AIBU to stop dropping our kids at their dad's now he's cut maintenance so much I can't afford to?

[ClaireMumtoThree]

We've been separated five years and divorced for three years. My ex-husband had a high paying job at an investment bank in the City, I gave up my career to travel and live round the world with his. The terms of our divorce settlement just three years ago were that he paid child maintenance for our three young children til they finish education and spousal maintenance for me for life (my ex agreed to this without any discussion or argument at all and a Judge signed it off). This past year my ex has managed to orchestrate such that he now pays just 36% of what he agreed in our settlement. So our income has been cut by £2400. He moved out of London to the Shires be with his new wife and her three children. Up until now, because he paid a good level of maintenance and I have not worked we have taken it in turns to pickup/ drop off the children at each other's houses during holidays (term time his mum or new wife collects the children from school on a Friday and drops back Mondays). So I have made the three hour round trip in our car. About six times a year each. Now I have no car because it failed to pass its MOT and I can't afford to fix it or run it. I can't afford the train fare to do the drop off to his house, this August it would have been £120 alone. I have said I'm really sorry but I can't pay £60+ to get the children there and me back to London each time. The children's fares are £6 total, it's mine that's the problem at £45+. I genuinely can't afford it but I also now feel that me taking the kids was a perk of the reasonable maintenance (he kept more than half his salary for himself with no dependents). He has no mortgage and his wife earns £80k. I have offered to take the children to St Pancras where his wife commutes into at any time she says and to pay the £6 for their fares (she said why should she pay and I agree. She's offered money before when the cuts impacted the kids after school clubs but I declined because it's not fair she should pay, it's their dad's responsibility not hers, she has three children of her own). But now even after I got over the money barrier and said I'd pay £6 she's saying she won't meet me, it's my responsibility to get them to Bedford. AIBU not to share the journeys now? I can't afford it so basically it would take money from food, he moved away and I'm desperately looking for a job and so will at some point be working. I'm a single mum on my own, no partner, with three young kids - 9, 11 and 13. What do other people do? AIBU?

To clarify, the police advised me to have no direct contact because of his behaviour.

Thanks for all your comments, it's so good to get lots of other views and I'll consider what to do. I genuinely posted AIBU to see whether others think I am, not to have 100% back me.

All your questions about Court, budget, spending, living in London are valid and have perfectly reasonable answers not always favourable to me. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I just wanted to understand what others do about the logistics of contact.

Our kids have had nine homes in five years (3 with me - our FMH, rent for a year then I bought - and 6 with their dad), before that we moved every year or every other year with their dad's job, I have promised them we won't move again.

My priority is always our children so that is what I will continue to do.

In answer to your original question, no, YANBU. Do as a previous poster said and tell him the children will be ready to go, please confirm travel arrangements.

He moved. He reduced maintenance. His new wife is unwilling to help. His problem.

I have promised them we won't move again.

Well, without trying to sound harsh; tough shit.

If you're that badly off, you need to move and get a job.

There's obviously a reason for him reducing maintenance if it's been done through Court. Either he genuinely needed to or he's found a way to manipulate the system.

Not ideal but you don't want to be left with literally nothing if he decides to do it again!

laguna
I wonder this too.
I think there's probably quite a bit in the background that we aren't being told (some of it may be relevant, it may not be).
I'm not suggesting the OP should say more as I think some parts of this are identifyable already but I'm not entirely convinced that this situation is as 'nasty unreasonabke ex won't help with contact' as it's being made out.

I imagine the new financial arrangement has much to do with the fact that he's now with another woman. If he were feeling generous/guilty in the aftermath of the divorce, this evaporates quickly in the face of a new relationship.

Very sorry about your situation, it sounds shite - but I imagine your ex and his new wife/GF are probably having all sorts of discussions about your London house, their logic (if they are reasonably decent people) probably rests with this.

Arrrgg to all the posters saying it's his problem. It's also the children's problem! They are the ones who will feel the most stressed by all of this. I can only assume you bought a house assuming the maintenance levels would stay the same? That was a pretty foolhardy but like you say - hindsight is a wonderful thing. You've committed something to the kids that you simply can't keep. We all make mistakes etc. You're just going to have to explain it to them and try to get them excited about a new place. You'll have tons of buying power outside london.

My DH pays £1500 a month to his ex which was reduced from £2600 when he took a lesser paid job (after he was made redundant). She also works two days a week and makes £50k per year. The cries of poverty have really had an impact on the kids. They truly believe they are "poor" and it's just outrageous. They are not even within sniffing distance of any definition of "poor". It has really warped their world view. His EXW has had a change in her income. But she is still certainly not poor. She has no mortgage. No car loan. And the ability to earn more if she so chose. From my point of view the cries of unfairness and poverty fall on very deaf ears.

That's awful HowzatCat.
Some people clearly think that a drop in their lifestyle choices is the same as being on the breadline. The reality isn't that thry can't afford food at the end of the month and more that they can't afford food because they've continued living the first part of the month to their former lifestyle standard.

I know someone who pleads poverty. They aren't on a massive salary, but they're always nipping for coffee and doing lunch dates, just buying some 'cute' tops/shoes etc. Then they make snide comments about income and feel sorry for themselves when they can't get a house deposit together

If you don't want to move you could bring in a decent amount of additional income by taking in a lodger. The dc might have to share to make space, but there would definitely be demand for it in London, and it would be tax-free.

'Our kids have had nine homes in five years (3 with me - our FMH, rent for a year then I bought - and 6 with their dad), before that we moved every year or every other year with their dad's job, I have promised them we won't move again.'

Shit happens. Don't make foolish promises like this.

Or at the very least don't make promises that you aren't in a position to keep (namely when you have no job and are relying in someone else to fund you - not judgement just fact)

People are being very unkind here. The OP's children shouldn't have to move house again so that their Father doesn't have to pick them up 3 times a year.

If the OP has been advised not to have direct contact with him due to his behaviour, then he must be a real charmer.

I cannot get my head around all these people who say it is important to facilitate contact with someone who is behaving unreasonably. He moved and cut maintenance at the same time, his wife could take them without being put out at all but refuses. It frankly strikes me that this is all about controlling the mother.

These are not the actions of a man who is putting his children first. If he wanted to see his children, he would come and get them.

I am from a blended family and there are 3 fathers in our set up. My own behaved really badly always and I wish that I had never had to see him as a child, I would have had a much nicer childhood without him playing games and he was very controlling. I was walking on eggshells around him permanently. He paid no maintenance and someone else always had to do the transfers.

2 of my other siblings' father stopped seeing them when the youngest was 5. Contrary to all wisdom here, they didn't care and have grown up to be very well adjusted. They knew he had no real interest in them as he had never shown any when he lived with us, let alone afterwards.

My DSF on the other hand is lovely. He has been a real father to all of us and has never shown any difference between his full children and his step children. He was also divorced with kids when he married my DM and we have all blended really well. He took a full part in his DC's lives, he ex wife plus new husband came to the wedding and we regularly have family events with everyone included and no awkwardness.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that a reasonable person wouldn't behave like OP's ex.

As for those posters who claim that as the Family Court agreed the reduction of maintenance, then it must be fine, I really hope you are never in the position that the OP is. The Family Courts are not infallible and, just like the CMS, seem to believe that children cost very little.

The OP may or may not be careless with cash (and that wasn't the AIBU in any event) but in her position I would rather spend what I had on my children on a train fare to facilitate contact with someone behaving like this.

The father's contact is his responsibility.

I have taken DD to see her dad, arranged contact etc for nearly 15 years because it does not happen otherwise. When I have been ill, and unable to do it, he has not arranged an alternative. I have now decided to stop doing it. I will cave at some point because DD will lose out from seeing her dad.

My advice would be simply to do what you can, but accept you cannot solve all the problems of the separation. Your legal responsibility is to make the children available for contact.

Is the issue that he will not travel up to London or previous abuse means that direct contact between him and you is out of the question? In which case, can he travel to St Pancras and a third party drop your DC off to meet and travel with him?

How can the police expect no contact ? Not even to arrange stuff like this ?

I'm confused about the £ and the incredibly tight budget op is on.

Surely op would save AT LEAST the train fares on reduced food bill while the children are with their dad?

But this is the thing:

Term time HE is arranging contact travel

The family court isn't perfect, but the change in maintenance has come from thr court. He hasn't just stopped paying.

People have given a number of solutions that don't involve the OP paying expensive train fares e.g. go off peak (£25), put the kids on the train and collect at each end, use the coach etc.

It's not that unreasonable for people to have pointed out that it is a bit daft to rely on payments from another adult to cover your costs in life. Ultimately choosing not to work has consequences and one of them is that maintenance payments can be decreased.

Thanks so much for all your comments.

I have realised reading all the responses that it doesn't actually matter that it is reasonable to expect the children's father to collect and dropoff for contact - given that he has negatively changed the circumstances. He is expecting things to carry on the same irregardless of his behaviour because he has no empathy and doesn't care or he has acted this way deliberately to be punitive and/ or to create drama.

What matters for me is that I understand how subconsciously I am once again trying to hold him responsible for his actions, expecting fairness to be the outcome. That just gives me grief. I know what is fair in this situation and many of you have supported that view.

There is a great quote about repeating the same thing expecting a different outcome. This is a life lesson based on stuff from my childhood that keeps presenting itself to me until I learn it, I'm getting there! We cannot change others but we can change ourselves.

As always I'll prioritise our kids.

Thanks again.

If you're that badly off, you need to move and get a job.

Mmm, this can't be assumed to be salient advice when the person concerned lives in Central London though. The odds are that she won't increase her chances of improving her income through work by leaving the biggest concentration of jobs in the country. Obviously if OP is going to drip feed that she's a Welsh language teacher or drystone waller, this doesn't apply.

OP, just addressing your original query (and not the rights and wrongs of divorce and maintenance and yada yada, none of which are really relevant):

You can't force him or his wife to play ball on this, and your clearly stated priority is your children, so you are going to have to keep facilitating their contact with their dad yourself unless and until you can convince your X to collect.

Firstly, now that your eldest DC is 13, there is no reason why you have to accompany your children on the train; they can go on their own. That would solve the financial problem.

Secondly, if you feel you must accompany them for whatever reason, there are much cheaper train tickets than the £45 peak fare. Off peak fares are much cheaper; on some lines advanced fares are cheaper still.

On some lines you can also get carnet tickets, so that if you have to travel peak one way, you only pay 90% of half the peak return on the peak portion of the journey. I commute to London part time from Cambridgeshire, and carnets are totally brilliant; they save me at minimum £7 per journey when I am travelling peak both ends.

And then there is the bus, which to Bedford does not take long, and can be very cheap indeed.

For now, can you look around for the cheapest way you can get your DC to Beford?

Where are you getting your train tickets from that it costs £45+? Even in peak time, a day return from London to Bedford doesn't cost as much as that, and if you can go off-peak it's significantly cheaper. Advance tickets are also much cheaper. I wonder if you're just using a really expensive booking agent.

Hmm, there was a post the other day which was very similar but the partner and his family were reluctant to do pick ups because of previous kidnap allegations so wanted the mother to drop off so it was clear she consented.

And the police advising no contact, this normally happens when there is repeated police involvement due to squabbling between parents with little foundation and is more to prevent a waste of police time rather than anything else.

I think they're old enough to stick them on a bus or train and have their dad pick them up at the other end.

Have you said why this isn't feasible?

OP could your 13 yo support there two younger siblings on the train?

I can't comment on your personal situation and say whose wrong or right. Things are rarely that simple. But you are clearly a devoted mother. I would suggest that now your settled in a house for life you look at creating better circumstances for yourself. This could be a job, re education, charity work etc. The children will grow and move on in life as you want them too and you don't want to have nothing to fall back on when they've gone.

Let the animosity with your ex DH go. If you aren't happy with the court agreement then you need to challenge it

If you can no longer afford to live in London, you need to move. Promising small children they'll "never have to move again" is daft - don't make promises you can't keep.

Your ex's maintenance was cut by the court - he didn't do it willy nilly. It was legally changed, so there must have been a legitimate reason for it according to the judge. But your youngest is 9yo and you're lucky enough to own a house outright - if the maintenance etc. you receive isn't enough for you to maintain your lifestyle, then you'll need to sell up and move somewhere cheaper.

You can't expect to live off maintenance payments in central London forever. Either you get a job and help financially support your children, or if that's not possible, you need to move somewhere more affordable, like thousands of other families do.

A cautionary tale for all the "of course my husbands job is soooooo much more important" brigade.

Although if you own a house outright in central London and your youngest is 9 you should be fine as childcare costs are minimal.

Personally I'd stay in central London as your housing needs are taken care of and your earning potential is so much better.

Ps 100% not Unto tell the ex he has to pick and drop off the kids. He moved away.