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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

188 replies

ClaireMumtoThree · 27/08/2017 00:21

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

OP posts:
ChevalierTialys · 27/08/2017 08:13

If you're struggling to buy food you can get a referral to a food bank.

Their father earns 6 figures and the children may need to use a good bank??? That suggestion is fucking appalling

Firesuit · 27/08/2017 08:13

I'm trying to get my head around the finances. The OP lives in a paid for house and has 16K a year from her ex plus possibly benefits on top.

She can't afford 6x£45=£270 a year train tickets?

I suppose we could take her word for it, but it's hard to understand.

Spottytop1 · 27/08/2017 08:16

There is definitely more to this and it is interesting that OP says she is not allowed to
Contact ex and many have jumped to the conclusion that it is Ex who is abusive... could be the other way around and the reason the ex moved away....

steff13 · 27/08/2017 08:18

Their father earns 6 figures and the children may need to use a good bank??? That suggestion is fucking appalling

The OP said he had a high paying job. He's moved, maybe he's making less now. If there was a court order for maintenance, it must have been adjusted in court to allow him to reduce it so much, of think that would be based on a change in income. If he's just started paying less without a court order, the OP should be able to take him to court to enforce the previous order.

I too wonder exactly why the maintenance was reduced, and why the OP was advised not to contact her ex.

InWonderLand2 · 27/08/2017 08:23

Hiya. Sorry to hear about your situation but sometimes we just have to do things for our kids. My ex HARDLY EVER collects our LO, even when going to his mums i drive there and back. Why, because LO loves nanny and would be upset if he didn't spend time with her. Have you considered taking coach? Its a lot cheaper than train, check out www.nationalexpress.com/home.aspx

I know its unfair, sometimes i do have my days questioning why i do this when ex should but then i remember its for my LO not ex.

Good luck with the job hunting, I'm sure you'll get something soon.

MadMags · 27/08/2017 08:23

This doesn't really add up.

Wife offered to pay money for their clubs, but won't take them on a train.

A court allowed husband to reduce maintenance, even though he's still earning the same salary.

The police won't allowe her to have contact with her ex.

Hmm
pinkdelight · 27/08/2017 08:26

National Express bus london to Bedford costs £13-£20 return. Sorted.

Sounds like there's a lot lot more to all of this on both sides to end up with this intransigence. Bedford really isnt very far, so it's not like the usual 'he's moved away so can't see them' situation. Agree if you can't find work then moving somewhere cheaper seems to be the solution. Less drastically, the kids aren't that young and will be able to get the train on their own before long.

Hereward1332 · 27/08/2017 08:26

£45 is peak rate fare. Off peak c.£25, so around £30 rather than £60. Can you go off peak?

SonicBoomBoom · 27/08/2017 08:33

He should be making the journey, at his cost; he chose to move.

If he picks them up but says you have to come and collect them, then I suggest you let him make that point. I don't imagine he, or his ex wife, will last that long making that particular point, given that there'll be 3 extra children in their house needing childcare (if they don't take them to school). Something tells me they'll be taken home pretty quickly once ex and wife realise you really aren't going to share the journey any more.

blameitonthebipolar · 27/08/2017 08:42

Op is there a reason you need to stay in London ( apart from schooling ) etc?

Seems crazy that you own a house in one of the most expensive cities in the world yet your children are going without basics.

NetRunner · 27/08/2017 08:43

I have to agree with some PPs here. I cannot understand why courts still allow lifetime spousal maintenance unless the partner who hasn't worked is nearing or past retirement age. Spousal maintenance for a defined payment is reasonable in your situation but it sounds as though you have already had 8 years of being enabled to live a very nice lifestyle and not have to work. It isn't your exDP's responsibility to support you for the rest of your life. During the 8 years you've been apart, you could have been taking steps to retrain, refresh skills, do whatever was necessary to return to the workplace and support yourself.

I also don't understand how you can't afford these transport costs during school holidays only, given the maintenance you receive and the fact that you are mortgage free. Can you drop them off in holidays and exDP bring them home again? Or is that already how it works? He is facilitating all of the transport for contact during term time, whilst also presumably working full time whilst you so not have to work. I think you are being unfair both on him but also on your DCs to refuse to do the transport for contact. It's school holidays only. You can easily budget for this during the other months of the year if you choose to. It seems to me that he is already incurring a huge financial and time burden and that you need to be doing your part. It's crazy that he works a full time week and does all of the transport and all of the funding and you are quibbling over the holiday travel. If you can't afford the next one, ask him for the ticket money if you must, but then sort out your budget and think seriously about moving whilst you are not committed to a job.

SoPassRemarkable · 27/08/2017 08:45

If the oldest is 13 do you need to go? Cantbyou put them on the train and they be met the other end? Ideally put them on the same train the step mother catches if you know the time she normally goes home!

Underthemoonlight · 27/08/2017 08:51

I have to agree with some PPs here. I cannot understand why courts still allow lifetime spousal maintenance unless the partner who hasn't worked is nearing or past retirement age. Spousal maintenance for a defined payment is reasonable in your situation but it sounds as though you have already had 8 years of being enabled to live a very nice lifestyle and not have to work. It isn't your exDP's responsibility to support you for the rest of your life. During the 8 years you've been apart, you could have been taking steps to retrain, refresh skills, do whatever was necessary to return to the workplace and support yourself

If your struggling to keep your car on the road I think you need to take some responsibility and get a job even part time to help in your financial situation. As others said it's not wise to be totally reliant on maintenance and spousal support. if your ex lost his job or died suddenly you leave yourself extremely vunerable.

SuperSaint · 27/08/2017 08:56

I was going to suggest the same as SoPassRemarkable

Can you not put them on the train and make sure someone is there to meet them at the other end. I have done this with DD and DS since they were 13 and 10 (to grandparents but the same idea).

DD gets the train to school every day so is confident getting trains but you could do the journey once again with them and talk it through with them so they're happy on their own. I assume the 13 yo has a mobile phone as well.

SurreyLanes · 27/08/2017 09:00

You don't need to explain or make excuses here for your lack of a job.

He should pay their travel for the visits.

However, get a job as he may stop paying altogether.

Booboobooboo84 · 27/08/2017 09:04

I would just pop them on the train on their own. A 13 year old should be able to support two younger and manage changes if needed.

HowzatCat · 27/08/2017 09:06

In my experience the court will rarely take the side that because he moved he should pay all transport costs. The transport costs are factored into the settlement. If the court has recently changed the payment then travel costs will have been considered or the OPs lawyer is crap. The court will take a dim view of a mother then being obstructive over access by not doing what was agreed. She may need a contact order and not just a financial order that will spell out the contact arrangements and who pays.

itisasmallworldisntit · 27/08/2017 09:14

There is more to this,

Rail fares are much cheaper off peak

Or you could get mega bus from £1

Let your children see their dad

Let go of the animosity.

MaisyPops · 27/08/2017 09:21

He is facilitating all of the transport for contact during term time, whilst also presumably working full time whilst you so not have to work. I think you are being unfair both on him but also on your DCs to refuse to do the transport for contact.
This what people are missing I think.

During term time the ex husband is arranging all the contact travel arrangements.

The OP is being asked to do a couple of trips a year when she has around £16,000 to live on and no rent/mortgage. It's not that unreasonable.

It's also interesting that OP has said she can't contact her ex and people have just assumed that's because he was abusive (probably because it helps with the lovely tale of a nasty dad who doesn't want to see his kids and is awful to their mother). For all we know, there could be any number of reasons - including him being the victim.

Janeismymiddlename · 27/08/2017 09:31

Regardless of who is or isn't the victim, we are still left with a situation where the OPis struggling to meet the cost of travel for contact to take place. She came up with an alternative that has been rejected so it's stalemate now. I personally take the view that the op is telling the truth which means the cost right now is prohibitive. All the cries of get a job and move won't help that right now. So now what?

Natsku · 27/08/2017 09:35

If the oldest is 13 do you need to go? Cantbyou put them on the train and they be met the other end?

Just came to suggest the same, seems the obvious solution and makes life easier for everyone.

MaisyPops · 27/08/2017 09:36

jane
She can't afford it based on how she's currently spending. So first step would be to look at her spending at the moment.

Many people cover everything including rent/mortgage on the money OP has. The OP has no rent/mortgage to pay.

It's not awful to suggest there may changes she could make to lifestyle or buying tickets (people have already said she's quoting peak time travel and have found off peak tickets at half the price / use the coach).

Whilst short tern saying 'get a job' isn't helpful, it is reasonable to point out that relying on somebody else to cover your life costs isn't sensible.

There's been a bit too much 'poor me. Isn't their father unreasonable' in this so far.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/08/2017 09:44

I came to say to put them on the train too - they're old enough and there's no point you going.

I suspect there's bigger issues here if you cant contact your ex though...

LagunaBubbles · 27/08/2017 09:44

Why would the court reduce the maintenance though? I don't understand.

Janeismymiddlename · 27/08/2017 09:45

No. The OP has barely said a thing. The assumption of posters is that she's a lazy so and so who is out for revenge. Having been there, I would hazard a guess it's way more complex but sadly, single mums are considered fair game. As for pointing out she shouldn't be reliant on the ex, she is more than aware of that, isn't she? As for budgeting, I think the OP is also aware of that. Her income isn't huge with or without mortgage and presumably is stretched at the moment entertaining during holidays. Again, you can berate all you want but that doesn't change the no money situation right now. The children are available for contact, the ex now needs to sort that out if he wants to see them.

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