's that way inclined will be all your fault as to why they missed a visit with him,
Its a tough one but no your not being unreasonable to me you got a issue with taking them there & as they parents you both should support each other & both should be coming up with a new agreement together that suits you both and the children.

Just ask him to buy & send you the tickets each time (for all of you )if he requires you all to travel to Bedford?

If not he can make the journey himself.

As long as you make the kids available for access then thats fine. If he doesnt want to come and fetch them its all on him and there is no come back for you.

Email him making it clear that they will be available on X day for Ydays of contact and that you will expect him to fetch them. By doing that, you have fulfilled your part of the deal.

I had a second wife who seemed to positively revel in the difficulties she could cause me. Never bite, they love that. Dont contact her, dont speak to her. Your only contact needs to be with him, so if she emails or texts, ignore and reply only to him. Thankfully DD is now 20 so we can both ignore them.

This too shall pass.

And think of it this way.....he changed the maintenance, so why cant you change the travel arrangements? Works both ways....

Thanks Pallisers, he isn't too mean to pay he's just paying about a third of what he agreed so he does pay. It's just now I can't afford to cover what I did previously and taking the kids to his house is one of them. If he collects he just won't bring them back, that's the problem. The best solution is just for me to take the children to St Pancras to meet their stepmum who goes through there. She has refused, she said "not my problem".

Thankyou PyongyangKipperbang, problem is I sort logistics with his wife as the police have told me to have no direct contact with my ex.

If he collects he just won't bring them back, that's the problem.

So he'd keep them despite the agreement about residency? What about school? Their friends? Their lives?

OP just tell him you can't afford to do the drop offs/pick ups any more and would he please let you know what the arrangements are and you'll have the children ready. Just that - no need for too many explanations or anything just this is the new reality - just as your reduced maintenance is the new reality.

Why are you not allowed any direct contact with him?

Sounds like there is far more to this than just contact issues.

If his wife is at the station I don't understand why she won't take them to Bedford.

OP have you looked into buying a family rail card. It would get your adult fare at a cheaper rate.

Otherwise, unless he sends you the ticket money he can forget seeing them.

It will show if he really wants to see them. He's happily with his stepchildren and I'll bet that's part of the reason he reduced maintenance.

I would clearly state that you can't afford to make the trip and leave it with him.

If you believe he won't bring them back, then don't let them go to him. He can either cough up the travel costs or not see his children.

If he really wants to see them, he will pay the fares.

If his wife is at the station I don't understand why she won't take them to Bedford

I can.

They moved away so being able to see the OP's kids are already reduced. Lower the maintenance so she will struggle to fulfil her part of the shared transport agreement, then refuse to assist with transport.

All adds up to an attempt to air brush the OP and her kids out of the new family's world.

Given the calculations that some people are suggesting the maintenance would be at, and adding on the relevant additional benefits/credits etc, it looks to me that this decision isn't financial but spiteful. If it has been approved by family court to reduce the payments then it's not your ex that has reduced the payments but rather court has. Your children are equally your responsibility and it seems bizarre to me that a couple of drives during the holidays would result in such financial hardship that your children wouldn't have food provided.

You know, there's an awful lot of identifying info in your posts op.

user the OP lives in London, where she lived with her ex before he moved away, I can well believe that the percentage drop she is talking about is causing her serious financial issues given the costs of rent etc where she is.

I think that's the point Ohwhat

Pyongyang, I'm still struggling to believe that the car costs for a couple trips in the holidays will reduce their deprivation that much? Surely with costs in London that recovered money would be a drop in the ocean?

They probably think that because you aren't working you have the time to do the drop offs.
Does the fact that there are 3 children living in his home (his wife's children) change the amount he pays? I know it does if it's paid via the child maintenance service.

Pyongyang The OP bought a house outright with money from the settlement. She doesn't pay rent or mortgage. And her ex's mum or wife pick up the children every weekend during term time. So I'm not sure about this. But if you can't afford it then you can't afford it. He'll have to sort something out.