AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

[ClaireMumtoThree]

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

I don't think the OP needs to change anything- she says she's looking for a job. Her financial situation is the worst it'll ever be. When she's working she'll have a mortgage free London home building great equity.

Life will get better OP. I've had a few friends in your scenario. Fwiw high earners can be FUCKING CRAZY and if I posted what some close friends had been through with them
No one would believe it. Of course poor people can be crazy too 🙄 But they don't tend to be able to control people with money and power

But you continue on your one woman mission to make all ex wives feel stupid for trusting that the man who said he would always be there

He still IS there - for his kids!
It's not HIS fault the op feels entitled to have her whole life paid for by him or can't manage her budget!

First of all if you want a job. Do. Not. Leave. London. It's the easiest place in the UK to find work and I wouldn't take the risk of leaving during Brexit. You need to find a job and fast as the payments could reduce further.

Secondly, it sounds as if your Ex wants to airbrush you and the kids out of his new life. I've seen this before. I've seen two guys abandon their biological kids to set up shop with a new woman and play doting dad to the step kids.

Thirdly (and I'm not having a go) but this is why I would never give up my job and prioritise my husbands. The number of women I know in precarious positions because they don't work is scary. It's too late for you but to any woman thinking of prioritising their DHs career - always ensure you have some level of financial independence.

Totally agree Capricorn. Women need to keep working and ensure their career is on a level with their partners. 50/50 finances and childcare. Don't give it up to become a trailing spouse

His children, but you and his wife appear to be doing all the discussion/negotiating over who will transport them to him?

And if the OP hasn't worked for thirteen years then it's unlikely she's going to secure a well paid job anyway in the short term, and while there might be jobs in London there is also a lot more competition for the jobs there are, so I wouldn't consider London to be a jobs haven by any stretch.

It's not about London being a jobs haven, but it is a better job market than pretty much anywhere else in the UK, certain niche fields aside. Lots more competition for those jobs? I'd like to see some stats for that.

Can't link to stats at the moment as on phone but on average admin jobs in London have between 150/200 applicants.

Added to which the OP has been a SAHM for thirteen years and with the best will in the world that is going to count against her wherever she lives. But if she sels the house in London she will free up some capital to be able to buy somewhere elsewhere with a more affordable lifestyle.

if the OP cannot afford to survive on £1600 a month with no mortgage then she needs to alter her outgoings. That's not a criticism it's a fact. If she can't alter those outgoings simply by changing her spending habits on the current money she's on then she needs to move somewhere where it's cheaper to live.

With two primary aged children childcare costs will be astronomical if she manages to get work in London and she will likely not be financially any better off. Childminders in the area I live in for instance charge £25 a day for school pick-up/drop-off or £40 a day for both. With two children that's £400 a week before you even factor in holiday childcare.

With regards to the children travelling to see their dad, there's no reason why the children can't be put on a train and either be met or get a cab to their dad's at the other end. If the thirteen year old is at school in London he'll be used to using public transport anyway.

That's a really bizarre stat and wonder how it can possibly stack up- I am recruiting for an admin role in west London ATM and it's really hard to find candidates. The various recruitment agencies I am using have reiterated that. But, I think maybe you're making an assumption that admin is unskilled and anyone can do it whereas a good admin person is very hard to find and important to keep.

OP could easily temp or do bar work etc though

You'd also need to know how many applicants jobs outside London attract, though. And not just admin. I recall a new Asda opening in the area of Belfast where my cousin lives and they stopped accepting new applications after the first 200 in 24 hours.

In terms of living somewhere cheaper, is Central London with children particularly expensive if you set aside housing costs, which she doesn't have, and childcare which she isn't paying now and may not need much of even if working? She's near to jobs, the kids can use buses for free if needed, there's lots within walking distance and food's not dearer is it? I agree about altering outgoings, but it remains to be seen whether moving away from Central London is the way to do that, especially as there's no guarantee whatsoever of being able to work elsewhere.

I don't understand the point in moving out of London when you have no housing costs either. London is cheaper than so many places once you take housing out

I've been reading the thread and it seems the OP is refusing to say why she can't or won't work?? Her DCs are in school so there's no reason why she shouldn't be working at least part-time, as a cleaner if she can't get anything else in the meantime.

I can understand why her exh is fed up with paying over the odds, and I imagine so is his new wife.

Am I right that she hasn't answered the question?

I don't understand the point in moving out of London when you have no housing costs either. London is cheaper than so many places once you take housing out

Because even though she has no rent/mortgage she's still struggling.

If she moved out of London, she'd be able to buy outright, but her money would go much further as she wouldn't be dealing with London prices.

Mittens1969 I say in the original post that I am looking for work.

Ron she already owns a house outright. She's struggling because she has no job: and she's going to get one.

What would be her advantage of moving elsewhere?

I know she does. My point is living costs in London are higher than other parts of the country. So even without a mortgage, she's still coping with London costs of living (childcare, transport costs, council tax, congestion charge etc.) whereas outside of London, she'd still have no mortgage, but the money she has would go further as the other costs will go down.

London childcare costs for three kids could easily wipe out a wage and then some just with before/after school care alone. Whereas in other parts of the country, those things are more affordable. London is a nice city and has great connections and culture, but it's expensive and if you're struggling without having to pay rent/mortgage, the obvious solution is to move somewhere cheaper.

The children are at school and she's a SAHM- why would there be childcare costs?

Everywhere else you mention is cheaper in London and I say that as someone else who moved out to "the shires"

If she moved out of London, she'd be able to buy outright, but her money would go much further as she wouldn't be dealing with London prices.

What necessities, apart from housing, are more expensive in London?

Given that London wages have to be higher to compensate for the cost of housing, and the OP will be able to spend that premium on on other things, it seems obvious to me that she would have far more disposable income working in London than doing the same job elsewhere. (I'm assuming she wouldn't spend her housing money if she moved somewhere cheaper, running that down seems like a bad idea.)

So even without a mortgage, she's still coping with London costs of living (childcare, transport costs, council tax, congestion charge etc.)

childcare - covered by higher london wages
transport costs - lower in London than elsewhere
council tax - mine (Tower Hamlets) is lower than most of the country, I think, not sure why you think it's higher in London
congestion charge - 99.9% of commuters don't need to drive a car through central London, and when they do it's because they can afford to, because they are paid London wages.

All right, OP, hope you find something with hours that fit in well with school hours.

You seem to think all women are victims and should be pandered to.

You are raving.

I agree that moving out of London would be a very bad idea given that she owns outright. She stands a far better chance of finding a job, any job in London than anywhere else.

I also agree with whoever said that this isnt about her working, its about transporting the kids and given that he was the one who moved away then the onus is on him to sort out their transport. The same would be said if it was the OP who had moved, that she changed the situation so she should be the one to sort it out.

Transport costs aren't necessarily higher in London than elsewhere. Often quite the opposite, especially as there are more jobs within short distance in Central London than there are in most other areas. Nor is council tax. Some London boroughs have high CT, others low. Congestion charge is no longer a worry for OP as she is now carless.

The things that are more expensive in London than elsewhere are housing, which OP doesn't pay for, and childcare which she might not have to and if she does, it wouldn't be for very long.

Where is it you think she's going to move to that will free up huge amounts of equity, pay stamp duty and legal costs and still be within reasonable reach of her ex so the children have access to their father? In my mind, all you are doing is adding commuting time which makes the balance of work and single parenting even more difficult.

Having lived in London, then the south east and later in the north west, there is absolutely more work and more opportunity in London than the other two areas. There may well be lots of applicants per job but it is highly likely there are more per job outside of the capital. It has taken me years to adjust to the difference - used to get an interview for everything Imapplied for. Sure as hell,doesn't happen around here!

Were it not for XH being in Bedford, there might be an argument for OP leaving Central London to have her income topped up with equity, sacrificing her employment prospects in order to cash in. After all, there are plenty of places in the country where family homes can be had for well under 100k. The problem is that they're all pretty far away from XH, potentially making it harder for the DC to see their father regularly.